Long Distance/Online Relationships, all fantasy, or real

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Are you sure she doesn't know?

You spy, she lies.
She lies, you spy.

What a lovely and loving relation.
(being sarcastic, sorry)

You don't believe she is being honest with you, and you aren't being honest with her by spying on her email and the ilk, why are you pursuing this relationship again? A relationship is a mutual thing, and from what you describe... neither of you are happy or getting anything positive out of this. Bullying her, or attempting to 'trap' her, isn't going to make things better as far as I can see - the limited options I can determine would result in destroyed trust and/or continued deception on both of your parts. From my perspective, what you are doing by reading her email is simply wrong - just my two bits.


M.

I had a situation similar to this, and it was crushing. It was a long-distance relationship, and she had many other guys she was pursuing besides me. Nothing bothers me more than a woman who can't say no.

Whoa, you were actually serious about that thing? I skipped the majority of your posts because, well, giving super long advice to a problem that could be solved in about one paragrah isn't my idea of fun. But I read the 57 days thing but I assumed it was a joke, especially with the random Russia reference.

Your post of the 57 day thing said you had never actually done it, right? So I'm guessing you didn't think through to what would happen in the end, after you ran. As a female who is somewhat ill tempered and who knew a whole bunch of other ill tempered females, let me point out a couple of things. We'll assume the whole 57 days worked, even though this particular relationship looks poised to crash and burn all ready. Well, since the whole thing really isn't suited for a long distance relationship anyway, let's just talk about what would happen if you lived close.

Unless you move quite a distance, change your phone number, email, IM, etc, and instruct everyone you know not to talk to her, you're not going to able to avoid her after the 57th day. She will know where you live, so she can come over if she wants. She will know your phone number, so she call call. But most importantly, she will know the people you know. What you did will get out.

Best case scenario (for you), she'll just be amused. Even still, people are going to find out (especially if you do do it in front of a lot of people like you suggested). A few people might be vaguely amused by it or consider it not too offensive, but there won't be many at all. Yes, I'm sure you think it's cool (as you made it up), but that doesn't mean it is. To everyone else, you're going to look so obsessed and unable to handle rejection. So much so, actually, that you're willing to waste almost 60 days of your life to get back at her. This isn't a case where you caught her the day before your wedding with your best friend - this is a case of her deciding that the relationship wasn't working for various reasons and decided to privately end it with a kind, if somewhat untruthful, fallback statement. Just about everyone has had a relationship end that way, and they don't go to extreme measures to hurt the other. Honestly, it sounds pretty pathetic.

Worst case scenario, she'll be hurt. Take everything from above and combine it with people who not only think of you pathetic but also unnecessarily vindicative. You're now a mean person, and people aren't going to look on you too favorably. Any potentional friendships and other relationships are seriously reduced by that. However, if she's spiteful, she can definitely make it worse than that. Imagine if she decides to tell your parents, teachers, and/or coworkers. At that point, she's going to start looking revengeful too, but more people will probably understand with her than they will with you, because at least in her case the other party was purposefully hurtful.

All in all, it's just going to cause a lot of problems on both sides; it's not a good idea.

Jackdumpster - At this point, what do you hope to get in the relationship? You know she likes someone else and not you; you know that she's only there because she feels bad, and neither of you trust each other. I'd say it probably time to let go and move on.

Here's what she said to me this morning.

I feel like an idiot now......like but I was right.......I told her again that I won't forget her, I'll stick around so when she wakes up and stops fooling like this I'll be here for her. But I don't know if that will happen. I guess she really does wanna persue someone else. Maybe. I am gonna stick around though.

Just seems so heartbreaking, you know? I've known this girl for 4 years and look what happened.

The relationship is over. Let go and let the healthy mourning period begin. There is a tradition in funerals which hopefully you have not had to partake in. The grieving people are told to each throw a shovelful of dirt onto the coffin. It's painful and it hurts to do (I did it) but it makes it clear that the person you love is not coming back. It's time to do that with this relationship. Throw dirt on the coffin, say goodbye, and move on with the rest of your life.

I missed the 57 day plan on the first go round so I went back and read it. Yup. Spectacularly bad idea for all the reasons you gave. Jackdumpster???? Don't follow that 57 day plan, even if you get a chance to.

Just dissapointing how she tells me that me and her need to be face to face to be a real couple, yet she has no problem being a far away couple with this other guy (who is older then both of us, and is also far away from her).

Maybe in a few years we'll stumble up again, when she's an adult and not a kid anymore. But yeah, all I can do now is forget about it. I invested alot into this. But in the end it was worth nothing.

One thing is for sure, I won't be doing anything else like this again. It f***s up your mind.

I finally looked at your age- 18. You've known her for 4 years - since you (and she?) were 14. So 4 years is a pretty hefty chunk of your life and this hurts. The very first breakup hurts the most. But you will get in another relationship and will take from it the lessons you've learned from this one. Most people don't marry their highschool sweetheart and those who do often get divorced because it rarely works. Highschool relationships aren't meant to be for life. They're how you figure out how a relationship works and most importantly how it doesn't work. This wasn't a failure. This was school. You learned something.

I think the 18 thing was a recent modification.

You're really too young to be in this kind of relationship. Even someone with a decade or more of experience in relationships is going to have a hard time with what you're going through.

Drop it and move on. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it may feel fruitless.

You can move onward or you can burn the candle of your life on this.

Ask HER this question. Confront her on this!

I don't think i'll bother........she knows how bad i feel about it all.

Okay dissect that email quote by quote and confront her on everything she said. Respond to her along the lines that I suggest. I will speak in a first person as if I am you. You can cut and paste my responses and send them to her; and, of course, since I don't know your exact situation, you can make modifications as you see fit.

SHE WROTE:



YOUR RESPONSE:



SHE WROTE:



YOUR RESPONSE:



SHE WROTE:



YOUR RESPONSE:



SHE WROTE:



YOUR RESPONSE:



SHE WROTE:



YOUR RESPONSE:

Last edited by Roman on 06 Oct 2009, 5:01 am, edited 3 times in total.

She knows how bad you FEEL, but she doesn't know that you caught her in LOGICAL CONRADICTIONS.

Lets see if she answers that question if you ask her: how come she broke up with you because you are far away and AT THE SAME TIME she is with someone who is also far away?

The reason I am serious about something like that is that I was really hurt by Anne back in 2005 (see http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html to get a more detailed description). I had four relationships after her, and I am still not over her. Sometimes time doesn't work the way we would like it did. I only liked Anne because of what happened within LESS THAN A WEEK. Then the rest of the month I talked to Anne I was just obsessed over the rejection I got after the first week. Then after a month or two she no longer talked to me.

Now compare this to the time I spent with four girls after her. I dated Andrea for a month and a half. Then I simultaneously dated long distance Erin and Anita for 5 months and then I finally dated Jennifer for almost two YEARS. None of these things helped me get over Anne. At any given point I would readilly give up all of these just to get Anne back.

Now, if I had actually done the 57 day thing with Anne I am sure it would have helped me get over her since then I would no longer feel like a victim. By the way, I don't want to do the 57 day thing with any of the other girls. Anne is one and only girl to whom my 57 day fantasy ever applied. But by the tone of his post, it seems like this girl to him is the same as Anne is to me, which is why I suggest that he does it.

If, by some miracle, I had a chance to be with her now, would I actually do that 57-th day plan? Probably not, since I would be too excited to be with her and too desperate to keep her. But then, what if relationship wouldn't work out for another reason, and then I would be hurt again. So thats why, from where I am sitting now, I wish I COULD do something like that if I were to be with her since then I can forever NOT feel like a victim, if only I keep relationship going for 57 days.



I am sorry my posts are long. I guess may be it is Asperger that makes it hard for me to convey what I want to say in a small post. It is really a communication thing since I feel like I have to spell out what I am saying in order for ppl not to misinterpret it; and its true ppl do misinterpret things when I speak which is probably what trained me to be long winded. But then again, being long winded doesn't help it is only makes it worse since then ppl don't have patience ot read it on a first place which means they would read first half of it and not the rest which would make misinterpretation even more likely. But I guess I trained myself to do that so much that I can't stop myself; or if I write something brief I can't resist an impulse to edit it and provide more detail. So that is a communication problem, really.



To me it is not random. Getting into the 57-th school has been my dream back when I was in Russia, and that was all I thought about during two or three years when I was applying there over and over. Also, it is true that they have a tradition of using number 57 in their math problems. So I make myself feel better by using 57 in my passwords, and also when I write a physics paper if I have to pick a completely random number to illustrate the concept, I would pick 57. This is all true. So, it only makes sense to use the 57 for the dating trick as well, since its whole purpose is to make oneself feel better.



May be I don't have the same experience as you, but in my case the girl is far more tempted to ignore me than I ever am. In fact, like I said, I never done that 57 day thing. But at the same time I was ignored by A LOT of girls (although that was usually done within few days of contact, not 57, so I guess I didn't konw where they lived or all of their friends to be able to track them). But still, even if they did have my information, lets look at what happened with Anne. No I didn't do 57 day thing with her. But I didn't show up to where we were supposed to meet and I pretended to be "crazy" by answering her something deliberately very incoherent whenever she tried to call me. She first became very worried and called me like every few minutes. I ENJOYED IT THROUGHOULY. But then she gave up and started not showing up when we were supposed to meet, and "forgetting" to call me. So, its not like she chased me too much. I enjoyed it when she chased me. The way she hurt me is by giving up too fast. I wish it was the way you describe, I would have enjoyed all the attention SO MUCH better.

But then again, what I did was a mistake. I weren't with her on a first place, so all that did was to reinforce her original rejection of me, and made me only feel worse at the end of the day, not better. What I should have done was to be on my best behavior until I am with her, then continue to be on my best behavior for another 57 days and only THEN do something of the sort I just described. THEN she would have chased me more and THIS would have made me feel great. But still, somehow I feel that she would eventually dump me since girls are not chasers only guys are, but then I would still feel that I dumped her FIRST and would feel great about it. Besides, it would show that her reason of dumping me would be something completely unrelated to why she didn't want to be with me on the first place, namely that she believes that "my mom sounds like she shelters me and it feels like my ex girlfriend did the same". Within these 57 days I would PROVE to her without shaddow of a doubt that she was wrong, I don't need sheltering. And then, after that, I would end it in a completely different way, the way she expected the least.



That is the worst case scenario, not the best case. If she can be amused by something like this, it shows that she didn't like you to start with, and the whole 57 days she was in a relationship with you as official boyfriend/girlfriend was basically a lie on HER part.



And I want them to! Then they will all say "hey we thought such and such guy was a loser he really wanted to get this girl and he couldn't; but now look: he had no trouble getting her and keeping her for nearly two months, even though, as we now see, he doesn't care about her this much, after all"



Again, this is NOT a desired result! If someone doesn't think it is too offensive, it means that they didn't believe you were serious boyfriend/girlfriend to start with, which means you didn't really succeed getting the girl back, on the first place. I WANT THEM TO BE OFFENDED. The more they are offended, the more I can reassure myself that whatever I got was a SERIOUS relationship, and ppl take it seriously!



That is why the 57 day plan is ONLY to be done if you actually succeed in becomming officially a couple. If you are just friends, no matter how close, NO DON"T DO THAT. That was a mistake that I made with Anne, I did it WHILE I was rejected (let alone the fact that I did it two days later, not 57 days). The RIGHT way of doing it is FIRST be an official couple. That way, no one would say one "can't handle rejection" since there is none. Then WAIT 57 days. That will ASSURE that the couple was real. A girl can lie she is interested just to make a guy feel better, just like the girl did to the original poster. But it won't last 57 days. If it lasts 57 days, you can be SURE it is real. And only THEN do the thing I suggest.



Again, the 57 day strategy applies ONLY if one can get back with a girl AS A COUPLE. So, if she agrees to be a couple, obviously she thinks it works, ESPECIALLY if she sticks out for 57 days.

Now, I know in case of original poster she actually said she wanted to be with him just out of pity (and in his next reply she rejected him again, but for the sake of the argument lets ignore the next reply). But still within 57 day period of time he can try to be on his best behavior to convince her that it actually WORKS. Thats why I said in my plan that make sure relationship goes really well, ESPECIALLY towards the 57-th day. If it doen't go well by the 57-th day, you won't get out of it what you want, since the girl might want to break up anyway and then he would have just given the girl what she wants. But if he makes sure relationship goes well by that day, THAT would do a trick.



First of all, this plan ONLY applies to when you get back a girl that you want. Most ppl DON"T get back the girl, so I won't recommend it to THEM. I only recommend to ppl who do.

Secondly, I myself won't do it to any of my ex-s. I would only do it to Anne since Anne is the one I can't get over otherwise. Well I have a feeling that this girl to original poster is like Anne is to me, which is why I suggest he does it.



Thats the BEST case scenario, not the worst case. It will show me that I actually succeeded getting her back, and my relationship with her was taken seriously, which is why they are so mad at me when I ruined it. And even now that they are mad, this has NOTHING to do with why the girl originally wanted to reject me, so still, I won as far as her ORIGINAL rejection goes. Not only did I get into a relationship with her, but it was taken SO seriously that ppl are mad at me now that I ruined it.

The thread you linked isn't overly clear, but from what I gather, you knew this girl for a week, right? And did you ever actually date her?

So... I don't know how to put this without it being offensive. This happened four years ago with a girl who you knew for one week and who you admitted to trying to manipulate, cheat on, and sent angry emails to her.

Do you not understand why she rejected you? Almost any girl who reject you after all of that, and some (probably most) wouldn't even let it get that far. She gave you chance after chance after chance, and from her emails that you posted (which quite frankly, you shouldn't have), it sounds like she was still trying to be nice about it. You should be thankful for the fact that she openly admitted to having some other mental issues going on at the time, because most women would have torn you to absolute shreds.



Can I make a guess? You broke up with all of the other ones, right? It's not because you loved Anne that you want her back; it's because she had the nerve to reject you.



I can't even see how you think you're the victim of this. She clearly put up with more nonsense than her fair share.



So... it's ok if it's a lie of your part, but not of hers?

You know what, I can't even continue on with this, because it's so self-centered and close minded that I'm having a seriously hard time responding without being insulting. And as much as I enjoy getting in trouble, I've all ready pushed my luck enough for a month or two.

I'll say this instead.

I understand that it's quite possible to fall for someone in a week and fall hard. Been there, done that, had a much better outcome than you did (but then, I didn't lie, attempt to cheat, manipulate, etc). And I also understand that getting broken up with hurts. But that was four years ago. It's not even recent; it's four years between then and now, and you never really knew her.

I think you need some serious therapy to understand how relationships are supposed to work. It seems to me that you're too self-centered to realize there's a second person involved, and that person has feelings too. If you can't look in to see that, you need someone else (a professional) to help you do it.

I don't know if your other relationships have been like that - and for the girls' sakes, I hope not - but what you described on the other thread is abusive. You purposefully manipulated her to try and get her to feel how you wanted. You tried to control her to the point where she couldn't have male friends because you were concerned she'd get a boyfriend. Before you were even dating, you tried to control her so that she wouldn't have a boyfriend. You lied, you tried to cheat, and you hurt her. That is not how a relationship is supposed to be. You can get away with that with a pet rock, but not another living creature.

As for the what other people will think about your plan (I all ready erased the quote, sorry) - no. No one outside of middle school is going to consider you to be cool, and you're 29 according to your profile, so I'm guessing your peers are quite a bit older than 11 to 13. A mature adult - the kind people are going to respect - would consider what happened to make the relationship fail, maybe mourn for a little bit, and then move on, preferably having learned from their mistakes.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not. I've manipulated someone I love twice, and I caused a lot of pain. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't mean to, but I did it nonetheless. But once I realized what I did, I admitted it and apologized, and I haven't done it since. There are things I'm not thrilled about, and I could probably cry and pout until those things changed, but it wouldn't be healthy and it wouldn't be fair. A relationship isn't all about what you want; you have to compromise and you absolutely have to consider your partner.

When you get to the point that you want to hurt someone, it's not love; it's just an ego boost.