I can't find anyone I like :(

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Merle
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25 Oct 2009, 10:19 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

My suggestion to you, same as my suggestion to myself. For the last few years and probably since I was 23 or 24 - my drug to chase away depression is ambition. I got a college degree, wasn't enough. Right now I've been on the weights for almost two years, been in martial arts for a year, dead set on learning another language (or a few if I can) as well as I can speak English, if I'm still single and achievements in those areas start running out of gas I'll probably start training for triathalons or aiming for whatever the heck else I need to in order to find a way to feel like I'm adding to my own real-estate value thus justifying my existence on this earth.

Even if this method has its pitfalls in that it can't deliver on one thread once goals have been hit or at least gone as far as they can, there are always new goals and with each new achievement you add under your belt it makes life a little more bearable. If I'm 50, still single, and making $200,000 per year, golfing at Hilton Head on the weekends, driving a Lotus Esprit around Sanibel and Captiva, hanging with some of the biggest somebodies out there and my NT friends are of such a caliber - I think I would have successfully displaced that hole in my life and any pangs of depression over not having it, I'd just remind myself like I even do now - there's reality, and then there's hypothetical reality, my life exists by set confines, set parameters, therefor I can't pound on my self for what isn't - I have to take what is, go forward from there, and make the absolute optimal with what I have.

Excellent suggestion. Having goals in life not only helps to displace negative feelings (e.g. loss, loneliness, anger), but helps gives you a direction to strive for.

How much better are you than the person who has no goals? Much. Even if you fail by half, you're more ahead than the majority of people out there.

Plus, when you're 50 (or even 40) and with means, well, dating becomes "funner". You're the ones with the cards and are able to be choosy.

Ralic
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25 Oct 2009, 10:26 pm

I've been doing something similar to what techstepgenr8tion is doing, becoming the master of various things I like to do. I play video games, make plastic models, study hard in college, play sports, etc. These things keep me busy, and when I'm busy and have occasional moments of success, I'm happy. I also know I can do this alone and don't need anyone else.

My main issue with boyfriends is that it's nearly impossible for me to get instantly attracted to a guy based on, say, looks. I seem to be quite indifferent to them. My main factor so far has been intelligence, so I usually like guys that I am aware of for many months, mostly various nerds and generally just overly smart people, who usually are too busy themselves to notice any girl at all. :lol: My attempts to ask them out so far failed miserably.

techstepgenr8tion
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25 Oct 2009, 10:26 pm

KnightGhost wrote:

I bet everyone in this discussion has had dozens of potential possibilities yet didn't have a clue. How about if we talk about how to notice them and what to do about them?

The number of possibilities is roughly equal to the number of ways they can be completely blown even if both people involved can see it perfectly. Its probably why if you blow it with a potential soul mate or just as likely he/she blows it with you, there's really not much to be said about it. You still meet people day after day in your life and the most important thing is catching someone you're reasonably attracted to who has their head together at the right angle to where things can take off. If you already have the basics taken care of - ie. hygiene, responsible adult, good enough social skills, get out enough, have enough of a personality (most people in this thread I'd have to speculate have most and in many cases all of these) - there's nothing more you can do for yourself beyond that point, either life reciprocates or it doesn't.

Don't know if it matters but I see NT's striking out all day long around me and most of what you might think of have's are messy divorces in the making as you observe them. As a race I don't think human beings generally have as much luck as we might think, we just have much higher standards for how we're treated than many people we know and hence without settling quite often are realizing that a surprising amount of the relationships we see around us are people like ourselves who should be single for live, caved in out of need, and they're paying a heavier price than we are for being single. IMO its just that kind of world.

ManFromNowhere
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25 Oct 2009, 10:34 pm

KnightGhost wrote:

I bet everyone in this discussion has had dozens of potential possibilities yet didn't have a clue. How about if we talk about how to notice them and what to do about them?

You would lose that bet at least in my case. On top of being an Aspie I also have some physical limitations due to some birth defects. Nothing major but enough to be noticeable (scoliosis combined with a bad hip). I have never had a woman flirt with me and most never even say hi to me if they pass me in a store. At this point I know what the score is.

Ralic
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25 Oct 2009, 10:56 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

I wonder, what do you mean by "blow", exactly?

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

As a race I don't think human beings generally have as much luck as we might think, we just have much higher standards for how we're treated than many people we know and hence without settling quite often are realizing that a surprising amount of the relationships we see around us are people like ourselves who should be single for live, caved in out of need, and they're paying a heavier price than we are for being single. IMO its just that kind of world.

That's certainly something I can agree on. I am starting to think that "having a family" is not necessarily a sign of anything whatsoever, and is not necessary for a "normal" life or happiness in general.

techstepgenr8tion
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25 Oct 2009, 11:13 pm

Ralic wrote:

I wonder, what do you mean by "blow", exactly?

Didn't mean talking to the judge. Creative interpretation though

Ralic wrote:

My thought; if its there - great, if its not - life's not over.

Ralic
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25 Oct 2009, 11:25 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

Ralic wrote:

I wonder, what do you mean by "blow", exactly?

Didn't mean talking to the judge. Creative interpretation though

Huh? Interpretation? That was a question.

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KnightGhost
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26 Oct 2009, 7:34 am

ManFromNowhere wrote:

KnightGhost wrote:

I bet everyone in this discussion has had dozens of potential possibilities yet didn't have a clue. How about if we talk about how to notice them and what to do about them?

Ouch. I also have Tourettes so am fighting an uphill battle.

CrinklyCrustacean
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26 Oct 2009, 7:19 pm

Ralic wrote:

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

I wonder, what do you mean by "blow", exactly?

By 'blow' I understood him to mean "destroy the opportunity", through some blunder. You have your chance and you mess up.

CrinklyCrustacean
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26 Oct 2009, 7:27 pm

SINsister wrote:

What do you mean? Whether or not I follow through depends on whether or not I can work up the nerve (and the cash, etc.), not on how stupid/dangerous the premise is.

Oh. I assumed it was suicide.

SINsister
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26 Oct 2009, 7:58 pm

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

SINsister wrote:

What do you mean? Whether or not I follow through depends on whether or not I can work up the nerve (and the cash, etc.), not on how stupid/dangerous the premise is.

Oh. I assumed it was suicide.

I'd not be discussing suicide/suicidal ideation so crassly or flippantly - but it *is* something that's been on my mind (or at the back of my mind) since I was about 15-16.

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Dhp
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26 Oct 2009, 9:38 pm

Well, if you're looking for stable...don't choose me. I'm moody, poor, and not very interesting to talk to. I'm also very short, bearded, and bald. Yet, I do wish you luck in finding someone that interests you.

sunshower
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27 Oct 2009, 2:18 am

Ralic wrote:

My attempts to ask them out so far failed miserably.

I'm in the same boat.

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Gremmie
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27 Oct 2009, 7:00 am

Hello Mariah918 (btw yay Illinois - awesome Sufjan Stevens album!)
Why are you getting so stressed about finding someone? Seriously just relax and have fun and enjoy your freedom - guys are not everything, I mean yeh it's nice to be with someone, and yeh I have a boyfriend that I'm really happy with, but up til about a year ago I was single and honestly I had such a good time in my life just being me and making and being with friends. In that time the only people who showed any interest in me were guys who I thought of as friends but definately nothing more than friends from my viewpoint, so I know where you're coming from there. I don't know you so I can't say much, but I know one of the things that attracted my boyfriend to me was just how generally happy I was and how little I seemed to actually need a relationship.

Tim_Tex
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27 Oct 2009, 7:06 am

Merle wrote:

Interesting options. In my book, they're both warped individuals. The first due to unrealistic expectations. The second due to internal insecurities. Warped doesn't equate to bad, just even if you were to get involved with either one, well, what you're seeing is simply the surface.

However, I don't find the world exclusively filled with these kind of women. Enhancing your attractiveness and broadening your options would seem to get you better opportunities (haha, yes I know, easier said than done!)

The first one also insisted she mentioned the emotional support issue as early as July 2007, but March 2008 was the earliest she had mentioned it. She kept changing the story. She flip-flopped from saying that my personality wasn't good enough, to saying it was, then back to saying it wasn't. How was I know which to believe? Also, she accused me of not communicating, when in reality, I was telling her everything I could think to say. And if there was something she wanted to know, she could have asked, because I can't read someone's mind. Meanwhile, she hardly told me anything about her wants and needs. In other words, she accused me of not communicating, when she was the one not doing so.

Also, she promised to "never disappear without an explanation". She broke her promise, and when I tried to inquire/confront her about that, instead of apologizing or explaining what was going on, she got angry and defensive.

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techstepgenr8tion
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27 Oct 2009, 7:38 am

Ralic wrote:

My main issue with boyfriends is that it's nearly impossible for me to get instantly attracted to a guy based on, say, looks. I seem to be quite indifferent to them. My main factor so far has been intelligence, so I usually like guys that I am aware of for many months, mostly various nerds and generally just overly smart people, who usually are too busy themselves to notice any girl at all. :lol:

My attempts to ask them out so far failed miserably.

Here are the ground rules that I'm stuck with - I have to be very careful either to not show interest in someone I'm interested in or, be extremely careful and mind the social red tape like its absolute law. The reason being, I will have people interested when I'm not, sadly if I am interested in someone and want to show it - it will be creepy, not enough to make them want to run away from me socially but enough to where if they had any interest in me whatsoever - its completely destroyed.

From that perspective - all I can do is cross my fingers and hope luck comes through for me one of these days. As much as I used to think in my early twenties that I was just weak, needed to work on myself more, or that I was failing for reasons that I deserved to fail for that were faults all my own - I'm coming to understand that no matter what I do this is not in my control.

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