life support

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Then you obviously didn't see this post:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf111526-0-16.html

Also can I have a mod do an IP check? I'm pretty certain that I am not sock puppeting at this point (unless I'm doing stuff in my sleep, and sleep-typing isn't something I do)...

You're right Toad, I hadn't seen that post. Thank you for the link.

It still really worries me how much pressure you're heaping on a girl who is too young for you. No matter how many times you say you are trying not to put pressure on her, the fact remains that you keep repeating that you need a relationship to stay alive, and you view her as your only option. That's a horrible attitude to take towards a kid. It's way too much pressure to dump on even the most sophisticated adult.

I honestly don't know what's up with Trivia. Trivia behaves like a sockpuppet. That does not prove Trivia is a sockpuppet. Differing IPs or same IPs don't really prove anything either, given library computers, internet cafes, coffee houses, universities, and so on.

No problem, just trying to clear up some misconceptions here...


Which is why I don't mention that to her, I just come on WP and complain about it here instead. That way I can still get my emotional concerns off my chest, but I don't have to dump them on hers...

Yeah I get the sockpuppet vibe from him as well. However, I can assure you that even if he is a sockpuppet, he's not my sockpuppet...

PS: I just got a text from her. She wants to continue this, and is okay with continuing it (at least for now)... so, at this point, our relationship is starting to get back on track here...

My advice would be to continue, however there are options if it doesn't work out.

If you can handle a liberal church, Unitarian Universalism is a definite option. Just don't be surprised if you see a bunch of Sierra Club and GLBT members in there, along with just about every religion you can think of. It's about tolerance and acceptance, and they've tied themselves to a lot of left-wing causes. (Which I don't mind, given that I'm of that alignment.)

If a liberal church is out of the question, you could always start up a youth group for your church. They don't just appear out of thin air. Someone has to build them and maintain them. Bringing in new members may be one of the easier ways to expand your dating pool, and build a positive reputation with older members.

It is good to hear that it is back on.

That does not mean that you should forget the advice that people have given you.

You need to be more happy and comfortable with yourself to avoid leaning too heavily on her.
You don't want to wear her out and/or scare her off.

So, another group, church or other may well be a good idea.
As people get older they tend to become more accepting so trying something new may be easier than in the past.

What are your interests?

Are there any asperger's groups in your area? If not, maybe start one.

You need to look after yourself to be sure that you do not give her more than she can bear.

She will have her friends. It would be good if you have a couple of guys to hang out with.

Oh don't get the wrong idea, I have no problem with GLBT and libaral issues despite my faith... most moderate churches are accepting of such people, it's just the fundamentalists that make a big deal out of it...

I've described my issue as "The Impossible Trifecta"... I've never been able to find a church with these three things: 1) A main-line political alignment (where individual members are free to express whatever political alignment the feel like), 2) A rich musical history and tradition, and 3) a sizeable age 18-30 population. Every church I have ever examined (including the church I am at now) has only at best two of those three.


There is a youth group for my church... it just has an upper age limit of 18 (although that's more out of practice than convention; as I said, most people leave the church when they go to college and don't come back until they're married with children)... As for a group dedicated to young adults, most people that would be willing to participate are usually too busy with work and what not to be able to...

IPs mean nothing, we have other ways. . .

muahahahahaha

Merle

ROFL.

All hail the seekrit mod powers!

First off, not only is this young woman 17, the age gap between her and Toad is only four years. Legally, that is quite acceptable almost everywhere, as far as I've ever known.

I was really glad to see you could have this experience, and it seems like a good taste of relationship for starters. But I also felt an immediate twinge it was not the 'right' pairing, and I trust these intuitive insights because they have been historically very accurate for the greater part of my life. I'm choosing to state this bluntly; there is little chance this is going to continue for much longer, let alone a lifetime. It is not your fault, but no one is going to be able to convince you of that except yourself. It would be unreasonable to expect that any such first relationship last a lifetime, or even more than six months. For one thing first relationship success is a rather extreme statistical rarity, and having had a prior friendship is by no means a guarantee of success within a totally committed bond. You have a choice whether or not you make this relationship and its likely end a negative or positive overall experience. It is completely up to you.

She's young, you're young. I don't know her position or life experience, but I'm guessing she's just as unsure about her place in life as any person that age. She may unconsciously sense the pressure from you that her leaving may cause pain and negativity. As has already been said, that's a lot of pressure for someone her age who is just trying it out with you. You don't have to say it in order for her to pick up on it because it's likely to be evident in your nonverbal behaviour if you're feeling it--and you definitely seem to be.

If what you're looking for is stability, you're going to have to grow as a person and look elsewhere, broaden your social network as best you can, and most importantly, live without dwelling on whether or not you're going to be in a relationship. You just have to get out and live, break out of routines as best you can (and, yes, I do understand how hard this is for someone with AS), and move on. As it is, you seem to feel trapped without any options, and trust me when I say I've been there and know how it feels.

What I'm saying is coming from an experienced vantage point. I'm currently with someone much younger than me who, at the start, was the same age as the girl you're dating. He has taught me a lot about what he needs, what's healthiest, and what should happen. We have a very unusual situation, however, the rest of which does not apply. We broke up because of problems caused by our experiential differences, and his need to explore and create his own life without constraint. I give him a lot of room, a lot of space, and we concentrate on what ties us together below the surface. One notable thing about our relationship is that it has taught us both so much, and provided growth and experience that we wouldn't have had without it.

You have to ask yourself if being in a relationship with this girl is going to provide her positive growth and a full experience, and consider if she may need to find her own path still before committing so strongly to you. Just as important, you also need to know if it will truly help you out of your funk rather than acting as a band aid. To the latter, the best way to find out is to have it end, unfortunately.

Does it feel right? Does your 'gut' tell you it's good, or that you should let it go? Do you get that tickle of a little voiceless nagging part of you in your head that tells you this isn't the path you need? If you ever do, heed all of it and do what feels truly right, and don't let negativity and destructive behaviour permeate your life.

Well I certainly didn't think this would last for a lifetime, but at least longer than a few weeks. I still hold on to that hope...

How can you make a breakup a positive experience? I mean, at the very least, if this ends I would try to salvage the friendship from that. But that incredibly horrible feeling I felt at just the prospect of breaking up could never be "good" by any standards...


If I am indeed projecting such pressure subconsciously, is there anyway I could stop projecting that? I really don't want her to feel such pressure, but there's no way I'm going to stop feeling as though this is my final hope unless a lot more people in my age range start appearing in my regular life (which as I'm seeing it isn't going to happen)...

As dismal as my future appears, it's still better than drifting around from person to person and group to group with no home and no future at all, which is what all these people keep promoting (at least that's what it looks like...)

The only way it would help me out of what I'm feeling is if it lasts, given that my "funk" is generated almost entirely by loneliness and ostracism... I personally believe that I can easily help myself out of this, but only if I know that there's someone out there that loves me unconditionally... and right now with my gf having doubts, it's not helping...

Personally, my 'gut' tells me that this is the best thing to ever happen to me. But my gf would think otherwise, and my gut has been wrong before...

Edit: I feel like such an idiot, but this is enough of a separate item that it needs its own thread, so i'm moving it...

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2464894.html#2464894

It's not going to feel any better if it's a year or two down the road. By then it will likely feel worse given you've bonded so much more in that period of time, especially if there's sex involved. If it ends now, it's probably less painful and the friendship can be salvaged. Due to her young and and yours, this should be taken a lot more lightly and not as a 'last chance'. That mentality alone is likely to spell doom.

The only way to stop projecting the pressure unconsciously is to work through the personal ego issues causing it in the first place. That's necessary for any relationship. If your entire life's fate rests on whether or not you have a relationship, or this relationship, you're very likely setting yourself up for a lot of bad experiences. You need to ground yourself in you first, realize that nothing lasts forever, and keep going. Once you find inner peace, you will not only find love, but be able to give it, too.

I never intended to say you should leave your social network. On the contrary, you should always keep your stable friends and family, especially while you go out exploring and expanding. This is essential for a balanced life. But it doesn't mean you should ever concentrate or rely solely on one area or one small group of people for everything, especially relationships. As I said, I know comfort zones are a part of ASDs, but it's also very necessary to branch out and reach for new opportunities with other people.

"Gut feeling" is not an emotional response; what you responded with there relates to emotions, not to intuitive logic. Intuition is simple knowledge, similar to logic but without the step-by-step process needed to reach a conclusion. Intuition can lead to an emotional response, but it's rarely a positive one. When I feel intuitively something is positive, more often than not I feel fairly dry about it and relax. At that point there is no anxiety one way or the other. When I feel something is intuitively negative, I respond with a lot of anxiety. The feeling never abates.

Everyone, including people with AS, has intuition, but it's a matter of awareness. It could be a struggle for you and many people on the ASD, but I'm convinced it's not impossible to do. Gut feelings are a very useful compass in relationships.