Is it better to follow my heart or my head?

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Its common to have a hole after something is ended.

Time fills this, and thats what you need. Time and physical distance.
Don't go back to him. If you go through hell over and over again, sometimes things can work out, sometimes they never do.

Ive gone back to people who have made me feel this way because I can't cope without them, and its not love, its not a relationship, and its not happiness.

Its feeding a drug addiction.

It all depends on the reasons why they didn't get on in the first place, and whether these problems are insurmountable and permanent, or were a temporary blip and can be worked around.

I know sometimes relationships go sour and it's best to walk away. But that's not always true, it depends on the circumstances. As we don't fully understand the circumstances, we can't judge. To say that they should definitely break up just because it's what you needed to do in your circumstances, seems foolish to me H-B. My gut instinct is that this is another classic 'all or nothing' Aspie relationship which needs calming down and rebuilding. Though I admit that my observations are based on my experience and so are just as unreasonable as H-B's, in that I might be wrong too!

Tell us more about the relationship, over the long term. Put it into context. What are the pros and cons? What do you have in common? Do you want the same things for the future? Is there any middle ground: a compromise where you could both be happy? What do you disagree on? Does it matter?

Could you be equally happy with someone else?

If you don't find it easy talking about these things, it's sometimes easier to write a letter or e-mail to express how you feel and ask questions.

If you can't communicate about your feelings at all, it probably won't work out. The original question is an unreasonable one - most relationships need to appeal to both heart and head. The weighting between the two can vary, but 100% on one side or the other means it won't last long IMHO.

1. The pros are that we did have good times togehter and he did make me happy sometimes when i looked into his eyes all i could see was love.
the cons are that we also had bad times together, hed just flip over the littlest thing or i would act badly...
i didnt feel treated right he didnt feel treated right.

2. we both like the same music, as well as other little stuff, other than that we dont have much in common although we are interested about each other interests.

3. do we want the same things for the future? i dont really get that question =/

4. is there a comprismise? i really have no idea =/

5. We disagree on lots of things. whether it matters or not is another issue.

6. i admit that there may be someone out there who has all his good qualities and none of his bad qualities. not saying perfect but none of the bad qualities which made us not work, but the good qualities that i saw and found in him.


We had been going out for nearly a year. we both have aspergers although he doesnt talk about it and wont admit it and i kind of found out he had it by accident.

Ive decided that maybe i should meet him, see what he has to say and stuff, either way i know i need closure, since we broke up on the phone so i never got to say a proper goodbye =/

xxxxx

In-person closure = good.
Letting him change your mind = bad.
Stick to your decision, you know best what's right here, not him. He'll naturally try to get what he wants, despite your wishes. Its what us guys often do, especially when we're young. And we don't even realize that's what we're doing.

Ugh, I remember breaking up when I was 19. It's embarrassing just thinking about my behavior. Bare in mind that this is also whats best for him, even if he cannot see it.

I have friends who are together for about 3 years, and the girl's mother didn't accept him for some reasons at start. They ignored it, and are happy together. I think you should listen to them for advice, but it's okay to reject their recommendations.


My wrong - missed that part somehow. Sorry


I agree on some level. I predicted things when others thought I was crazy, but was right. But, as you said - I've lived a much shorter life, and she's even younger than me. So I think that in this age we shouldn't be so sure of our predictions, sometimes.

However, sometimes people are different. People warned me many times about my approach, and I don't regret anything, though they all told me I would.


I am happy I rejected some of my parents' recommendations. They were wrong. I was right. Sometimes.

Sorry! Relate

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okay well i met up with him
we tlked about the problems from both sides
agtreed its not a good idea to get back togehter
but i am hurting so much when i saw him i saw the guy i love , looking in his eyes all i wanted was to get back with him ...
=/
xxxx

I am sorry things didn't work out. Eventually you will meet someone you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

I am sorry things didn't work out. Eventually you will meet someone you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

*hugs* It will be tough. You'll be okay in the end though just give it some time.

@Angelgirl, I know it hurts right now, but I do think you made the right decision - and that's a huge achievement for a young lady your age.

I think you've learned something valuable about relationships....rarely are there relationships that are 100% bad. There are almost always happy times, happy memories in any relationship. In the same way there are rarely individuals who are just 100% evil - people always have some redeeming qualities. But that's where real maturity comes in - being able to assess whether the good outweighs the bad - in a relationship or a person.

As I'm sure you've probably realized, unless something major had changed with one of you, resurrecting the relationship would have produced the same result. I'm mentioning that not to make you feel bad, but because you mentioned in your original post that your ex often accused you of taking stress out on him, and that you both wound up tearing each other apart. If you do think you treated your ex inappropriately when you were stressed, I really encourage you to see how you can change that behavior.

Look, everybody - Aspie and NT alike - has stress in their lives. Most people - Aspie and NT alike - don't cope with stress in very healthy ways. But there are ways to cope with stress that are better than others, and you can learn those. Even if the best you can do on some occasions is to say, "Honey, I wish I could, but I can't deal with your issue right now. I'm stressed, and I have nothing left to give," that's better than the whole tearing each other apart scenario. If you really did take stress out on your ex (and I say if because only you know the answer to that), that's something you can change about yourself....because it's not fair to treat your partner that way. And it's something you wouldn't want to take into your next relationship.

Last, I'd like to take a moment to say something on your parents' behalf. They love you - you're their precious little girl. Anyone who hurts their precious child is never going to get their endorsement. When you have children (but probably long before then), you'll understand how they feel about your ex. In the meantime, try not to be too hard on them - they're on your side. Take care, hon.

I wish I could believe in this, I don't. Hopefully it's the case for her at least.

This is why I'm wary about giving any advice about parents. I wish that I could believe that about someone's parents, but I just can't imagine it really. I'm not sure if I want children, and that's a small part of it probably. But it's likely mostly because my whole childhood was basically a nightmare of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. And even beyond my childhood I've never gotten the impression that my parents are even glad that I was born. So I advised that she ignore her parents input because it is what I would do. Definitely I will need to be even more wary and police myself more that I don't let the skeletons in my own closet effect what I say on here so much. So, I'm glad you pointed out those things about what you think of her parents, Hope. I wouldn't have even thought of that otherwise.

@Descartes30, don't be so hard on yourself....every person's life experience informs their perspective - it's natural. Most parents are protective of their children, but I know there are parents out there who should never be entrusted with the care of a child. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time with yours.