Confused, please help

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I never had doubts about being with that person. We got along really well and he was my best friend at the time. I realize chemistry doesn't last forever, I would be content spending the rest of my life with my best friend.

Maxine Aston is not a scientist. The conclusions she presents are based on anecdotal evidence. Anecdotal evidence is still evidence, but when it's analyzed without the rigor of the scientific method, you typically end up with a lot of self-serving, subjective observations.

As to the specifics of your situation...does your bf know that you're not attracted to him? You've mentioned a few times that you're very open with each other, so I'm assuming that you've told him that you feel no chemistry with him. Is that okay with him? Does he feel chemistry with you? I'm asking because most people would not choose to be with someone who felt no attraction to them.

If he understands you're not attracted to him and he's chosen to pursue the relationship anyway, then he realizes your relationship is risky and that long-term happiness together may not be likely. But if he doesn't understand you're not attracted to him, then he's invested four years in an extraordinarily risky relationship - under false pretenses.

I don't know you or your background, but if your bf doesn't know about your lack of attraction, I imagine some of your motivation to end the relationship could be driven by guilt. Is that a possibility? I know you said you chose your bf because he would be acceptable to your family....but is that truly the only reason? I'm asking because it seems like an incredibly happy accident that the two of you get along as well as you do. I mean, you picked a guy purely to get your family off your back, and he winds up being your best friend? What are the odds? So....maybe this really isn't about a lack of attraction to him (cause he's not a bad boy - or at least doesn't look like a bad boy) - maybe this is about something inside you that refuses to accept that this straight-looking dude really could be your perfect match?

Or maybe this is some dynamic from your childhood working itself out....some conflict with a parent, perhaps. I'm really at a loss, because four years is an awfully long time to essentially pretend that a platonic relationship is a romantic relationship. I guess I'd expect you to be seething with resentment toward him (unwarranted, but still I'd be surprised that you weren't going nuts with frustration).

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you a few things to think about....I hope you're able to find a solution.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. My boyfriend knows exactly how I feel. I just couldn't keep this bottled up inside and I felt the urge to tell him. The first time I told him was when we were together for a year, then I told him again earlier this year in March and we even broke up for a little bit but not long enough for me to really see if this was what I really wanted. I felt a lot of anxiety and was really depressed but it might have been separation anxiety, I really don't know. The best friend that I was talking about in my other post was another boyfriend of mine from several years back. I would consider my current boyfriend my best friend as well, but it feels like he's in the friend zone although we're in a relationship. I'm not sure if my childhood is playing a part in this, I hope not. The doubts that I've had with our relationship would always come and go, but they would always come back. I really don't know if having doubts is normal, but I really don't like it because when I start to think about it, it's hard to think of anything else.

If you're going to break up with him, you need to weigh your options and consider accordingly.

How long is it going to be until you find someone else? I don't know your personal history, so for all i know you could have another guy the very next day, or you could be more like me and it could take years for anyone to even notice you, let alone someone you could get along with. And there's the myriad shades in between those two extremes.

Along with that, you need to consider if you'll be fine on your own. From what I can tell from your posts, it seems like you'll be okay in this department, but if on the off chance you're a loser like me (I don't actually think you are, but just in case that's how you feel) and feel like a worthless piece of s**t when you're alone, there is that to take into consideration as well.

Finally, you can communicate to your boyfriend that you have certain needs that arent being met in the relationship. Tell him clearly that if he doesn't do whatever to fulfill said needs, that you would have to break up. Either he will comply and maybe it can rejuvenate the relationship, or he will not and you can end it there with no qualms whatsoever. All that said, don't make your demands unreasonable for him to comply with. Relationships are about compromise, but it seems like you're doing all the giving here, and that's not healthy at all. Just make sure that it doesn't change into him doing all the giving.

Oh, and if you do break up with him, i recommend breaking off all contact. Yes it's painful for a while, but trying to go from a relationship back to friends doesn't really work that well for aspies. I know that from personal experience. There's all this awkwardness involved that it's not worth it to try and stay in touch.

From the outside looking in, it's typically a bit easier to spot a pattern of behavior in a relationship, but this is perplexing.

As far as whether having doubts about a relationship is normal, IMO it is normal. However, what usually puts doubt to rest is experiencing your partner's behavior - over time, you see a repeatable, fairly dependable pattern of behavior that either confirms your fears of quiets them. That you continue to have doubts - in what appears to be the absence of erratic behavior on your partner's part - seems to indicate that you may be the source of those doubts - rather than him.

So....how much of this relationship's longevity may be due to Aspie inertia? Is it possible that the two of you are just stuck in a groove (him seemingly happily stuck, you not so much)? Aspies can like their routines awfully well, and having those routines disrupted can be disturbing, anxiety-provoking, etc. Could it be the love of the (albeit pleasant) routine that keeps you two together more than the connection you share?

I do find it odd that your confession of a lack of attraction seems acceptable to your bf. Men are (typically) better at compartmentalizing sex, but personally, I wouldn't have sex with someone I wasn't attracted to. Particularly if I was in a relationship with that person; every time we had sex I'd be thinking about just how unattractive my partner found me - yuck.

At the very least, you and your bf need to have some serious conversations about what you're feeling, and if there's a way you two can address this problem together. I don't think it's fair to either of you to remain in the state you're currently in - I'm afraid resentment or curiosity or boredom or something will get the better of you, and an emotional nightmare will ensue. A loving, stable relationship is nothing to carelessly throw away; then again, a passion-free friendship isn't a romantic relationship - it's just a substitute for one. I wish I had a better observation to offer.....take care.

I wouldn't want to move on anytime soon if I do break up with my boyfriend. Before I met him I had been single for about 6 years, but I wasn't using my best judgements whatsoever. Looking back, I wanted to rush guys into relationships and on top of that, I was too stupid to see that they were jerks. I would definitely take my time the next time around.


I noticed recently that ever since I began heavily drinking at the age of 15 that the more years went by, the more insecure I felt about myself and I could not bear to be alone. I've never really had self-esteem, but the alcohol sent me on a downward spiral and I felt worse than ever about myself. About a year before I met my boyfriend, I had begun to start drinking almost everyday. I calmed down a lot when we started dating, although I was still arrogant about going out and getting hammered. Now I drink once a week, and I still think that's too much. My boyfriend drinks also but not heavily but his vice is pot, which I started smoking on a daily basis after we got together. I don't think it's a huge deal though, because I don't smoke everyday anymore but my boyfriend does. I think if I were to break up with my boyfriend, the only way I could be ok on my own is if I were to quit drinking and clear my head cause I noticed that the day after drinking it affects my mood. I would also leave this sedentary town full of drunks.


I've had this talk with him before and he always says he's going to do better but he really doesn't do much to improve his situation. I'll be honest, neither do I. We both lack initiative and are too afraid and introverted. He's more comfortable with being the way that he is, but it causes me anxiety to see him so content not striving to better himself. I've told him before that I'm afraid we're going to end up not doing anything with our lives and just being a dirty hippie couple. lol Sometimes I feel like I need to get my crap together on my own, because I worry too much about him. He's a really good guy, but I feel like it's hard enough for me to get the strength to drag my ass to do anything, and I also have to be worrying about whether or not he's going to get anything accomplished. He just enrolled in college though, which is good but his brother had to push him to register. My boyfriend also has problems with organizing, hoarding, time management, grooming and even when he has the money, he will continue to use raggedy clothes with holes in them and does not know how to keep his car clean. I think the fact that he's letting life slip by with no worries causes me anxiety and I feel like we're not gonna get anywhere without me having to push him. I'm afraid he's going to end up like his dad, who doesn't like to leave the house and is really repetitive. I think this has a lot to do with why I don't feel attracted to him. There's no fire in him not even to do what he loves, which is painting. The only thing he wants to do is cuddle and see what I'm up to. That makes me feel bad to say, but the only reason I'm ranting is because I really need advice. I don't want to ask my friends because then word will spread that I'm thinking about breaking up with him again and I'm really not in the mood to have people judge me about something they don't know anything about. The only person I've told is my best friend, and she thinks I shouldn't force myself to be with him.

I feel like it is the routine that has kept us together more than the connection. I love him so much because he's a really good guy but it seems like he's stuck and seems to be avoiding life and not living it. I am stuck as well, but I feel that because we're both like this that we don't make a good match, despite us getting along really well. I realize I have to take responsibility for my own life, but it's really hard for me to push myself and I have to constantly be reminding him to clean his room, his car, buy himself some new pants cause his other ones have holes. We used to live together but due to the rising prices of rent, we were forced to each move back home, but the two years that we lived together, he never got around to organizing his closet.


He's not a bad looking guy, so being intimate with him is not a bad thing. I just don't feel chemistry or I don't desire him. But yeah, it is weird because when I told him I didn't feel chemistry, he was like nothing the next day. It's as if he's not taking what I'm saying seriously. I didn't tell him to be mean either, I just wanted him to know exactly why I felt and why I felt like ending things.

Like another poster said... talk to him... Sounds like everything else is solid. I just watched a friend toss away a good relationship because of a complete lack of communication between him and his now ex... You would be surprised that small things people are willing to change/modify to make their partner happy. Relationships are about compromise, communication, and trust. Trust that your communication will be good enough to reach a comprise that will make you both happy.

Think of yourself as playing a serious important game. You are not doing as well as you wish. Now do you go for help to other players of the game, strangers, people who may be better or worse, or do you go to someone whose profession is to make players of the game better? Personally, I would opt for the later. A coach in the game of life. Almost all good athletes have coaches

You appear, as does your boyfriend, to both want this to work, and the only real red flag that I see is the quantity of drug use. You did mention a "lack of chemistry", but this would be a red flag only if your sexual experiences were less satisfying than you wish, or noticeably less than you have historically experienced with other men.

In any case, I see a situation way beyond the pay grade of anybody here. I strongly urge you to invest in couples counseling. If you think that it is to expensive, think in terms of cost per year for the many years that you will be together in the future.

Also, you may be able to get it for little or no charge if you explore ministers at unitarian or quaker, or the liberal denominations of the mainstream faiths. They receive training in this area, and the ones that I mentioned are non-judgmental, and, for the most part fairly open. You will be shocked to the degree that you do not shock them. I know for a fact that both the unitarians and quakers are open to wikans, so I doubt that goth will bother them.

good luck

When we lived together, I told him I didn't want to smoke anymore but he didn't take that seriously. He's a smoker, and I think that's how it's always going to be. The lack of chemistry I think comes from him not showing me much and again, I'm afraid it's always going to be like this.


My brother-in-law is a minister but I'm afraid to ask anyone from a religion for help because I fear that they're going to make this all about religion. I don't want anything to do with religion, and my sister knows this. She and her husband have tried to "save my soul" before and I was so extremely annoyed that I do not want to be in that situation again lol But you're right, I should be asking a professional although so far I've gotten a lot of good advice that has made me think.

Please go back. I made it bold. Humans have a tendency to see what they want / expect to see. That is also why I suggested that you shop. Or if I did not I am now. Interview a few. You just go in and ask for an appointment with the minister about couples counseling. If they ask if you are a member of the congregation, you can say no, but you can pay something, or work in exchange for services. The buildings are almost in need of maintenance, especially those of "liberal" congregations since they tend to have less money. Again, some of these groups are open to wikans Do you really think that they are going to try and "save your soul"? And if they do start to lay the god/guild trip on you, I am sure that you have the backbone to say, excuse me but this makes me uncomfortable (since I am really an agent of satan ) and excuse yourself. You will have lost a couple of hours. big deal.


How much time have you spent here, and how much progress have you made? You have gotten advice here, but you do not have the ability to judge how good it is or not, only that you like it. Also, we do not know what we do not know. I am fairly sure that I, and probably all of us here, do not have the expertise and/or experience to pick up on clues. Also we are not seeing you in person and interacting. I am fairly certain that no on is going to duct tape you to a chair. At worst, you will make a bad choice, aggravate someone causing smoke to come out of their ears, and their head to explode. If you plan ahead, you can post a video and make enough money to pay for future sessions.

Seriously. Get a coach. You will very likely benefit from the experience.

It sounds like your mind is already made up and you're just looking for a way to see it through. It also sounds like you really need someone who has a lot more in common with you and is more decisive and assertive. It's a horrible situation because people always end up getting hurt! However even the best relationships at somepoint or another are based on friendship as lust never lasts beyond a few years. Stoners and goth clubs certainly don't go hand in hand! You obviously really do care about this person, so hopefully a compromise is all that's required! Whatever happens, good luck!!

This is an observation from an observant lay person. Probably smart. I doubt that they have had training in couples relationships. I am not saying that it is wrong, but what it is doing is taking all the verbiage here (which could be misleading, but not intentionally so) and offers some comments that are not going to serve as much of a guide to you.

Get professional help --- help as in coaching. As in what professional athletes get to be better

What you consider as lazy and observant, I consider concise and to the point. Nope, i've never had training in couples relationships (whatever that is!), I have however been on both sides of the coin and consider myself qualified to respond to the post. Yea, I only summarised what had previously been said, but that's as useful to her as paragraph after paragraph of pointless rhetoric, because fundamentally, what the relationship is like between four walls, only she and her partner know. All I said was it seems her decision was made, but to think it through. Relationship counselling? After 4 years? You're having a giraffe!

I do not know what the statement "you're having a giraffe" means My guess is that it is some kind of insult. I will consider the source. That is someone who thinks that they are qualified because they have been in relationships but admits to not knowing what I am writing about (couples relationships counselors) and is to lazy to look up the subject. Also you do not pay attention to what you read, but assume that it is some sort of attack on you. A lay person is the term referred to someone not trained in the subject and has no connotation to their energy levels.

If you do not pay attention to what you read, assume that it is an attack upon you, do not take the effort to check out something that you admitedly do not understand before posting on it, it seems unlikely that you have brought, what most would consider, a lot of value to a relationship. But maybe you are just having a bad day.

I can quite easily deduce it's meaning by reading it literally, it just seems a little bizarre to me. It appears (and forgive me if i've misread your post), that you're suggesting that plain old life experience is simply no match for your "special training". I offered a piece of advise, you're preaching away like some kind of love prophet!

Having a giraffe, means you're having a laugh. I said this because having relationship counselling after 4 years is preposterous!