Is My Husband an Aspie?

Post Reply New Topic

Popsicle - I thought I'd shift your last response over here so I'm not trying to have a conversation in two places...

Popsicle wrote in Toddy's thread
http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... highlight=

Ok short response first.

I didn't mean for you to get your sister to look after you during her wedding, but for her to nominate a friend or another family member that could. Think creatively. Who do you know over there who would help you out for a week or so.

As for staying with your hubby. After all I've read so far, I'm not sure there is a point now. You are both unhealthy for each other (no matter whose version of the truth is right), and he doesn't seem to be interested in changing. He thinks you should get help, and he's right but possibly not for the reasons he thinks.

You already recognise that your current environment is keeping you ill. I know getting out seems impossible, but I'm sure it isn't. I find once I decide to do something and make the right plans, in small baby steps to get there, that other things like the money - take care of themselves. Whose flat is it? Perhaps he could leave? (definitely find out what the finances are first - that should be part of your plan).

I think once you make a decision - either to stay and stop getting upset about the way he treats you or to split up, you will feel much better. I keep wondering if the apartment itself is unhealthy too. If it isn't well ventilated, it is polluted (near highways), and it isn't very clean, the flat itself could make you very ill and keep you that way.

Start with figuring out how to get to the wedding.

You might want to take photos of everything in the flat by way of making inventory of what you have incase you come back and helpful people have moved him out and all your stuff.

Those are all good, practical points. I agree with virtually all of it. The only part that I may not be able to do is get someone to help me during my time at my sister's wedding. My family is too far away to have seen the worst times of my illness. I think they think I'm just a little under the weather.

So my frustration I've vented about on the boards has also been built up from having a cyclical type of illness that may be up one day when someone sees me. It also tends to hit me after I have exerted myself somehow. So they may only see me trying to keep up and trying to not show how blah I feel. And then again a lot of people just are not very observant of others... anyway... here I am telling people how ill I've been physically and how ill he's been emotionally etc., and then they see one/both of us very occasinoally. So the upshot there is that no one's going to offer to devote their time to helping me there... Heck they didn't even when I was young, fit and well. I've always been the one to go out of my way to go to everyone else's town etc. It was that or be one of those out of towners who does not ever see family. Just seems to be the way it goes when one person is single and the others have kids etc. They assume it's easier for one to drive and visit than all of them. Kind of a bummer.

I think I may be able to make it though... I practised driving/doing errands last night. I did okay. If he goes with me on the plane trip itself and I can rest a couple days (after the primary, airplanes travel), then I think I will be able to handle driving to the actual town and attending the wedding. Part of the iffi-ness of this all is that I can be doing very well physically and then bam, but that is how auto immune disorders seem to work right?

In other words I am just thinking positive, taking little steps to prepare for the trip as if it will happen, and hoping for the best. If not then I will know I did try my best to get there. I am trying to make him realise how very important this trip is to me, in a calm and non pressuring manner. Then it will be up to him to do right by me... Whatever else comes in the future, I would always regret not having attended my own sister's wedding day.

I do think it's wise that I find out about finances. One of the written promises was that we both see a financial advisor/planner and that I get my own separate account with some amount in there so that I can amuse myself and provide for myself without having to continually ask for things. That would also help my morale and sense of independence a lot. There is so much to work on. Only time will tell what will happen.

I do think I will continue looking for ways to job train/work online, once we get back (I assume the trip will happen). Again either way, having an income of my own would be good. And that way if worse came to worse and things continue just as they are, or not much better, I would have options unavailable to me right now. I do agree too that things tend to happen once change is instigated... even if you can't see how at the start. When we had some brief time apart, I did feel empowered & stronger.

I agree totally about the apartment itself. It's off a busy road, he did not clean it much while I was ill (suffice to say it was not possible for me to do it myself - Im getting there now though - stronger etc.) and it's messy. The lack of fresh air plus the dust... I'm also allergic to dust... sure does not help.

That all may be more detail than you wanted to know. But I tend to not know how much detail is enough or not enough. I can't guess what others will need from me so they understand.

I do think Aspie traits run in my family too. I am even wondering about myself but that stops short when I realise how important emotions and communications are to me. I think rather that I have been raised/surrounded by AS and AS values and as such that's my experience and social skills too. Not being allowed to have friends come home etc. I have adapted to an AS way of being in some ways myself. But I think in my case it's an adaptation while growing up rather than something organic to me. I do think there's reason I ended up with a possibly Aspie man however. If it is what I knew and was comfortable with in some way...

Thing is though. Marriage is so different than any other relationship. It tends to exacerbate the good and bad both. It isn't my own value deep down to not talk, not touch etc., and adapting growing up is one thing but living this way in my OWN home forevermore is another... But y'know I can even adapt to never 'speaking my own language' if we could speak mine even sometimes.

Thanks for listening again wob. I appreciate it.

Popsicle

The thing about adult women aspies, is that someone, usually our mothers, but whomever it is that does most of the raising, puts a lot more effort into making sure we are "good little girls" and know the right way to behave. And they ignore the bad behaviour of boys and say "boys will be boys". So aspie women learn more of the social rules, and correspondingly get more upset when someone else breaks them.

Because we can't make a lot of sense of the world if someone keeps breaking the rules and doing things that aren't right. Like being rude. We know what being rude is, and we know we should be offended. Sigh.

So I think you have a fair few aspie traits.

And nobody is going to offer to help you. You have to ask. Don't assume that nobody will help you if you do ask. You need to phone and tell your sister that you'd like to come to the wedding but you're having some crisies and if you can't persuade your husband to come (he doesn't want to), you will need some help to manage, can she nominate someone.

I'm taking a wild punt here, but I envisage help to consist of getting a lift to the main events and etc. And you could sleep the rest of the time in a motel or whatever accomodation you get offered.

If your family is of many aspie traits - it's not going to occur to them to offer. But if they're anything like my family, if you ASK for specific help, being collected from the airport/train station, and taken to the motel, and then to the wedding etc. They will help.

If you don't ask and you don't talk to your sister and you don't go, and they don't know why, they may make up some reason that makes sense to them and isn't very nice about you, because a POLITE person would phone and discuss what is going on and why they can't make it.

Of course there is always a taxi, but that's not as nice as spending time with your family. And I hate taxis. I always feel ripped off.

I won't take any more of your excuses seriously until you can write you've talked to your sister about your difficulties attending her wedding and given her a chance to suggest / assign someone to help.

But you are assuming something... that my sister and I are close enough to do this.

Although she is my (half) sister, we grew up in separate households and cities. I have not always even had her address (since she has grown up).

My husband did offer to let me take a limo from the airport to the other city (an hour and a half away) but I find this impractical (I don't think there even is a limo company there.) If not ostentatious. (And how would I get back? And we can't afford to hire one for that many hours.)

Also I am still hoping my husband will go. Also there is sitll a chance I will fly directly into the city the wedding is. (Reason I may not is because I have things to do in another city first.) So as a last resort I would phone other family (not her, she's planning a big wedding with sit-down and dancing reception) and ask for a ride but not her, herself. She will have 200 guests to worry about. They are supposed to find their own rides.

My main problem is not driving once I get there - I did it last night for a good long while, and I think I can do that part. What's worrying me more at this point is whether hubby will go at all. For him to not go with me would make the flights harder, more draining, and also harder and humiliating (to go alone yet married) to the occasion.

I do appreciate the time and effort you have taken in all your replies. Your advice is always good. In this case about my sister and our family dynamic however you simply did not have all the information needed. This is an out of state or out of town wedding for everyone. The last bit of pertinent info for now is that no one else would be driving from my town to hers. But me (or us). It is slightly possible someone could detour through my town on the way. But unlikely. I speak from experience. They do not go 'out of their way'. My father's side of the fam are close with each other but do not go out of their way for the 2 kids from the first marriage

PS you are right about little girls being trained to be thoughtful of others while boys are not. I see moms interact with their sons (NT or not doesn't matter) and see how the boys behave how they like. And I think one day that will make someone a miserable wife. ha.

I have also heard that single moms raise usually passive aggressive boys. The moms do not usually like overtly aggressive behavior so the boy dampens it a bit in order to not be rejected but then will later do what they want anyway. Growing up to be a promise breaker. It's not blaming the moms though. What I was told is that it takes a man to model that *properly* aggressive behavior in healthy limits. The boys grow up to either act out or, 'hide' from their wives just like they did with their moms.

Damn, she's gone to all that effort to invite you and if it is all sit down and etc, it will be quite expensive per person. If you do decide not to go, let her know with plenty of advance warning. I still think you should talk to her. If she says oh well, I'll cross you off the list, then you know there's no hard feelings. However I really like the opportunity to catch up with family from all over that a wedding usually brings.

I don't know what the places are like where you are going, but a lot of towns around here have something called a "shuttle bus", which is like a share taxi, a bunch of people get on the bus and it takes them all where they want to go, and you can book the same for the return trip. The route taken can be a little indirect but it's usually much cheaper than a taxi fare. I'm not sure about the limo, I've never been in one. But there is something known as a "private hire car" which is like a taxi only not. You phone the company up and arrange to be picked up and a set price from the airport to your accomodation. The price is usually similar to a taxi but without the problems of finding the taxi or risking them picking up some other ride and not showing up or taking the long way to get a higher fare.

I get the distinct feeling that you really don't want to go. You keep coming up with new reasons not to. If this is truly the case, just write her a letter and say you are unable to accept and best wishes blah blah. You don't really have to put a reason or you could put for "health reasons" or "personal reasons".

No... I really do want to go! I'm not sure what could be giving the impression I don't. Remember how huge America is... it's no mean feat traveling cross-country with two separate auto-immune disorders, and a cartilage problem, on one's own!

So I am only replying with honesty and practicality to some of your suggestions. I'm not dodging them. If I didn't want to go, I'd plain say, I don't want to go... I'm pretty up-front! (I think that's one thing that makes hubby nervous!)

There is no such thing as a shuttle or a private car where I'm going. I do know what you mean, as we live in a major city. But the two cities I will be traveling between, where parts of my family lives, are not major cities, and have no such services. I did talk to mom about it, and, despite her originally fretting about simply having a guest in her house (doesn't matter who... she's an admitted narcissist and says she doesn't like anyone messing up her house period... and by messing up she means... existing there. Lol) she now says that if I'm too tired to drive it, (which I may not be) she will drive me and my brother (another long story but I won't break his privacy by posting his life story here - it isn't relevant to this dilemma, anyway) to the other city, long as we don't stay too late. She originally had said we must leave at 8 pm and the dinner begins at 7:30, so that wasn't a solution. But now she says 10 pm is okay, so that may work, if all else fails.

See, I'm pretty stubborn...

Mom isn't invited, as due to the divorce, my half-sister barely knows her, etc. and has her mother there of course. But she has a favorite aunt in town and will visit with her during the actual time we're at the wedding. So that may be sorted.

The dilemma NOW is that hubby has said he won't go - period... and plus is showing such signs of paranoia and depression he may have to be hospitalised. He was to be assessed urgently by his therapist Friday afternoon but then refused to go. The laws are such here that no one can force him to unless he's at that very moment serious about suicide... and he hasn't made noises in that direction. However it's patently obvious now to his therapist and of course to me all along that he needs urgent care. So now... things also depend upon that assessment. I hesitate to leave hubby alone if he's out of touch with reality... and also if he's been put into a hospital. Then again he may want me to go and do better on his own. It is very hard for me to tell... part of his delusion is blaming me for every decision he makes and every little thing he avoids etc.

So basically I am waiting to hear what his shrink says...he's phoning later this morning. I dont even know if hubby will speak with him. But I will and get his advice.

It does mean a lot to me to be at my sister's wedding. Please don't think otherwise. For hubby to spring this on me at the last moment, is very inconsiderate. We have already RSVP'd some time ago (about a month I think). He knew this was coming up. I've known others with Aspergers/OCD who had to work inwardly very hard to get to a big function like this... but they wanted to, so tehy did it. The thing that irks me is that I'm not important enough for hubby to try and overcome his struggles for one night.

Now he is the son of a pilot. He has traveled the world since barely old enough to amble around. There is no way this should scare him. He has also been to plenty of weddings. My intuition tells me something else is going on here.

I will certainly tell sis as soon as I know, if we can't make it there. Having had a big wedding myself (which I planned entirely, of course barely help from him but people told me that's typical of grooms - I thought nothing of that really) I know all too well that each person is a set fee from the caterer. If we did not go I'd send her the amount we cost her and then some. Plus we've already sent a very generous wedding gift.

I can only go with what's in my control, though and right now this situation is out of control. Not of my own doing, however. Aspie or not or other struggles or not he could have at least tried harder or at least told me sooner. Now I have a lot of last minute plans to make or change, if I do go, and a lot of explaining to do if I don't go.

Thanks for the input.

I got invited to a friend's wedding. She had it in a small country town about 1800km from where I live. Not a straightforward drive. And the accomodation there was limited, and I don't know ANYONE who lives there at all. She picked this town because it was half way between where her divorced parents live, one up north and the other down south.

So I had absolutely no resources for help, except her and she was planning the wedding, and my own limited finances. I talked to her about it and she sorted me out a few of her buddies to help me get around, they were driving down from the nearest big city which was much closer than where I lived. The accomodation she recommended was truly unfit for human habitation, (infested with cockroaches, silverfish and strange stains on every surface), but since quite a few of her guests were there, we were able to club together for rides etc.

But if I hadn't talked to her, I would not have been able to go at all. This is why I think you don't want to go, you won't even discuss your problems and needs with your half-sister.

But it is good that your mum has decided to help out.

As for your husband, I feel this may be some last ditch attempt on his part to control you. I think I'd go and not feel guilty about the consequences. If you trigger full meltdown instead of pretend meltdown, then that can be dealt with. Maybe you can make an agreement with one of his therapists (has he ditched "our" therapist too) to be available to intervene. And one or both of you could make phone calls to the house to make sure hubby is ok. Explain to hubby if he doesn't answer or return calls, you will assume the worst and call in the mental health professionals to rescue him.

Hi wobbegong;

I understand what you're saying and I see more clearly now, how you got that impression. I think you will maybe just have to trust me when I say that isn't true. That I'm even contemplating making this trip alone as ill as I am, shows dedication, in my opinion.

"Want to" and "can" or even "should" are not always the same things

Also I'm not sure I've made it clear yet, but, I really don't know this sister... she is my half sister, and our families grew up in different cities. I even had to ask for her address She's also a bit cheeky for her age to be honest. Calling my younger sister who has a bit of a tude at times... who is freaking out at the moment over some guests adding more guests to the RSVP without really asking, etc... would only be seen by her/her mother as extremely inconsiderate. Trust me. They'd think, "Why can't my sister nearly 20 yrs older than me, find her own ride?". Also there's nothing she can find out, that I can't.

My mom was the best one to go to on this one. And like I said, if I rest enough beforehand, I also may be able to drive it myself. IT's the plane rides Im' more worried about. Going through a major city's airport these days is like winding your way through an armed camp. And cripples, sad to say, are often singled out. Last time I flew, I needed a wheelchair to the connecting flight, and that time I wasn't flying alone. Simply standing in the lineup to be processed at the airport will tax me. Brushing my teeth wears me out, if that gives you any idea.

I'm determined to drag myself cross country by my nails to get there, if need be. The question is, with an able bodied husband, why do I have to?

I doubt I will call to check on him... he rejected my pleas again last night to go with me. He even smiled as he no doubt imagined relaxing in his boxers enjoying the game. It's pretty selfish of him to visit this hardship on me when it isn't necessary... he can work from anywhere via computer, etc. The family's set to meet him. We were also to house hunt originally, on this trip. Bailing out on me at the last moment is yet another promise broken. I'm not thinknig too much of his ethics at this moment in time.

I was more worried about the possibility that your husband would have a meltdown and damage the house or himself while you were away. If you're confident he'd be perfectly happy on his own then, no need to make phone calls. However if he's threatening self destruction, there's you and "our therapist"'s opportunity to get the paranoid man committed. I tend to think of paranoid people as unpredictable and impulsive, and secretive. So I tend to want to check up on them more, which probably makes the paranoia worse, go figure.

I don't think he's capable of helping you right now. Wouldn't having him along with his current attitude to you, just make your trip more stressful not less? He's hardly going to turn into a loving caring individual instantly and if he did, I'd want to know why.

I know what you mean about queues and stress. When my knee was at its worst, I actually walked into the bank I wanted to do business with, sat down on one of their chairs and then phoned them. Because I couldn't stand in their queue.

There are lots of security guards, I'm sure you could tell them that you need help with the queue and get them to do "call a number" for you. It might pay to phone the airports in advance. Sometimes I want one of those mini scooters or a golf buggy to get around them. I don't know what they think people who can't walk far are supposed to do.

Once again, you've been quite perceptive and compassionate. Thank you for that as ever.

You've understood completely about the line-ups. I'm a bit leery of asking a security guard (at this airport there's actually a police 'station' inside) for help. I had trouble standing for long on the last flight I took, over a year ago. Anyone who stands out, including for limping or not standing well, seems to get 'pulled over' for a closer examination. I had to sit down, remove my shoes, etc., and those were not easy things for me to do at that time. I'm better now; but still it does make me apprehensive about it.

I think you asked last time if he was still seeing 'our' therapist. No, not really. We were to go last Friday (a few days ago) afternoon, and he canceled. The therapist phoned the next morning for a phone session. He would not even get on the telephone. Mom's rather irked about it as he had told her he really wanted to try and he promised he was going to the sessions coming up etc. She feels manipulated. I told her, "Multiply that by 100,000...". He's broken so many promises large and small. Anyway, it was an effort to even get him to phone the therapist back. The shrink wanted him to phone and say when would be a good time to talk for a brief 10 or 15 minutes. It took him hours to do that and only after he felt assured (it seemed) it was not a big thing but only going to be a brief chat.

So the therapist is due to phone for that brief chat Monday morning (later today). He had told me on the phone that he wants us to come in for a session together, as well as hubby by himself. The therapist had also emphasized first and foremost "Don't you think this time apart will be good for (hubby)?" As opposed to addressing the urgent fact - the psychotic breaks. The dissociations. He said "He told me he will straighten the apartment while you're gone". I couldn't believe it. Over 2 yrs I've been asking him for help in organising part of the apartment and/or in the last several months, "please help me with part of the cleanup" (some of it's difficult for me) and he won't, for anything. He'll sometimes say yes but never do anything about it. So now that he's having dissociative episodes where he thinks it's a different day than it is, or that I'm going to harm him, the shrink thinks NOW, on his own, he's going to suddenly make like Mary Poppins and tidy up the place? *sigh*

So I'm not sure how much those sessions will do anyway. But I'm betting he either cancels out or asks me not to go too. Last week's session was so important to me. I said to him "But this could help save our marriage". He only whined he didn't feel like going.

As to leaving him alone here. I think it's a risk also. He insists he will be fine and wants to be alone here. He says "I need a break". I told him he can take a trip any time; it is much easier for him than for me, to travel. No answer. I said that to his/our shrink also. He just repeated "But wont it be good for him to have this break?". I dont know what from. He does little but sit at his desk or lie on the sofa. Things requiring a certain amount of lifting or exertion are his tasks. But half the time he doesn't even keep food in the fridge, and when he does, it's takeout or frozen stuff. He doesn't cook really. Over two years I've gotten by on substandard nutrition, and many times have had to make do with pop tarts or dry cereal for dinner, due to his neglect of that task. He sometimes does laundry, not often. He never seems to clean. When it was my task to do those things I did them.

So that's how he talks about it... as if he's fine and will get to those things while I'm gone (makes no sense) and so forth. But from experience and also his recent behavior... I'm loathe to leave him or my home (it was my singles apt., before I ever met him) in his care. He has hit me, (he said by accident), he's acted out slamming doors and such, etc. He forgets to put food away. Also with his nutty family saying they want to kidnap him... who knows what might happen here while I am gone. I also think his harming himself out of depression or psychosis is a fair risk.

This is the type of thing his therapist should have advised me on... and I thought he would... Sat. morning by phone, instead of talking about me going on this trip! It's also very disheartening that neither of them, and apparently ont his family either (judging by his sister's letter) understand or believe what it is to have the illnesses I have. I could become very ill en route, and have no one to help me. If I do go, (I am beginning to doubt it more, now that my IBS is flaring up as well), I will take your suggestion and phone the airline ahead of time to ask what assistance they can offer.

The scooters they show on tv would not even work in this instance. The airport is such that there's always a hard angle or a tight corner (not to mention, curbside dropoff). And the place is huge... so walking it will be hard too. I could really use him to lean on.... but as usual, he wont be there!

Why not go to the wedding and not return?
It seems like you're putting up with a lot.
Leave, and give yourself the best present you ever could, mental space, health and sanity before him and his family grind you down into a shadow of your former self.
It's happened to me in the past and it takes years to recover and "find yourself" again, get out while you can.
P.S. You say it's more your house, so throw his ass out. I'm sure his psychopathic malicious sister would love to take him in, she could tell him she "told him so" and you will have your life back..

I apologise profusely and sincerely for my awful mistake, the thread came up in a search, I didn't notice the date on it.
A thousand thousand apologies to everybody here, I feel truly terrible and am dreadfully sorry for any upset my wrongdoing has caused.
Most Sincerely,
Mishmash

Locking topic since its a personal issue and replies are most than likely not relevant right now.