Give examples of sh-tests you were put through

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I used to bring dinner for a guy I liked every night. I did not feel "used" because I wanted to and I cared. If you do these things when you don't want to or care you've only got yourself to blame.

Stop acting all hard done by in this sense - it wil end up becoming a self fullfilling prophecy.

You haven't actually been humiliated...yet. But you probably will be if you confront her in public. I'm not entirely sure what you would confront her with. As far as I can tell, it would be a variation on "look what you'll never have because you played games with me". It really doesn't matter how well you dress or how great you look. No matter how great you look, she will insult your looks in public and loudly. Something like, "this is what you look like? Thank god I never went out with you." And then the next time something breaks in your apartment, it will never, ever be fixed and some reason will be found why the lease should not be renewed once it runs out. But this humiliation hasn't happened...yet. Don't go marching up to her and it never will.

What should you do? Accept that no relationship will ever happen with her. Stop trying. Look elsewhere.

Hey! Where's the doublefacepalm?

That is the problem, he thinks everyone should be a mind reader and knows what he considered a test and what he doesn't.

As I said, I don't interpret any of his examples as a test and since I am a woman, I should know what is a test and what isn't.

This. She shoots and scores again.

Man! If you think you'll pwn this chick by showing up at her bar like that, you are sooooo far off base you are somewhere on a parking lot across the street from the ball field. (Err baseball reference sorry. Pretend it's cricket!) She has better social skills than you, and she's on familiar grounds in her own bar surrounded by people she knows. She will "win" the argument regardless of what you do.

Anyway, people talk. Half the bar will go home and talk about this idiot who tried to smack down their bartender. Worse yet, what Janissy had brought up, the girl will talk to her daddy and you would have ruined your relations with your landlord.

People talk. Always consider that before alienating someone.

I used to provide food for my crushes too. It must be a woman thing. However, like you, I never thought I was being used or that these men owed me a relationship. Of course my ulterior motive was to showcase my cooking skills. Some men really like that sort of thing. They would say, "wow! These are great cookies!", eat them up, and continue not being my boyfriend. It was my way of showing, "look how nurturing I am", not of making them feel obligated to return the "favor" with a relationship. It was a form of advertising.

And it was also my choice. Men in their early 20's tend to be ill-fed (at least the ones I knew) as they bridge the gap between mom and cooking well for themselves. I tried to fill that gap for my crushes who wanted good food and it went noweher relationship-wise. But so what? I didn't have to cook for them. And if I cooked for them with an expectation that they now owed me a relationship, that would be sleazy of me.

hmmmm i guess i don't understand what a sh!t test is for, or what the results are supposed to mean. is it to test women and men to see whether they qualify as relationship material? if that is the case, why would any man or woman want to date someone who callously tests them? isn't it better to focus your attention elsewhere? i do nice things for people if i want to do it, not so i can pass some test. kindness breeds kindness & enhances friendship - kindness does not breed romantic relations.

Pretty much what im saying. You do it because you want to, not because you expect something back.

People who expect things only ever get disappointed. Thats the difference in me being "taken advantage of" by bringing a man food and these men moaning and crying about joining someone for an icecream and not getting anything out of it. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.

May I ask -- are either of you in a relationship or marriage now? Did it work?

Also, it seems to me you were doing this for your own happiness, which is a goal I think we can all understand. However, it's not the only goal.

Not all of us work for charity or self-satisfaction, nor should we. We have men and women in this part of the forum that have emotional needs that aren't being met. We have these same members here expressing frustration at giving so often, so much, to so many, yet never getting anything in return (which both of you in your own way also expressed, albeit with less bitterness).

At some point, the Piper needs to get paid. Some of us here want to make sure the Piper gets what he is looking for.

that is some seriously messed-up reasoning. and this is coming from someone (me) who has been in a relationship for 20 years, married for 16... with an assortment of relationships and NSA experiences preceding it. you need to get over the idea that you are entitled to anything at all from the opposite sex. doing things for the right reason, and not just so that you get the women you think you deserve, may bring you more success.

I've been married almost 20 years. And yes, he likes my cooking. But it wasn't because he felt he really ought to repay a woman who cooked for him with a relationship. We had many goals, values and a life outlook that were in harmony. That is what's falling apart here. Posters are doing these things and then getting mad when a relationship doesn't come out of it. But (love) relationships don't happen because you do things for people. They happen because you both have things that click with each other and fit together. Expecting a woman want to be with you because you walk across town with her to get icecream is silly. It's as though she's some sort of blank slate with no desires or needs of her own and if he just does the "right" thing, she will want him. I didn't think that men were obliged to fall in love with me because I can cook. Lots of men find it actually very unsexy to be cooked for. Too maternal. But they were hungry so they ate.

Something that I think is messing up male posters here is that they are unwittingly (or wittingly?) saddling women with a sense of obligation by doing these things. Some women will see that attempt at obligation and laugh at it (internally) and use it for all its worth. These are the women you are trying to warn them against. Other women will see that attempt at obligation and be scared off and keep the men at arm's length in the safety of the "friend zone". These are the women who might actually consider them for a relationship if only they weren't nervous that any marginal move towards dating would be treated as an ironclad committment and they would be held in deep contempt (or worse) if they changed their minds. It's safer just to not go there than to go there just a little and then change your mind but be saddled with a man who thinks he now owns you because you went on a date with him.

These men need a lighter touch. The whole idea that women are out to get them or are some sort of enemy to be conquered is keeping them single.

Did what work? I'm not in a relationship or marrige, nor would I expect either because of it. It worked in a way I felt good doing it, which is the only reason people should do it.



I've highlighted the difference here. And thats what I have a problem with in the whiny males bitching about how women owe them something because they joined them for an icecream.

Its not everyones problem if they don't get anything in return, if they continue to get nothing surely they would learn that it doesn't work and they should stop doing it, rather than keep doing it and STILL expecting.

Its like a lottery, the odds aren't better the more you do it. Buy one ticket, don't win. By one ticket the next week, don't win. Same odds.

Get food for one girl, don't win. Do the same next week for a different girl, same odds.

Would you have sympathy for someone who got the lotto every week and said "Its been 5 years - surely i'm entitled to the odds being in my favour for a million bucks?"

Women do it to gauge compatibility. To get to know the guy better and to understand where his limits are.

But there's a difference between reasonable testing and just being a b!tch who like to play with men.

But it usually happens when she has been with the guy for a while and can't get whatever information she needs to know out of him some other way. For example, if a guy is always really calm, she might start to wonder what situations he's not calm in because she doesn't want him to unexpectedly explode on her.

I knew a guy like this. On the outside he seemed calm and nothing ever seemed to bother him but he was actually just bottling it all up inside and then one day in the middle of traffic he "exploded" and just made the situation very uncomfortable for everyone, and more stressful than it needed to be.

If we had known in advance that he really can't handle sitting in traffic, at least we would have known to expect it, and possibly had even been able to plan to avoid it.

Do you really think that when it's 90 degrees out and the air condition doesn't work and they have been stuck in traffic for 2 hours with kids in the back seat, that a woman wants her husband flying off the handle like a raving maniac and getting into a confrontation with a stranger in the next car who might have a gun for all she knows?

Not really. Nor does she want someone who pretends they never get upset with anything when they really do. This can all be avoided by more communication and honesty in relationships but NT's are weird about that.

thank you for explaining that. but if these compatibility tests are just tests to see if a relationship could commence, why are some guys so bitter when the girls don't take it anywhere? doesn't it just mean they weren't compatible? is it like a rejection or something?

This statement is beyond creepy, dude. Exactly how do you suggest a man "makes sure the Piper gets what he is looking for?" That's really what strikes me as the fundamental flaw in your reasoning: the Piper doesn't need to get paid - nobody owes the Piper "payment." The Piper certainly wants to be paid, and that's understandable. But no man (or woman) is owed a relationship, love, sex, understanding, etc., just by virtue of wanting those things.


But that's your construct, @billsmithglendale. If that's how you feel about any arrangement, you should make that clear before services are rendered. You're making an assumption about a non-existent social contract, then you're upset because the woman involved isn't aware of your non-existent social contract.


^This - absolutely. Embroider it on a pillow, laminate it and carry it in your wallet.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 08 Sep 2010, 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hale_bopp, hyperlexian, I did not state anything in my original post to the effect that I wanted to trade ice-cream for a relationship and was surprised to see you comment on this and other assumptions with such fervor. Perhaps labeling this thread "men only" would have been appropriate. Though I appreciate your posts on other threads, those made on this thread have involved some rather insulting claims on your part, and I would be grateful it if you refrained from further comment here.

There is no reason to deny that sh**-testing happens quite often, though I suppose it might help your perceptions of yourselves if no one criticizes you for it.

A few links on sh**-testing, for anyone interested:
Wikidot
The ultimate sh**-test