"You can't love another until you love yourself"

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That is a fair enough way to put it. And with your post, it stated ALOT of what i felt though. Yeah im the wierd aspergian. easier for me to talk person to person face to face, then to communicate via text or over the phone (pretty much a crippling dislike to talking over the phone, do the point i dont answer calls unless i know the person already.)

It is down to the chromosomes but should nature intend it, through natural selectionn, the man can lose his nipples while the female keeps hers. Pecause different people, have verying degree if nipple sizes it would easily be possible to selectively breed the female of the species nipple to be vastly bigger, while the males reduce to the size where you need a telescope to see it.

Since any part of a dogs can be selectively bred I am sure its nipple can be also.

I don't mean to interrupt but I'd like to respond to the original topic

I agree with the statement that one needs to love oneself in order to have a proper relationship.

In my opinion people who don't love themselves are that way because they are stuck in the comparison state. They keep comparing themselves with others who (in their opinion) are better than them. People who love themselves compare too, but not all the time. If you are stuck in the comparison state it is pretty much impossible to connect.

There are many relationships in which there is one partner, (or both) that doesn't love themselves as much as their partner. This often leads to a relationship of comparison rather than connection. This makes the fights much more hard to solve.

I don't think people who don't love themselves have a problem with the loving... I think they have a problem with recieving love because deep inside they don't consider themselves worth the praise or love of their partner (which they put on a padestool). This will eventually turn off the partner. Either because they start believing they are 'better' and go seek another partner or they will get sick of giving without anyone recieving properly....

OK, this may explain why a person my behave in an apparently self destructive way. It might not be the correct one but it beats the assumption that a significant preportion of the human population are self destructive.

Maybe this appearance of not loving ones self is a way in creating a barrier, that not just any Tom Dick or Harry are likely to cross unless they liked the person in question an awful lot. For example I would give a self loathing aspie girl a try for a while if I didn't change her, it means it wasn't to be and her barriers would be still up, I would most likely avoid.

Some, if a Chavvy or Yardy girl showed interest in me( such woman are not my first choice). I would be willing to give them a go but I would make I would make it harder for them. I could be Jerk but that would have the reverse effect. So I would be quite the opposite or a little bit self loathing. If she is willing to stick around then that would mean that she really liked me.

Maybe it is possible that us human have not evolved a proper immunity to alcohol. Or alcohol isn't as self destructive as it appears, regarding it hindering one from reaching age sexual maturity to have offspring that intern survive to adulthood.

If as human we have not evolved an immunity to alcohol it would have the same effect as if you gave alcohol to some wild monkey. First, most of the monkeys would love it, getting pissed every night. Some of them will fall down from the trees and get killed, others would get eaten by predators, like lions. Before you now it, half the alcoholic monkeys are dead, and don't have the opportunity to pass on the alcholic gene to the next generation. Before you know it, after a couple of generation all the monkeys are tee-totaling and do not like alchohol, because they have inherited the gene that makes them hate alchohol. Simple evolutionary adaptation.

Going back to the original question -- I'll attempt to explain here how it works:

When you don't love yourself, and when you derive your value from other people, you place a certain burden on them. Not everyone (or even most people) who get into a relationship want to have someone depending on them, waiting on them hand and foot, or putting them on a pedestal. It's exhausting to the other person, who then has to pay you constant attention, much more so than they would with someone who considered themselves their equal. There's also no challenge -- people want something to strive for, they want to earn your love, they want to know that their own actions do matter in terms of whether you love them or not. If you let people you like walk all over you, you lose their respect.

The other part about not loving yourself is that it shows externally. Your mental states, like it or not, are very visible, especially to woman NT's and perceptive male NT's, in your body language, manner of speech, etc. This is normal, and the reason why Aspergers puts us at a disadvantage -- we have a harder time reading these signals, if we in fact can at all. But the object of our affections, or possible candidates for such, can read it very well.

So if you don't love yourself, you vibe "loser," and are less likely to get a quality person interested in you. Those that do will tend to be users or lower-tier folks (excepting Aspies, of course, who also have a hard time reading the signals).

It took me years to figure this out, but it's the reason why once we find a GF or BF, the whole world suddenly seems interested, while when we are lonely, sad, and needy/desperate, it's like we're not even there.

Thanks for that summary, billsmithglendale. Lots of other interesting responses here too.

I asked this mainly out of curiosity - myself, I'm pretty sure I'm happy with the person I am these days, though I think it'd be over-sentimental to call it loving
myself. I think one of the reasons I found the idea hard to grasp, though, is that I can't really imagine myself not loving someone else because they had low self esteem, assuming it wasn't too extreme. If anything, I'd be drawn to help them solve that problem.

Still haven't explain why human behave like this sometime. As I said before our emotions and behavior are suppose to help us to survive in hour environment. If the "not loving yourself" is truly a disadvantage all the time, these people would have died out, by means of natural selection process of evolution.

Just because a trait is beneficial does not mean that it is exclusive, causing the elimination of other traits or exhibitions. Also, the human species has been over-populating for centuries, making the argument of natural selection relatively weaker. Diversity makes a species more prone to survival - it is adaptability, not strength, that Darwin's argument makes as being crucial. The issue of self-love is an aspect to interpersonal relationships, but becomes less so in the absence of language and emotional value.


M.

To me, it means that you aren't able feel the romantic kind of love, that relationships require. Maybe it's just me, but during those times of my life where i had long periods of depression and lack of self respect, it would've been completely impossible to fall in love, because my mind was in a place that rendered it incapable. Yeah, I still loved my family members, etc....but that's not the kind of love that this phrase is talking about, in my opinion.


That's my simplified interpretation.

Oh, there are some reasonable explanations for this (some competing) that work on both an individual and a macro level.

Individually -- Vibing loser sends out signals to everyone, not just prospective lovers, that you are feeling down. So under the assumption that a certain percentage of the human population has high empathy and likes to help, this in fact can signal to others that you need help. How many times have you looked really sad or lonely, and had someone come and be nice to you? It happens, and that's why. To read more about this, look up "ostracism" on Wikipedia and look up the theories behind the physical effects lack of social contact has on the health of the individual -- the individual becomes sick. One theory is that this served in the pre-historic days to attract help from others and re-integrate them into the tribe.

However, a competing theory on the macro level would be that you are also taking yourself out of the reproductive race at that point in time as well, saving the human species as a whole from whatever problem you might have, and signalling that, at least for the moment, you are not a good candidate to have kids with.

And let's not think that being miserable/lonely is solely genetic, when in fact circumstances have a lot to do with it. So this would be another reason why "loserism" will never die out -- there are always bad things that happen to good people, things that can push them into depression, self-doubt, misery. Thus, evolution really isn't a strong acting force on this, because random events have as much, if not more, of an effect than genes.

The other point to be made here is that life has peaks and troughs. There are some years where life will be very good for us, and we will be feeling very happy and confident. During these times, it's almost like you are on a roll, but there is a self-reinforcing effect here that makes the peak all that much higher. The same goes for the troughs, the dips, the depths -- when things go badly, you can get depressed and make things worse through effects like self-fulfilling prophecies ("no one will ever love me, nobody likes me, I'm going to die alone, etc.). So you can be unsuitable for others at one period of your life, and much more suitable later.

Such has been the case for me -- my teen years were mostly a social and relationship nightmare. My 20s were the polar opposite, and my 30s are.... well, still figuring it out.

Thats a little bit better.

I believe that phrase is absolutely true. I believe the logical explanation as to why the statement is true is strictly due to fear, which is psychological. If you have fear or confusion, you have doubts about yourself and your abilities, which then cause you to feel emotionally depressed and apathetic about yourself (negative thoughts create negative emotions, it is both physiological and psychological). If you aren't confident and sure of yourself, you can't really love someone else because you have unresolved issues of your own that take a higher priority over finding someone else and trying to love them. How can you love another person if you are consumed by personal doubts and inner conflict?

I hear that in theory but - if that were the line, about 10% of the people out there would be unblemished enough to be suitable to love or be loved. Life treats everyone differently as well and insecurities come about for different reasons.

I think the bigger issues is can someone compartmentalize their insecurities enough to be there for someone else and to think about them as often? Most people won't be over all of their issues with themselves until their well into their middle ages, youth beats the hell out of people as a function of what stage of life that it designates and what's going on at that time.

you are just wrong sorry that's it. i explained the genetics of why.

edit: well, size is another story... but they cannot lose the nipples as you suggest. adjustable nipple size = truce ?

On the topic of nipples - some people actually have six. Recessive trait but it happens.