friends then lovers then he shut down completely

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Well, it sounds like you enjoy a challenge

As regards the quote above... I've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, and have responded the same way.... sounds like he might be dealing badly with outbursts of emotion and recriminations from you.
Maybe he was "just going through the motions" when he said/replied to you back then... and maybe he felt more than he's saying now, and he really did mean it... but I'm guessing your recriminations overloaded him and he shut down for a while.

If he was the lying cheat that people here are saying he is... why would he shut you out like this? Sounds like a genuine reaction to me, albeit one that isn't good for you.

Maybe he takes things too seriously in a way? Like when you ask for what looks to be commitment, he overthinks it and thinks to himself "well, what DO I want in 20 years time?" rather than going with how he feels now? I know I've been guilty of this in the past, and "The Talk" from a girl just freaks the hell out of me, because it seems to involve so much emotion and commitment and so on ...

Hope this helps

So, you'll be his platonic buddy and when the roulette wheel lands on "erection", you'll be there for him to penetrate....that's not fair to you...and what's this about him losing his first friend...he's has Mr. Video Games, doesn't he? or does he? He rushed off to supposedly to go play video games? WTF? Is he ten years old?? If you want to nurture someone, get married, and raise a child with a mature man. There are men who really DO want to get married. Maybe shoot for an older guy...say about 30...but a nice guy. I heard a co-worker once say that his male friends were for hanging out together and his (platonic) female friends were for sex. I hated him from that day on...because he even had a wife!! How dare he!!

quote] There is a quote that says something like "If a man loves you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't love you, nothing can make him stay." I agree this is true for NTs and I guess it's true for him (seems obvious, sadly) but I'm not so certain it's true for Aspies in general.
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This is 100% true, I was thinking the exact same thing. Once a guy breaks up with you for any reason other than abuse or neglect, there's almost no chance they'll come back. They've made their decision.

How? They don't handle it, either they get couples counseling to solve that problem or find out why the topics being brought up causes such drama, end the relationship, or keep it bottled up for good.

Look, i'm glad you're starting to come to terms with the fact that relationship is over. But normally ex's don't hang out with each other, and friends definitely don't give massages and "touch" man parts unless they are FWB like he said.

You shouldn't keep dwelling with this guy, he doesn't owe an apology for blocking you. People don't communicate or hang out with each other after breaking up. You are now simply submitting to dealing with things on his own terms to keep contact by dumbing yourself down to being in a FWB. You care for him WAY more than he does you. Thats what it means when you love someone and they implicitly state (not imply, he said this) that they don't love you back.

You need to distance yourself from him and let go, for peace of mind. Because what is going to happen is you'll be ok with hanging out for a while, want to go back to the way things were and then get rejected and hurt once again.

1> suggest you consider that he might be concerned his AS diagnosis means he can't have a proper marital type relationship - some shrinks and parents will screw with your head when you have a 'disability' associated with you. Propose this question to him, in text and simply - with no emotional words or tangents or anything - this one single question:

Why do you not wish to enter a relationship. I need to know the truth.

Simple bland questions are sometimes the best way to get a reply.

If he doesnt anser within 2 weeks, forget it. He's too much stress.
but i'm single!

So...I saw him Sunday for a few hours. He texted me Monday night to say HI and tell me something about his day. It's Thursday now and he hasn't replied to a few emails/texts I sent him about some logistical stuff. This is not unusual even during our best of times although it bugs the hell outta me and I think it's very rude and annoying to not be acknowledged with a response.

Anyway, I have been offered an opportunity to leave home and go across country for 90 days to a culinary training program for FREE. I'm not working, nothing else to do, so I want to go.

I will be deciding today or tomorrow if I go. Since he is not making more of an effort to communicate with me, my assumption is that he likely won't contact me before my flight leaves. I want to refrain from calling him and saying "oh, btw, i'm leaving in a few days for 90 days." I just want to leave and see how long it takes him to call me and then I'll say, "oh, btw, i'm living back east until xmas."

Back in Jan-April, if we were apart for more than 7 days, he would be very anxious/needy but now he doesn't really need or want me anymore so I guess it's okay if I leave without telling him, right?

That would cement the "end" of the relationship in my mind and seems like something I need to do for me.

Advice/comments? Thanks.

I guess I don't understand why you want to give your power away to him. The relationship is not what it was, and it's not what you want it to be. Why wait for him to notice you're gone to signal the end of the relationship? Why not just make the decision? You don't have to tell him or confront him or cause drama - or do anything that will stop you from leaving (because that training sounds like an absolute blessing). Just make up your mind that it's over. It's tragic that it worked out the way it did, cause I realize how much you cared for him. But there is a guy out there who will cherish you - I hope you put your energy into finding him. Good luck.

thanks, HG...i am tending to agree with you. someone else said it is only polite to inform him even though that's not my inclination considering he did make an attempt to keep the so-called friendship in tact last week.

Well, there's nothing that says you can't inform him the next time he texts you - no matter where you are geographically. If you go away still feeling "connected" to him, you're going to send out the "I'm taken" vibe when you get to school, because emotionally, you're still going to feel like you're in a relationship with him.

If you really feel like you have to tell him before you go, then tell him. But don't let him influence your decision, don't have drama, don't expect him to beg you to stay. Do what you need to do to make this trip a fresh start.

HG-
so i texted him.

me: are you free tonite around 8pm? i need to talk to you for a short while.
him: yeh, sure.
me: where?
him: you decide
me: okay...how about xxxx place.
him: okay
me: i am leaving wednesday for michigan for at least 3 months.

no response after that.
i wonder if he will show up tonite at 8....

Good luck - stay strong. Be prepared for all those feelings to come rushing back, and to go through the grieving cycle again (only not quite as badly this time). When love is building, it can overwhelm you the way waves crash on the shore....it kinda leaves the same way.

lol- assuming he will show up. he will likely stand me up since he didn't reply to my last text about leaving.

HG- I saw him briefly. He was between dinner with his sister and catching the train to go home. I told him I was leaving for 90 days at the minimum. He said he would like to leave his stuff at my house until I get back. Then he said he would think about maybe taking some of it and he'd let me know in a few days. He showed no emotion that I was leaving. He said he was happy I had the opportunity to go and that he wants to hang out the day before I leave. He hugged me, ran his finger through my hair and had a boner. Other than that, no clue what he is thinking or feeling. I just know that time away will be REALLY good for me.

I really appreciate all your feedback.

While I agree that he's acting like an a-hole toward you, the cause behind his actions may or may not be him being a jerk. I think he's just confused big time about all the new experiences (new to him, that is) he's had with you: stuff like full-body hugs, kisses on the lips, foreplay, sex, and emotional intimacy. It all came pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain (a reference to lyrics from "Pepper" by Butthole Surfers).

Think about this: for most NT guys, intimate experiences come in phases: first time holding hands and/or slow dancing at age 10 to 12, first date at 12 to 14, first kiss at 11 to 15, first time having sex at 15 to 18. So basically, those experiences happen at a span of 8 years. They have enough time to process each phase, get experience doing it, and develop a proper attitude toward it. Now, compare that to your friend/boyfriend/FWB/something else. It sounds like you were his first. In your initial post, it says that you two started getting intimate 1.5 years after you first met; before that, you were just platonic friends (i.e. nothing beyond an occasional hug). During the 6 months you crossed the friendship line, all experiences ranging from holding hands to sexual intercourse came pouring in a very short period of time (relatively, that is). No wonder it had a side-effect of overwhelming him.

As for why he sent you all those love messages, as hurtful as it was being lied to, I have an explanation for him sending them in the first place. Given his very limited experience with romance, he had nothing to refer to for guidance other than what he heard from an unreliable source, be it TV, movies, his friends' misguided advice, people messing with him, etc. So, he "knew" that when non-platonic interactions happen, he's "supposed to" send love messages. Basically, his mind, "get intimacy = give love notes in return". Hence, the notes he sent you. He's still fully to blame for hurting you, but I'd attribute his actions more to ignorance and negligence, rather than outright malice.

In the end, he hurt you, so you have every right not to go back to him. And I'd encourage you not to do that. Because if you do, the memories from what he did will always be in the back of your mind. The best thing to do is part ways peacefully, let him learn his lesson, and both of you can move on with your lives.

Yeah....this is why dating an Aspie man is anything but simple. I think it would probably be better for you if he took his stuff before you left. Not necessarily to sever your relationship, but to avoid the "inevitable meeting" when you return. Without the excuse of having to get/give his stuff back, at least you'll be able to determine if you actually want to see him when you return (or if he wants to see you) - rather than having to see each other to return the stuff.

Obviously, because he showed no emotion doesn't mean he felt nothing. If he has a processing delay, sometimes even he won't understand his own emotional response to an event until time has passed. The whole boner thing is kinda weird. Y'all are broken up, so he should realize he should be keeping his boner to himself. However, because you had (limited) sexual contact at your last meeting, it's understandable that he may think you're down for the whole FWB arrangement.

So....it kinda goes back to trying to figure out what it is you want out of a relationship, and whether this man is ready, willing, and able to provide it. I think a nice break will help you both in that respect. And please, try not to sleep with him before you leave. I know it's tempting, but it will really mess with your head.

Also, I'm excited for this new opportunity you're going to have. I hope you enjoy it!

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Yesterday, we spent 5 hours together. Tonight I get on a plane for a minimum of 90 days across the country. He was very cuddly and affectionate with me. Of course, my new laptop was MUCH MORE interesting to him that I was for sections of time, lol. But he gave me a massage, lots of head/hair rubs, hugs, and a few very long and yummy kisses in the car just before he got on the train. He said "text me when your plane is taking off and text me the minute you arrive" which I found very odd. He said "send lots of pictures." He said he would miss me ALOT and even told one of my friends (we were on Skype) that, yes, he would miss me. More hugs, more kisses, he wished me "Godspeed" and left for the train. I texted him and said that his kiss made me want to stay home and he said he would send me a molded replica of his lips. Of course, he won't but it was kinda funny. No clue if or when I will see him again. I'll update if something interesting happens between us in cyberspace or by phone. I feel surprisingly free and calm today.