Would you break up with your boyfriend over this?

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Lene
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06 Jan 2011, 2:50 pm

Alla, were you calling this guy names back?

I understand how it's irritating to argue with people who know less about a subect than you do; I avoid people like that, or at least that particular subject when around them. There is seriously no point in trying to compete or change their mind; it just sounds defensive on your part.

Your boyfriend was probably correct to step in and try to mediate. You were probably in the wrong for turning on him when he tried to be neutral (it was your argument after all, not his; he's not your knight in shining armour).

That said, I don't think he should have gone out with the other guy straight away afterwards; that was very insensitive and I would be very p-d off at that too. But after you had just argued with him, he probably was feeling a bit spiteful as from his point of view, he was only trying to help and you just went and bit his head off.

Honestly, I think you both owe each other an apology. You can be stubborn and break up for good (your choice), but if he's a decent guy apart from the occasional slip up, then I would suggest trying again and having a conversation about what to do 'next time'. This will probably involve concessions on both your parts.



Daemonic-Jackal
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06 Jan 2011, 4:33 pm

emlion wrote:
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You need to find a guy at least as smart as you


Just because you have a degree it doesn't make you 'smart' or vice versa. :roll:
just makes you experienced in your specific field.


This is 100% on.


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Alla
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06 Jan 2011, 5:15 pm

starygrrl wrote:
Word of advice Alla, from somebody who has a professional doctorate, don't bother with anybody who does not at least have an bachelors degree, and honestly you should be looking for somebody with a professional or graduate level of education. You need to find a guy at least as smart as you, because you will keep running into these cavemen otherwise. I know it may sound silly, but truth be told most people who are uneducated are going to result in conflicts for you. It also sounds like while you are intellectually advanced, you could very well be emotionally immature. You seem like a very black and white thinker in certian ways. Which is all pretty normal for an intellectually advanced person on the spectrum, just realize it means you are going to have to be more specific with regards to the person you are looking for.

For example my criteria is a bit strange, while I will accept a guy with a bachelors in engineering or IT, I would not think about a guy with a bachelors in business. The average level of education for any guy I date is a masters, many are Ph.D.s, M.D.s and J.D.s. The reason I am so strict about this is because I cannot see a partner who is dismissive of my intellect or cannot keep up with me when I "geek out". Even the people I keep as friends tend to be incredibly smart. My partner sees me as restrictive with who I see, the truth is I just know who I will get along with. I cannot relate to everybody, so rather keep friends with people I can relate to on some level.


Your post is the most sensible of all in this thread. I was exactly like you and would not consider dating any guy without a higher education. However, this guys was really nice and we did have several things in common. We were together for about 7 months and had great fun. However, the education thing was a sore spot and it would eventually come up. Truth be told, I broke up with him because he a) supported the uneducated frenemy who repeatedly insulted me about my education level and b) could not control his drinking habits. I guess I have learned more than one lesson from this experience.

For those who say that people with doctorates are not smart but only good at what they study, I have this to say: do you actually HAVE a doctorate? I am not the same person in terms of reasoning at the end of my PhD as I was at the end of my MA or at the end of my BA. And no, that is not because of life experience either. When you spend five years reading very hard texts and writing a book of 300 pages, your entire thinking changes.



emlion
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06 Jan 2011, 5:20 pm

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For those who say that people with doctorates are not smart but only good at what they study, I have this to say: do you actually HAVE a doctorate? I am not the same person in terms of reasoning at the end of my PhD as I was at the end of my MA or at the end of my BA. And no, that is not because of life experience either. When you spend five years reading very hard texts and writing a book of 300 pages, your entire thinking changes.


You're reading from it what you WANT to read. I didn't say they weren't smart I said it didn't automatically make them smart. They may very well be smart, probably are but it doesn't guarantee it. Likewise, no doctorate doesn't mean stupid or smart either.

Please don't manipulate what I was saying.



menintights
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06 Jan 2011, 5:25 pm

Okay, Alla, we get it: you have a PhD.

Your repetitive mention of the fact only makes you look insecure, and your refusal to believe that your PhD just means that you're good at what you study reveals that you're not half as smart you like to believe.

But go on, keep using your doctorate as proof that you're smarter than the rest of us. And while you're at it, why don't you tell us what your IQ is?



cmjust0
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06 Jan 2011, 5:46 pm

Alla wrote:
So if your boyfriend/girlfriend had an ugly fight that you tried to mediate and then ditched you and went out with your enemy, you would still trust him?

This point was the culmination of a series of little "betrayals" over a course of two months. I feel as if he treats me as just any other friend and probably spends more money going out with his friends than with me. He kept asking me if I trusted him and I told him no, because I have seen way too many instances where he will, in a subtle way, choose his friends over me.


My guess is that if you break up with him for good, he's not going to care much because your issues with trust and jealousy, your demanding attitude, along with your need for blind, "if you love me"-type loyalty are forcing him to choose between his friends and you. Believe it or not, that's irritating to some people.

You see, some people have the ability to realize when their partner is attempting to isolate them, and they actually recognize isolation as a liability that could lead to having to take a lot of abuse.. He seems like one of those people, and if so, he's probably not the one for you anyway.

So, sure...break up with him. Or wait for him to break up with you. Either way, perhaps you should find someone with serious self-esteem issues next time around.



Daemonic-Jackal
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06 Jan 2011, 6:11 pm

Alla wrote:
For those who say that people with doctorates are not smart but only good at what they study, I have this to say: do you actually HAVE a doctorate? I am not the same person in terms of reasoning at the end of my PhD as I was at the end of my MA or at the end of my BA. And no, that is not because of life experience either. When you spend five years reading very hard texts and writing a book of 300 pages, your entire thinking changes.


That doesn't give you the right to behave like a complete know it all, act as if you have all the answers to everything and be over-demanding and condescending to anyone who dares to disagree with you and immediately assume they are wrong just for having a different opinion.

Trying to use your phd now as an excuse to throw your weight around and be a bully, is nothing short of pathetic.


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Laz
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06 Jan 2011, 6:31 pm

Some of you are failing to see the point being made here. This is not some kind of justification of acacdemic attainment being a means to take a snobbish eltist attitude towards others. I think some of you clearly have little or no idea of what is involved in a PhD it is a level of academic attainment few attain not due to its difficulty but actually due to the committment you are required to put into such a pursuit.

A PhD is a far more involved processes then attending a pre-concieved structured academic course in higher education. You do not have classes or structure you are your own reseracher you are the adult learner and the result of a successful PhD is the publication of original thought

It is a pursuit of knowledge with the intention of creating unique contribution to the understanding of mankind. You must understand the processes of research. Carry out a thorough literature review. And in the end your work is published and open to peer review in a wider field. It isn't something you take on lightly, it isn't something anyone can do. It is an achievement to be respected, that is why our established universities consider it to be the highest level of achievement one can achieve in the pursuit of academia.

The pursuit of education or a professional careers changes your character and you do begin to become out of sync with other people. That is no negative reflection on others it just simply reflects that you are operating from a level of knowledge and processes of understanding that means you never look at issues in the same light again. Education changes people. It empowers you and it is a means through which you can escape poverty or a pre-destined fate of low achievement and aspiration. Or at leat it used to be, now it is a privelage taken for granted.

Actually I accuse you who criticise of reverse snobbery. Cause you failed to ask you simply jumped to conclusions that someone was excluding you and snuffing you without understand the perspective from all angles.



emlion
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06 Jan 2011, 6:36 pm

Failed to ask what? Jumped to what conclusion? :roll:



menintights
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06 Jan 2011, 6:40 pm

Quote:
Education changes people.


What, it turns them into a pain in the ass?

I don't know, Laz, many of my college professors managed to have PhD and be clearly knowledgeable without being obnoxious about it. Pretty sure the problem with OP isn't that she received too much education for her own good.



Laz
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06 Jan 2011, 6:50 pm

Again, you fail to understand the point being made. If you understood the perspective of the OP you would realise it is not indictative of someone attempting to justify superiority or indifferance to others it is someone saying actually when I was intellectually unable to relate to someone i considered my significant other this undermined our relationship and it impacted on my quality of life.

I think that is a fair point to say and to then decide to filter out people without that kind of attainment is therefore a sensible route to pursue to avoid upset for both people involved.

Interpreting it as a personal snub on your characters is not understanding the situation it is making a character judgement based on a pre-defined set of ideals you hold to be true. Sadly the world is not that simple

As the saying goes

Alittle knowledge is dangerous



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06 Jan 2011, 7:03 pm

I don't see whats wrong with breaking up a fight.

Unless he purposefully sided with the new guy? The aftermath I can't comment on as I don't know what really happened to begin with.



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06 Jan 2011, 11:03 pm

Let me try to explain.

Male bonding is VERY strong. Males almost never give up on their friends.
Males tend to make friends for life.

This dates back to the tribal days when warriors had to fight and die against other tribes or to bring down a woolly mammoth. Their lives were in each other's hands.
These days think "Marine Corps"

Don't make a man choose between his friends and you. You won't like the result.



hale_bopp
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06 Jan 2011, 11:18 pm

emlion wrote:
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You need to find a guy at least as smart as you


Just because you have a degree it doesn't make you 'smart' or vice versa. :roll:
just makes you experienced in your specific field.


I disagree, you don't really get experience from a degree where you aren't trained. "Art history" or something like that for example. You know how to regurgitate a book, and its pretty much the end of it.



Volodja
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06 Jan 2011, 11:21 pm

You need to read widely though (in your chosen subject)
so you do gain experience that way

If you want a decent degree that is. Obviously if you're just going to uni to drink and get laid then that might not be the case :P

but generally, for a degree, you're expected to do a lot of reading



hale_bopp
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06 Jan 2011, 11:23 pm

Volodja wrote:
You need to read widely though (in your chosen subject)
so you do gain experience that way

If you want a decent degree that is. Obviously if you're just going to uni to drink and get laid then that might not be the case :P

but generally, for a degree, you're expected to do a lot of reading


Yep - it depends on the degree. Some Phd's have actually very little hope of getting a person a job. At least doctors get trained, and other things. without training its just text book puke and some people who want to be puked on if they have a question about the pointless subject :P