With AS, Does no one want to "give?"

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that would be incorrect

Yep I do like to make my partner happy. But I find I am happiest with someone who doesnt mind that I am a bit self-absorbed in the sense that I am sort of folded in on myself, its hard to explain. I think it would be very hard for an NT person to date people with AS though, I can sort of see how they would see it. They would think that we are being selfish, but it isnt really like that, we dont really have the same sense of "people" as NTs, ie people being real, I dont anyway.

I don't like doing things for my husband but I have to or else I be selfish. I want to be a good wife.

This is quite ignorant. You have no idea how hard most (if not all) of us have tried during our lives. ESPECIALLY those of us that struggled with this before the days a diagnosis existed. You would benefit from doing some serious reading about AS before (as Willard quite aptly put) you "look down your nose at us" in our own support forum and spout more nonsense.

Someone who is giving can certainly be getting something from the process as well. Giving can be quite a selfish act when one gets emotional or esteem-based gratification, for example. <Edited out. I was pretty angry here and a little too mean.>

Last edited by ViperaAspis on 24 Mar 2010, 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The defensiveness always persists. I am not complaining at all. I gave my perception and asked for others to respond. Actually, parents give to children and DO expect something in return. I never claimed to be selfless. We all have needs. I have plenty to learn. I am constantly a work-in-progress as I go through my life. I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying seeing the joy I can give to someone. I don't think it isn't genuine because I enjoy making people happy, and making people happy (including my kids) makes me feel wondeful. How is that any different from an AS person absolutely loving their special interest? Everyone gets a pay off from doing stuff. People do things they are interested in because it provides them with enjoyment.

But no, not one complaint came from me. Not one.

Pardon my presumption here, but I get the impression that this thread can only go downhill, barring a re-calibration or detailed reiteration of the original premise.

LOL. Probably not. All I wanted to know, was if people with AS think about what they can give back and if its important to them. Most of the threads on here are about what they need (also appreciated), but I was curious as to the thought process on the other end of the relationship spectrum. My bf doesn't put this into words well, and thought maybe someone could put it into written word better for me.

It's curiosity. Not a judgement. Not a complaint. Simply wondering the mind set on the "giving" end of the relationship.

@Sound: I'll keep it civil. I want her educated about what she's doing after all. Hurling insults won't help anyone.

Let's refresh the statements, then:

Q: Why would you get the impression the forum population seems uninterested in giving?
A: I get that impression from the comments of "I should be accepted as I am and not have to do anything differently than what I have always done." and the "this is what I know how to give and won't take the time to learn to give anything else."

If you want to backpedal a little and say your comments about how all of us "won't take the time to learn to give anything else" is directed solely at your boyfriend or some other specific individual, then great. I leave you alone. If you persist in saying that this is how all people with AS are (i.e. the forum population), then I continue to take offense. I am a member of this group.

Yes, you do; nature of being young. However, you seem to think you know quite a bit about us. Enough to make insulting generalizations. My comments are not simply defensiveness. Nor was Willard's comment simply "paranoia" (and you don't need to come in here and call members paranoid either, miss). We have a legit beef here, that's why several of us have commented specifically on this particular portion of your text. In spite of your claims to the contrary, it is aimed at us as a group and is quite judgmental of us.


I agree (surprised?). At first, you did give your perception. People should come here and seek understanding of us. NTs and those with AS can help each other tremendously. You were given some very good answers and feedback. However, your "impression of our comments" took it quite a bit further and was completely out of line. You're telling me personally that I'm not giving enough because I won't "take the time to learn" to give anything else? I've taken plenty of time, lady. Plenty. You don't know me. You don't know those of us here. You want insights, great, but take your judgments elsewhere.


Consider this: I go to a Gay Pride website and tell them they just need to "learn to love women" (but I'm not complaining). I go to Weight Watchers gathering and tell them they just need to "eat less" (but I'm not complaining). That's wrong, right? Can you see how it is also wrong to go to a support website for those who struggle with AS and tell them (ALL of them) that they are uninterested in giving because they all have attitudes of "'I should be accepted as I am and not have to do anything differently than what I have always done.' and the[sic] 'this is what I know how to give and won't take the time to learn to give anything else.'" As I've mentioned, this is not my attitude and I would not characterize it as the attitude of most here but EVEN IF THIS WERE TRUE (rather than completely wrong) I would not appreciate having it pointed out to me on my own support site.

If not judgments or complaints, then what other euphamism would you use to describe your grand distillation of The Philanthropic Philosophy of Those With AS? Praise? Are these your ideas of compliments?

@ViperaAspis - If that's your idea of "keeping it civil," I'd hate to see your idea of handing somebody's a$$ to them.

your hubby is a very lucky man.

i am again reminded of the kurt vonnegut story of the spaceman zog, who lived on the planet margo, where the natives conversed by means of f@rts and tap-dancing. well one day zog was on a planet-scouting mission when he spotted earth- nice, lovely blue watery planet, and said "that's the place for me to investigate!" so he descends through the clouds and happens to land across the street from a house afire, so he jumps out of his saucer, runs up into the burning house, f@rting and tap-dancing in a desperate attempt to warn the occupants of the imminent danger they are in. the head of the household sees zog and brains him with a golf club. a classic failure to communicate.
i am zog, but i take beano so there will be no gas. yeah, right.

How is a statement about "impressions someone has gotten" translating into a broad sweeping statement about everyone with AS? I mean, if there are 50 people in a room and 15 of them are talking about XYZ, it's not wrong to say "I get an impression that XYZ is a popular subject in there." You're not automatically saying "EVERYONE IN THAT ROOM IS OBSESSED WITH XYZ." No one is accusing you personally of anything.

very good point. I have a list of things I think I would really enjoy. I don't even think I can write them out, and because they sound silly and sappy and make me sound like June Cleaver. My inner feminist is definitely at odds with my submissive side. If I could be a housewife I would, but I know that will never happen. I'm sad about it really, but I would love to wait on someone hand and foot, if I ever got the opportunity, which I won't. It sucks. I actually feel something akin to grief about this because it is a side of me that I don't think is ever going to be fulfilled. I have to work and support myself and that will never change. Even if I got the chance I don't know if I could let someone support me because of the power thing and having my own money. That sounds like taking rather than giving but it isn't if you are creating a home for someone and cooking and cleaning, etc.

I haven't had many opportunities to attend or nurse someone ill. I've had some experiences, and it was generally good, but I still haven't had a chance to hold someone's hair back while they "pray before the porcelain goddess". I'd like to do that sometime.

I suck at this quotes thing, so I will try to actually make this so everyone knows what I am referring to

If you want to backpedal a little and say your comments about how all of us "won't take the time to learn to give anything else" is directed solely at your boyfriend or some other specific individual, then great. I leave you alone. If you persist in saying that this is how all people with AS are (i.e. the forum population), then I continue to take offense. I am a member of this group.

Not saying everyone with AS is like this. What I am saying is that these are comments I read, and I am wondering if everyone feels that way. There have been some wonderful responses (I appreciate everyone's honesty-- its enlightening).

Yes, you do; nature of being young. However, you seem to think you know quite a bit about us. Enough to make insulting generalizations. My comments are not simply defensiveness. Nor was Willard's comment simply "paranoia" (and you don't need to come in here and call members paranoid either, miss). We have a legit beef here, that's why several of us have commented specifically on this particular portion of your text. In spite of your claims to the contrary, it is aimed at us as a group and is quite judgmental of us.

First, I don't consider myself young (but thanks!). No, I don't know "quite a bit" about any of you. I also never claimed to. I am not making a judgement or have I come to any conclusion about people with AS as a group. Again, I see specific posts that refer to not giving and wanted to know if everyone felt that way.

I agree (surprised?). At first, you did give your perception. People should come here and seek understanding of us. NTs and those with AS can help each other tremendously. You were given some very good answers and feedback. However, your "impression of our comments" took it quite a bit further and was completely out of line. You're telling me personally that I'm not giving enough because I won't "take the time to learn" to give anything else? I've taken plenty of time, lady. Plenty. You don't know me. You don't know those of us here. You want insights, great, but take your judgments elsewhere.

I apologize if my impression was offensive-- but my impression is my impression. I happen to enjoy knowing what people's impressions are of me and I take them to heart (including these posts). My intention is NOT to offend, but to understand and to allow people to "hear" what others may perceive by their words. I also never said that no one is not giving enough, nor did I mean it. I offered up the way I think and do things as an example as to where I am coming from. I am ok with people not agreeing with how I do things, and I actually enjoy hearing others' perspectives.

Consider this: I go to a Gay Pride website and tell them they just need to "learn to love women" (but I'm not complaining). I go to Weight Watchers gathering and tell them they just need to "eat less" (but I'm not complaining). That's wrong, right? Can you see how it is also wrong to go to a support website for those who struggle with AS and tell them (ALL of them) that they are uninterested in giving because they all have attitudes of "'I should be accepted as I am and not have to do anything differently than what I have always done.' and the[sic] 'this is what I know how to give and won't take the time to learn to give anything else.'" As I've mentioned, this is not my attitude and I would not characterize it as the attitude of most here but EVEN IF THIS WERE TRUE (rather than completely wrong) I would not appreciate having it pointed out to me on my own support site.

I never told anyone they needed to do anything. I also never told anyone that they are uninterested in giving. I gave my perception and interpretation of certain comments (because I was asked how I came to ask the question about willingness to give). Nothing more. Also, people ask all the time "why can't I find anyone?" I find this a very legitimate topic to explore when answering that question for oneself.

If not judgments or complaints, then what other euphamism would you use to describe your grand distillation of The Philanthropic Philosophy of Those With AS? Praise? Are these your ideas of compliments?

Not judgements, complaints, or compliments. Everything doesn't fall into one of those categories. It's my impression of what people say and how it can be interpreted. Never once did I ask for agreement, and I still appreciate the honest and forthright responses that I did get (THANK YOU!).

That actually sounds very much like giving. I enjoy doing those things for someone as well