What do you think are some major causes of Aspie rejection?

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KaiG
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15 Aug 2010, 10:09 pm

MrDiamondMind wrote:
I've never ever been rejected in my life. Ever.

Also, I've never ever made an attempt to romantically approach anyone... ever.

Hey, me too! It wasn't a conscious decision of mine (I didn't have many chances; I wasn't really around girls until university), but I feel it's kept me safe from romance-related pain, and it's kept me from becoming a cynic like some people I know in RL who went through relationship drama too early. However, it's also left me with a void in my life in some ways.

I do feel like I probably wouldn't have been good for a relationship when I was younger, though. I think that if I managed to find myself in one at this stage of my life, it would kind of be the perfect time.


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15 Aug 2010, 11:06 pm

I think the only NT women that are compatible with Aspie men are women that first-hand or second-hand (a relative or studying a-typical thought and depression and the like in college) have experienced what it's like to not live a perfectly normal life. I know NTs have problems, too, but social skills and intelligence aren't one of them. On top of this, the woman in question has to be caring on top of understanding.

A typical NT woman, regardless of physical appearance, would not be a good match for an Aspie male.

I've met women who didn't care (and knew) about the Aspergers...but didn't empathize with how much it limited me, and expected the same things out of me that they would any other guy.

Also, non-judgmental women in general, which goes without saying.



Yung-Warrior-85
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15 Aug 2010, 11:13 pm

lennyk wrote:
from my experience,

1. Aspies due to eye contact and emotionless expression issues will appear less friendly and likely to be considered aloof, even snobby. This is a real icemaker

2. Small talk issues, we have problems making small talk

3. Further to small talk issues, we have problems escalating conversations past small talk

4. We are likely to have anxiety and approach issues with strangers due to our social ineptness


Yeah......This is definately me. When I was younger I considered myself to be physically attractive and overheard girls talking about me too, but I never really grew up and had a very naive outlook on the way the world works. I can't approach women good at all for the reasons mentioned above.



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16 Aug 2010, 9:16 am

I forgot to mention that Aspie interest could be a cause of rejection. Some women like guys because the guy has similar interest to them. We usually have obsessive interest & they tend to be on the geeky/dorky side. Women would rather date a guy who plays guitar than a guy who plays video-games; or guy who does repair work instead of a guy who repairs computers; or a guy who goes clubbing instead of a guy who goes to Renaissance fairs; or a guy who travels instead of a guy who goes to scifi conventions.
Lots on info online say that Aspies lack emotion, don't show empathy, are uncaring ect & I cant speak for anyone else but I'm very sensitive; I'm a HSP(Highly Sensitive Person) but I don't show it or show it the rite way sometimes. I never really fit in because I have lots or problems that most NTs do not have. People think I have low self-esteem because I am very aware of the fact I am different & have weaknesses that others don't. When it comes to asking women out; I get nervous because I believe I will likely get rejected(I've gotten rejected every single time I tried asking a women out) & when I get nervous; I tend to ramble, stutter & say things that I should not say or say in a different way; I end up acting like I have Turrets Syndrome so it's no surprise that I do get rejected. I feel hurt after(& usually want to bang my head into a wall cuz I'm such a freaking loser) & so the next time I want to ask someone out; I feel more nervous about it so I get rejected again & the cycle gets worse. I'd need a different personality, a different kind of mind/smarts/intelligence & a different body for a woman to give me a chance; I need to be a completely different person


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16 Aug 2010, 12:57 pm

Taqman wrote:
>> 3. Unrealistic expectations


I wonder if this is more true for us aspie men who are/were gifted with some form of physical attractiveness in our youth.

In my case there have been quite a number of attractive women over the years who showed an initial superficial attraction to me, only to quickly loose interest when it was clear I was a little "off" in the personality department.

In high school I never had any success with girls, but on several occasions I overheard them talking about me. "He's cute but he just sits there in class like a statue."

When I got my first job at a supermarket at 16, I was hit on by the older women who I worked with and several of them straight out told me that when I grew up, I would have to "beat them off with a stick."

Well I never did "grow up".

My constant lack of success with females led to accusations from my family and acquaintances that I was a homosexual, as many of them could not image why I was having such difficulty.

I was never officially diagnosed with AS, and didn't even learn of this disorder until I was out of college.

I was very naive about the way the world worked, and thought that just because I had some measure of physical attractiveness, I would be able to get a physically attractive woman.



That's me!



The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Aug 2010, 1:56 pm

The title should be changed to "why aspie men fail in getting a gf" instead.

Reason:

1- lifestyle.



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16 Aug 2010, 4:27 pm

Awesome post, Malcontent -- I have nothing to add, that's how complete it was. :)



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16 Aug 2010, 7:47 pm

HopeGrows wrote:

I think some Aspie guys (maybe Aspie girls too, but my experience is with Aspie guys) don't understand the effort it takes to have a successful relationship...there's an awful lot of compromise involved. I see that simplified ideal kind of distilled into a single sentence: "I want to find someone who will accept me as I am." While finding someone that doesn't expect you to be someone you're not is key to any successful relationship (regardless of neurological status) - you have to be prepared to make changes to accommodate your partner (where change is possible, obviously).



What's the point? If you have to change yourself to make the relationship work, you're not being appreciated for who you are. It's better a person finds a partner they appreciate and love rather then someone they need to mold.



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17 Aug 2010, 1:37 am

Obsessing over women really puts them off.
No-one really enjoys being the object of someones obsession, its creepy. Even more so if you aren't interested in them or don't even like them as a friend.



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17 Aug 2010, 1:45 am

nick007 wrote:
I forgot to mention that Aspie interest could be a cause of rejection. Some women like guys because the guy has similar interest to them. We usually have obsessive interest & they tend to be on the geeky/dorky side. Women would rather date a guy who plays guitar than a guy who plays video-games; or guy who does repair work instead of a guy who repairs computers; or a guy who goes clubbing instead of a guy who goes to Renaissance fairs; or a guy who travels instead of a guy who goes to scifi conventions.


This goes for us Aspie girls too. Guys don't want to date a girl that games or goes to sci-fi conventions. None of the guys I know, anyway...they call me immature and stuff. There are some geeky/dorky girls out there--why don't you try and date them?



nick007
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17 Aug 2010, 2:25 am

Spyral wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I forgot to mention that Aspie interest could be a cause of rejection. Some women like guys because the guy has similar interest to them. We usually have obsessive interest & they tend to be on the geeky/dorky side. Women would rather date a guy who plays guitar than a guy who plays video-games; or guy who does repair work instead of a guy who repairs computers; or a guy who goes clubbing instead of a guy who goes to Renaissance fairs; or a guy who travels instead of a guy who goes to scifi conventions.


This goes for us Aspie girls too. Guys don't want to date a girl that games or goes to sci-fi conventions. None of the guys I know, anyway...they call me immature and stuff. There are some geeky/dorky girls out there--why don't you try and date them?


I find this extremely hard to believe. I know lots of guys who would love to find a geeky/dorky girl. Most guys who are into that stuff would be happy to have a girl who is & lots of other guys who aren't into it wouldn't mind dating a girl who is. It's mostly guys who are into that stuff thou & there's very few women to go around. The ratio of men to women totally sux. As singing comedian Rob Paravonian said~ "Out here in the real world the geek never gets the girl". I've been studding singing comedians lately. It is a very male dominated thing & most of those guys are extremely dorky/geeky & I noticed that lots of em have major problems finding women. Most of the ones who are in relationships are either very successful or they are kind of a-holes. It's very likely I won't be highly successful with jobs/careers(I'm on disability rite now & cant find a job) & I am not an a-hole so it seems very likely that I won't be able to find a woman My experience proves me rite so for :cry: I really wish we had arranged marriages


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Last edited by nick007 on 17 Aug 2010, 12:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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17 Aug 2010, 7:40 am

AutisticMalcontent wrote:
I don't know about you, but this certainly is applicable to myself. In the past, I have focused on physically attractive girls that almost ALL guys look at with desire or chase after. It is natural for guys to chase after such women, supposedly the psychological cause for this attraction and resulting pursuit is that men, subconsciously, are looking for a woman with the best physical traits to pass the best genes possible off to the next general. This is a Darwinist style thought, but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.



Apparently this all-or-nothing need for a physically attractive partner is a particularly pronounced feature of men who are love-shy, many of whom are Aspies, when in reality they're likely to have no chance of such a partner.



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17 Aug 2010, 10:19 am

nick007 wrote:
Spyral wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I forgot to mention that Aspie interest could be a cause of rejection. Some women like guys because the guy has similar interest to them. We usually have obsessive interest & they tend to be on the geeky/dorky side. Women would rather date a guy who plays guitar than a guy who plays video-games; or guy who does repair work instead of a guy who repairs computers; or a guy who goes clubbing instead of a guy who goes to Renaissance fairs; or a guy who travels instead of a guy who goes to scifi conventions.


This goes for us Aspie girls too. Guys don't want to date a girl that games or goes to sci-fi conventions. None of the guys I know, anyway...they call me immature and stuff. There are some geeky/dorky girls out there--why don't you try and date them?


I find this extremely hard to believe. I know lots of guys who would love to find a geeky/dorky girl. Most guys who are into that stuff would be happy to have a girl who is & lots of other guys who aren't into it wouldn't mind dating a girl who is. It's mostly guys who are into that stuff thou & there's very few women to go around. The ratio of men to women totally sux. As singing comedian Rob Paravonian said~ "Out here in the real world the geek never gets the girl". I've been studding singing comedians lately. It is a very male dominated thing & most of those guys are extremely dorky/geeky & I noticed that lots of em have major problems finding women. Most of the ones who are in relationships are either very successful or they are kind of a-holes. It's very likely I want be highly successful with jobs/careers(I'm on disability rite now & cant find a job) & I am not an a-hole so it seems very likely that I won't be able to find a woman My experience proves me rite so for :cry: I really wish we had arranged marriages


I dunno, I see plenty of geek guys and girls hooking up. I know that describes me and my wife, and we met back in the college years. I would suggest, however, that some geek girls are guilty of the same thing that geek guys are in the younger ages -- going for the most physically beautiful/handsome specimen vs. someone on their tier or with the same interests. I guess we all want the perfect 10 in looks for ourselves before we get some perspective, get real, and adjust our tastes to meet reality.



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17 Aug 2010, 10:52 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Spyral wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I forgot to mention that Aspie interest could be a cause of rejection. Some women like guys because the guy has similar interest to them. We usually have obsessive interest & they tend to be on the geeky/dorky side. Women would rather date a guy who plays guitar than a guy who plays video-games; or guy who does repair work instead of a guy who repairs computers; or a guy who goes clubbing instead of a guy who goes to Renaissance fairs; or a guy who travels instead of a guy who goes to scifi conventions.


This goes for us Aspie girls too. Guys don't want to date a girl that games or goes to sci-fi conventions. None of the guys I know, anyway...they call me immature and stuff. There are some geeky/dorky girls out there--why don't you try and date them?


I find this extremely hard to believe. I know lots of guys who would love to find a geeky/dorky girl. Most guys who are into that stuff would be happy to have a girl who is & lots of other guys who aren't into it wouldn't mind dating a girl who is. It's mostly guys who are into that stuff thou & there's very few women to go around. The ratio of men to women totally sux. As singing comedian Rob Paravonian said~ "Out here in the real world the geek never gets the girl". I've been studding singing comedians lately. It is a very male dominated thing & most of those guys are extremely dorky/geeky & I noticed that lots of em have major problems finding women. Most of the ones who are in relationships are either very successful or they are kind of a-holes. It's very likely I want be highly successful with jobs/careers(I'm on disability rite now & cant find a job) & I am not an a-hole so it seems very likely that I won't be able to find a woman My experience proves me rite so for :cry: I really wish we had arranged marriages


I dunno, I see plenty of geek guys and girls hooking up. I know that describes me and my wife, and we met back in the college years. I would suggest, however, that some geek girls are guilty of the same thing that geek guys are in the younger ages -- going for the most physically beautiful/handsome specimen vs. someone on their tier or with the same interests. I guess we all want the perfect 10 in looks for ourselves before we get some perspective, get real, and adjust our tastes to meet reality.


I think there's a lot more geeky guys than geeky girls but I do agree that lots of people want to date someone who's way out of their league instead of trying to find someone like them. Arranged marriages would make things a lot easier cuz people who are similar mite could get paired up & they would both be trying to make a relationship work. I like most anyone who's nice after a while & I think lots of women would like me if they gave me a chance but I end up being the girl-friend instead of getting the girl


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17 Aug 2010, 10:55 am

This is the understanding that I'm ultimately coming to: when your quote unquote 'eccentric' and are wired differently from most of society - whether on spectrum or otherwise - meeting someone half-way is no longer 50%. I've met enough people in the past where there was chemistry, they were very interested, they probably thought they were going half way as I did but it seemed like that gulf of difference made it 30% from both sided and left maybe a 40% gulf in-between; ultimately that was too big a gap for either of us to close.

The biggest challenge for aspies and NTs alike is finding someone who you can relate to well enough for them to be an energizing force in your life, without that you have too much conflict or need to both repress yourselves too much which will never work in the long run. This is why we need to just hold back, be patient, yes - date for the sake of getting ourselves comfortable and having a 'sense-of-self' staple in that arena but all the while realizing that it will be a rather rare individual who's right for us. That could mean we'll go a lot longer but have a much better relationship in the end than most people would who don't have to sort it out quite as much in the beginning, and, some of us will be single for life but will have to realize that we're much better off and can fulfill our existential needs much better that way than if we were in relationships where we had to bend and break ourselves to fit into someone else's box.



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17 Aug 2010, 12:33 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
I dunno, I see plenty of geek guys and girls hooking up. I know that describes me and my wife, and we met back in the college years. I would suggest, however, that some geek girls are guilty of the same thing that geek guys are in the younger ages -- going for the most physically beautiful/handsome specimen vs. someone on their tier or with the same interests. I guess we all want the perfect 10 in looks for ourselves before we get some perspective, get real, and adjust our tastes to meet reality.


I think that is the key problem. At my age now, most guys have grown out of this geeky phase or whatever and want a normal girl to settle down with. The only guys I meet that are into the stuff I am are way too young and they all want to hook up with the cute young girls. I feel like maybe I've missed the boat and am destined to be single. Which sucks because it's definitely a world built for couples.