Hardest Break-Up... Please help.

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Yes, that is how this works. There are predators in life and they prey on the kindness of others. That is not to say you shouldn't be kind, and or forgiving, but you should not minimize the value of your kindness and you should only give it to people who deserve it and who will not exploit it. Protecting yourself does not make you a bad person.

Thank you everyone. I have not spoken to him for a week now, and I've blocked him in every way that I can (barring changing my phone number, because erasing his texts and ignoring his calls has worked), so I'm feeling much more separated. Having him completely out of my life like this is leaving a bit of a void, but the past few days I've been very close to my family and a few close friends, as well as being involved in schoolwork and my job, so it's not bad. Things are slowly, very slowly, going back to square one.

Two things though: 1) He is attending the same university as me, and he's the same major. I've already signed up for my classes in the Spring; what if he signs up for the same ones at the same hours? I'm not sure I could handle it...
2) The very last thing I've gotten wind of is that he's started contacting his old girlfriend, who I know was verbally/psychologically beaten down by him just like I was. I truly wish I could warn her to not give in to him, because she seemed so miserable around him when they were dating, just from what I remember. But that's out of my hands, and I suppose I can selfishly be grateful that it's not me that he's going after.

If things continue the way they are in my life, I believe I can fully start recovery. I am still seeing my counselor, and I want to apologize to him for not listening to his warnings. The same goes for my parents as well, for they warned me well before things truly got out of hand. It's strange how parents can truly be knowledgeable, but we don't find that out until it's nearly or already too late.

To those of you posting all the sociopathic or psychopathic comments, I understand where you're coming from; however, I don't believe it fully fits this situation, because it never fully manifested, if it even were to manifest. For example, there was never a 'Honeymoon' phase between us until after I officially broke up with him. The word 'Sorry' never passed his lips in a genuine manner. But it is useful information, nonetheless. I more recently listened to an audio book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does He Do That?" and that hit closer to this situation than anything so far. I would have liked to hear more on the psychological effects of abuse from him, but he generally hit the nail on the head.

One last thing, I do believe that my ex has seen this message, because anyone can view forums like this, and he knows my usual screen name (mooniestar or some variant), but I do not believe I should hide things like this. I've done enough hiding already. If he wants to stalk me through a search engine, then so be it. Even if there are ways to be invisible for this, or any site, I don't think I should go through the trouble. He knows my true thoughts, and the thoughts around mine, and that should be enough.

Either way, thank you for all of your kind words and messages. To reiterate, I am not getting back with him. It is truly over.

And you'll be knowledgeable from now on too. It's a bit dumb that we have to have these bad experiences in order to be put on the right path dating choice wise, but how else is there to learn? You seem assertive and smart enough to not make the same mistake and I reckon you'll come good from this.

Definately listen to the people around you when it comes to boyfriends etc. At the end of the day, family and friends are the only weapon of defense you have (the abusers know that too, hence why they try to cut you off from them).

mooniestar, i am so proud of you for being so strong! thanks for checking in with us.

mooniestar, I'm so glad to read of your progress. Lundy has a new book (cowritten) out now, called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" about how to assess the difference between difficult, ultimately-working relationships and ones that have no life or potential left in them.

I still believe that your boyfriend was abusive, TEXTBOOK-abusive, it doesn't really matter whether you want to apply the sociopath or psychopath labels. I think you're well shut of him.

I came up with a plan in a different context of a 'back-up' class.

For example, if a person is planning to take five classes, sign up for six, with the plan of dropping one that feels less promising. Now, this was in the old days when I first went to college way back in 1982, and then when I went back to college in '91, then back again in '97 and '98 (maybe my most successful foray). Yes, I did get a degree in psychology. I tried to go back for computers, but the main thing corporations look at is years of corporate experience, not a person's portfolio.

Anyway, a person used to be able to drop a class within the first twelve days and get a full refund. Texas now has this thing of seven lifetime drops but I'm not sure at what stage that kicks in.

As a second back-up plan, maybe tell him, 'Okay, we're going to need to sit in different parts of the class.' And if he's trying to be a decent guy, hopefully he'll go with this plan.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 27 Nov 2011, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The very last thing I've gotten wind of is that he's started contacting his old girlfriend, who I know was verbally/psychologically beaten down by him just like I was.

You ignored that red flag ??! !

I don't believe it fully fits this situation, because it never fully manifested, if it even were to manifest.

Your beliefs in this situation really do not have much value now do they? I mean in terms of accuracy, you have admitted that you are not so good at this.

Did you bother to look up the psychopathy test to see how it applies to your boyfriend?

regarding: but how else is there to learn? You seem assertive and smart enough to not make the same mistake and I reckon you'll come good from this.

We can learn by listening to others who have been there, and acquiring knowledge about what hurts without actually putting our hands into a fire. Also smart and assertive does not count so much. Such women also get into abusive relationships. They may even stay longer because being "smart and assertive" It could NEVER happen to them. Mooniestar needs to be on the lookout for bad behavior, and to have trusted associates --- peers, parents or others --- who can critique her choices. At least for a while. The danger is NOT completely passed.

With regard to classes. Speakd with the administrator or teacher about the possible problem. AVOID him all the time under all conditions. Prepare a statement that you show to one or more associates to get a consensus (we could do it here) and the first time that he comes up to you, give it to him, basically telling him, that if he approaches you again, that you will regard it as assault, and that he needs to stay the hell away from you.

DO NOT BACK DOWN. Read the check out the psychopathy test. It is short Also, why have you not already done so,. I assume that you have not, because, I think that if you had, you would have said, well, he only scored an 8 or 10.

@factotum666 Yes, technically I ignored that red flag, because at the time he had told me that his girlfriend was under major stress from getting away from her 'crazy' mother. I did not see it as a red flag from him, and I remember congratulating her on finally moving away, thinking "She's in a better place now". He made me think it was her mother causing all the symptoms of abuse, when all that time it was him.

I may be smart, but I'm not assertive. And I'm book smart, not people smart. Asperger's, remember? I can't read sarcasm well at all, and I take things seriously. People still confuse me, and this time I got taken advantage of. I fell for everything he told me... because I trusted him.

However, I still get the feeling that you're being accusatory of me not taking the psychopathy test. You sounded very impatient. mv recommended another Bancroft book to me, but they aren't demanding if I've read it or not. Anyway, if you want to know so badly, he got a 27. So please leave me alone about it. What pleasure do you get from interrogating me about how crazy psycho abusive my ex was? Please be more patient and understanding like everyone else has been, okay? This is not easy for me. I'm taking everything that everyone is saying into consideration.

@Aardvark I'm on a conditional financial situation, so I can only sign up for 12 classes maximum AND minimum, so that plan will not work for me. If he does have one or two classes with me, then I may have to take some measures further than just telling him to stay away from me. I'm not sure how the school handles these kinds of situations, but my counselor knows of my situation and could back me up. Honestly, my school schedule for next Spring is perfection, and I was lucky to get the classes and hours and days that I did, so I'm not giving it up.

@mv Thank you for the recommendation, I'll look into it.

It's been 9 months since my last update. I am completely free of this man, or rather man-child. I am now dating a very wonderful guy and I feel myself moving forward in life more than ever. I'm finally moving out this Fall on my own, which is a very big step for me. I'm no longer afraid of my ex, or people like him. I can see through all their tactics, but I haven't lost my optimism nor my sense of loyalty and trust. It's a great feeling.

The last time I saw him was at a school club with some friends and my current boyfriend, several weeks ago. He did not even look my way. I felt myself getting ill just being around him though and just knowing my abuser was there made me extremely uncomfortable. I had to quit the card game I was playing just to keep my wits for 5 minutes. However, just when I was beginning to move somewhere far away, or to hide in the bathroom for a while, my boyfriend clasped my hand and asked if I wanted to leave. He was giving me a way out and it was completely okay! And to top it all off, as we walked to the parking lot, he scooped me up and held me princess style until we reached my car.

I have never felt more loved

Anyway, this wraps up this time in my life. I have finally begun anew and closed that old chapter of my life... and will never look back. I'll give a final thank you to everyone who answered me and for everyone who encouraged me through this, all those months ago. Sorry for the late conclusion; I hope you will all forgive me! I feel very happy now and feel like I have some normalcy in life. Thank you! I truly am grateful!