Most Aspie men are in over their heads with dating.

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Comments like this really aggravate me.

Just because you can do these things, doesn't mean everyone with AS can.

On this site we have people that range from never having a job and living in group homes to people being married and making over $100k/year.

I don't think autism is a spectrum, as it implies some sort of continuom.

Rather I think its more like a bowling frame.

When some people are hit with autism its like a strike and they are low functioning, while other high functioning individuals have different combination of pins remaining up.

I'm perfectly fine with being single. I'm also fine with hiding certain aspects of my life to get what I want (occasional company and physical intimacy) and just displaying myself as the awkward white guy instead of someone with a disability.

I'm just saying for others on here to be realistic. It is a lot more complex for Aspie men than to just practice talking to women. As someone else put it in another thread...for NT men that grew up just not knowing much about women or dating...it's simply a matter of learning and applying knowledge. For an Aspie...you can know the rules all you want, but applying them is a different story. If you don't have the makeup, you don't have the makeup. NT men have it deep inside of them, some of them just weren't exposed to that aspect of the world until a later age.

I don't think those people really have Aspergers. They're just awkward/weird/outcast/not good with socializing, but have the NT skills necessary to survive.

I was in advanced classes in high school and have an Associate's Degree, but I'll likely never have a job, and if I do, it will be 10-15 hours a week filling up bookshelves at Barnes and Noble. I don't have the attention span or coping skills or common sense necessary for most jobs regardless of difficulty level.

I think the Aspies that say "Oh I'm happily married and I have a 6 figure job" are just weirdos that are mislabelled as autistic.

Well I'm not there primarily because I am hell-bent on finishing my PhD and have time for little else, but that situation is certainly a *possibility* for me in the next 5-10 years if the cards play the right way.

I am sure that I have a form of autism. If you could see the way I flap my hands when I get into an excited phase you would believe it too.

Well, I'm sorry you were aggravated. My intentions were to provide encouragement.

You know what? You are right. Aspergers should properly be defined as anyone who believes they have Aspergers. If you believe the crap that psychiatrists and society tells you, then you really are screwed over for life. You will never be happily married or successful.

My social skills are weak. If I was ever dumb enough to let a psychiatrist diagnose me, I would undoubtedly be diagnosed with Aspergers. But that will never happen. And you know what? I am married and successful. I refused to play by society's rules. I did it my way.

Last edited by fs on 23 Aug 2010, 6:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wasn't diagnosed until 23...before then I was on suicide watch. All the diagnosis did for me was make me realize that there was a reason for the madness.

Isn't this a bit defeatist?

If you aren't happy with the person you are no-one else ever will be, sorry.

If you are ashamed of what you do if its against the norm, if you care about not having a partner, if you feel like a lesser person because you don't have one - you WILL be a lesser person. Your constant negative energy will manifest into something that actually exists.

Yes Toad, I'm talking to you. You are bringing it on yourself. Your turning your negative thoughts into self fullfilled prophecy.

I might have a lot of problems but i'm not ashamed, uncomfortable or unhappy to be someone who blobs out in front of a computer all day, likes her own company and loves to sleep. I'm not worried if men I hardly know don't want to date me. I really couldn't give a crap, and I couldn't be happier single.

The only time I get down on the love thing is when someone I love deeply and know well and have a connection with doesn't work.

-"Your favourite thread returns this autumn. Read the rerun on Wrong Planet"

ok, im offended =P i guess i would fall into that "conventionally unattractive" category since i am plump and squishie. there are millions of us inferior "conventionally unattractive" homebodies the world over that are in romantic relationships. what do you think it is that we know that you dont?

the emotional influences the physical. any idea what that means? it means that our positive emotions towards someone makes them attractive to us. when you love someone, it makes you want to spend time with them, including physical time.

you cant, as a non-social person, go to social places and expect to find someone who is going to "fit" you. but you can go to meet people at places where the not socially wired person who shares your interests is likely to be. places like the library, special interest clubs, online sites, conventions, etc. a homebody going to the bar and then moaning because they cant find a mate is just asking to be mocked.

i would advise you to really reflect on what the word attractive means. it does not mean good looking. it has to do with the forces between two objects, or in this case, people. that includes so much more than outward appearance. it includes values, beliefs, personality, voice, intelligence, and interests to name a few. heck, tom welling (the clark kent/superman of smallville whom i absolutely ADORE) could show up on my doorstep and if he were to open his mouth and spout bible scripture, he'd be about as attractive as a troll to atheistic me.

i would also advise you to reflect not on what you find attractive, but what women are going to find attractive in you, what you WANT a woman to find attractive in you, and making sure those parts of you really show. do some real research and find out what women look at upon a first meeting, what we notice. for an autistic, this can be a whammy because one of the biggies for us non-autistic women is eyes and eye contact.

keep in mind that most women are not turned on by a guy who is all about physical appearance, or if he puts physical appearance above personality, intelligence, etc. for a lot of us, that is a very unattractive trait in any person.

Look men,

This is something I have always suspected, and now there are studies to back this up so I shall be blunt.

Women do most of the work in a relationship. They spearhead most of the communication efforts. They more often factor their partner into their decisions. They are more attentive to their partners (ok obviously we are talking NT women, but bare with me) and they pretty much do this instinctively without demanding their partner do the same.

ALL you men have to do is make the first move. You walk up and introduce yourself. You don't need to have an entire conversation prepared in your mind because women automatically know that when a man walks up, introduces himself, and makes a clumsy, desperate attempt at a conversation that doesn't work, he is interested in her. If she is interested in you, she will help you carry that conversation.

If she isn't interested in you, she won't.

It IS that simple. You would all like to believe that it isn't, because YOU ARE AFRAID. That's understandable. You want her to come up and introduce herself because you fear getting rejected. But most of the time, she's not going to do that. That's not her job. Her job is to do everything else.

Once you are in a relationship, it's fine for you men to be somewhat socially dumb. It's fine to be somewhat unattentive. That's how most men are. Look how many women come on here and say they think their boyfriend or husbands have AS. How many men do you see coming here saying they think their girlfriend or wife has AS?

Hardly any, because most NT men won't go for a woman with AS, and if they did, they are probably unattentive enough to notice she has AS.

So you need to relax a little and stop worrying about your social skills. What you really just need to worry about is being a pushover, being clingy, or being too unattentive.

To do this, you simply need to take an analytical approach to the situation to analyze how your partner might be feeling, what her needs might be, and whether a situation warrants something like you driving 6 hours in the middle of the night to take her somewhere at a minutes notice.
And you need to not be afraid to let her know when you have needs.

Other than that, most women are forgiving of lacking social skills with men.

I agree with virtually everything else you said, however, the reason many more women think their boyfriend/husband has AS, is because AS is far more common in men.

I also feel that men & women are not as different as everyone else here seems to imply they are.

It is more common in men, but men are closer to it anyway.

Look how many mothers come on here and think their children have AS, as opposed to fathers, who we rarely hear from.

You're wrong. A woman can be initially attracted to you, but turned off by the AS behavior. Like I said, there are exceptions...women that have Florence NIghtengale syndrome (where nurses fall in love with their patients)...women that like awkward or nerdy men...or women that are just non-judgmental in general.

Getting a woman isn't the hard part. Keeping her is.

Who's wrong about what?