The wonderful world of online dating

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murphycop
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24 Jan 2011, 2:35 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

I think i meant "out" aspies. I checked it out, i remember there used to be lots of quizzes there. I'm not sure what to make of it now, but the front page is pretty nice.

The best thing is typing in keywords, you could type aspergers, and you'll probably get some aspies come up.

Not much on the search of asperger's but aspies yes.

Or that

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Laz
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24 Jan 2011, 6:37 pm

I was wondering how people mustered the mental energy to make the effort of messaging people.

See I just find all the effort you have to put in to read profiles to disseminate what they are like as a person from information who's quality can vary significantly depending on the writing style and skill of the person involved is one hurdle to cross. You then have to compose a message to them that is just another hurdle to cross.a really big boulder of a mountain for me as what to actually say to someone just seems to not be straight forward in the slighest, well unless I resort to sarcasm and dada humour then its pretty straight foward cause im pretty much taking the piss ouf them then which is kinda counter-productive...but anyway.

The effort just seems completly over the top for me when I can go on forums such as this place and talk to people I share a mutual interest in that seems to be a far more natural way of approaching people to me. Even IRL that seems an easier effort to make and supposidly being an aspie that should be the hardest for me.

Where do you people get your batteries from for your mental faculties cause mine seem to run out far too quickly for my liking

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Zur-Darkstar
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24 Jan 2011, 10:31 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Zur-Darkstar wrote:

I actually just started OKCupid a few weeks ago and I'm already talking to someone there. What were you expecting? It takes time and effort regardless of whether you try to meet women on or offline. Furthermore, being aspies, we should expect to take longer and work harder at it than NTs would, because it's not something our natural instincts are all that suited for. Keep a positive attitude and be confident.

I also disclose my Asperger's, so that's three. I'm pretty honest and upfront about who I am and what I want. It's a screening tool. I could walk up and start conversations with random people, but if I can get some idea what the person is like, I can avoid wasting time on people that I am totally wrong for. If a girl doesn't like that I have Asperger's, or that I'm introverted and not very social, she can click the next profile. For me, it's a question of efficiency. I have only so much time and energy to spend on socializing and I'd better be efficient about using it. I feel like I'm more likely to meet other shy, introverted people on those sites than in public places or randomly in my day to day interactions.

To the poster that got responses by making his profile as crazy as possible, consider the old marketing adage that "there's no such thing as bad publicity". It means that anything that draws attention to you is good. In those sites, there are so many profiles that look exactly the same, the key is to make yours different on purpose. Ultimately, if you go on and get involved with someone, it won't matter what silly thing you said to make her notice you.

I can deal with outing my aspergers on a dating site, but the big problem i have is that my online identity is separate from my real life identity. I post things on here that otherwise I would only confide in with a very close friend or a significant other. I don't go around in the real world talking about how unlovable I am; I come here to do that. I am much more open online than in the real world because online friends don't know who I am in real life. I don't ever display my picture online (except on my facebook, which I only have real life friends on), nor my real name. So I'm having trouble with making that kind of a move on my OKCupid profile. Subsequently, I don't get any messages (because, seriously, who wants to message the guy with no picture?)

If your online identity is sufficiently different from your real self that you feel dishonest, that's a separate issue. It's easy to be someone you're really not over the Internet. For me though, my online personality is actually closer to the "real" me because I can communicate much better in writing. I'm just choosing the venue that allows me to "put my best foot forward". I'm fairly comfortable talking about myself IRL too, perhaps too much so at times. Talking about how unlovable you are is probably not a good idea anywhere. IMHO, losing the self-pity should be step number one if you want to date on or offline.

Yensid
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24 Jan 2011, 10:39 pm

Laz wrote:

Where do you people get your batteries from for your mental faculties cause mine seem to run out far too quickly for my liking

I had a few days off from work, so I could put more time into online dating. I find that large quantities of sleep and being able to switch to a somewhat nocturnal schedule help my energy levels a lot.

Even then, I found that I've drawn far too heavily on my energy reserves and I'm paying for it now. Generally, when I overextend myself, I find that my old enemies, severe depression and general anxiety, reappear.

I'll probably limit my activity to a more moderate level from now on. I'm in no rush.

Laz
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25 Jan 2011, 5:37 am

Yensid

Your experiances make sense to me. I would be curious to know if you are able to recognise when you have overextended yourself? I find it difficult to recognise when i have reached my limitations and will keep going regardless. It is only in the aftermath of the experiance i realise that i was actually depressed. It leaves me somewhat at risk of burnout that I don't seem to have a brake or emergency stop button in my brain.

I can see that over the weekend I was depressed but I am only now aware I was having reflected on the feelings several days later and concluding from my behaviour that this is what i experianced.

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Mike_the_EE
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25 Jan 2011, 5:47 am

Laz wrote:

I was wondering how people mustered the mental energy to make the effort of messaging people.

That's my problem as well! It takes so much time and so much effort to participate in a message exchange. By the time I finish a day of work and my home chores, I'll have maybe an hour to my self. I can easily spend that entire time answering a single message. That makes it so hard to decide who to message. Would it be worth the time and effort?

ShadesOfMe
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25 Jan 2011, 6:27 am

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

I think i meant "out" aspies. I checked it out, i remember there used to be lots of quizzes there. I'm not sure what to make of it now, but the front page is pretty nice.

The best thing is typing in keywords, you could type aspergers, and you'll probably get some aspies come up.

Not much on the search of asperger's but aspies yes.

Or that

Lots of interesting aspies, but none near by or the current gender i'm looking for.

HopefulRomantic
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25 Jan 2011, 8:06 am

ShadesOfMe wrote:

HopefulRomantic wrote:

Yahoo Personals worked great for me! Match was OK! I like OKCupid because it has a very intricate matching system based upon how the two respondents answered questions. All I know is when I answered the questions with as much honesty as I could muster. So far, so good for me!!

Leslie

I'm not very good with Answering questions about myself. One day I might answer one way and the next another. I think Maybe I will sign up with my spam email, and if things go well I will change it to my real email.

Does anyone else feel embarrassed to be looking for dates on dating sites?

Can you delete your profile if you want to?

Update: made an account and am answering questions! this is a little bit scary!

I have never felt embarrassed to be dating on the Internet. The upside is that it enables me to cast a wide net and encounter people I would otherwise never have a chance of meeting through any other venue! My chosen paradigm is to be as candid (safely so of course) as I can muster so that I paint an accurate portrait of myself. As with anything in life, honesty is the best policy! If you tell the truth up front, then you have no worries because someone will know who you are and what you stand for!

End of the day, if the right chemistry and synergy exists between two viable romantic matches, it will shine through!

Leslie

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25 Jan 2011, 10:37 am

Laz wrote:

what to actually say to someone just seems to not be straight forward in the slighest, well unless I resort to sarcasm and dada humour then its pretty straight foward

Hey Laz. It kinda works for me sometimes. Outright pisstaking might not get a result, but I dunno. I think girls like a little bit of teasing. You're a funny guy, I think you should use that.

Just don't put too much effort in too early. Start small, if promise reveals itself, then you can maybe put a bit more effort in/get a bit deeper.

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ToadOfSteel
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25 Jan 2011, 11:15 am

Zur-Darkstar wrote:

I don't feel "dishonest" online; if anything I feel closer to my real self. But people in the real world don't want to hear my problems, so out there I shut up. But if anyone in the real world associated to my online persona (which could happen if I allow people I only know online to see my real face), then everyone I know in real life would hear all my ramblings again. And I think most people I know in real life would act up like Kilroy than try to actually be of any help.

murphycop
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25 Jan 2011, 12:38 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

murphycop wrote:

ShadesOfMe wrote:

I think i meant "out" aspies. I checked it out, i remember there used to be lots of quizzes there. I'm not sure what to make of it now, but the front page is pretty nice.

The best thing is typing in keywords, you could type aspergers, and you'll probably get some aspies come up.

Not much on the search of asperger's but aspies yes.

Or that

Lots of interesting aspies, but none near by or the current gender i'm looking for.

Whats the current gender you're looking for?

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Zur-Darkstar
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25 Jan 2011, 1:07 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Zur-Darkstar wrote:

If you want to talk about your problems, this is not a bad place because it's sort of a support group. Seems like what you're saying is you wouldn't want co-workers and such to know the things you said online. That is something we can all appreciate. I wouldn't want my boss to hear everything I said here, or everything I said in my home life, but the Internet is a public venue so that risk is there. There's not much of a way around that. If you're around as*holes that would pick on you for online dating, don't hang around them. That's easy. Life's too short to waste time trying to please jackasses. If it's coworkers and you're stuck with them, consider complaining to your boss and threatening to sue for harassment based on disability (AS). Most companies take this very seriously because they don't want to spend money defending a lawsuit. It's not a very nice tactic and nobody is going to like you for doing it, but unfortunately, sometimes the only way to get respect is to be just as nasty or nastier than the people you want respect from.

Yensid
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25 Jan 2011, 4:34 pm

Laz wrote:

Your experiances make sense to me. I would be curious to know if you are able to recognise when you have overextended yourself? I find it difficult to recognise when i have reached my limitations and will keep going regardless. It is only in the aftermath of the experiance i realise that i was actually depressed. It leaves me somewhat at risk of burnout that I don't seem to have a brake or emergency stop button in my brain.

Laz,

I am able to recognize when I am reaching my limits. Like you, however, being aware that I'm pushing myself to far is not sufficient. I tend to push myself even further, regardless. I often find myself thinking that I just want to do a little more, or I feel that what I am doing is important enough to be worth overextending myself. I sometimes feel that what I am doing is so important that I don't care about the consequences.

All I can say is that the important thing is to recognize that what you are doing is not as important as you may think it is, and it is time to stop, rest, and recover. I am a lot better at doing that than I used to be, but it is still a challenge.

Laz wrote:

I can see that over the weekend I was depressed but I am only now aware I was having reflected on the feelings several days later and concluding from my behaviour that this is what i experianced.

I do recognize when I am getting depressed. My problem is that I have to remind myself to take care of it.

JazzofLife
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25 Jan 2011, 9:38 pm

I'm letting the world know I came out of the "autism closet" on Monday night, when I gave my first presentation ever before people and telling them about my life with AS. It went great, and I spoke for 90 minutes.

I reflected on last night, and I feel I am ready to date. I am very outgoing for someone having AS. Because I spent all my life living in the NT world, I haven't been around many others who have AS. That will change once my support and social group for AS/HFA adults gets going in April. I am more than excited, because I'm looking forward to "coming home" and being with my fellow Aspies and encouraging them. So this will be a new experience for me.

I was diagnosed officially in 2007 with both AS and AD/HD combined. So, I've learned to adjust to two different things at about the same time.

My preference is to date people locally in the Greater Chattanooga (TN) area, as opposed to doing the online thing. I've had a good number of long distance relationships, and none of them ever worked out in the end. I would need to have a very good reason as to why I would consider going through another long distance relationship. I just don't see it happening, which is fine with me totally. Now that things are going great in my life, because I have moved past everything in my life, I can begin to focus on the dating side of things.

Jazz

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HopefulRomantic
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26 Jan 2011, 7:57 am

Laz wrote:

Having never used these kind of sites until recently, i was rather shocked at how much effort and work they actually involve.

I find it so much easier just to meet people out of common interest or in person. It just doesn't feel a natural environment at all regardless of how they lay out an online dating site. It's just not me...

What happened to just talking to people, is that a novelty these days? I realise going up and talking to strangers in a place like London is a sure set way of getting you labelled as a weirdo, a criminal or a naieve tourist but occasionally you do get better responses out of people from a human conversation

Laz,

I agree in that the optimal way to meet vaible romantic matches is in person or out of common interest. It's great when you can meet someone at college, a club (hobby) or through other people you know (say at a party or some other social gathering)!

I'm in the predicament in which a lot of my friends just don't know anyone single and in my age range. So, the Internet affords the opportunity to meet a vast population of men who meet some of my criteria (my laundry list so to speak)! When a guy spends a lot of time on his profile write up and it smacks of high intelligence and some common interests and attitudes - my radar starts buzzing!

And I start thinking HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....... this guy just might be interesting!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Leslie
Leslie

HopefulRomantic
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26 Jan 2011, 8:04 am

ShadesOfMe wrote:

HopefulRomantic wrote:

ShadesofMe,

Congratulations on making an account and putting yourself out there! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! I guarantee you that you should not feel embarrassed about dating on the Internet!

The cruz of the matter is that you are making a concerted effort. In all seriousness, isn't it kind of exciting and exhilirating in all the possibilites that if affords? I have always said the most interesting animal is the human animal. As with anything in life, there are some worthwhile, intelligent, really cool people out there on the Internet. For me, it's all about quality - not quantity!

I'm a firm believer that Hope does spring eternal! Go Get 'Em Tiger!

Please keep us posted about your progress! And should you get discouraged or need to rant - we are here!

Leslie - a Hopeful Romantic

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