28 Oct 2009, 1:34 pm
SINsister wrote:
I'll be damned if I resign myself to old men just because I'm "old" - when I haven't had my fill (oh, dear 
) of the cute young(er) men who I really want. 
) of the cute young(er) men who I really want. 
You made my day! Even though I feel your pain. I really do. But I do very much like your attitude.By the way, how old are you? Chronologically, not mentally. I doubt you have yet joined the ranks of the creaky.
SINsister wrote:
I'm so tired of all of it that I'm on the verge of giving up and accepting my "fate."
Stick to the first sentiment and start playing chess or Go or attend a science fiction convention. Or take up surfing or windsurfing or kite buggying or some other pursuit attractive to young men. There's the risk of this happening, but you would just have to accept that.
28 Oct 2009, 1:46 pm
Gromit wrote:
SINsister wrote:
I'll be damned if I resign myself to old men just because I'm "old" - when I haven't had my fill (oh, dear ) of the cute young(er) men who I really want.
) of the cute young(er) men who I really want. You made my day! Even though I feel your pain. I really do. But I do very much like your attitude.Thanks!
Gromit wrote:
By the way, how old are you? Chronologically, not mentally. I doubt you have yet joined the ranks of the creaky.
I'm 41. But the chronology is irrelevant, because I don't look or act my age, and I'm emotionally juvenile.
SINsister wrote:
I'm so tired of all of it that I'm on the verge of giving up and accepting my "fate."
Gromit wrote:
Stick to the first sentiment and start playing chess or Go or attend a science fiction convention. Or take up surfing or windsurfing or kite buggying or some other pursuit attractive to young men. There's the risk of this happening, but you would just have to accept that.
That's where the depression and severe anxiety (social phobia) come into play. If I were free of both, I'd probably be able to find something I liked to do, and also be able to pursue it (whilst being less inhibited about approaching cute strangers who might also be pursuing said interests). ;_;
Incidentally, I adore "odd goods."
28 Oct 2009, 1:52 pm
28 Oct 2009, 2:05 pm
Grisha wrote:
SINsister wrote:
How would I know, though? I can't "read" other people's "vibes," nor do I have any idea if I'm putting off repellent "vibes" in others' direction.
Maybe you should try to get an "idea" if you are?
There's so much evidence suggesting that you may be, I think you would really do yourself a disservice if you didn't at least try to see if you can make yourself more approachable.
If you just throw your hands in the air and say "I can't do it", then it's damn near certain that things will continue exactly the way they have been.
Logically, I can see that you (and others) are probably right about this, at least to some extent. I'm amenable to the idea; can you give me some advice as to how I might go about this?
28 Oct 2009, 2:08 pm
SINsister wrote:
How would I know, though? I can't "read" other people's "vibes," nor do I have any idea if I'm putting off repellent "vibes" in others' direction.
I can't approach other people, especially if the people in question are males to whom I'm attracted.
I can't approach other people, especially if the people in question are males to whom I'm attracted.
It's definately not easy. You're gunna make tons of mistakes. The best thing you can do is develop some thick skin (if you don't have it already) and realize you have nothing to lose & everything to gain.
It doesn't matter how many people you anger, confuse, or bore. Doing so costs you nothing. However, every bit of success you have is pure profit. If you get really good, you can even see the good in bad experiences & be open to having more of those too.
28 Oct 2009, 2:10 pm
SINsister wrote:
I'm 41. But the chronology is irrelevant, because I don't look or act my age, and I'm emotionally juvenile.
There you go. Just don't show them ID until you've got them hooked. When I say "them", I don't mean to imply that you should necessarily snag several simultaneously. Anyway, I know someone who was about your age when she met her partner, then about 2/3 her age. They're still together several years later.
SINsister wrote:
That's where the depression and severe anxiety (social phobia) come into play.
I don't know about social phobia in particular, but as far as I know phobias in general are among the more treatable conditions. Can you afford to go to a competent psychologist?
Physical activity is supposed to be good against mild to moderate depression. Can you take up something that seems like you might enjoy it, and take it from there?
SINsister wrote:
If I were free of both, I'd probably be able to find something I liked to do, and also be able to pursue it (whilst being less inhibited about approaching cute strangers who might also be pursuing said interests).
Try riding a bike like this.
You won't need to approach strangers. They will approach you. Then you select the cute ones. Report back when you've had your fill. Not in detail. Just tell us that you've succeeded. I figure if I get enough straws to grasp at, I can build a nice reed boat. Please do contribute your share.
28 Oct 2009, 2:23 pm
deadeyexx wrote:
It's definately not easy. You're gunna make tons of mistakes. The best thing you can do is develop some thick skin (if you don't have it already) and realize you have nothing to lose & everything to gain.
Ack. I'm feeling shaky and sick just thinking about this.
Thick skin? Oh my, quite the contrary. In fact, I feel like I've got one less layer of skin than most humans.
Nothing to lose? I've already got an abysmally-low level of self-esteem because of the years of bullying and verbal/emotional/physical abuse I've endured (and still do) at the hands of "peers," co-workers, supervisors, relatives, strangers, etc. I don't have the kind of intestinal/mental fortitude that seems necessary for this endeavor. If I were to approach a guy and be mocked and humiliated for my efforts, I dunno that I'd ever be able to get up the nerve to do it again.
deadeyexx wrote:
It doesn't matter how many people you anger, confuse, or bore.
Huh? Why?
28 Oct 2009, 2:50 pm
Looking at your photos, I can say that you're attractive and putting off a hostile vibe. That combination sends shy guys like me scurrying away. Is that frown something you have all the time or just for the camera?
28 Oct 2009, 3:05 pm
Gromit wrote:
I prefer these, sorry:
28 Oct 2009, 3:09 pm
ScratchMonkey wrote:
Looking at your photos, I can say that you're attractive and putting off a hostile vibe. That combination sends shy guys like me scurrying away. Is that frown something you have all the time or just for the camera?
Is that frown something you have all the time or just for the camera?Haha! That's not a "frown," per se. I tend not to smile much (nothing to smile about, not a mindless fool, etc.).
I *do* have to smile at folks whilst at work though - I'd get fired, otherwise. So I don't go around frowning there, yet only the creeps "hit on" me, regardless.
28 Oct 2009, 3:18 pm
28 Oct 2009, 3:32 pm
deadeyexx wrote:
Because you lose nothing. If you see someone & never speak to them, you have nothing between you two. If you do speak to them, & they don't like you, then you have nothing between you two. However, it you speak to them and like you, then you've made a connection.
99.9% of the time, there's very little effective difference between someone not knowing you & someone not liking you.
99.9% of the time, there's very little effective difference between someone not knowing you & someone not liking you.
I feel like people (NTs) don't like me *regardless* of whether or not they actually know me. They don't talk to me, smile at me, or acknowledge my presence at all - at least, not in a positive manner. When they *do* act as though I exist, it's usually in order to make some inane or demoralizing comment about some aspect of myself that I can't change (my height, my "oddness," etc.) and it's usually dealt with an ugly facial expression and tone of voice, to boot. NTs have treated me like s**t since I was very young.
28 Oct 2009, 3:50 pm
SINsister wrote:
Logically, I can see that you (and others) are probably right about this, at least to some extent. I'm amenable to the idea; can you give me some advice as to how I might go about this?
I wish I had a magic answer that would deliver you into to arms of the man of your dreams, but all I can offer is this:
1. Make sure you have the basics covered - Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel as attractive as possible.
2. If you have problems with your eye contact, fix it.
3. Do not unilaterally decide for someone else that they will not like you.
4. Do not internalize rejection, keep your sense of humor about it, and move on.
5. Flirt. If you have trouble with doing it non-verbally, do it verbally - be creative. This will help to work-around any misperceptions regarding your "vibe"
For example, when I was in school, I really liked a certain girl but could not bring myself to tell her how I felt. I eventually asked her for the first digit of her phone number. It worked.
These are pretty basic, and there's probably people around here who can give much better advice, but you absolutely must do something different that what you're currently doing, and if that doesn't work, try something else.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
28 Oct 2009, 4:14 pm
Grisha wrote:
[
For example, when I was in school, I really liked a certain girl but could not bring myself to tell her how I felt. I eventually asked her for the first digit of her phone number. It worked.
For example, when I was in school, I really liked a certain girl but could not bring myself to tell her how I felt. I eventually asked her for the first digit of her phone number. It worked.
That's brilliant. I would have been very intrigued by a man who did that.
But anyway, SINsister (I typed that more carefully this time
), maybe men are intimidated by you rather than disliking you. Since you are tall, smart and beautiful (which is so utterly different than cute, as another poster knows) as well as veryaloof (which is how socially shy looks from the outside) you are probably about as desirable and unapproachable as Al Pacino's girlfriend in Scarface. (Taking that from my husband who deemed her very desirable and also far too terrifying to ever even look at- the sort of woman that only a coke-up maniac would dare approach, per the movie). I'm not entirely sure how to get around that. My guess is you are projecting Ice Queen That No Man May Dare To Melt. Flippant, I know. Others have given what seems reasonable advice about practice and thick skin. Easy for someone else to say, I know. But you really don't have anything to lose exept to be trapped in a conversation with somebody you don't really like all that much after all. Which I think is a small price to pay.
28 Oct 2009, 4:32 pm
Thanks for the constructive feedback, folks - I really appreciate it.
Now I just need the balls and self-confidence to act on your suggestions...
28 Oct 2009, 5:12 pm
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Societal Standards vs WP Rules about criticizing religions |
31 minutes ago |
| Anything Else I Should Consider With High Scores? |
18 Sep 2024, 10:05 pm |
| Can I finish high school online? |
08 Sep 2024, 3:43 pm |
| Anyone working as High School teacher? |
16 Nov 2024, 8:34 pm |
