am I that big of a loser?

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There are women who want casual, short-term relationships. There are women who don't. Same with men. Arguing with someone who wants something different from what you want is never going to go anywhere productive -- just move on and look for people who do want the same kind of relationship you want.

You already know even though it's not poppping into your head at the moment. Think of the thread where a man said he considered a woman to be "low quality" if she had sex too easily. Think of the thread where a man said he "lost respect" for a woman as soon as she consented to sex with him. Think of all the threads where men expressed contempt for and disgust with any woman that they thought consented to sex too quickly or with too many men.

In these threads I've often seen you leap in and post in exasperation that these judgmental men are wrecking things for you by vilifying women they think have sex too quickly or casually. And you are right. They are wrecking it for you. If these attitudes weren't so prevalent, there probably would be a greater number of women willing to experiment with casual sex. They exist now, of course, or there wouldn't be anybody for those posters to heap contempt on, but a lot of women try very hard to avoid being lumped in with them because of the scorn and sometimes actual physical abuse that gets visited on these women.

Imagine the horror of a woman who thinks she's getting into a relationship but discovers that the man just thinks of her as somebody worth nothing more than sex, an object of contempt, a tramp he barely even had to think about in order to have sex with. And you wonder why women won't leap into bed with you without a relationship? You already know. The answer is in all those threads you've posted in where contempt is hurled at any woman who actually would be so casual.

And Janissy hits another one out of the park.

home run with bases loaded!

Not in my experience. Maybe it's a California thing, maybe it's the small sample size but the last three women I dated become extremely attached

"When are we going to get married?"
"Why do you have to go away this weekend?"
"How can we spend more time together"?"
"When are we going to move in together?"

These are just the variations which spring to mind and the ones I got in the last 24 hours.

so cancer patients arent allowed any discernment, they have to be happy to take whatever they get

I figured she'd appreciate my listening to her problems. But instead she friend zoned me the minute the newer, better model came out. Look, I know I'm not gonna find The One on the first outing, or the second or the third, or the thirtieth. But is it too much to ask for a LITTLE success? It's so disheartening that I can't even get past square one with any of the many, many women I've tried. One date, one conversation, is all they need to discover they can do better. It tells me that I'm the problem, that there must be something so grossly unappealing. No, I'm not buff, but I can run a 4:55 mile. I've got passionate interests and ambitions, yet when I talk about them, people just get bored. I'm no good, unloveable.

[Angry rant deleted by poster after he realized his stupidity in making such a rash comment]

Last edited by Brianruns10 on 12 Nov 2009, 10:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Please get some help.

Sorry, I didn't mean that. It just feels good to vent, to air out those frustrations rather than keep them in. After Columbine and all the rest, you have to be so darn careful about what you say, but sometimes it feels good to scream, or to just say, "I could kill him!" just to get it out.

And feeling so powerless and worthless to women, I can't help but sometimes just wanting to yell out those frustrations. At least it make the pain go away...until the next rejection.

There is a very wide line between thinking complicated thoughts of revenge and vengeance - and actually performing such actions. In nearly all (>99%) of the time, it's an avenue to vent and release some pent up emotions.

Not thinking such thoughts is atypical.

If this thought is motivation to make oneself better - have at it. However starting to ask "How do I emotionally wound someone, so that they hurt for a month/year yet come back for more?" is very different.

I suggest keeping in mind that the people who have hurt you and made you feel powerless and worthless are individuals, not women as a whole. And I'm not saying that to chastise you in any way, I just think that keeping that in mind makes it much easier to avoid slipping into a mode where you see all women as the enemy that you must defend yourself from. It's difficult to escape from that kind of mental place, and it pretty much prevents any chance you might've otherwise had for a satisfying relationship.

As for what Janissy said, she is spot on. I discovered I was attractive to men at about age 23. At that point, I figured that in most cases it did not hurt to go along with what a guy wanted, provided I was also at least somewhat interested in it (and having done literally nothing up until that point, I was at least curious). In the end it was unsatisfying for me, and the social costs outweighed the benefits. The same guys who had shown so much interest in me morphed overnight into showing outright contempt for me (and note, "overnight" does not literally mean I had sex with them and then this happened the next day, the situations varied but the outcome was ultimately the same). Unless you are a woman who really enjoys sex, it's not worth the kind of treatment and disrespect you get from some men and from society as a whole. Most women are considering this factor at least unconsciously if not consciously when dealing with men. They are also considering that a man's level of respect for himself tends to correlate with his level of respect for any woman who chooses to associate with him (and I'm not talking confidence here, which is different from self respect). I don't think this is true in the case of a lot of aspie men, but in my experience it is true with many NT men (and some aspie men, as well).

Don't get discouraged, though, OP. Work on being happy as you are, just you. Those who are saying you can't just sit back and wait for it to come are correct in that inactivity will get you nowhere. At the same time, the others are right in that active pursuit also tends to get you nowhere. The middle ground is working to make yourself the best version of you possible, so no woman will fail to notice the good things you have to offer, and to get on with living, so you don't miss out on meeting the women who will want you for who you are. (and I apologize if this all sounds super corny )

I definitely understand, hang in there, things will get better if you focus on improving yourself, let go of any perceived injustices by others, and never let "rejections" overwhelm your optimism - and there's lots of good advice from older guys who have "been there" on these boards that could be very helpful.

Good Luck!

Well, you most certainly have more experience with women than I do, so maybe you're right. All I'm saying is that women are more keen to take relationships for granted, because it is always so easy for them to get them.

Gee, maybe THAT CONCEPT "even someone like her" might have something to do with it. MAYBE, just MAYBE, she doesn't want somebody who thinks of her like that. I know I sure wouldn't. I know if I had a possibly terminal illness, I wouldn't waste my time with people who thought of me like that.

PaganMom