Dating sites. Are they worth it?

Post Reply New Topic

For me, text-based communication is far more "natural" than the pain I'd endure trying to talk with someone face to face.
I don't know what "flow" you mean- the information I'd need to know about someone is just as easily (more so!) exchanged online.
I can't make eye contact, and constantly worry about saying the wrong thing, and am prone to bursting into tears in real life.

I actually thought text-based interaction, devoid as it is of such themes as vocal inflection, and endless varieties of body language and posture which NT's apparently read into intuitively, was a primary reason many Aspies are so internet-savy?

The differences in communicative medium aside, I have no idea how I'd even find someone to date, let alone someone I'm compatible with, in real life. I go to school, come home, and repeat, with the only exceptions being perfunctory trips to the grocery store and a biweekly theatre group- no one talks to me, and I don't know what to say to them, and wandering up to people asking if they're a single feminist vegan while I stare at their shoes seems a good way to alienate people.

I'm chuckling to myself. This is so true.

Aspies usually start online. They usually end up with a cute roommate. Sometimes with the paperwork they call, marriage.

If that's your goal, I'd build just enough "in between" skills to make the transition when you're ready.

Build a relationship online until you're comfortable and confident, text and phone a little until you're confident, then try an in-person date. And hopefully another one.

Skill building, until you're ready to commit.

I haven't had good experiences on POF. . .in fact that's where I met a lot of the guys with no self-confidence/rejection issues that I mentioned in another thread.

I do get tons and tons of messages (not hundreds per day but yes, sometimes dozens), even when I haven't logged onto the site in weeks. Now that they have the new "I want to meet this person" thing where you don't even have to write a message I get even more. But I've had such bad luck that I don't even check my messages anymore. I also had to turn the chat off because every time I got online I would get bombarded with IM's. It seems a lot of guys on that site (at least where I live) don't know how to have an intelligent conversation, only want a one-night stand, or they have girlfriends/wives/baby mommas. I can't tell you how many angry messages and texts I've gotten from girls who found out that their guy was pretending to be single.

I'm not really super-attractive. . . is anyone else who's replied to this not white? I get a lot of people that want to "try" a different race or fetishize me

I would call it moderately uncultured. The structure of the site encourages quick dates.



That's something I'd expect more from datehookup.com. Interesting people though.



Okcupid has a few more filters in place. It's less of a zoo.



The pay sites don't have IM for this very reason. The guys are out looking, and the woman wants to read her messages in peace.

What's funny is on POF I didn't really get quick dates- Most of the guys wanted to jump into relationships.

Well I don't know why I'm saying "Most".. I had 2 relationships because of that site but they didn't last long- the last was 4 months and it was so terrible I had a nervous breakdown afterward. I haven't met many people on that site because. . . well this sounds horrible but if they send messages that sound completely stupid, or everything is spelled wrong or they are like "YO BABY GURL KNO WHAT IM SAYIN" then I don't even answer them. I don't want to be around someone who instantly annoys me.

How do the OkCupid filters help? These guys on POF were lying about being single (also, this has happened to me on Facebook even though Facebook is not a dating site contrary to however many people want to make it one!! !)

I'm registered for OkCupid, but only to take quizzes. I almost never get messages on there, and I don't even always get emails when I get messages so by the time I see them it's usually too late.

I actually had to put on my profile that I don't care about race because almost every message I got said "Do you like white guys?" (I'm black but where I live the majority of people are white, so naturally I ended up in relationships/friendships with white people and I think that question is stupid.)

Well I got a message from a black guy that said "Do you care about black guys though?" but I had already gotten so many other messages that I was trying to read them too, and within 2 messages he had sent me another message saying "OH I SEE HOW IT IS" and cussing me out because I didn't answer right away. I'm sure he would have been a great person to spend time with.

It's psychological. They (subtly) change the focus from the people to the web site. That lowers the testosterone level.

Seriously, it's a better place to build positive interactions.

No. In short you can easily fall for someone in writing that you'd have no chemistry with IRL, and it will happen. A few pictures typically won't be enough.

Thanks, I'll try going on there more often

The few times I have caught a message in time, the conversations just kind of fizzled out. . . I haven't met anyone on that site except people I already knew.

It's kind of funny- I got a lot of messages on POF from people that I went to college or even high school with. I wonder where they were then? (I guess it doesn't matter since most of them just wanted one night stands or are now married and thought that they could use me as a side dish. I wonder if I look like a skank or something?)

See, I don't get the "chemistry" thing. I still don't know what that even refers to.

I'd have to ask you this then; can you just date and be attracted to anyone who you put your mind to having that with or not? Do you feel a pull to certain people more than others? If its yes to the first question and no to the second then it might not be applicable to you.

I can't be attracted to someone based on a conscious decision.
I do feel a pull to certain people more than others.

But I still don't see how face-to-face interaction is objectively preferable.
I actually vastly prefer text-based scenarios to get to know someone better.

Text based are cognitive. It's easier to emote over the phone or in person.

I agree but, I've met so many people like that and had no attraction. It seems like I can't gauge attraction and the most important part, how their nonverbal communication meshes with mine, either by text or by phone.

I guess for some?
I can tell someone how I'm feeling much easier by typing it than saying it-
I have the option of editing what I want to say for clarity.

If you weren't attracted to them beforehand, why did you meet?
I mean...what about them did you find out which could only have been discovered via meeting?

Sorry to be nosy.

I guess I never really think about nonverbal communication, just literal content.

Lol, there's really no other way to say it - with my wiring I can't tell without meeting them. I can see pictures, think they look promising, conversations were great, and IRL it doesn't turn out like I thought. Alternately I've met people who had what I thought were horrible photographs but their nonverbal expressiveness and style completely changed that. To people outside that realm the experience I suppose would be a difficult one to describe.


How temperaments met nonverbally? How we influenced and lead each other nonverbally? The kinds of feelings we gave each other nonverbally? For me and, what I've noticed even moreso NT's - its huge, and its either there or its not. Still frames won't do it, maybe web cam could but - voice only or photographs won't get it done.