Being "Right"

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So basically, she thinks that his being correct invalidates her emotions?

Last edited by CrinklyCrustacean on 30 Sep 2009, 3:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

There are so clever people here, Stinkypuppy and others. I like to read their opinions in the forum, kind of enlightning, for real.

And here I am, with my awful english.

After birthing some people suffer from different diseases, like coeliac disease. But the hole thing does not justify her behaviour.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.
Thats a completely different perspective from the initial presentation of this fact. Just let me sincerely warn you about one thing: Holding an extremely rational perspective will unfortunately not necessarily protect you against it coming again. Maybe or possibly the contrary.



Yeah, it's impossible indeed


I also have to say that in some countries JW are considered a sect. No intention of hurting anyone with that. The sentence is just a statement, a ... "fact"?

There are many many examples of AS folks here on WP who, caught in a situation requiring social skills or some level of emotional/empathetic response, run for the hills because they don't know what to do. It's a natural response from anybody, AS and NT, who doesn't have a good solution to a situation or question at hand. Your girlfriend is doing no differently. In the JW example, you're effectively cornering her and trying to make her give a logical, factual response to something she feels, and since she doesn't know how to respond in the way that you want, she's melting down. Sure, there are ways for her to learn how to communicate more logically about her feelings... but there are ways for you to learn how to communicate more caringly and empathetically, too. If you two are willing to help each other out in that respect, and learn from each other and communicate more effectively, the healthier your relationship will be.

By the way, if she is benefitting emotionally from the JW materials, it'll be vastly easier to get her to start thinking more logically about it if she is able to find a substitute source of emotional benefit. This is because there is a possibility that logically thinking about it will make her more doubtful of it, ultimately possibly breaking her emotional attachment to the materials. She will suffer if that emotional attachment is broken without anything immediately available to replace it. It's kinda similar to an Aspie's attachment to a special interest; if the interest is forcibly withheld from the Aspie, that Aspie suffers tremendously unless he or she regains access to that interest, or finds a substitute. If you're able to identify what her emotional needs are, and are able to provide for those needs in alternative ways, I think you will find your girlfriend suddenly being a lot more willing and energized to think more logically about what she's doing. Her learning to act more logically, in turn, will make life for you a lot easier... so consider it an investment into the relationship! Similarly, when you get a boost of energy from indulging in your special interests or from doing other logical stuff (e.g. accomplishing difficult tasks), you'll be elated and much more inclined to be more emotionally aware and empathetic. Something that I realized from my own highs and lows, I hope that helps some.

Can you add skills of gentle and matter-of-fact recovery? For example, if you push too hard, gently and easily back off.

'Okay.'

You don't need to explain. You don't need to give a big apology, or really any apology at all. You just say okay, whether out loud or mentally, either is fine, and give the person space, whether they logically 'should' need space or not, and that's the key point.

Consider the raised hand in the Columbo series. The person can be as wrong as they can be, they get upset, Columbo raises his hand as a nonverbal acknowledge. It doesn't need to be this obvious, but that's the idea.

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Like what I learned in poker, you wade in with a big enough raise that the person should fold and they don't fold. Then it probably time for you to fold.

And the difference between poker and real life is that when you build a positive pot in real life, everyone partakes in it.

(I learned a lot of social skills in poker, but I do not recommend it for making money. I broke even/lost money.)

Wouldn't she take that as admitting defeat?

Last edited by CrinklyCrustacean on 30 Sep 2009, 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just wanted to quote this for emphasis. It's something I've gotten to be familiar with through logical deduction, and in complete honesty, it fits. For Aspies, emotions are typically subverted for logic. For NTs, logic is typically subverted for emotion. It seems backwards, but it keeps certain priorities at the top of the chain, which has its uses. For one, it promotes social unity, and causes people to band together for a single cause.

The big problem is NT behavior was really built for pre-industrial society. With modern society, it's become critical to control the culture, as that decides the very philosophy people follow in their day-to-day life. Lately, things have been following Nietzsche a bit too closely, in case you haven't seen the American political landscape.

Thanks for all the insightful replies. Very helpful. Much to think about...

A quick note:

Just because I may have AS, doesn't mean that she doesn't have her own set of issues. Along with my skewed viewpoint, she brings a nervous and defensive nature. These two things clash...big time.

I am learning about my condition and attitude, and am willing to try to let go and be more flexible. For her part, she is also willing to make some concessions to my sometimes need for information.

We love each other and recognize that we both need to give up part of ourselves in order to fully trust and connect.

We had a great night last night. Took the kids to dinner. Lots of love and affection. Even got "busy", wink wink.

Good for you, jimb424! Maybe there is something to opposites attract, and complementary personalities, and so on, afterall. Now, it is repeated too often, it's repeated rather like a mantra as if it is always true. And with us complex human beings, both 'normals', with their issues and us Aspies certainly with our own issues, nothing and positively nothing is true all the time. The best we can hope for is percentage baseball or percentage poker however you want to look at it, take a medium step, get some definite feedback and adjust from there. And to grow with someone, and that there's enough overlap for a good rich relationship, we can also hope for, and take medium steps, for that.

So, keep growing as a human being. And it sounds like you are. And allow your partner to keep growing, in directions she is interested in. And not everything is easily summarized into words. You know that, too.

And it sounds like you are now in a pretty good place. Okay, you may have come on too strong about your fiance's interest in Jevovah Witnesses. So what. You now have a much better (not perfect) understanding about how she is going about it. And she has a much better understandin (not perfect) about what's important to you. So please do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Just allow things to move forward in a positive direction, without being too picky what positive direction. (The great thing about a positive direction is that you don't need to be certain before taking the next step) See a James Bond movie! Or whatever goofy fun thing feels right to you! Minature golf, tennis, rock climbing, whatever!

Thanks AGS.

Writing all this made me realize that I have to decide to trust and that "walks like a duck" is not always a good benchmark for an ASP.

This was all embarrassing in a way. Reading it back, I can see my fixations and inflexibility. I will work on that.

The worst that can happen is that I am wrong and she really is dishonest and deceitful. So then we break up. Doing it my way, we break up anyway, so I would rather back off and give it a chance.

Lastly, thanks everyone for participating. I am glad to have a place where I can go over this stuff.

A lady friend is not a beer buddy. Nuff said.