What Happens With Your Romantic Obsessions?

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Thanks for all the replies, particularly jagatai and zara!

"That person is a douche."

ummm......wow, this is sort of depressing....if you have an obsession and there is some reciprocal interest, how long did it take you to lose interest once the woman became interested?


Also, in what way is the obsession misleading, or how does it lead you to become misled?

(I'm an NT. I find that there is frequently NO basis in reality for my crushes. In fact the only thing I'm hearing that is any different is that my crushes end in a few months, not years, although that may be because I'm older, not because I'm an NT.)

My tendency to lose interest in a woman the moment she seems to express an interest in me kicks in almost imediately when I start to suspect she is interested. It's not a sudden cut off of interest on my part. Rather, it's more of a growing dissatisfaction. At first I get a bit excited that things could work out, but then I start to see a fault here, a flaw there. Over the course of a week or a month, (possibly depending upon how long the crush has lasted at that point) I reach a point where I am not terribly obsessed. I usually still have a lingering attraction, but nothing that I spend much time thinking about.

The obsession is misleading for me in that it was never really much based on reality to begin with. I would guess that the reason for the long obsessive crushes is that I find it very hard to get to know people on any level. I am not good at making the leap from acquaintance to friend - I just don't quite know what you do to get there. But wanting closeness and intimacy, I fixate on women and hope somehow the relationship just magically happens.

But that said, I have been lucky in that I have never ended up in a manipulative or abusive relationship. With a few small exceptions, all the women I have fixated on in my life are women that I would still be happy to call friends. I suppose I would not have become fixated on them if they had been awful people.

As I've gotten older, and gotten a tiny bit more mature, the length of my obsessions has reduced a bit. Not much however. At 45 I'm still capable of obsessing for years. I think what has changed is that I do not become as obsessed. I have a more realistic view of the situation. I know that I am unlikely to take any real action and I am more inclined to let the obession become more of a pleasant day dream that I do not take too seriously.

Some Aspies seem to do adequately well in relationships but have greater problems in other areas. They might have trouble dealing with work issues, for example. I have little trouble dealing with work but have a huge problem in dealing with relationships. Nobody gets everything in life. I consider myself lucky that I can support myself and I have a few good friends. Of course I would like more, but I recognize that I have enough.

Lars

I guess I meant that the "guy" would realize just how puppydog-idealized-trusting and GULLIBLE I was and take advantage of it... as in cheat... and then lie about it.

I'm sure some apsies/auties just get lead on from the get go... Cause it's ego-boosting to have someone fawning over you. So perhaps even if a relationship doesn't formally occur... the obsessed person can easily be misled... or mislead themselves by reading too much into things.

I'm not sure what you meant. The woman never became interested in my cases. Well not in the same way.
If someone was to get obsessed about someone and then have to suffer such silly abuses from said interest just for the chance of something... That's just silly. It tells more more about how cruel the other person is and how unworthy they are of such obsession. They're a douche. They're just using the obsessed person for their own gain. If they really had no interest in the obsessed person, it would be ethical to just outright reject that obsessed person and end it instead of dragging it out.

Obsession can be misleading in that it does narrow your own viewpoint and blocks out anything that would normally be considered undesirable, any red flags or such. Obsessed folk can be taken advantage of too and Sedaka explained that.

Though I'm not diagnosed AS, and if I am, it's a weak form of AS that afflicts me, I definitely can chime in RE: romantic obsessions. Really, I'm wondering if that's even something AS-particular, or if it just gets that much worse for AS vs. NT -- In the NT world, they're called "crushes."

For me, they started around the time I turned 10, with the onset of puberty -- Usually it was me obsessing about a very pretty girl, nonstop, thinking about her all the time (ruminating), thinking about talking to her, etc. Poor little old me back then, I actually thought I had a chance, and did chat her up quite a bit, but she was way too pretty for me at that age, and there were plenty of better candidates who were already on her wavelength. So this was one of the first humbling romantic experiences.

A few years later, when I had taken some hard knocks from life and my self-esteem was in the gutter, age 14, I did once again develop a huge crush, this time on a girl that looked like me. What was weird was that I didn't even want to like her like that, and years earlier, when someone suggested we should like eachother (because of the stupid reason that we looked similar), I wasn't interested. Bang, I have a couple of classes with her, next thing I know, I'm obsessing, know everything about her, am mildly stalking her, but this time, didn't make my feelings known or come on strong. If anything, I played it cool, but I didn't think she would ever want me (or that anyone would, I was so fugly at that age), and she already had a BF.

Fast-forward through the many years since, same pattern, even until now (and I'm long since happily married) -- I see someone, pretty or not (if not, then something about them by my standards is interesting), become obsessed, get far too into them, and end up disappointed 95% of the time.

Yes, once in a while the obsession, if it hasn't gotten to the extreme point yet, works out, but I think this is the real answer why --

If you have to obsess about someone you like, because they don't know about it or aren't interested, the relationship is probably not going to happen. I know that's a bold and painful statement (believe me, I know how hard it is to get those people out of your head, you never really get them all the way out, but it's more for your own good.

If someone is ever going to like you or have a relationship with you, you won't have to spend all of this passive time worshiping them. You will either make it happen, because they are interested and pick up on your interest (and are on the same channel as you), or you won't -- becoming an expert and thinking about all of the wonderful things you could say to that person, etc., just will never get you to that point.

Look at it this way -- the perfect person for you will know it. If they don't, then they aren't, by definition, the perfect person for you, or vice versa. And something like 99% of the women you meet, even in a romantic context, aren't going to be interested. Nothing personal, it's just nature.

On the positive side, I did have some good relationships with great people, some of whom I probably would have obsessed about had they not been interested and immediately brought me into their lives.

Life is short -- don't obsess, find people who love you back. The obsessing/studying/trying harder thing just doesn't work on someone who isn't interested and never will be -- save that attention and love for the deserving.

Got a question, BillSmith...

So if you obsessed about people, why didn't you leave your wife for them?

(That's why I'm asking. My bf of five years is "dating" someone that makes fun of his AS characteristics--she kept him around as a hanger-on for years and literally used him for yardwork.)

The only bright spot is, he started talking to me again and asking me out--so he could talk about how she puts him down for being in his own little world sometimes.

What kept you from leaving your wife for someone like that?

They last a while before I realize how pointless and one-sided they are, then get depressed as they slowly die out.

I have had several of these... (always online relationships)

When they're one-sided, on my end: Paranoia, insanity, hospitalizations... plots like some dark comedy.
Mutual: Both of us sabotaging each other's real life relationships over an extended period of time, making big plans to meet each other that don't work out, her calling me in the middle of the night. Not exactly good but not insanity, paranoia, either. Making obvious attempts to keep each other around in our lives even as we lose touch with everyone else we both knew in the first place...
One sided, on her end: Paranoia, insanity, jealously. Plots that sound like the intro to a creepy horror movie about a crazed female killer.

I used to have them all the time when I was a virgin. Had one in high school for two years. Another one for 8 months. One in college for two years. They just suck to have.

Ever since I went the rental girl route, I almost never get them except for this one girl at work but I wound up hiring a rental who looked like her and it went right away!

You simply have to see dating and the fog of lies surrounding it for what they are. Pedestaling anthing is bad.

Hi poppyx,

It's a great question, and a point that needs clarification --

I have the capability (as do many people, I'm sure) to love more than one person at once. Love might even be too strong a word -- maybe you only truly love one person in the sense that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, but can feel these really strong attractions to other people, in a different way.

Such is the case with me and my wife -- she's the perfect person for me, perfect match on personality, looks, lifestyle, and dedication. The thing is, we can be attracted to different kinds of looks, and in her case, she fits one of the looks I really like, but there is another look that I never got resolved in my past relationships.

Basically, I have a big thing for east Asian women, specifically from China/Taiwan/Hong Kong, Korea, and a little bit from Japan. All of my few relationships before and since my wife (I had one affair, for which I was forgiven) have been with women who were either from these areas or traced their lineage back to here, and all ended badly for one reason or another. So a part of me has this unresolved issue about this fetish, and wanting to work through it.

Case in point -- shortly before marrying my wife, I had a chance to go the other way -- both she and a woman who fit my exact fetish were competing for my attention. With my now wife, I knew that long-term, she was the best choice and that I could never let her go or end up with someone else. With the other woman, who embodied in many ways what I liked (but was born in this country and had multiple generations born here as well, making her a "banana", yellow on the outside, but completely culturally compatible on the inside, i.e. Caucasian, which is what I am), I knew that long term, it would not work out, but we had this passionate love for eachother that never got a chance to burn properly and run its course.

So I've been working through these issues, and I do spot people who I would have wanted to date, had I not found the perfect person for me. It's a greedy mindset, but I am a very sexual person and didn't get to really properly sow my oats before settling down. Not everyone has this problem or is as focused on the physical experience/variety part of relationships, but I am, so those are my issues.

I tend to lose all romantic interest if I feel I am merely being used. I may retain friendly or sexual interests though, both of which can be used to continue using and abusing me pretty easily. The latter, however, would be basically killed by a genuine romantic interest. If I haven't noticed that I'm being used, anyone I trust can point it out to me and I may start to notice, if I feel there is anything to notice....

So, what's a polite way to point out to an aspie that they're being used?

(She even gives him a hard time about "being in his whatever land." Basically, she's being mean just because of his introversion, not his AS.)

I live in my own little NT introverted world, and I'm damn happy there.

You keep coming back to this point in multiple threads and get the same advice... Perhaps you have yourself an obsession.

You have to let him live his life.

Although I wouldn't rule out being obsessed.

The problem, if you'll pardon my saying so, is that aspies (mine particularly) are so convincing, that he spent years convincing me of "his point of view", which is that I'm wrong about virtually everything.

I'm really enjoying the validation. It's the first I've gotten in a long, long time.

Err, usually it's a close male friend that comes to me and just tells me straight up what he thinks is going on. One of my friends in particular is good at this, but I can think of several I would seriously lend my ear to if they brought up such a matter. I've never had a female friend do this, nor a female love interest, and I admit I would be slightly put off if I perceived it too much as being manipulated by this girl that wanted me when I felt I already had someone better for me.

Still though, my good friends, if this is at least what the two of you are to one another, generally have my trust, and I would put such a worry aside to look at the issue rationally if, say, an old friend I used to date told me a chick was using me and doing me no good. That being said, I have a tendency to put any ex I remain friends with on a slight pedestal compared to other friends. I tend to consider us better friends than we really are, and usually feel that if the girl in question gives me advice, I should really pay attention to it because it's meant genuinely, and is coming from someone smart enough for me to have fallen in love with. xP

Since I don't know how many others share these biases about exes, I really can't guarantee that the best approach for someone to take to me would apply here, but, if it were me you were talking to, you'd have the best luck talking pretty directly to me about what you think the girl I'm dating is doing to me. You ought not bring up romantic notions at ALL if you could avoid it at least until I'm clearly agreeing with you though. If I didn't agree with you about the notion that I'm being used/abused, and you started to suggest romantic notions between us while I was involved with someone else I genuinely liked, I would be VERY bothered. Not sure whether I'd be more generally stressed & confused about the situation or irritated directly at you though. That's probably a coin toss. >.>

What I've noticed about "Aspie obsessions" is that they're actually MORE realistic than the so-called "NT" ones... maybe that's more a trait of hyperlexia than asperger's syndrome though, but anyone who "suffers" from Hyperlexia is on the autism spectrum as well.

One thing I've always noticed, about me and others I know/suspect have asperger's or at least some traits, is that we tend to place ourselves in the roles in fantasy, instead of actually idolizing the heroes in the books.

The problem with things being more realistic is that these obsessions are semi-realistic. We can't convince ourselves that they're not possible.

Or at least I couldn't... I tried to, but I didn't listen to me.