Best Friend Was an Aspie Girl - She Hates Me Now

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Well, she has called me a friend too... I was just reciprocating that.

I should mention that we've never discussed what happened in person. That's the only reason I'm still hoping things will change. I'm bound to bump into her sometime and next time I do I will tell her how I care about her. If that doesn't change things than what else can I do but try to move on? People will say that there are so many other fish in the sea but there aren't for me... because I'm not willing to go through breakup after breakup just to find the "right" person. It's too hurtful.

I actually wrote her a song (I'm a musician) that I'll probably never get to sing to her...

Okay OP....your explanation does not sit well with me. I'm with Lene - why did you define this girl as a friend (after you'd gone to the trouble of trying to repair the relationship), when you knew you had romantic feelings for her? It doesn't matter that she'd called you a friend in the past - you weren't being honest with her when you did that. Why would you do that, instead of telling her how you really felt? I get the sense there's something you haven't revealed here.

Also, if this girl is so important to you, why are you leaving it to chance to try to repair the relationship? You're hoping to "bump into" her, so you can tell her you're in love with her? That makes no sense to me. If I were you, I'd take a good long look at your behavior, and figure out why you called her a "friend" the second time. If you come to the conclusion that you do genuinely love this young lady, then I hope you write her a letter, and take responsibility for hurting her the second time. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to equivocate, or make excuses like she'd called you a "friend" before. That will only make her more angry. If you have any chance of re-gaining this girl's trust, you have to prove yourself worthy by being scrupulously honest about what you did, and why. And that's going to require you to be honest with yourself, first.

HopeGrows, that's it exactly.

I'd be wary of hooking up with a man who pretends to be my friend because he's too scared or whatever to initiate a love affair.

I got the impression that they were rather close friends for rather a long time.

Ironically that happened to a friend and I when we were in middle school, except we were both guys and both just friends. To be honest I don't know what's happened to him.

OP - I noticed in your story that your crush accused you of being cruel to her and for taking her for granted. Now as an aspie girl myself, I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that you would never mean to be that kind of person, especially not to one you really like.

Now I dont know you, but what I do know from personal experience is that people tend to not like me because I tend to be mean to them even when I think I'm not being mean. And then I have to feel the opposite affect when guys treat me like total s*** and then they'll say that they're just "giving me a hard time". As messed up as it sounds, many guys find "giving girls a hard time" as a means of being friendly or saying "I like you" to another girl. But from the girl's perspective it just gives off the wrong message.

I am always contemplating what makes a guy believe that constantly teasing and ridiculing and playing jokes on a girl will actually win them one. If the girl you like is an aspie, maybe she has the same view point.

Perhaps you've never seen it in this way but you may want to consider looking back on your relationship with this girl and ask yourself if there may have been a time or multiple times where you may have rubbed her off the wrong way (ex Ever teased her constantly for something? Ever made a crude joke about her where she didnt laugh?) There may have been multiple times where you tried to be nice and friendly only to come off the complete opposite of that. It's sadly a bad habit with most aspies like myself because either way (whether your on the giving or recieving end of the behavior) someone is gonna accused the other of being cruel.

If you can handle it you may have to ask other people who know you and this girl and ask them if that is the case. Try not to let it get to you like it did me. I know it's not completely my fault that I'm an ass but I'm willing to improve on some things if I'm in the mood to make friends again.

Another thing to note: this aspie girls seems alot like me in that when friends are cruel to me I'm willing as hell to close them out of my life. It's a coping mechanism I guess but I wouldn't try and pry her out of it.

I am in a similar situation... Only I never received an apology.

Totally loved a guy and he knew it. He turned out to be a lying deceiving scum-of-the-earth type. So I stopped talking to him. Now, even though he refuses to apologize to me (Cause he's still denying things I caught him red handed with) and yet, even though I had never initiated contact with him in over a year... He keeps calling to hang out with me. We work together, which makes it hard cause even though we act professionally... meaning we joke around ect and are civil... I get into a yelling screaming fight with him every time he does this because he refuses to acknowledge he did anything wrong and that it hurt me. He says it's all my interpretation and therefore my issue. So I keep saying to let me deal with it then. Cause IMHO, it does come down to the fact that I would never have treated him (or any other human) the way he treated me. And it pains me so much cause I DO get along with him and I DID want to build a life with him. The only way I can cope is to forget about it. It has always amazed me how people "forgive but don't forget" and how THAT can cause issues... Well, I can forgive & forget but in this instance I can't forgive and my only option is to FORGET. If he expects me to accept/respect that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong then he has to accept/respect that I don't want someone like that in my life.

Sounds like you may have to accept/respect something like that. Though, if you have truly apologized for the correct issue, then perhaps something can be salvaged... But people change. And for me, after something like this; I identify with something like a rescue animal... Where in a new home, they're perfectly happy and sweet animals, but you bring back the person who abused them... and they're pissing on the carpet, snarling or what have you. Even if this guy apologizes to me for the things he should... I am not sure how much space I would still require for him to stand at (figuratively speaking). I doubt I'd ever be able to healthily welcome him back as close as I had wished him to stay... But if he really ever did care about me, he would apologize and just be content with whatever I felt comfortable with... Chalk it up to black & white thinking... But even if that's not how the world is... It's what I'm comfortable with.

But if you really have apologized and really do care for her, you'll accept her new perspective. It's not your fault or hers but I figure it's just how life is.

GL.

My impression was that the OP mistakenly thought neither was romantically attracted to the other. Had he been right, it would indeed have made no sense to ask her out when it could only harm the friendship.
I've been in the position of having a female friend with whom I had no romantic intentions initially whatsoever, and then she grew on me. When I asked her out, she immediately assumed the friendship had been a lie and that I had wanted to date her from the beginning. We're no longer friends.



Agreed, one has no obligation to be friends with any particular person. What bothers me from her behaviour, at least from the side of the story I've read, is that (unlike your behaviour) she isn't willing to let him try and explain himself, even though he's apologised and she gave the impression of being willing to take him back as a friend.

She is acting like a typical woman. Lot of them do those things and freak out when a guy sends someone after them to ask them why they stopped speaking or why they cut off contact. I don't think any of this is AS related she is doing. I think it's more of being a woman and a b***h. I don't understand why they act that way.

Sadly some misunderstandings can never be fixed. One person can try and fix it and the other refuses to cooperate. It's best to move on than trying to keep on trying to fix it because it can make things worse.

Last edited by League_Girl on 01 Mar 2010, 6:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Men aren't allowed to like other women as friends or people? Are you saying they are supposed to dislike them?

I don't have a problem with my husband liking other women online because they are his friends.

I don't think he said it to hurt her or else he wouldn't be feeling this way in his post.

So....a typical woman is a b***h? That's kind of an ugly little thought.

No offense but I hear lot of women are b*****s. I know the saying, "Women, you can't live with them, you can't live without them." I know I can be one too. But I would never act that way.

LG, I just think you're better than that. There a lots of stereotypes floating around out there, and lots of them are based in some level of truth....but I'd like to think that (particularly when it comes to personal relationships) men and women can really compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses. And you know, in good old corporate America, when a woman is blunt, or direct, or efficient, or honest - she's usually not called a "leader" - which is what they'd call a man. She's usually called a b***h. Like I said - I think you're better than that comment.

Just replying to the first post without reading the other replies. This way my reply won't be influenced etc.

First - I'm old enough to be your mom probably but still, 18 is very young. It isn't meant to sound cold - but at least in my experience, things that seem a HUGE deal at 18 will barely even be remembered in later life. Try to think of life in the big picture if you can. (I say "if you can" because I know when depressed, things are hard to see other than in the depressive mode.)

On the first incident I agree with you, that you were a little bit in the wrong. While it isn't a serious, serious crime or anything, it was a bit callous of her feelings perhaps. However I do think it was unintentional on your part. You thought of her as a buddy, not as a girl.

However, it turned out that she liked you in a romantic way at that time, and it hurt her to spend hours with you only to be told that you liked her friend.

She sounds like she tried again to be like you two once were but she just couldn't hack it. However hard it is, try to let it all go. That's how life is - things happen that change how things are and it's best to try to adapt to the new changes.

Look at it this way it probably means there is a lot more time for someone else you like to come into your life now. Maybe life has something even better in store for you. Good luck.

Leave the girl alone. Don't push her.

And DO NOT tell her about your suicidal tendencies, because that would be emotional blackmail.

The best thing for you would be if you focused on something else for a while. New activities, new people or new places.