Question for the Aspie males that want girlfriends.

Post Reply New Topic

Love isn't what the movies make it out to be. While couples might look happy in public, you don't see what's really going on behind the scenes. While I'm glad I got to experience the things I experienced with the girl I dated, I'm still hung up on her without even being fully aware of it and I haven't seen her since June. For those of you who didn't read in previous posts, I almost overdosed on medication when she cut off all contact for a week out of the blue. So be careful what you wish for.

We all want that person who's our type that also loves us as much as we love them, but it usually doesn't work that way, otherwise divorce rates wouldn't be so high.

Sex! duh....

Heh, seriously though, you're 100% on the mark, therange, and I agree. This is precisely why I'm not seeking a relationship, even though I'd love some companionship right now as I deal with my own depression, and even though my hobbies are far more interesting than video games and sci fi.

When one has emotional issues, feels lonely, like they need someone, chances are that the person they seek will end up as a CRUTCH to prop up their self esteem. But - news flash - no one likes being a crutch. While it's conceivably possible that a companion could give a self-esteem boost, it's very likely that this boost is entirely dependent. I've been there, done it, cried afterwards. I've seen some of my friends do precisely the same thing.

It ends in one of two ways: A) The broken guy loses his crutch girlfriend and is shattered because he never actually dealt with his issues, or B) The girl had just as many issues, and they became entirely codependent.

I guess from the standpoint of your average desperate guy, option B doesn't look that bad.... But That's kinda like eying a moldy Spam sandwich when you're starving to death.

my advice is dont bother, just stay by yourselves. Far less pain and drama in the long run. Be true to your self rather than lock away your personality to conform to other peoples expectations just to maintain a 'relationship'

Let me ask you this, then: How are you supposed to walk without a crutch when your leg is broken? You need that crutch if you want to go anywhere and have your leg heal properly. Or, alternatively, you can just sit there and hope everything you need comes to you so you don't have to get up, but of course that is more unrealistic than using the crutch. Of course, this also means that once you have a crutch, you need to be responsible enough to make sure your leg heals properly, or you'll just end up breaking it again (which is what most guys get wrong)


It's only a moldy Spam sandwich if they're together for only the reason that they have a partner. But what if they truly enjoy the time they spend together?

I don't think wanting a girlfriend by itself makes a guy needy. If he whines about it,maybe, but not if he just states the problem.

Doing anything to keep her is flattering, provided it is known after you guys are emotionally intimate.

Well if we're sticking with the analogy, then you walk with a broken leg by.... walking with a broken leg. You don't need a relationship crutch. Even when one's life is in shambles, one still has the capacity to function. Sometimes, a depression is so debilitating that functionality utterly breaks down, and some girl might be able to just barely drag you along, but even then a relationship doesn't address the issues, and can easily make things worse... For two people.

As for things coming to you... when people establish self esteem and healthy life functionality, then actually, things DO come a little more automatically. But while one's capacity to be healthy and foster a healthy relationship is shot, then no, a relationship wont (and shouldn't) come to you.
Really, if you're in a bad time in your life, why would you want to draw another person into your mess? That's just mean. Man, with the mess that is my current life, I'd feel terrible for drawing some poor young lady into my web... I didn't used to think that way, but now, having made that mistake, I know better.

Regarding taking responsibility for 'your leg' while in a relationship: This is unrealistic. People don't tend to do this. We think we can do it, but generally we don't. We're too buzzed and stupid on the relationship high to address issues that won't seem like issues anymore, since the symptoms are now less tangible.

I'd posit that support, when you need it, is the 'job' of family, platonic friends, support groups, and - potentially your best support group - you. You do not need a boyfriend/girlfriend to re-establish self-esteem. As a matter of fact, the entire concept of self-esteem is polar opposite from having your emotional state dependent on another person.

Hit the gym 2-3 time a week. Focus on being a pleasant character. Learn a new skill. Finish projects. Kick ass at work/school. Save up and destroy your debts mercilessly. Take a step or two towards a distant goal. Militantly maintain your hygiene with pride. Buy a new outfit that makes you look completely f****n rad. That's where selfesteem comes from. It is forged through work on the things you do, and person you craft. It's based on very tangible things that you had to fight to accomplish which gives you cause for pride.
Not relationships.

Fair enough. But that's a fragile, issue-prone relationship. It is not built on strong foundations. You can go ahead and take shelter 'neath that creaky 100 year old barn - it works. But a better idea would be to seek more stable shelter.
... Boy, I really need to quit with these stupid analogies.

I was just recently at that point in my life too. When a woman came into my life, however, it gave me the motivation, and more importantly, the reason, to straighten up and fly right. If it weren't for that relationship, I'd still be drifting along being nothing but pure loser. (Now I'm only a partial loser ) The thing is, I loved this woman so much that I wanted to be the very best I could be for her. And that alone provided the incentive I needed. The woman coming along didn't fix me directly, but it provided the catalyst I needed to effect change within myself. If your definition of "love" is to give everything you can of yourself for another person, this solution works quite well. Unfortunately, most guys' definition of "love" is "will she put out", and therefore my solution is regrettably unsuitable for most guys.

But there's no point in living if you have nobody to live for. In the end, nobody is going to give a s*** if you have a completely rad outfit. I'm not advocating that you completely abandon your other goals just to pursue relationships (I personally am pursuing a college degree right now, and I plan on graduating within a year), but living for yourself is not a means to finding fulfillment in life. If I had to pick between good looks, wealth, or true love, I'd pick the latter in a heartbeat, because with that, I never have to be truly alone again.

Good to see the old Toad back.

What you're describing Toad isn't love, not even close. It's neediness and obsession. I get the impression that any woman could have come around and given you the time of day and you would have been grateful and done everything in your power to keep her. That isn't love.

The fact that you're still equating a female counterpart with happiness shows me that you haven't changed at all. A truly happy person is happy with or without a significant other in their life.

+1

Great perspective.

You so have have it nailed down. Absolutely true.
The great thing about this is you can be happy alone.... But HAPPIER STILL with a significant other. Not only that, if you are stable when alone, then your relationship's stability skyrockets. And you do a great favor to the one you love by being ALL that you can be for them. If you are in a relationship while unhealthy, you aren't providing your significant other your full potential.
Riddle me this: What happens if this woman slips away? What happens to your sense of self?
And, is it possible that she might think, "without me, he'd crash," for example? How do you think such ideas would affect your partner's outlook regarding you and your relationship?
I cannot help but detect your undertones, and the straw-man argument it carries. A pity. Not only that, your assumption that most guys want only sex is just silly, and very pessimistic.
Now that's just disturbing. What about friends, family, your future lifelong companion? And even barring that, what is wrong with enjoying your life for yourself? It does not preclude introducing a partner into your 'reasons for living' later.
I figured you'd key into that line, hehe. Fact: When you look good, you feel good. This is not shallow; this a human truism. The purpose of that line lies in the context which I guess you're missing. You build self-esteem by doing things that make you feel good about yourself, and even the little tiny things, like looks, help. Often times, it's one of the easier ones to improve a little, compared to stuff like debts or physical health or continually struggling through those years of school. It's not very significant perhaps, but looks can be a useful baby step. And if you haven't felt the satisfaction of a new outfit, I suggest you give it a try. Gotta enjoy the simple things, too, ya know.
There are noted historical figures who would disagree. However, we're in agreement that finding a person to share your life with enhances life.
Likewise. But who ever brought up good looks and wealth in the context of love? This straw-man vibe I'm getting is just immense.

You misunderstand. I'm not saying that happiness is directly proportional to relationship status. I'm saying that a relationship can improve your life, and even after it's over, one can still reap the benefits. Many people here are the types that have never had a relationship, and based on my experience both during and after the relationship, it's much easier to work on yourself once you've had that one success.

Having been in a relationship gives you a more realistic view of relationships in general, and makes them easier to approach. Knowing that you've succeeded in the past gives you the confidence that this next one might actually work, and therefore, you just might have someone to live for in the future.

I'm not saying your advice is completely invalid, it's just that it's a little too self-centered. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept "love" as having anything to do with the self. And no, I don't think what I experienced was neediness or desperation at all, because I was just as willing to let her go... if I truly loved her, as I did, I would do whatever I can to make her happy, even if her happiness requires my getting out of her life forever. (although in this case, her happiness meant that we went back to being friends... it just didn't work out as a relationship, but she didn't utterly hate me for it).

My solution is to take antidepressant and antipsychotic drugs that basically destroyed my sexual urges. I therefore feel no need to have anything to do with women. It's a second-best outcome but it sure beats awkwardly sitting a table in some restaurant trying to make conversation with a girl who finds you utterly repulsive and would rather be anywhere else than sitting opposite you.

I agree, but why are some people freaked out by said gestures?

What about people who have jump through hoops to be with them?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt119344.html

I can understand why it doesn't seem to make much sense. But it really, truly, freaks out many people.

When you're a relatively happy person, you don't dependent on a significant other. I would LIKE to have someone that I feel strongly about, but I don't need it. It seems a lot of the guys on here just want a mother figure to love them unconditionally, and in Tim's case, also do dirty things with him. That isn't a relationship, that's co-dependency.