why is it we as Aspies have such a hard time getting dates?

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I read all the nonverbals backward and also send out the wrong signals.
Honestly the amount of times that ive had a great conversation with a guy and then he has read that i am interested when i am not and then asks me out seemingly out of the blue cause i cant read the signs its so annoying.

On the other hand when there is a guy i like, i am so uptight about it, behave like a total ret*d, give signals like i am totally creepy or not interested at all and get nowhere.

There is the third option of when he is interested and i think i am interested however i need time to process the situation cause its all so intense and im not sure what to do, so i try to buy time and seem that i am not keen at all, the next time i see the guy at a party i am all ready to go for it, he turns up and introduces me to his new girlfriend ! !!

I just cant win - luckily i enjoy my own company.
Lucky i already have a child too - or the biological clock would be stressing me out.
I prefer being happily single than unhappily married like so many people.
I hope one day i will find someone awesome - if that day comes it will be a bonus in my already great life.

THIS I think is one major issue!

I know being in the "friend zone" makes it a bit harder to score a date/relationship with a chick, but why can't you say that you're available? If she doesn't want to hear it from you, then eventually she'll stop calling. And so yeah, you lost a "friend", but really she just wanted someone safe to vent to, and you wanted in her pants. Not good for the health of a long term relationship.

Usually, I've come to realize, if the girl is venting to you about her relationship, she probably likes you more than you realize. But since you haven't made the right moves she doesn't think you're interested in her like that.

I've personally only had 5 relationships with women. The first I was merely an out for her bad relationship at the time. I basically told her that I liked her and I was tired of hearing her piss and moan about her obviously sh***y boyfriend. But she wound up liking me more than she thought and we dated for months. She just couldn't deal with my weirdness and moved on though by saying "We're done, and I have a date tonight with..." Although we still talk from time to time. And the not technically cheated on me with guy knocked her up, married her, and then cheated on her. Karma is a b***h.

The second was a few years later, in college, and I basically got told that I should ask her out. Turns out I was an easy target and safe. She was a slut I guess. She's now divorced twice and has 4 kids. She cheated on me too. Both of hers cheated on her. Karma, I'm telling you.

The third one (and sixth one I guess) was a cute chick that sat beside me in assembly at college. I decided I was going to be bold, dammit, and we dated for awhile. After the previous relationships, I was a bit gunshy when it went physical so "quickly". Although I guess it was a few weeks... So I ran. We stayed friends though.

The fourth was a chick that had made it known for years that she liked me. But due to the whole age/legal thing we couldn't date for awhile. So we dated for the summer and fall semester one year, but she decided that she didn't want to wait for me for the last part her senior year. We were talking every day, still dating as far as I knew. Then one day when I called her I hear a guy say, "You have to tell him." And I got introduced to her other boyfriend. But she only wanted to date him until I got back. He just saw a free chance at banging a chick with no strings.

The fifth again basically told me we should date. She was a nice girl though. We just didn't have much in common.

And after hearing #3 complain about the latest boyfriend I told her that I still loved her and hearing her compain all the time was killing me. She's my wife now (and very NT), so I guess it worked out.

I really only met/dated 2-5 because of my very understanding NT roommate in college who decided that I was his good deed for his college years. He even pushed me to ask out #4. "She's 18 and legal now, bro. 18 and 21 ain't that big of a deal." And once I got married it was like, "Cool bro, mission accomplished, but you're weird. Stop talking to me."

But my point was, my best two relationships were both friends first. (I honestly think the first girl was just trying to say "we're done, I'm moving on, don't call me." And she wasn't really trying to cheat on me.) But why can't you just let your "friends" know you like them and while you'll always be their friend, but you're going to find other girls to hopefully date if they're not interested?

Of course, if she's not dating anyone, only spends time with you, and doesn't get a boyfriend, she's either in the closet still or just waiting on you to kiss her. Or both. But don't push the issue. She'll let you know one way or the other when she's ready. It worked out okay for me though. Last I heard that one is happily married to another chick. And we dated and "had fun" for a few days at least.

I think that I am a good flirt. As long as I get a Flirty guy. I'm pretty passive and just say things that can be taken aa flirting when sometimes I'm not. I'm good at getting dates. Guys ask me out or flier with me it is just that. Don't notice till it is too late. I'm typing on my phone by the way.

Idk how flirting is for straight guys.

I disclose my awkwardness and aspergers not too long after meeting someone that I plan in dating. I find that some guys are interested by it and like my quirks. Even my rambling. Some don't though, understandably.

My problem with dating is exactly the same in any kind of social situation - I can't think in nothing to say.

I was sort of thinking the same thing; the advice seems like more of a dating guide for the inexperienced, modified with a few AS pointers. If I had the wherewithall to go out and make a lot of friends of any persuasion, invite oneself to parties, etc., etc., finding a date wouldn't be anywhere near as much of a challenge.

Getting beyond the initial meeting (sans flirting), there are a couple big hurdles out there. NT's dates include a couple of other things that aren't exactly in the aspie arsenal: long continuous conversations and something that approaches an expression of personal feelings. If things get a little quiet, or the topic of interest goes over the cliff, there's nowhere to hide.

Assuming the relationship survives the shock of the initial encounter, an insidious problem arises down the road when the AS datee figures out that she's expanded her social network by exactly one person. Heck, aspies have enough problems introducing themselves to their own family, much less performing a social dance with an audience. Oh yeah, dancing is an issue unless the date happens to enjoy bear wrestling.

It's not a hopeless cause and, IMO, it gets a little better as life progresses. Eventually, through effort, aspies do tend to become a little more domesticated while life has transformed the NT's into feral Prozac infused emotional basket cases. By the time we're all 70, everyone's on the spectrum. Unlike the NT's, I'm already figuring that my best days are ahead of me.

I think its because people tend to look for certain signs and signals which they might not be getting from an aspie.. also people look for a connection which might not obvious with an aspie.. these are just guesses

1. Some of us don't want dates at all.

2. We may have been
emotionally/psychologically brainwashed by our
own families into believing dating is a wrong way
for us to socialize.

3. We may tell the truth a little too often
about ourselves and whoever we date.

4. Some refuse to understand our mannerisms,
or refuse to believe in the existence of AS.

oh dear, the dating headache, the very thought threatens a nosebleed of the century.

That's a good point.Especially when meeting someone for the first time ,without any backround to what people with AS can be like it would be easy to assume that they are not interested.I am only speculating but I know I don't particularly make a good first impression and often can come across as weird .It's only through repeated exposure to me do people get to see beyond my weirdness.

to me dates and love just aren't a big issues in life, if i get asked i'll accept it but i won't ever crave it like all other people do
if that's what my life is about.. give me a big bridge because i'm about to end my life really.
another thing is that i can't have a serious conversation with people of my age and i would have to date with people way older then me.

My problem with dating has been reading the signals. I've had several female friends that I think were interested in dating, but I didn't pick up on it until it was too late. I basically started dating my last girlfriend without even knowing it; I thought we were just close friends and she thought of us as a couple for about a year before I caught on. After that relationship ended I had another female "friend" that I thought was interested, who eventually told me that she didn't even like me in a platonic sense.

In the rare instance where I get a date, my inability to make small talk generally prevents things from going anywhere.

We don't pick up on body language well or cues that someone is interested

We don't understand the rules of meeting someone so we may not do what we are supposed to do and the other person misinterprets that as us not being interested

We don't socialize well

We are shy or nervous and we don't know how to ask someone out



My experience has been that some men would talk to me and I would sense that they like me and were interested in me but they would never ask for my phone number or nothing or even ask me out. I would then think maybe they were just being friendly, not that they were interested. Maybe I missed something here. Maybe I was supposed to ask them out or ask for their number. Maybe my body language wasn't right, maybe it was my lack of eye contact. Maybe I didn't hold onto the conversation very well.

1. Sincerity is the worst policy with females, I learned that the hard way.

2. Women LOVE to talk, gossip, and laugh. We are not good in maintaining a non-creepy conversation or making women laugh.

3. Women have an abyss of unwritten rules that makes the Bible look like a short brochure. Aspies for the most part are clueless even of the most basic social conventions, so no luck there.

4. Contrary to what women say in wanting a nice guy, they require some degree of asshole-ness to like a guy. I've been told repeatedly "you're so nice", and I've discovered that's girl's way of saying "your such a eunuch".

5. Women are attracted to confidence. I don't think many male aspies have much of an "external" ego, so we're not going overflow with confidence, even at times when inside we are.

...so on and so forth. And now I'm depressed...

Hey now, just cuz you want to be with a girl doesn't mean you just want in her pants. Of course I want in my girlfriend's pants, but that's not all I want, or I'd try to find a friend with benefits, not a girlfriend.

Really? You've come to realize that the girl who vents to you cares more about you than you realize? I haven't had a ton of experience with this, but it was never true for me. And usually being in the friend zone is as far as it goes. It's like the dead zone. Once you're sucked in, you can't ever escape.

I've been what I now know is called an "intellectual whore," that is, the guy the girl vents to about her boyfriend all the time, only to not listen to a damn word he says or take any of his advice, and then blow him off to go be with the guy who's upsetting her and causing the need to vent in the first place... It's a vicious cycle. Screw that, she can deal with her own damn problems. I'm so sick of hearing girls complain about how they just wish they could find a nice guy... BS. There are plenty of nice guys around, plenty that have even shown interest in them, but they'll never seek out that nice guy, and he'll always get turned down. If they really want a nice guy, why are they always with as*holes?

Back when I was an intellectual whore, I told the girl how I felt about her multiple times, but it never mattered. I guess I wasn't good looking enough for her or whatever, I don't know, but dealing with her crap drove me crazy. She "just wants a nice guy(yeah, like every other female... whatever)," she acknowledges that I'm nice and make her laugh and all this crap that she supposedly enjoys, but of course it never amounts to anything more than me being a shoulder for her to cry on, and an ear for her to vent to. She was so distraught over how her boyfriend at the time treated her, but she still wanted to be with him, and she blew me off to be with him far too often... Then there were times when we were all 3 hanging out together. One would go to "get a beer" or something, another would leave shortly after to "go to the bathroom," and then after waiting about 10 minutes, I found them f*****g somewhere... So "friend" isn't even the right word. You don't do that s**t to a friend. I won't ever be anyone's handkerchief again, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else either. Stay away from the "friend" zone. It's a misnomer anyway, and it'll just hurt you anyway.

Plus, even if you could be her ACTUAL friend, to me it would kinda be like if you put a lion on a giant hamster wheel and dangled a steak in front of it... It's RIGHT FRIGGIN' THERE, but no matter how fast you run, you'll never catch it... No thanks. And if I feel romantically attached to someone, I can't just be their friend. It just doesn't work, at least not for me.