It's Really Not an NT or Aspie Thing....

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Because to most everyone else, dating IS that process of getting to know someone.


M.

I get blasted for "rushing into things" when I wait months and years on end, do you really think that literally rushing into something with someone i've never met wouldn't get the same response?

I feel the same way. I fell in love with a friend once, and he always said something to the effect of, 'I would, but we're too good of friends to date,' which always made feel like, "...huh?"

If we're such good friends, and we're both attracted to each other in all the right ways, doesn't that make the perfect recipe for a good relationship? WE ALREADY KNOW WE LIKE EACH OTHER AND ENJOY SPENDING TIME TOGETHER! I wouldn't want to go on a date with someone I didn't know (besides the fact that no one in this generation actually dates anymore, just sleeps with each other and then figures the rest out).

I get the fact that he wouldn't want to ruin a friendship, but it was ruined anyway because of the situation.

Toad, maybe you could explain your concept of dating? Maybe it's just a question of semantics.

That's easy: It's the activities that two people in a romantic relationship do together. The activities themselves could be anything; the cliche of dinner and a movie works, and so does something as odd as fundraising for a charitable organization together (if that's what they enjoy doing together). The only prerequisites are that said relationship exists and both partners enjoy the activities in question...

So....I guess I don't understand why you'd have to know someone for months or years in order to have dinner or do some fundraising? How else would you get to know someone?

My ideal way to get to know people (in general with both genders, not just with regards to relationships) is in a group setting with a lot of my friends around. I know I'm in a safe setting that is not going to turn immediately hostile to me without warning, and I can let whoever I'm trying to meet converse with my friends, which allows me to devote my full energies to observation (as I don't have the brainpower to both observe and socialize simultaneously), and then bring myself fully into the conversation when I think I have enough information to at least keep it going.

To bring that to a romantic relationship, I spend the next few months or years as friends with the person. There's nothing exclusive or even declared. I use any opportunities that I see her around to try and get to know her better little by little as friends. When I think I've learned enough, and believe that a relationship has a chance at working between us, then I ask her out...

What you described is dating, Toad. The getting to know each other process is "seeing someone" or "dating." When you ask her out, it's official or boyfriend and girlfriend.

I'm pretty sure that dating doesn't happen in a group setting like that...

Toad, reading your posts, I think you need someone as needy as you...a co-dependent of sorts. Any normal girl, no offense, is going to run far from you, and it isn't because of your looks or that you're unlovable, it's because of the way you choose to see things and your negative attitude about yourself.

I have the opposite problem of Toad. It doesn't take me months or being in specific settings to know whether or not I like the girl. If the physical attraction is there, it's a matter of getting a cup of coffee, and if the conversation goes well, you do it again. There's no way you're going to find out everything you need to know about a person's life. You just like the beginning of the song and want to hear the rest of it.

I'd personally after a few successful dates rather just say that you're boyfriend and girlfriend instead of doing the "seeing each other" thing. I don't multi-date and don't fool around on the side so there's no reason not to just say "We're boyfriend and girlfriend" and if it eventually doesn't work out, break-up.

No I'm well aware of that... I've thought about trying to find a co-dependent or some other overly clingy woman before... I'd actually be less needy myself with a woman like that... since unlike a "normal" girl, the needy one is less likely to leave me for the next "something better" to come along... and there's a lot of "something better"s out there...


Oh, the physical attraction does happen, don't get me wrong. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past (especially being used by girls repeatedly), so I just forced myself to ignore what my body says. Now i'm the one in control, not my penis...

I can't speak for all guys, but there's a difference between physical attraction and sexual attraction. Physical attraction, you think the girl looks good, but it's more of a pure attraction. Sexual attraction without the pure attraction, it's your dick doing the thinking. I tend to avoid those kind of women also as it does me no good since I'm not the type of guy that would attract such a woman and I probably wouldn't like her as company anyway.

I guess my definition has a few similarities... Sexual attraction is a stand-alone thing, while physical attraction is a part of romantic attraction. The primary difference is that I become physically attracted to women that are far from the culturally-accepted definition of "attractive", but only if I love the woman in question (which actually raises their "rating" far above supermodels, without any change in appearance on their part). Sexual attraction only occurs with models or other such figures, and I tend to ignore it completely. Physical attraction I ignore as well unless I am in a declared romantic relationship.

Toad, I think that after months in a "group setting," you'd have a sense of whether a young lady is interested or not. Have you considered explaining your initial conversational limitations to the lady you develop an interest in? If she's interested enough to date you, I think she'd be willing to be understanding that you might be quiet in the beginning of the relationship, in order to observe. Alternately, you could always plan activities that don't require a lot of conversation.

If I don't say anything, I would be the most boring date on the planet. And when I don't know anything about another person, I tend to fill the void with stuff about myself, which makes me look self-absorbed on top of that... The big problem is that I can't talk and listen at the same time, which pretty much all of society requires one to do...

How about asking questions about the other person instead of talking about yourself? Until you are willing to change your approach, how do you expect to change your results?


M.