Accused of teasing men

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I've often been told that I approach sex like a man, but I'm not really interested in sex. However, I don't have a sex-emotion connect circuit. Sex and love/emotion/affection/etc. are pretty much completely divorced in my head so I can use sex as a tool -- that is to say, a means to please someone I care for, a means to attempt to get pregnant, whatever. It's like giving a backrub. I don't really get anything out of giving a backrub and I certainly don't crave giving a backrub. But if I like someone and their back is sore, I'll rub it for them. That's what sex is like for me. Like giving someone a backrub.

I guess that's pretty neutral an approach, and not really what I'm talking about as you don't have a craving for it. I'm talking about women who actually do seem to crave sex as much as men do. Though hearing about people such as you is still interesting, since it's another data point if you will.

And actually I'm not so sure I have no sex-emotion connect circuit at all, it almost seems that I have two kinds of sexual moods, if you can grasp that. One can either be connected with no emotion at all, or with passionate romantic type feelings. The other can be associated with emotional intimacy, but with me that's more likely to amount to friendship than what most people think of as a relationship. And it seems depending on the girl and my mood, I feel one way or the other. Though keep in mind this is in the moment of wanting the sex, and I do not know yet how I feel afterward.

Last edited by biostructure on 27 Jun 2010, 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Who ever said men are not hormonal totally missed the mark.

Libido is caused by hormones. Testosterone causes a high and fairly constant libido, which women don't have.

As the previous poster mentioned, women's libidos are cyclical. It generally peaks around the time of ovulation. So if a woman did happen to approach you for sex because she actually just wanted it, I'd be mighty suspicious that she is acting under the influence of fertility.

But this also means that you have far greater chances with her if you approach her at the right time of the month. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences if she does get pregnant.

I would have to deal with that.

Seriously, sometimes I feel that the best woman for me at this point would be one who has so little estrogen/so much testosterone that she never starts ovulating, which would kind of kill 2 birds with one stone, as I wouldn't need to worry about pregnancy, and would make her into a kind of pseudo-gay guy with matching sexuality. It might require a rare mutation of some kind, as well as a way for that to not turn her physically into a male. Though seeing the immense variety of human variability out there, I'm still hoping to find my needle in a haystack. And in fact the women I've conversed with who seem to feel sexually like men actually don't seem to really be that much more masculine than the average woman, in many ways. Which actually is kind of good, because there are many parts about typical femininity that I do like, it's just the low sex drive is not part of it.

Funny I'm the opposite way and have had the opposite attitudes. I've never been open to hugging or kissing. I'm even uncomfortable shaking hands no matter how nice I try to be. I've had many men and even women interpret this as me being total b***h or as*hole. I guess there's so much to social etiquette most of us are unaware of. I've actually had to be taught in my job as a waitres in how to say high, hello, and how are you? I was told that I sounded angry when I used my normal voice. It took me a long time to realize that women actually raise the pitch of their voice when being friendly. I had no idea and the etiquette of eye contact and facial expressions.

Anyhow I don't know where you live. I hear in some European and even eastern societies, it is the norm for both men and women to greet each other with a peck to a cheeck and a hug. Heck in India many men hold each other's hands like couples in public.

After seeing some posts about how some men will become ugly to a woman after she spurns his advances, at that point he just needs to take the hint that she doesn't want to have sex.

I'm rather pissed at these men, it would be nice if more women had this attitude.

But I can see why many don't.

It's a miscommunication issue I think. Lonely men in particular gets their hopes up too easily, and because friendly women are rare almost anything can raise the hopes if the intent isn't crystal clear.

Ah, herein may lie the problem. Many men suck at catching a woman's hint.

A man has two brains, the primary one resides in his penis, the secondary brain is in his head. If the man does not know whether or not the woman is hinting then the primary penis brain will override the secondary head brain and assume that she is interested. That's a defect of the penis brain, the penis is still a penis which means that if it sees a woman it finds attractive then it will act like a penis without thinking about it first. This is why it is of utmost importance to make sure that the man gets your hints either way you are hinting. Sometimes you may be hinting that you like him, sometimes you may be hinting that you only like him as a friend, but if he isn't 100% sure about the meaning of the hint then by default his penis brain will assume that you are interested and become irritated if his advances are spurned. Penises can be c**ts like that.

I understand your thoughts on the male type of mind and women on the spectrum, but my impression is that the model of male thinking has to do with a type of reasoning (upon input of data) rather than sex drive, which is largely physical and a desire rather than a method of logic. So even if our thinking minds and ways of dealing with emotions are similar, our physical experience of sex will necessarily be different which will influence our desire and how often and to whom we say yes. So, I don't think it's necessarily emotional, we just have different things to consider, logically. And in terms of being more thinking than feeling, I think that does lend a maleness to sex for the aspie woman. For example, I think the way I'm wired has surprised men in the past when I've not been interested in cuddling or talking the next day, or even talking about how I feel about them after having had sex. It does make for some good fun and I think that kind of thinking is why some aspie women seem to get along very well with men.

And I think guys do worry about getting a girl pregnant, it's just that there are the cowardly ones who run away who make the girl have to consider the risk she's taking. I've thought before, ok, what if this guy got me pregnant, do I really want to have to deal with him for at least the next 18 years...? It's just another one of the many things running through a woman's mind, aspie or NT.

Got me in social troubles in school, while I just wanted to be friends, and thought they wanted that too...

The accusers are rights.

You are too nice.

When I'm rude to men in real life, it's because of fear. In some situations in this day and age, women can't be nice to men without taking a risk. Being nice can lead to rape.

Men who complain about womens behaviour don't seem to realise, they are often stronger than women and that coupled with such a misunderstanding can lead to a lot of fear (on a womans part). Fear doesn't make a woman want to have sex (generally).

Why is it not a fair comparison? I feel it's exactly the same. A woman who is interested in being a friend with a guy has no more responsibility to have sex with them than they would with a lesbian friend. The man wanting sex doesn't have to interact with a woman who isn't interested if he's not interested in just friendship.

Oh, and about your reasoning for a guy to grope a woman, I view it to be insulting. If the woman says, 'I need this' to a man who also needs this it's fine (a mutual agreement). When a man does this without the woman agreeing to it, it is wrong.

Yes, I think there are three things, one being the physical drive for sex, another one being the level of attraction in general, and a third being the logic/rational considerations that go into it. I actually sometimes think my physical drive is not all that high, at least compared to most young guys--it's more that my tendency toward attraction is turned most of the way up a lot of the time, and I don't see much logical reason to fear physical contact with women.



I wouldn't say being sure one doesn't want kids is cowardly, I'd say it's just making a decision. I have seriously considered whether I should get a vasectomy (once I start becoming sexually active) for this very reason, though the thought that sometime way in the future I might want kids discourages me from that option.

And the point of the parenthetical statement is that one should not assume that any sexual touch must include actual sex. There are ways to express such feelings when one wants to avoid pregnancy. Because I don't want to be stuck with some woman for the next 18 years either.

I agree - I don't think it's cowardly not to want kids. I don't and it's not really that easy, as a woman to constantly have to deal with people I barely know asking me when I'm going to have them or why I don't. I think it takes a little patience, and in some cases bravery, to be resolute in your stance if you don't want them. The cowardice comes in when the guy gets the girl pregnant, finds out, then splits. That's what I meant.

Both parties are somewhat in the wrong here. It is wrong to blame the guy for hoping, because it ultimately comes down to the woman's choice as to whether he can ever get any. The guy is not in the wrong to hit on her the first time, however, if she shoots him down then he is in the wrong if he knows her intentions and harasses further. You can check, but no means no.

That would be ridiculous. With the future problems the the world overpopulation will cause anyone who doesn't have kids should be considered a hero.

You know, vasectomies can be reversed these days. Just saying.

Wow man. That is sad. Sad and self-inflicted.
You remind me so much of my younger self. Needy and desperate to be loved. It was only when I began to work on myself and care about myself that I began to enjoy my life. What you are doing now isn't working. Don't you think it is time to change?


If you ever want to be free the doorway is only a mouseclick away...

I used to check out books at a university library and I'd make small talk with students about the books they were checking out (if they weren't sensitive topics) like if someone had a stack of books on Greece I'd smile and ask if they were going to Greece etc. because I was in customer service and I enjoyed the social contact from behind the safety of my big checkout desk.

I didn't realize that there are some incredibly lonely people out there. I might have represented the only person being nice to them and talking to them that whole day (or even longer). I didn't touch them at all but now I can see how that kind of banter might get a lonely guy's hopes up.

I got asked out quit a bit which I wasn't interested in at the time...and after awhile I had a few actual stalkers...one got pretty scary, especially after I confronted him. He got really angry, made me feel like it was all my fault for "leading him on" even though I quite honestly had no idea who he was. Needless to say, I quit making small talk with patrons or showing any interest in them or what they were reading.

I'm sure this same exact thing happens to baristas, waiters, and bar tenders.