What is a relationship?

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That's answered something i've wondered about for years. As i've got older i've met very few people that i've clicked with, yet I have seen the people I grew up with getting married or into long term relationships and I just assumed that the general population must settle and don't care about "clicking" with someone. They just can't stand being alone.

How wrong I was! It never occured to me that people less bohemian than me probably just have more people to click with. I feel really stupid, and arrogant...

That's probably why I latch onto people I click with as well. It happens so rarely that I am overwhelmed when it does actually happen and I can't bear to let go.

Yeah, i'm not sure how to turn anything into proper relationship though. I must be doing something wrong, not sure what... Oh yeah, I don't get out much, thtat's probly got alot to do with it.

+1

Extremely well said, and I think I say that from a similar place to where OSB and mv are at.

I think I started to realize that being single was a symptom of a much bigger problem when I was 22. Some friends and I went out clubbing, and I had one of those moment of horror epiphanies when I realized that I saw all of these people interacting, bartering influence, and chasing each other around without much thought at all when all I could focus on was a big room, bar, furnishings, and the people in it last. Ever since then in dealing with the critics, either in my group of friends or within my family, its always been an incredibly magical conversation that comes down to 'be yourself, but don't be yourself, but be yourself'.

A relationship is work. But it is the kind of work that leaves the two people in it happy and content. "Dating" in my mind is different then a relationship. At least a good one.

I don't understand this, either. It's a "game" I don't know how to play.

I was never able to approach a guy and they didn't want to approach me. Same goes for flirting. The whole dating thing... I don't know how to do it. What, you go out somewhere, and talk? Or do you kiss, or what? Try to impress each other? So much pressure.

I was never able to do it right. I'd always end up being confused and needy, which in turn made the guys less interested, which in turn made me clingy and the whole thing a mess.

When I met my husband, it all seemed natural somehow. But we weren't following the rules. He told me he loved me even before he kissed me, after knowing me for only a couple of days. A few weeks after that, we started living together. I don't think we ever "dated". It's not a path I'd recommend, but the thing is, forget about the rules. If you find a compatible person, I don't know, rules don't matter that much anymore. And if a person isn't right for you, no rules can save you from a mess and disappointment.

A miserable li'l pile of secrets.

I have no idea if it would be the same for Aspies but if you are dating an NT there really is an unspoken progression in the type of dates you have which leads to a relationship. I will leave out sex since there isn't such a clear timeline for that.

1)Casual dates that are just for getting acquainted. These tend to be generic and don't let the other person into your life very much or you into theirs. This is the screening part where you see if you click and if you want to get farther into each others' lives. This may be the place where you are getting stuck. Is having coffee/dinner/a walk in the park several times in a row a relationship? It isn't. It's where you decide whether you are going to have a relationship or whether you will end right there and not get into each others' lives. But if you click and do decide to go farther, what happens next is a progression of going increasingly farther into each others lives. After the generic coffee/dinner/walk in the park you move on to.....


2)....dates that are far more personal and show each other what your interests are. You take turns going on dates that reflect personal interests instead of just being generic. Each person gets to take a turn bringing the other person into their interest. This involves concerts for music lovers, sporting events for sports lovers, athletic activities, anime conventions, going to antique stores, going to museums, rodeos, car shows etc. This is where it ends for many people. Even though they clicked over coffee dates, they discover that their special interests are incompatible and they really don't want to be with somebody that deeply into kayaking, Renaissance Fairs, opera or whatever the incompatibility is. People talk about these things over coffee and dinner and sometimes fool themselves into thinking that compatibility can be created but this stage of dating shows whether that is true or not. Ending it here is common. But if you enjoy each others' company doing these things, you progress to the next stage of deeper connection....

3)...deeper connection involves spending significantly more time together or deciding to spend regularly scheduled time together. This is where you start to reveal far more about yourself, including the things that you feared revealing earlier in case they were dealbreakers (this would be where you reveal an AS diagnosis). Everybody has things they don't want to share with people until they get to know them pretty well. This is the stage where you let each other into each other's schedule and inner life and secrets. Sometimes the revealed things really are dealbreakers and people break up at this point. If not, you are now in a relationship.


This is not a universal timeline. Deconstructed certainly didn't follow it. I have another married friend who also knew within a week that she had met her husband. Some people just instantly know. Maybe some people talk about their deepest inner life on the 2nd date. Maybe some people know immediately they have shared interests and don't bother with the coffee/dinner stage. But I wanted to show you there is this very common progression of getting farther into each other's lives in very delineated stages. Not all relationships follow this, but at least it is something specific to think about.

^thats interesting but confusing
most 'things' i've had i've been good friends with them first/talked a lot, which seems to fit more into stage 3, and yet i wouldn't consider them a relationship. and then we'd be like hey i like you, and hang out more, which i guess could be considered 'dating'/stage 2 (sometimes 1?), just without the label of a date. Maybe if i did things the right way round it would be easier to distinguish

i seem to have like a block when it gets to a certain point, where i just dunno what to do and things crumble apart because of me

A relationship is nothing more than an interaction between two_________<insert anything here

A loving relationship is just that there is love between the two people.

There are also destructive relationships, and nuturing ones, There are also relationships with family and friends.

all types of relationships including the sun and the moon, tidal forces and the changing of seasons
OneStepBeyond wrote:

Should the question be.. (and please forgive me for rewording).

I don't get or understand the relationship I want
or.... how to develope a relationship into what I would like it to be?

or
how/what type of relationship is this one ?
and
how to understand and define relationships ?


please forgive my jumbled speach pattern form above. a friend just showed up

hi gadge(:

the thread title was more just an intro into my 'wtf do i do' post and i didn't give much thought to it sorry. i know the dictionary definition!

Hi OSB

My post is intended to have you ask yourself what you want "a relationship" to be. How would you define it?, then we can suggest ways of obtaining it.

Only you can answer these questions..........And as for " want to be my girlfriend "
.. I view that as "want to date just me" or "want to get to know each other and start dating"

(I've written a paragraph here 3 times and erased it everytime)

,....all I can say that makes any logic is:
in a word "An Equal" or "A Balance" ?

I'm afraid you'll have to drop the stages. It's not a train, it's a river. It just flows. Limited opportunities or not, you'll have to swim with the current.

Sounds like good advice.

For me, a long term relationship goes into logical stages like this.

1. Socialization
Selling your characteristics and traits to someone in a short time, showing them that you have something to offer, it could be humor, emotion, fun, you're creating a positive or logical response to give that person a reason to want to spend time with you.

2. Familiarity
Building familiarity and a sense of security, trust and comfort, testing your footing to see if there is stable and mutual ground to walk on before you truly give your heart to someone.

3. Mutuality
Building attraction between each other and finding out what you both really want and need, understanding each other and showing mutual respect or finding a mutual ground where you both click or connect in terms of values, principles, desires and humor.

4. Selflessness
You both work together for the greater good of the relationship and you find a sense of acceptance and love in each that doesn't require validation or reassurance, you completely trust in each other.

I think the trouble is that most people on the spectrum are great at the later stages such as being trustworthy, stable, direct, loyal and honest yet we lack the first stage which makes it more difficult to get to the later stages. I think that's why many people on the spectrum don't have the greatest success rate in relationships or employment.

That's why I always suggest that people on the spectrum use a different path than the "selling yourself", if they can.

But you're right; employment also counts here. AS people are bad at making first impressions.
I can never present myself the way I want or in a way to show what my qualities are.

^ I second this motion.

A relationship is whatever you and your partner(s) agree that it is

It can be whatever you want it to be. Might help to write down a list af what you do and don't want out of a relationship and go on a couple old fangled dates to talk about stuff before diving in. Most relationship disasters happen when people assume their partner wants the same thing, but don't, and they don't bother to find that out until they're dependent on each other.

This is the best I have ever seen for an answer to this topic.

I agree- pretty swell!