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blueroses
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11 Nov 2011, 7:10 pm

fraac wrote:
For a girl to love me I have to make her feel safe. That means we have to get into fun but risky situations where I'm the most reassuring thing around. I have no idea how this could possibly occur on a date.


That is something that come from building trust over time--being dependable, loyal, there for her when she is going through rough times, etc.



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11 Nov 2011, 7:10 pm

fraac wrote:
For a girl to love me I have to make her feel safe. That means we have to get into fun but risky situations where I'm the most reassuring thing around. I have no idea how this could possibly occur on a date.


Theme park. Ride the 'coaster. Be sure you don't have a reaction like throwing up first.

Usually the first date is pretty tame, like dinner or something, and you can build up from there.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Nov 2011, 7:12 pm

But the american way doesn't rule out the trust-building over time, that's why there's 1st date , 2nd date.....etc



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11 Nov 2011, 7:15 pm

blueroses wrote:
Sounds like your strategy is to try out that old adage about finding the right person when you're not looking.


Either you want someone or you don't. If you want someone and you're not looking, you're a moron.



fraac
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11 Nov 2011, 7:17 pm

But still the subtext constantly screaming "I'M TRYING TO DECIDE IF I LIKE YOU ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND MAYBE MORE" so blatantly that it's more text than subtext. Seems so inelegant. I could never do that.

Also, my favourite girls have boyfriends, because they're awesome and lovable so why wouldn't they? How do you date a girl with a boyfriend? Doesn't compute.



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12 Nov 2011, 12:27 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
SoftlyStepping wrote:
Chemistry is possible between any man and woman. It's biological.

I've got loads of experience to the contrary.

SoftlyStepping wrote:
And skill. Skill helps.

That misses a heck of a lot. People who end up on the outside permanently tend to fall into maybe four categories that I've noticed:

1) Low genetic ceiling on performance, ie. dorks who literally don't have it in them to be anything else.
2) Too intelligent - too far up the bell curve and get bored with anyone they meet.
3) To rare a personality or identity, tough to relate to.
4) (mostly for guys) Been too attractive too long, it went to their heads, and consequently got spoiled - can't settle on anyone.

I'm mostly 3 with maybe a dash of 2 and some 1 in the autonomic nervous senses. These are things as well that you don't and can't change yourself on, you can try smashing yourself down into something you aren't but even if you were about climbing upward, being something better than you are, and just do-or-die making it happen, you find out the hard way that no - your genes have a preference, you're pushing on an elastic wall, you'll run yourself ragged trying to stay outside your center and you'll start losing functioning on other areas as you do that. Then, the minute you relax, you slide right back to square one.

I've learned the hard way: there's no one else for me to be and there's nowhere else for my life to be right now. That said I'll let other people beat themselves over the heads with hypotheticals - I know I spent entirely too much of my life doing that and I'm done with it.


Spent too much time doing what? the American way or the British way?


What I intended to learn for this is. If American done will in UK, then American approach to dating would be more successful over here. Some dating books recommend the American approach but where do they get their research.



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12 Nov 2011, 12:54 am

fraac wrote:
But still the subtext constantly screaming "I'M TRYING TO DECIDE IF I LIKE YOU ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND MAYBE MORE" so blatantly that it's more text than subtext. Seems so inelegant. I could never do that.


Some guys actually use that as their text. It's like removing your clothes in a public place.



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12 Nov 2011, 1:36 am

Aspie_Chav wrote:
...black aspie...


That sounds like a dangerous snake. That instantly makes you cool.



hyperlexian
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12 Nov 2011, 2:44 am

fraac wrote:
For a girl to love me I have to make her feel safe. That means we have to get into fun but risky situations where I'm the most reassuring thing around. I have no idea how this could possibly occur on a date.

you are onto something there... i read something similar in Quirkology: The curious science of everyday life by Richard Wiseman:

http://richardwiseman.wordpress.com/qui ... yday-life/

if i recall correctly from the book, couples on a first date bonded closely when they shared an experience of mild fear (or embarrassment, as long as they were being goofy together).



Aspie_Chav
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13 Nov 2011, 4:24 pm

shrox wrote:
Aspie_Chav wrote:
...black aspie...


That sounds like a dangerous snake. That instantly makes you cool.



I am as cool as that black person version of family guy. If you think that NTs
have made me insane( especially the black ones, then you are right). There
was the time some teenagers was hanging around my sports mobile and climbing
into the neighbours yard. They got a taste of high frequency wave from some highly powerful bose speakers
, it was enough to make my neighbours cat screen, which it did. It was dancing like a catfish on a pole.

There was a time when someone in their car showed me the fingers. He broke up him exhaust pipe on the road humps
trying to get away from me. Good that v6 suv did come in handy.

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Aspie_Chav
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14 Nov 2011, 1:50 am

I think the British way is having consequence on our society. Where those who are expert at social networking
and a lot of drinking, and not much else, are having more children. In the generations to come, you will see
a stark difference between Americans and British.

You work hard in Britain, you are left behind, while others are building networks of friend and
relationships.

You work hard in America, you are well respected and usually more attractive as a result. You leave the office
late, DRIVE down to a bar, sober and find a nice girl.



techstepgenr8tion
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14 Nov 2011, 4:50 am

Aspie_Chav wrote:
You work hard in America, you are well respected and usually more attractive as a result. You leave the office
late, DRIVE down to a bar, sober and find a nice girl.
I can tell from this that you've never been here.

From what you're saying though about Britain it sounds like the same types of NT's who are successful over here are successful over there and the 'responsible' types either find another much more old fashion venue, have a rare moment of luck at a bar where quality meets opportunity, or go on single, but in most cases it sounds like outcome is roughly identical. IMO you're not seeing the failings of the 'British' system so much as the tendencies of the human primate all across the board.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Nov 2011, 6:26 am

You're forgetting the hypergamy, Pole women like Brits, Brit women like Americans.
Lebanese would like all the above.

The wealthier/Stronger your tribe is, the more attractive to the weaker tribe you are.



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14 Nov 2011, 9:23 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Aspie_Chav wrote:
You work hard in America, you are well respected and usually more attractive as a result. You leave the office
late, DRIVE down to a bar, sober and find a nice girl.
I can tell from this that you've never been here.

From what you're saying though about Britain it sounds like the same types of NT's who are successful over here are successful over there and the 'responsible' types either find another much more old fashion venue, have a rare moment of luck at a bar where quality meets opportunity, or go on single, but in most cases it sounds like outcome is roughly identical. IMO you're not seeing the failings of the 'British' system so much as the tendencies of the human primate all across the board.


The truth is that there are more chavs and rudeboys over here then the States. If they had to live in the US, their high status would be brought down a peg or two. They woundn't have the money to spend on fags and booze. They would find it hard to get home from the boozer with 4 lane interstate freeway in between. And no rude boy would have an harem of women in council
apartments supported by state.

I leave it up you to imagination what kind of people would do well living in the states..



techstepgenr8tion
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14 Nov 2011, 10:00 am

Aspie_Chav wrote:
The truth is that there are more chavs and rudeboys over here then the States. If they had to live in the US, their high status would be brought down a peg or two. They woundn't have the money to spend on fags and booze. They would find it hard to get home from the boozer with 4 lane interstate freeway in between. And no rude boy would have an harem of women in council
apartments supported by state.

I leave it up you to imagination what kind of people would do well living in the states..

Lol, I'm not lost on the chav problem. The problem here though is still, if you're hoping that America is this nice clean environment where being successful in business exceeds macho or social charisma any day of the week - there are a lot of other Americans here who can verify that its not true. If you're not a bag of laughs you're in trouble. If you're not a paragon of social conformity who knows exactly what to do, say, or think, the right posture, etc. you're in trouble. If you have those things, even if you don't have money or much success, you may not have great long term relationships and you may be penning more child support checks than counting great relationships you had but you will be the guy who women are up for slumming with and a good guy trying to go to a bar and meet women is completely out of his element over here as well. Being an aspie here is being an aspie there or anywhere else it seems, we lack the social protocol and ability and from that we typically find out just how much social skills matter and just how much it strikes a nerve with the opposite sex (these days male or female for that matter) when you don't have them or don't have your life history lived along the prescribed narrative. The one benefit of one person going anywhere else is that they're exotic meat - whether that's a Brit coming to the US or an American going to the UK, it can give you some mileage - maybe not tons but some.


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shrox
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14 Nov 2011, 1:57 pm

During my three months in Redruth, I found the village charming, and the drinking shocking, but I soon adapted. Every weekend night an ambulance sits outside The Rose Cottage (The Rottage as we called it) ready for alcohol overdoses and stitching up people after fights. 18 is the drinking age, but I swear they let Harry Potter looking 15 year olds drink.

No one ever bothered me, but they could tell I was an American from about 6 blocks away. I had a great time there. I miss the Trefusis Arms...

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