In love with an Aspie man

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Maybe you have an undiagnosed mild form of Aspergers, even if it is not genetically passed down.
I'm just saying.

Sad. Confused. Alone. Similar situation here, I can so much relate to what you wrote, and I really feel with you.

We have been close friends for 1.5 years while he was living with another partner. I knew from the first time I met him that he was Aspie. Our relationship became more and more intense and in autumn, he told me he is going to leave her. So we went with the flow and started a relationship. He really did the sweetest things for me, sending me Emails all day, sending me lyrics from love songs and it was a wonderful time. I thought for both of us, at least he told me how much he enjoyed being with me and it seemed that he really trusted me. Than very, very suddenly and completely unexpected for me, he changed his mind and wanted to give his former relationship another chance after his girlfriend found out about us. I have never ever heard anyone talking so mean about his partner, so I felt safe until that day. They did not share any activities, they slept in separate rooms, they never went on holiday together. So I thought this thing was dead and it really came as a shock for me and I could hardly think. He never really explained why, it seemed he was unable and he said strange things on the phone like he is afraid that I would try to prevent him from training (he is very ambitious in sports and trains 15-20 hours per week) and would not be able to cope with the fact that everything must be as he wants it to be. As reason for returning to his former girlfriend he stated that her mother was ill….

In the following weeks we were still in contact every day, mostly by Email, occasionally on the phone. It was a bit odd trying to pretend that nothing happened and we could continue as friends. But it was okay, I did not want to loose him completely. And than again, completely unexpected, he did not answer an Email. I asked why and he just wrote one line: That he promised his girlfriend to quit the contact with me. Beside the one line, there was only a funny picture in the Email, which had nothing to do with the topic. I cannot put in words how much that hurt, it felt it would kill me – just one line after all.

I have not responded until now because firstly, there is no point and secondly, I had no idea what to write. One day I am very angry, the other day I am sad, the third day I am just full of questions. I would really like to know if it was that easy for him as it seems, if he misses me sometimes and also, if there is a small chance that we will get back together. I love him so much but it seems there is not much I can do.

What also struggles me is to distinguish which are Aspie traits and what is personality. I often think it would be better to not have known.

It's actually better to know than not know... It would have gotten worse for him as since you would have hurt him very much.
To be honest, she would think that you and him had something and thought that she would lose him. If he is easy to make him change his mind then it will not surprise me if she is controlling him without his knowledge.
Only he can come to the conclusion of whether it is working for him or not, maybe try communicating with a family member of his? This way they may help provide an answer. It is like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit.

You are right - I would have probably hurt him without knowing. But for me it would be much easier to just think he is a mean person than coping with uncertainty. I still think he is good at heart but also from my perspective he has done the meanest things I have ever experienced.

Also, it often made communication hard for me as I was always considering how he might perceive what I say or especially write. It took my spontaneity and also kind of changed my personality. He is very sensitive regarding any criticism so I always tried to avoid saying anything that could possibly be understood as such.

Thanks for your interesting point of view regarding the controlling girlfriend - I actually had the feeling he kind of hates her but at the same is dependent on her. He told her to move out of his house, that seemed okay, but the relationship with me was not acceptable for her. Strange.

That IS what I mean. Not hearing from him can cause all these thoughts to go through your head. Thus, more drama. At the time I wrote this I thought you had decided not to talk to him anymore. The inspiration was to give me the courage to do just that. Forget about him and relax.

However, like yourself, my mind had just conjured up a whole bunch of scenarios. Now I find out he has been sick. I really need to learn patience. Plus I KNOW I need to dial my emotions down quite a bit. My problem is that I have been working out and drinking vitamin water so I have been extremely hyper. Now that I found this out I can concentrate on my life a little more. Like I should have been doing in the first place. I really should work on this.

I am sorry this has been such an ordeal for you.

Even though this is like 20 years between. It does bear some relevance as this happened to me except for dating inbetween, this reminds me of me quite a bit.
This does show signs to me that this is not a healthy relationship. I think that it isn't necessarily the fact that it was you as a person that she told him not to speak to you.
Put it this way, I think you are a better person than she is towards him.

@cinbad

Ah, gotcha. YES! My friends always tell me i over think...like is there any other way!?! lol. I've been doing some Chakra tests (online stuffs) with a view to working on some more personal stuff, and my 3rd eye and crown chakra are WAY over active. I don't seem to have the patience for meditation but yoga helps brings me back into my body a bit and calm me down. But my acupuncturist friend is encouraging me to leave the "stories" behind and try to feel the real trigger/pain points versus always going there mentally and causing more grief. So, not sure if this is making sense, but yes: 1, learn patience, 2 know that you can't change outcomes, and 3 dial down the over reactive emotions like you said. Having never been a patience person who thinks and reacts at lightning speed, none of this come naturally.....and, after 3 days (a lifetime), i so want to contact him again. If he took my words literally (versus my letter where i was upset) he is giving me time-out. So now i dunno whther to appeal to the Man in him and let him come to me, or appeal to the Aspie and let him know if was not literal/forever.
Safest thing seems to just chill out and try to get on with my OWN life, like you said..hard when everything feels flat. but, time shifts as does daily energy and tomorrow is always a new day.

As ordeals go, tough for us both (and others) but lessons and patiene to be learned not doubt

We will, in fact, survive and survive quite well no doubt

i just wrote a whole post and my browser crashed

basically it said;

UPDATE:

No update. 5 day standoff.
Ringing in my ears is him saying he is aware of his own selfishness (whilst telling me I'm selfish), which just has made me feel these last couple days like a doormat.

As the scales/wool falls from my eyes i see that by sacrificing myself and getting very little bck in return, with a man who will not discuss ANYTHING, means that i never know what % of him is A.S versus % regular as*hole. It seems like a very one-way street.
As i didnt sign up to be a mother (if i wanted a child i would have had one by now), its seems the only option is its over.

"Why not become freinds?" my good girlfriend said. I replied "I don't want to become #7 (or whatever) of his *female friends that he has f******d*. Lets face it, if he couldnt give me even the basics of what i needed in a relationship, what the hell does he have to offer me in friendship!!??"

Angry? a little..
Disappointed: Yes. Mainly in myself.

I don't think you have anything to be disappointed over, really. You tried and went above and beyond the call of duty.

Personally, I prefer to live my life that way. I'd rather sit and wonder why I bothered than regret not having tried, and wondering what might have been. You tried, he choose not to speak to you about what mattered to you despite being told repeatedly. Frankly, in my view that's not really an AS issue. There is no reason you should make yourself unhappy just to make him happy.

Thanks Peter,

You are right. I tried.

Of course, tonight i attempted to contact him cos i'm a dumb ass and a soft hearted girl. There is a part of me that always sees the soul/heart vs the learned behavior of someone, and thats what (always) keeps me hanging in there beyond the call of duty.

He wasn't around.

But, i want to be able to move thru a painful breakup to a place beyond possession and ownership, and hope to (contradict my former post - prerogative female right) love him anyway, for who he is at core, and ignore the layers of s**t that have made him build his shell.

If only we could all do that.

If only we didn't all cast stones and build walls.

There would be no need for happy and sad smileys it would be very simple.

Anyways...

I miss him.

Thanks to everyone out there on this forum, i'd surely be insane by now without some understanding minds...as all my friends don't get it/him. And sorry its been so one-sided....not much to give back i'm afraid.

UPdate;
i talked to him for 30 seconds and he's "too busy with work for the next 3 weeks"

ha.

Although his work is intense and he wouldnt want a "talk" in the middle of it (Aspie exhaustion and all) I'm not a dumbass. He would have made time for me before.

So, he;s made his mind up as Tronist said early on.

Correct - because he hurt me AGAIN
Correct - because therefore nothing in his behavior had changed to where he wasn't hurting me, and,
Correct - because now he is avoiding me

And that is that.

So, i'm moving on.

I'm sorry to hear he hurt you again, but to be honest from what you have posted I think this may well be for the best for your happiness. A relationship where he takes everything and gives nothing is going nowhere, you deserve far better.

Yes Peter,
I know in my heart of hearts you are right.

I finally heard from him again, after 2 weeks of silence. It was on the day that he said he might have time to get in touch. Duh. I thought it was a (typical NT style) blow off- of course he had meant it literally.

Short version: wants to slow things down, doesn't want to be responsible for anyone else's feelings right now (I am struggling to interprate that other than literally).
Id like to keep him in my life. But now the relief at hearing from him has been replaced by the agony of not being able to have what we had before, and I know its way too early to be friends.

I know I have to move on but wanted to share on here how it feels. I know I am going to try my utmost to be zen and unattached and try to get to a place where I can fully accept him for who he is without sadness and suffering, versus agonising over wishing things were different.
Its going to be a huge challenge for me, but I also see it as a life lesson and a chance for growth.

Regarding meeting someone else that truly touches me? Bleugh. If my record is anything to go by I'm looking at another 7-10 years.

Wish me luck!! !! !

You should tell him you're still attracted, if in fact you want to get back with him, which is itself a question that requires some thinking and soul-searching on your end.

The way to tackle the "what if I can never love her back?" problem is to assure him that he doesn't need to know right now what love means, and that you will try and help him understand. However, you must be ready to do this, plus also realize that because he is probably still developing, he may decide at some point that you're not right for each other, or at least he needs time to pursue other options.

You need to consider the possibility that maybe he simply cannot love in the same way that a "typical" person could. He almost definitely can like you as a friend, and if he is sexual he can feel lust/sexual attraction, i.e. "want" you, but love is a much more complex thing, that is distinct from mere "liking" and "wanting". At least I gather it is, because I don't understand it myself. Also, for many of us aspies, things like our special interests feel way more important than other humans. Paradoxically, it seems, this may actually increase our dependence on human contact, lest we become totally cold and/or lacking in emotional energy.

Think of him as possibly in some ways like a child. My mom once had a book of little kids' comments about love, and some of them were hilarious, in the likes of "Love is warm ice cream that my mom pours into my tummy". Advanced intellectual development and normal sex drive, even desire for sensuality, don't necessarily indicate that his emotional development is at the same stage, particularly among aspies.

He may, as I sometimes do, think of love as nurturing, like a mother or kindergarten teacher does, and may desire a new mother figure in his life. He may not feel love in the way you imagine, yet grow to lean on you emotionally in certain ways that he isn't aware he is doing, or doesn't even consciously mean to. He may seem totally selfless in some situations, yet surprisingly, even shockingly self-centered in others. The bottom line is, he may be able to teach you a lot of things, but you may have to literally teach him how to be human, and realize that only after he has been taught to relate and connect emotionally will either of you be able to truly know whether a relationship between you could work long-term.

Oh hey PastFixations! Here you are on one of my older posts (I just replied to you on a different one). Yeah if I am on the spectrum its pretty mild, i check most of the boxes except I am very social, or rather have a lot of friends. Though in later years I've slowly realized that I spend more and more time alone by choice, and don't do well in group situations. Actually I was always this way but never really noticed it until later on, was just always thought of as "shy" which isnt fully accurate.
I'm not sure if my mother is ASD or OCPD. It only came up fairly recently, and doubtless something that will not be addressed at this point in her life. At risk of sounding like an as*hole for trying to diagnose her, it came up with a family member and I did a lot of research - which is how I found this site!

Re my own situation, it is going well at the moment after many twists and turns but i will share the story another day as it will take some focus...

Be safe out there everyone!!