Anybody who doesn´t like weddings?

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you are kind, Tequila. thank you! and i googled Lucio Fulci eeek!

The Smuggler is one of his highlights. In the film is this truly wonderfully cheesy disco track:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yV1RTQvW-hs[/youtube]

And as for Lucio Fulci, I had this film in mind:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViXN7D3E7aI[/youtube]

Especially that scene with Olga Karlatos.

I agree that there's no such thing as "true love", or at least that it's rare enough to be virtually nonexistent. It's a myth constantly being perpetuated by society and it's really very harmful. Consider that half of all marriages end in divorce, and I can't help but wonder how many more just limp along to the bitter end.

But love - yes, that exists, and if you put in the effort it can last a very long time. I've been with my partner for ten years now, hitched for half that. We started out with the lusty burning love that most people seem to think of, but after all this time that has been replaced by a comfortable codependency. We're so used to each other that it's weird when our routine is disrupted. If something were to happen to one of us, the other would be devastated by the loss because our lives are so entwined. I love my partner, though he's not perfect and neither am I and there are times we just don't *get* each other even now. It's not this magical instant connection that true love implies. It's not that we were fated to be together. We very nearly weren't, and there were a couple of occasions that I could well have walked out. But I chose to stay, and work through that, and it's become part of the relationship, making it stronger.

In essence - true love doesn't exist. Real love does, but it's bloody hard work to maintain it. And worth the effort.

I agree completely with Thom. I don't believe that abstract, idealistic concepts like "true love" and "soul mates" exist.

Nothing is ever absolute. Ponder the impossible trueness of that statement. I think I'll have to work that into my signature.

Robsten, I hope your user name isn't as Twilight-y as it seems, cuz you know they're gettin married in the next flick, right?

whoa, there. the 50% of marriages ending in divorce thing is a myth. people just like perpetuating it for some reason.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/divorce.htm

currently, it's at about 1/3. still not great, but not as bad as 1/2.

we seem to have our own definitions here... true love in my eyes doesn't mean that it has to last forever and ever, or even that it has to be with one person. what i do NOT believe in is "soul mates" or "ONE true love" which seems to be what you are considering "true love".

your experiences are not necessarily universal.... the shape that your marriage took is not the shape of every marriage, so i caution you against applying it outwardly. same thing for a definition of "true love". probably we are not even talking about the same thing.

I think that you had better explain your definition of "true love" then, hyperlexian, because my understanding of the way that most people use it is in reference that one person who is perfect for you in every way or blah blah. Like in fairytales. Happily ever after and whatnot.

it's easier to tell you what i think true love is NOT. i believe true love is not to be mistaken for the relationship; one doesn't necessarily imply the other, and a relationship may not work in spite of the true love. to me, it is NOT infatuation or familial love or friendship or companionship. in my opinion true love is also not necessarily exclusive or one-time-only (depending on the people involved), and it should not be mistaken for any kind of "soul mate" (i don't believe in souls so it isn't logical to me).

to me, true love is to be truly, madly, deeply, in love - in a romantic sense. i can't define love itself very well, though. people tend to push their definitions of that and i don't think it means the same thing to everyone either!

That could be a long list. It's not an elephant in a jacuzzi. It's not the third division of the Bolivian light infantry. It's not an orange peel curled counter-clockwise around a pencil. It's not a shade of blue between navy and cerrulean. It's not the Cyberdemon from E2M8 of Doom. It's not a box of argon and hydrogen atoms arranged in a chequerboard pattern. Or even a tartan pattern...

Damn, I'm thinking of a scene from The Cat In The Hat now. In order to find something he can't describe, he has the children mark an X on everything it is not. It doesn't work.



Fundamentally, a relationship is a business transaction. Each side gets something from the other, and the relationship will work as long as the perceived values on each side are about equal. A one-sided relationship fosters resentment. So yes, a relationship can work despite love and may well work better without the romantic distraction.



Love is very badly defined. After a lot of thought on the subject I eventually realised that there are about six different things all called "love" and the definitions get confabulated. No wonder people are confused!

The romantic thing is pretty much a drug addiction - it has the same effect on brain chemistry, and causes the same social issues. Being in love feels great. Being around someone else who's in love is damned uncomfortable. It's like them being drunk or stoned, all the time, and their entire personality changes. They get obsessed with their fix. Their work suffers. Their social life suffers. Their finances suffer - any drug habit will turn out expensive, and love is no exception. And one day they sober up, and realise that the love of their life has suddenly changed. Where's the voluptuous goddess they fell for? Suddenly they're living with a human being with flaws and their own interests and the sex has dried up and they can't do anything they used to do. No, that burning romantic love is a dangerous drug addiction. It doesn't cause this level of harm to everyone - some sober up quickly, some slowly, and they don't always get a hangover - and it can even develop into something good if the relationship itself is solid. If it's built on romance and love, it'll fall apart when the magic goes. Learning to control your addiction is key - it's the difference between social drinking, which can make you feel happy and makes relationships move along nicely, and alcoholism, which is a slow march to death and despair.

I didn't figure all this out at once. But I'd be in a terrible mess today if I didn't get a grip on my feelings over a decade ago. Instead I have a good relationship, built on a solid foundation and lots of shared experience, so when those dark periods come by where the love wears thin, we get by until we find it again.

Sorry, that turned into something of a rant.



Sorry, so just a third of marriages fall apart in legal proceedings. I still wouldn't want to bet my house on those odds, which is exactly what you're doing when you marry. Sure, your partner isn't one day going to turn into a hate-filled psycho out to screw you for every penny they can get and take the kids away so you only see them every other weekend. And take a cut of your money whether you get to see them or not, every month, for the rest of your working life. But that's what everyone thinks, and a third of them were wrong...

I would mention that a good portion of the other 2/3 end in separation (still married, but no longer living together) and that's not to mention the affairs, the runaways and the occasional murder. Divorce is expensive.

The divorce rate has declined because more people are opting for cohabitation over marriage, even when children are involved. The distinction is meaningless to me.

mmmm i don't think so. i really don't think it is necessarily fair or equal, but people make it work anyways because they care to. i do believe that a focus on transactions as opposed to giving of oneself is not really healthy for a relationship as it commodifies everything and creates a push-pull/provide-withhold/give-take situation, which leads to a sense of entitlement and i believe a loss of true affection. if you give hugs because you will get sex, then over time you stop giving hugs to make the other person feel good unless you get what you think you deserve. in that situation everything has a price tag and an egocentric motivation.


i am really not seeing the harm you are talking about, but it makes me sad to think of people "sobering up" like that. it sounds depressing and rather empty. not every relationship becomes like that, which i am thankful for. i think you are judging other people's situations with your own filter, and it isn't necessarily an accurate assessment.


a "solid foundation" doesn't sound happy.


perhaps if you remove the sense of entitlement (among other problems) from separation and divorce, then the anger and bitterness can evaporate too (see my analysis of "transactions" above). i think it's not divorce that is the problem, because sometimes things just don't work or people change and want different things or whatever... it's the marriages and the individuals within them that are the problem before divorce. blame, entitlement, fear, self-centredness... there are many causes of disharmony that carry from the marriage to the divorce. divorcce doesn't turn people into monsters - the monster was always there.

i don't think that sticking it out to the bitter end is a valuable experience in a lot of cases, and in fact i've often thought unhappy couples would be better off divorced.


it doesn't have to be expensive. you can choose how you behave within a marriage and after it ends, and it has a great effect on the other partner. it is possible to be just as harmonious after the marriage comes to a close. (my current therapist wants me to write a book about how to go about it, my last therapist said i should run workshops... but i think it's all silly. it is the people who are the problem, not their difficult divorce proceedings, and i cannot change them).


i didn't speak of the decline. it was never 50% of marriages that ended in divorce, so the statistic is inaccurate.people throw it around like it has some sort of meaning, and it is a made-up number.

I happen to like weddings as they typically entail free food and cake.

I have nothing against weddings in particular but monogamy doesn't really work for me. I don't think I even want to be married too.

I have nothing against weddings but monogamy doesn't really work for me. I don't think I even want to be married too.

I've never been to one. But I probably won't like them as I have the attention span of a 3 year old.

I'm going to be in one soon, too.

My mom has been married 4 times. I was married and I'm never doing that again.

I still wish to be in love again though and I know love doesn't require you to be married.
....... and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting invited to anyones wedding !