How do you get over an obsessive attraction?

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billsmithglendale
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09 Dec 2010, 6:30 pm

Quote:

Also -- if you do hold a grudge (I tend to do this as well), if it makes you feel better and keeps you from bothering her, so be it. I would turn it around -- just ignore her as well. It's a non-threatening way to express your displeasure to the person. If they don't like you, they probably won't care, but you would be amazed how much power the silent treatment has in terms of making a person take some of their own medicine (if they are treating you shabbily).

Quote:

I thought about this, but am not sure I can do it. I consider myself a pretty compassionate guy, and am not sure I could keep it up for long. A part of me already begrudges the way she hurt me. Another - possibly larger - part of me doesn't, or would forgive her anyway...

Yes, it is hard, especially if you are someone who likes to get along and doesn't like a lot of drama. It takes a certain amount of cruelty -- but if you think she is being cruel to you, that might be enough motivation to enforce this. As it is, she is treating you pretty badly, almost like you are not a person. I say, return the favor.

Last edited by billsmithglendale on 10 Dec 2010, 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

RICKY5
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09 Dec 2010, 7:58 pm

LK wrote:

I rarely become attracted to anyone. I may occasionally think a person pointed out as attractive by someone else is not repulsive, but I almost never think someone is cute, sexy, hot, or any of those other things. However, when I am attracted to someone, it is always intense and I can not pinpoint exactly why I am attracted to them.

My current dilemma: At the beginning of this semester, I caught sight of a girl in my psych class as I was scanning the room for the first time. The infatuation was instant, and I haven't been able to shake it. For most of the semester we have sat next to each other, and we occasionally exchange a few words. She is frequently on my mind and I find when I am near her or when she talks to me I feel quite incredible. I would have nauseated myself this afternoon had I been able to observe from above as I jumped at the chance to clarify the professor’s instructions to her and save her from note paperlessness. To make matters worse/better (I haven't decided if it is better or worse yet) she and I are both in the same group, writing a paper together. Over the course of the class, I have found I at least agree with all of her views on psychology and social problems she has expressed in class, and she seems to be a passionate and nice person. A week or so ago, I decided I would be entirely too angry with myself if I didn't ask her out before the end of the class. This is the first time I have liked someone enough to think them worth the effort it would take to ask them out. Now, this probably would be less of a dilemma if not for one little problem- she's taken. I found that out shortly after deciding I would, in one way or another, ask her out. I thought “Oh well" and felt fine. That is, until the next time I saw her. I fear the level of interest I have in her is bordering on obsession, and I have even less interest in other people than I did before. It bothers me because my interest in her is becoming almost exactly like any of my other fascinations. The difference is that usually I can pin down why something interests me and use that as a way to ease myself out of being obsessed. With her, I can not even look at her without my mind going numb and having thoughts I never even thought I could have run through my head. I have a hard time keeping sane even when just thinking about her. I honestly can’t find anything I don’t like about her other than the fact that I can not have her. O_o I hate that my feelings for her are so extremely shallow yet intense at the same time.
I am hoping that I will forget about her over the summer, even though part of me hopes I will have to see her again for some reason.

-End Story/Problem

My question(s): Do you become obsessed with people in this way? If so, how to you get out of being obsessed?

It was very helpful for me that the first working girl I ever saw looked exactly like a girl who had rejected me in a bad way.

Biokinetica
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05 Jan 2011, 3:10 pm

...And I'm sure I saw her while walking to class. I haven't been able to get her out of my head for one day, and it's saddening, maddening, and even frightening, all at the same time. I don't even want to know this person anymore and wish she would just leave this university. She seems totally disinterested in the pain she caused. She disgusts me, eats away at my academics, and I fantasize about her ending up in some hack insurance company that gets busted by the SEC (she's on track to be an actuary).

I really thought I could keep a grudge from forming, but it has apparently happened, which is bad news for me. I don't want anything but my csc courses and video games in my head. But that just got real tough.

slashfrehley42
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06 Jan 2011, 10:34 am

Dude, I hear you. I had a really bad one a couple of years ago with an ex-classmate of mine. I had a crush on her in primary school (when we were ten or eleven), then when I was fifteen and we were reacquainted it flared up again. I think that, at risk of sounding like a misogynist, because I couldn't have her, I wanted her more. It got to the point that I went to a fair where I knew she'd be with my friends and dragged them around all day looking for her. When I realised that I had no chance, it hurt, but I got over it as time went by. About six months later, one of my friends was reciting this charming anecdote in a group, and she happened to be there. A lot of her friends are good friends with mine (it's a really small world... they work together), and this has led to a lot of tension and general bad vibes. The whole thing has just turned completely sour: to these people, I'm a creep and a sleaze who can't be trusted. To use an overused euphemism, a lot of bridges were burned before I had the chance to cross them.

I've learned from this to calm down when I fall for a girl, to assess the situation and act accordingly. I don't think that, short of everything coming together perfectly or the altogether more likely outcome of her rejecting you, there is any way to get over the obsessive attraction. You just have to let it die, or help it along the way through any of the above suggestions. I often play my guitar, learning difficult songs (Van Halen in particular), as a means of distracting myself from life's necessary pains.

Biokinetica
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06 Jan 2011, 3:24 pm

The thing I'm annoyed by is the fact that I did assess the situation - painstakingly. I observed her for weeks, and my data was solid. I even asked my professor what he thought of her. Everything should've gone fine (although the underaged drinking thing introduced a few unwanted variables).

Last edited by Biokinetica on 07 Jan 2011, 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

slashfrehley42
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07 Jan 2011, 8:11 am

Biokinetica wrote:

The thing I'm annoyed by is the fact that I did assess the situation - painstakingly. I observed her for weeks, and my data was solid. I even asked my professor what he thought of he. Everything should've gone fine (although the underaged drinking thing introduced a few unwanted variables).

I've got nothing, then. I suppose there's no fail-safe way to approach this.

Rennsport99
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10 Jun 2012, 6:06 pm

I'm in a similar situation. My gf and I are both aspies. She is at the other end of the country for a little over a week. I miss her so dearly. I have a feeling that I am obsessing over her. Just trying to get through this week by keeping busy, so I won't get bored and obsess.

Zinia
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10 Jun 2012, 6:44 pm

Grisha wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

when i was young and dumb [NOT calling young people dumb] i used to put pretty folk and social butterflies up on a pedestal. but as i grew older, i discovered a key thing which put everything into its proper perspective- everybody has to wipe their keister at least once per day. so i thought to myself, "self- why should I go all gaga over somebody else who also has to wipe their butt? i mean, how gross!" IOW, aside from being pretty and polished, other folk are just flesh and blood [that gets stinky if not often washed] and not perfect alabaster demigods as what i had previously thought. i hope this made sense.

Yeah thats a good one. Also do a disgusting vile fart and imagine that the hot girl you like did it. Gross.

Well, yeah, that would probably help...but what really helps me is the basic principal behind this exercise, namely that you are not obsessed with "her" per se but actually your internal fantasy about who she is, she is just a tangible symbol - you are in "love" with a figment of your own imagination.

It's easy to stop obsessing about something when you realize it doesn't actually exist...

Yeah, I agree with these ideas--except you don't have to absolutely demean someone to get them off a pedestal (in fact that's probably a really bad habit to get into).

Remember that you are obsessing, as Grisha said, over a figment of your own imagination.

Remember that the real girl is actually human.

Like you, she has faults. Like you, there are boring qualities about her. Like you, she makes mistakes.

And so maybe you've got this problem with obsessing over people, but she has some other problem that you don't know about--so just don't feel bad about who you are, and remember that you don't know who she is or what her flaws are. You're obsessing over an image.

Zinia
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10 Jun 2012, 6:46 pm

Wow--I just noticed this thread was bumped from January--I don't have any suggestions for obsessing over a gf who's on the other side of the country. Maybe just be happy you have someone who loves you and is coming back to you?

mattc
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10 Jun 2012, 7:04 pm

I'm a grown man and I developed a major crush/obsession at this place I was volunteering at. It was unbelievable the effect it had on me, I couldn't eat, sleep or think straight for months, I don't even remember anything like it from my teenage years. The only thing that removed her from my mind was simply not seeing her there anymore, I moved on from there to go to college and it took around 2 months after that to stop thinking about her 24/7.

Uri
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11 Jun 2012, 7:56 pm

I found these links quite helpful:

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Someone ... sess-Over'

http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.c ... r-him.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sch ... -obsessing

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Stop-O ... id=6111045

http://www.girlschase.com/content/cant- ... ore-girls#

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Rejection

http://www.ehow.com/how_2054274_deal-un ... -love.html

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