What would you say is your main barrier in relationships?

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techstepgenr8tion
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03 Dec 2009, 11:02 pm

Kaysea wrote:
I have had somewhat better luck dating AD(H)D'ers. However, it usually only lasts around six months or so.


I noticed something kind of similar but not so much with AD(H)D'ers but OCD NT's, at least those who have it well managed. They seem almost uncharacteristically grounded and on-point. The really big draw for me is first seeing a girl who seems to be neurodivergent in a way, more of a creative sense - not hippy with it though, dresses conservatively but with a certain stylistic flare where you can see the intelligence and depth beaming out and where its indulging an esoteric internal need (they're wearing their best selves on their sleeve it seems) rather than doing anything to be trendy.

Its funny though, I can't say I have interests much more obsessive than most people who are passionately into one thing or another - if I do have OCD its been in a sense of excruciating self-awareness and constant need to figure out what I could be doing to better my situation or better assess reality; that conversation seems to happen at least ten times a day and has been going on most of my natural life. Really interesting how things like this shake out though eh?



ImNotOk
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04 Dec 2009, 12:26 am

Kaysea wrote:


I have had similar experiences. I was very difficult the one time I tried to have a serious relationship with a bona fide neurotypical. We worked well as friends and as friends with benefits (as I wasn't obligated to invest the same degree of time, energy, etc.). However, every time we tried to make it official, it rapidly deteriorated into a disaster.

I have had somewhat better luck dating AD(H)D'ers. However, it usually only lasts around six months or so.

My first relationship (late HS/first 5 semesters of college) worked much better. In retrospect, she was probably mild AS. One of the ways that we spent time together was to sit on opposite sides of the couch reading. Also, it may have helped that the relationship was semi-long distance for two years.

I suppose that separate rooms could be a solution. I agree, though, that many folks would find that odd. My grandparents shared a room, but had separate beds. Also, in the case of co-habitation, each person having a certain designated part of the house, such as a private study, may be a slightly less "bizarre" route. Dating a traveling musician may also be an option. I guess the important thing is to find someone who understands that you need to be alone for several hours every day, or if you take off for a day by yourself, it is not the result of anger, resentment, etc.

I guess one of my problems is that I show that I care by doing something physically manifest for my significant other, rather than more subliminal forms of 'emotional support'. People usually don't know quite how to handle it... either they take it as me coming on too strong or being too distant.

Also, I tend not to say a great deal about myself. At first, people tend to find this attractive, mysterious and endearing. Over time, they begin to view it less positively.


I guess designated portions of the house does seem far more excepted since even NT's have "man caves" and "craft rooms" and what not and an idea like that could potentially go over better and not offend in the same manner.

There actually was a time that I considered musicians, but that brings a whole new set of problems since most musicians popular enough to travel regularly tend to lean toward a physical appearance that doesnt mimic my own.

I tend to prefer people who come on strong since I am oblivious to subliminal cues, strong is the only message my brain tends to pick up. The only alternative to strong for me is patients and a lot of it because it would probably take me years to gather collective hints.



Icewolf
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04 Dec 2009, 11:39 am

Complete and total lack of natural sex appeal.



Eto
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04 Dec 2009, 2:50 pm

Let's see...

I'm a fairly solitary individual and I only react to, not initiate, social interaction. I just don't get lonely (or have never had the chance to find out if I do). So I can spend all day at school with only speaking a few sentences and feel perfectly fine about it. There's just no reason for me to start up a conversation with someone else, because I'm drawing, reading, writing, researching, daydreaming, etc, and don't feel the need to talk.

Then there's the fact that I don't relate to most people very easily. While people are talking about the latest bands, actors, clothing brands, whatever, I'm spending hours looking up obscure information on scaly-tailed possums. I am as apathetic towards fashion as everyone else is to the fact that scaly-tailed possums only have one young at a time. So I just have nothing to talk about with people.

Then we have lack of social skills, which I don't have much opportunity to work on because I don't care enough about going out and being social to practice them. ><

I also have difficulty trusting and opening up to people, shyness, and general anxiety about social situations. |:


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blackomen
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04 Dec 2009, 7:22 pm

My standards are too high.. I'm serious..



polymathpoolplayer
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06 Dec 2009, 10:47 pm

First of all let me begin by saying I have cured most of the issues that held me back in the past, and recently came to the conclusion that should I need to (I have a girlfriend), I can go approach women without fear. So I will list those things that did hold me back in the past:

1. lack of self-confidence
2. not reading body language to know whether she is giving non-verbal indications that she likes me or not
3. misinterpreting a woman being nice as a woman into me, or being skeptical resulting in a missed opportunity where she did like me and I ignored/doubted it
4. being at a loss of words at some point in the conversation, having the convo get derailed, feeling self-conscious about it
5. doing/saying something stupid that I either picked up on and felt too awkward to recover from, or totally missed and still might not understand why it was wrong
6. being too thin skinned and letting little stuff affect me to the point of being and staying negative
7. wearing my emotions on my sleeve/hopeless romantic/nice guy-chivalry/pedestalizing/needing to emotionally bond before a true connection had actually been made/moving too fast emotionally-usually one-sided
8. lack of ability to judge character, getting hooked on people that are toxic, projecting good qualities without proof
9. fear of rejection (it used to be #1 issue but now it does not exist for me at all)
10. being too shy (again I am more outgoing now and this does not exist any more)

In sum: I was my own worst enemy



heliocopters
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06 Dec 2009, 10:57 pm

Probably coming off as completely insane and also always assuming that I'm the one in the wrong so I always take the blame for a rough patch in the relationship, which leads to more insanity on my behalf. I've only been in one relationship, but the biggest problem was probably that I lost myself in her. I forgot who I was just to try to conform to what I thought she wanted me to be. Bad idea. Super, super bad idea.


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Meadow
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07 Dec 2009, 12:32 am

Not wanting any.
That's the major barrier for me, at this point.



MartyMoose
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07 Dec 2009, 12:41 am

I'm too analytical
These are the sort of thoughts I have.
which girl is best?
Why?
What makes them better than others?
Why?
What are the positives of this girl?
What are the negatives?
Do I want to be committed to this one girl?
Why?
How do I get involved?
Why do I get involved?
How do I start a relationship?
What are the possible outcomes of this potential relationship?
Positives?
Negatives?
How do I sustain a relationship?
Why do continue with it?
When do I know when to make a move?
How does she feel?
What are the potential consequenses of my actions?
and so on.



polymathpoolplayer
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07 Dec 2009, 3:18 am

MartyMoose wrote:
I'm too analytical
These are the sort of thoughts I have.
which girl is best?
Why?
What makes them better than others?
Why?
What are the positives of this girl?
What are the negatives?
Do I want to be committed to this one girl?
Why?
How do I get involved?
Why do I get involved?
How do I start a relationship?
What are the possible outcomes of this potential relationship?
Positives?
Negatives?
How do I sustain a relationship?
Why do continue with it?
When do I know when to make a move?
How does she feel?
What are the potential consequenses of my actions?
and so on.
Boy! I'll say you are too analytical!

I used to kind of be like that only in my case it was right-brained emotional - do we connect (good), do I put her on a pedestal (bad), does she get romantic in my presence (good), is this "feeling" better than with the last gf (bad to compare)?

Nowadays I have just three questions:
#1: is she nice, a non-player, keeps word? If yes, then proceed to #2
#2: am I physically attracted to her enough to want sex with her? If yes, then proceed to #3
#3: Assuming 1 and 2 were answered yes by me, would she answer 1 and 2 about me the same as I did about her?
if so, proceed to...well you get the point!



MartyMoose
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07 Dec 2009, 12:05 pm

A psychologist told me once I should act without thinking more



ToadOfSteel
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07 Dec 2009, 12:26 pm

MartyMoose wrote:
A psychologist told me once I should act without thinking more


People tell me the same thing, but I don't trust my lower brain function any farther than I could throw it



DWill
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07 Dec 2009, 1:30 pm

Introversion sums it up nicely for me.



Bataar
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07 Dec 2009, 3:19 pm

That fact that all of my personal interests and hobbies revolve around activities that only attract other guys.



visnofskygirl
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08 Dec 2009, 6:37 am

I have obsessive thoughts like "I love my boyfriend..blah blah blah" but I also have obsessive anxious thinking. I just end up lying in bed all day crying over those scary obsessive thoughts. It's really worst. :cry:


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queenserenity22
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09 Dec 2009, 1:50 am

One of my biggest barriers is when I think a guy likes me or he says he likes me there is a part of me that is very exicted but there is a bigger part of me that gets very nervous. The level of nervousness I feel is so high that I don't know how to respond to the other person and they think that I'm rejecting them. This type of response cost me when this guy I had a crush on in junior high said that he liked me and I completely froze up. I hate that I respond this way and it makes me feel like I'll never be able to resiprocate feelings for someone if every time a guy says he likes me I have a massive panic attack. :(