it's over...

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Lots of women will play minor mind games, but nothing destructive or malicious. Really, I don't mind a woman who isn't blunt 100% of the time, as long as I can figure out what her signals mean.

That's really something you should consider as well. Is it possible to learn her signals? If so, the lack of bluntness may not even be an issue.

I'm sorry your relationship ended. I don't think either of you could have been at fault -- she's simply too young for the level of connection you were hoping for.

You might want to rethink your sweeping statements about what people are like, given that you don't seem to know very many people. You'll find relationships a lot easier if you spend a few years just trying to get to know as many people as you can without deciding beforehand how they're going to hurt you.

actually, you can call Britney Spears anything you care to as long as it doesn't violate the rules of WP because she is a public person, but you can't go slagging off any private person on WP whether they are a member or not. It counts as a personal attack.

Merle
Moderator

Well, that may very well be the case. On the other hand, she was also apparently planning her own wedding for most of the relationship (and apparently she still is). But that in and of itself means nothing, because honestly I do the same thing myself from time to time... mostly when bored...


Except that's what most people are like. No, I'm not saying that they go out of their way to hurt me, merely that they're opportunistic.

That's why I go to the church that I go to (people there don't hurt me). That's why I refuse to show a picture or reveal personally identifiable information over the internet; If people on a given website start hurting me, I merely need to leave the website and possibly change the pseudonym I use. In the real world, I'm not so fortunate, unless I had the ability to change my face, appearance, and voice at will, which I don't (and even if I did, I'd probably be an as*hole like Mystique in the X-men movies).

This is exactly the point I'm trying to make - that someone else made you feel like your life "actually had some meaning." Your life will have meaning to you when you value yourself. If you don't believe your life has meaning unless you're in a relationship, then your whole self-worth is dependent on someone wanting to date you. Doesn't that sound messed up to you? Allowing your self-worth to be defined by being in a relationship is definitely not an Aspie vs NT issue, either - plenty of NTs do it, too - and it's an unhealthy and self-handicapping belief for all.

If you want your life to have meaning, then do something meaningful. Make a contribution, volunteer, dedicate yourself to a cause. Look around your community - I'm sure there are many, many ways that you can be useful. And don't roadblock yourself by focusing on how people may respond to you - focus on the cause you want to be involved in, and start making a difference.

And BTW, you are "normal" like everybody else in terms of this relationship. How many people have you heard of marrying the first person they dated? I've never known anyone who did that. So now you're just like the rest of us who've had a relationship that didn't work out. If you want to keep working toward that goal of being "normal," then you'll have to put yourself back out there at some point and try again - that's what most people do.

Oh Toad. I will add to the chorus of people saying it hurts but it's not the negative judgement of your worth that you think it is.

You are seeing this only in terms of failure. You didn't fail at your only chance at a relationship.And this wasn't your only chance. What actually happened is you succeeded. You succeeded in taking a relationship to the next level- something you had not previously done. It was only for a little while but that is actually the norm. It is incredibly rare for people to stay permanently with the very first person they do this with- unless they are in an arranged marriage and don't have a choice. This success is a milestone even if you can't currently see it as such. And it isn't your only chance even if it currently feels like it.

After the pain recedes (and it will), embrace this for the milestone that it is. You succeeded in taking a relationship to the next level. That it didn't stay there forever and ever does not negate that success.

You are like the Wright Brothers. It took them a long time to get that little biplane up in the air and when they finally did it only stayed in the air for a few minutes and then crashed to the ground and broke apart. But they didn't say, "this is impossible- it only stayed in the air for a few minutes and then crashed and was destroyed". No. They celebrated the fact that they got the plane up in the air at all. So should you. Then they objectively studied the plane to see what they could do differently next time rather than concluding that flight was impossible. So should you. After much tweaking and experimenting and trying different things they built a plane that could stay up in the air. So will you.

Last edited by Janissy on 17 Nov 2009, 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

No, that doesn't sound messed up to me. Two people wholly dedicating themselves to each other is true love. Living only for yourself is narcissism.


I volunteer almost all of my free time that I can provide at my church. Does it make me feel useful and appreciated? a bit. Does it make me feel like I'm making a difference? Yes, I suppose so. But does it make me feel like my life has meaning? No. There's nothing I do there that can't be done by another person. I am disposable. That's why I need the appreciation of an exclusive relationship. If I am what is needed (as opposed to my musical talent or technical expertise), those shoes can't be filled by anyone else, and I'm much less likely to be disposed of...

Yeah, i know it was a long shot to begin with (that's part of why I'm over the actual relationship itself already). But with the only other option being a miserable loner for the rest of my life, I had to give it my best shot possible, and even that wasn't enough...

Living only for yourself is narcissism. But two people dedicating themselves to each other can have some problems of its own. It must maintain a perfect 50/50 balance at all times or it starts to tumble. There has got to be some wiggle room so that neither partner feels threatened if the dedication is not 100% and neither partner feels burdened by the huge responsibility of being the other person's reason for living. This sort of single minded devotion looks very romantic on the surface but it can cause serious problems in a marriage if one person takes up a hobby that the other isn't interested in and especially after the birth of a baby. It has caused serious problems in many marriages when a new baby makes it actually impossible for the couple to dedicate themselves wholly to each other because love and devotion and attention must be diverted to the baby. If a man feels that his wife's laser-like focus on him is his only reason for living, he resents how the baby causes an inevitable shift of focus. This happens so often.

I think a better path is a middle path between the two extremes of dedication only to oneself and dedication entirely to another person. Instead, you love each other, you need each other, but you do not give each other the responsibility of giving each other a reason for living. That responsibility becomes burdensome. Instead you allow some wiggle room so neither of you bears the responsibility of being somebody's reason for living.

I say this because I strongly suspect that by 30 you will be married and somewhere in your 30's you will be a father. And you need to allow some breathing room for a girlfriend so that when one does eventually become your wife you wont get horribly jealous when she lavishes her love on somebody who is not you- the new baby. It sounds absurd now and probably fanciful and unrealistic but I think it likely will happen in the future.

So anyway. Maybe this girl felt that she was about to be handed the responsibility of being your only reason for living and she was just not up to the task. Nobody that young could possibly be. But it's too much for older people too. So next time (and there will be a next time) try to allow some breathing space in the realtionship. Don't let the girl think that your happiness rests 100% on her shoulders because her shoulders can't handle that load. Instead, relax and give her breathing room and enjoy her and love her but not to the exclusion of everything else in your life.

There is very little that can't be done by someone else. Look at Maxim Vengerov - one of the most famous virtuoso violinists around today. His job could be done by other virtuosos - Vadim Repin, or Jennifer Pike. That doesn't stop him being special and important. Whatever job you do, you will be disposable to some extent unless you are truly the world's best in your field. You have to stop thinking like this. As Janissy said, you succeeded in taking the relationship from friends to lovers. There are many people in this world who are older than you and who have not done that. Take a look at the mistakes you made and the mistakes she made. Talk to other people who are in steady relationships and ask them what you could have done better next time. Don't give up hope - learn the lessons and move on. If Maxim Vengerov had given up when he couldn't hold the bow properly, when he couldn't play his scales, and when he saw he wasn't yet as good as all the professional violinists at the time, he would never have the success he has now.

God gave you the chance and you succeeded - just not as well as you'd hoped. That is all.

I'm sorry, kiddo - I think you've gotten a lot of good advice from posters here, and you've argued away every bit of it. If you want to stay stuck in your pattern of limiting your opportunities to meet other people and feeling like a failure...unfortunately, none of us can stop you. But if you ever feel like trying something that might work for you, I encourage you to go back through your threads and act on some of the advice you've been given. Good luck.

It might not be how hard you are trying, but rather how you are trying. Learn from your mistakes and work to not think about it. Focus on where to go next.

I wouldn't class that as maturity, personally... I mean even little kids do that. I'd actually class that as immaturity because she doesn't even know if she's ever going to get a potential husband yet... ie: living in a dream.

You misunderstand me. I don't need to receive affection from someone else to feel like I have a purpose in life. I need somewhere for my own affection to go. I feel like I could have so much to offer, if only I wasn't a failure at life. If, hypothetically, I became a father, I could just as easily direct my own attention at the baby, and then I would have two reasons to live. If I am that woman's husband or that kid's father, I am in shoes that nobody else can fill. Okay, I know it's not entirely true in this day and age, but it's how I feel. To have a purpose in life and therefore a reason to live, I have to be indisposable... otherwise people will just use me and then discard me because the human race as a whole acts like that nowadays... That has happened so many times in my life (especially in high school)...

Umm, those are some fairly out there predictions. How am I supposed to be married by 30 if I can't even maintain a relationship for any significant period of time now? Hell, i'm wondering if this relationship was just a sham of pity now, since my ex has definitely heard the whole gamut of me being unlovable...

Most of what I wanted to say has pretty much been said by everyone here but still i'll add my bit.

Having self worth and living for yourself are completely different things. I mean if everything you do can be done by someone else--why would anyone want to hook up?

You have to realize you aren't disposable, I mean without YOU, you'd have never been able to meet this girl. You have to in part live for yourself in order to even get with someone else, have kids, post on wrong planet, enjoy star trek and its references, or anything else for that matter. You like and want the things you do--Because you DO matter. Otherwise it wouldn't feel like a failure in the first place.

Also if you want a relationship, I can tell you this most people want you to have self worth. They're not going to find happiness and meaning just in you, but in themselves and in other people. You must do the same. I mean you might see yourself as being upset because you can't find love but the truth of the matter is "Self" is hurting and thats who you need to take care of right now, yourself. Self worth is gained before a relationship, not after. You can't put the cart before the horse.

You say in your post (Possibly out of frustration) that God has given you this one miracle and you squandered it. How? I mean did you not try? Did you not like this person? Did you not treat them with respect?

I'm willing to bet the fact that you did do all of these things and you need to look at the bigger picture as stated by yourself. You did get a chance to prove you could be in a relationship, you did have an opportunity to experience one and it didn't end badly. Also if God was willing to work for you once, why not a second time?

Consider yourself lucky here and take the time to reevaluate your self worth. You have a mentallity )(so it seems) where you are unable to praise yourself yet you are able to criticize aspects such as weight or a supposed inability to maintain a relationship. (Which from the information posted here isn't even close to being proven)

I know certain things can affect confidence but there are always things to improve ourselves. If you hate your weight for instance, then exercise.

If I mattered, I wouldn't have even been a failure...

I myself cannot be worth anything if I don't matter to anyone else, can i? Yeah, great for you if you can be all self-proud and all that. Behavior like that just got me bullied all the time in grade school. Now, in this day and age, nobody can hate me more than I hate myself, and therefore nobody can hurt me. You can call me a fat, lazy slob all you like and I would just be yeah, that makes sense... as opposed to back in the day where saying that would probably start a fight... And besides, nowadays everytime I try to take any sort of pride in anything I do, someone (usually LPP or someone like him) is there to just slam be back down into the dirt... I may not be worth much, but I'm not a complete idiot, and I know that you're not supposed to keep sticking your nose where it hurts...

I tried my best. I loved her and tried to give all the love and respect my heart could muster. It still wasn't good enough...


Because this was His way of showing that I was in waaaaay over my head...



What is there to praise? I don't notice anything...

Man, I swear I have a virus on here that kicks me off after writing a super long post.

Depends on your definition of failure, I said you wouldn't feel like it was a failure, not that you are a failure. Its a normal thing with anyone in a relationship. So as far as failure, I was talking about the outcome and the feeling of it and nothing more.



I wasn't bragging here, I know things like that can be hard to deal with for anyone. Also everyone has different strengths and will be affected by negative situations differently. I myself.. had developed something pretty similar to selective mutism (inability to talk to anyone other than family) as a result of being bullied. I literally would not talk to anyone just because I feared that I would get made fun of or teased. It has taken a HUGE effort just to try and make it as far as I have and force myself to talk to people.

I mean I understand its rough, idiots always pop up from time to time and try to bring you down. But I mean, just like you listed LPP as someone who brings you down, I can mention a lot of people who want to see you succeed. (Many who replied to your topic)



I understand how that is, but it wasn't squandered. Just like you didn't think at first you'd get a relationship, you surpassed your expectations. It will still be rough no matter what I say, unfortunately thats how a break up is especially when you love the person. Not that its wrong, she just wasn't the right person for you. You were still worthy enough for her to date and consider. If you view her as important, you need to encompass and realize the impact that her thinking that highly of you means (that you were and are an important person to her and take it for what it is.



I'm not going to be the one to argue here, I personally don't have a sunshine mentallity that voices that there's someone for everyone. I mean the someone for some people needs to be a psychiatric ward or a 10x4 cell in prison.

But I mean if you want a relationship, why not? Don't get me wrong, I standby firmly about what I said.. I think you have a very strong guard put up when it comes to certain things and until you lower it a little, you might not be ready.

Sometimes relationships don't come first, school and career or whatever else come first. You might have to sort through those issues caused by people who really aren't worth anything. I mean, I still think the weight can be lost. (For yourself, even if that desire is to attract someone of the opposite gender) you're intelligent, you can debate so you have several unique perspectives that other people might not realize or heck it might be fun for the other person to prove you wrong. Also that star trek reference to God was funny, so there's some humor there.

But I mean other people can't realize those qualities for you, they can only tell you or remind you. I think right now, with any break up even for a short relationship now isn't the time to think about girls anyway. You need a little time to reel back and possibly taking a breather.