My boyfriend's vanished and I'm freaking out please help!! !!

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OP means Original Poster.
I'm glad we were a help to you. I also really hope you don't think all us Aspie guys are like that. AS is NO excuse to be a jerk like that. It kinda ticks me off that those are the kind of Aspie guys NT women in relationships with Aspies post about here because there are plenty of Aspie guys who are not like that

Thank you. I agree with you. Its not an excuse. You have all helped me see objectively, And I cant thank you enough.

I keep hoping he's coming back despite myself....but then what? He hasnt left me much room to move.

*sigh

Thank you all so very much!

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Last edited by vivdiva on 29 Dec 2011, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You asked for advice, OP. You got it, and on my reading it was fairly reasoned and thoughtful advice, albeit not what you wanted to hear. It's not fair of you, certainly not 'beautiful' behaviour, to make a personal attack such as this on a person who has taken the time and trouble to show you valid alternative angles that you appeared not to have considered. Your own demeanour in fact suggests that you are blind to the forces moving this boy, apart from your own demands upon him. A genuinely mature person would recognise that displays of anger and the application of this sort of emotional force is more likely to drive someone away than bring them back if they are already feeling under pressure, and would therefore exercise self-discipline in order not to make a bad situation worse. In short, more of this debacle could be your own work than your comments seem to comprehend. You have overwhelmed him; that is my best guess. Pressure from his family allowed him to find his way to you; but once you applied pressure of your own he became the pressed meat in the sandwich and returned to his default position.

Anyway, perhaps this will turn out to be only a temporary setback. A lot of drama happens around Christmas due to intensified emotions at this traditional family time. I hope everyone ends up happier soon.

Thank you for candor HighPlateau. The earlier mutual misunderstanding between her and me was dealt with on page 2, Im sure you saw. Even so and I gave her credit for presenting what I am sure is a very valid opinion. If I had issues with differing opinions I wouldn't have posted this problem to a public forum. As such, there is no opinion I don't want to hear. Likewise, Ive been completely candid about my actions here as well which, being human, are far from perfect. I have certainly never claimed to be emotionally mature. I am trying to improve my "comprehension" here which at this point I believe to be fairly conclusive. I've basically thrown my innermost pain on the mercy of this forum, something most of the posters here have been very sensitive to.

You are right I am literally blind to the forces around him as I am cut off.

I wish this was a holiday kink, but even so, he bailed without a word, At Christmas. There are better ways to get out of giving a present. (joke)

Thank you for suggesting the possibility, however. I really don't have any hope here, as Im sure you read.

Last edited by vivdiva on 30 Dec 2011, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Apologies if I covered old ground; I hadn't read the whole thread before responding to something from an earlier page. I have now.

I have something different to add now: the same thing happened to me, hon. The big shutdown/pushaway, 'WTF happened?' thing. I am wiser now than I was two weeks ago, but it is too late to undo the damage my own aspieness was incapable of reading or heading off before it was done. The precipitating event was of my doing, but the damage was done by its intersection with forces at play in the other person of which I had no proper understanding because we were too new and we hadn't yet learned each other properly. Fledgling relationships are fraught with such hazards. Some couples navigate them successfully or good luck sees them through to more solid ground; others do not fare so well. You and I, it seems, lucked out.

I'm now ready to move on after this terrible disappointment, but (as I don't need to tell you) it has taken a great deal of soul-searching in order to turn the bad into a greater good. I have learned that my heart has become soft again, and am grateful for that. I have discovered the lost joy of my childhood was there all along, just waiting to be reawoken. And I have learned to take advice from the most unexpected source, putting aside my pride in order to take on the lessons I needed to learn. I am more thankful for this than I can say. Something great is restored that had been lost. I reckon this makes me a formidable force for the future and sets me up for a great big glob of happiness.

Are we there now? Hope so. I wish you a great new year. Much more will come together in 2012; I feel it in my bones.

Namaste.

After reading this I realise that 11-12 years ago the same thing happened to me. A NT man left me without a word. I was pregnant too.
Luckily either due to my Asperger's, or because I've been damaged or broken since before I can remember, there was never a need to question this.
I cut off any feelings attached to him the moment I decided he wasn't worth pursuing, and that ended it for me. He's never returned.

I may be adding something different here, although I'm not sure it relates to this man.
I have always been rather detached from people. I've never been able to connect the way others have. I also have a set of learned, but strict, social rules and values that I have to live by and expect others to live by. If these social rules and values are violated, I cut that person out of my life, shut off all emotions/feelings attached to that person and they all but cease to exist for me.

I did this to my best friend of 7 years. I did, however, provide him with a written explanation for my decision, therefore giving him notice of the ensuing detachment.

Over the years I have recognised a pattern.
1. Established friendship or in the process of forging a friendship
2. Social rule or value violated (ie: too much pressure, not calling when they are going to be late by a significant amount of time, not turning up, lying)
3. I enter a shut-down phase. This can include not talking to the person, but also to everyone else. This shut down phase allows me to process what has happened, and to effectively rationalise away any attachment I feel to the person.
4. Detachment. Communication is established with others, but never again with the person in question.

This is completely unhealthy of course, and I know that. I've been sent to numerous people over the years to 'help' me deal with it, to no avail.
Of course, this probably isn't what your man friend is doing, but he may be undergoing some version of it. His may end in re-establishment of a relationship after the shut-down/processing phase. If that's the case...protect yourself; make sure that you establish some ground rules for communication and for any future 'issues' he may have.

Also, in your post I noted that you said you 'helped him to make decisions'. If you ever once, even unintentionally, said "You should..." then it could have easily been perceived as pressure, as it sounds like a command. I know that when people trying to 'help' me have said "You should...", it has immediately confused the situation because instead of having 'options' that I can take or leave, I feel like there is only one way to go and everything in me is screaming out to make it all stop. It's unintentional on the part of the other person, but in the moment, despite my knowing that, I can't help the physically anxious reaction I have.

Anyway, I don't think that helped much. I do hope things get better for you.

Yikes AspieGirlMum! Thank you so much for sharing. I tend to say "I would" rather than "You should," but this is an interesting point. Things seemed to deteriorate when I stopped doing that. I told him I didn't want to influence his decisions and stopped with the "I would" stuff and now that I think of it things got worse. Could be a coincidence I guess.

Also, he wasn't good about using the phone either. He usually forgot to call me when he was on his way over and almost never called home when he was going to be late unless I made him. He was really afraid of his mother, and it was usually an unpleasant exchange that I have personally seen almost shut him down once, had him doubting us and everything else. I tried to break up with him then but didn't go through with it. We talked it out after he had a day to think and he said he missed me too much and he didn't feel that way, he was just really upset and that his mom could be really scary. Hmmm.

I'd forgotten that. How he treats his parents is how he'll treat you, as the adage goes, so.....



You are an inspiration. The previous boyfriend (that he pieced me together from) cracked me open that way, I was able to share this glory with Ben. For all the good that did. I'll eventually be able to consider that a practice run. I'm sure you are right, I believe things work out for the best. Who wants a man that won't stand up for her? But it really hurts. Right now I am too miserable to hope for a better year....Ill let you handle hope and just stick with Faith.

I had similar experiences with my Aspie friend who is also much younger than me. We've been friends for over six years (was online for 5 yrs) and it wasn't until he moved in with his sister that he shut down for a month for the first time. I totally freaked out. One time he shut me out for two months, that was the worst time. It's only happened about 4 times and not in the last year and a half. The feeling is horrible, not knowing why this happened or if I'd ever hear from him again. I came to this forum and many people helped me understand why this was happening. I had to listen and shift my thinking because at the time, he was too important to me to just walk away. I also had to realize that my life experience was much different than his.

The comments by dr01dguy are so true and something I figured out on my own and apply them to my situation. When he pulls away, I have to step back and stop communication for a while. Stop any emotion in the communication when I send it. The more I complained about him being gone or expressed my worry or concern, the longer it seemed to take for him to come back. I think when the shut down happens it's a time of thinking and processing. If you express anger or unhappiness then it adds the level of how to come back and what to say. Most of us have a hard time talking to someone who is mad at us, it must be truly hard for an Aspie. It's easier not to say anything then to make it worse or have to deal with it. Unconditional love and support need to be given to feel safe enough to come back.

The good news is he did come back (each time) so there is hope for you. We are still close friends and we now live near each other and are spending time in real life. It's much better this way and I can see in person how he works. He is still very important to me and hopefully we will progress to another level. His family accepts me and is hoping something will develop so I don't have to worry about that issue.

When he came back I didn't discuss what happened, I just moved forward and we kept going. Might not be the best thing to do but I didn't want to pressure him. The fear that he would leave again eventually left and things feel comfortable again. I know now that if he does it again then it's MY choice to move on or stay his friend. I cannot stop him from shutting down.

You have to decide for yourself if this relationship is worth the effort (and it will seem like a huge effort on your part.) As someone told me once, do you want him or the memory of him? If you do want him, then you have to shift yourself and give him space and I bet he comes back. If not then you have to let go and move on. Either way it won't be easy and I understand the feelings you have, it's awful not knowing what's going on or what to do. However, I have to admit that dealing with him and these issues have made me grow. I like the person I have become, less emotional and with less expectations. Much happier. The good times I have with him far outweigh the times he disappeared. I do hope he comes back to you.

Sorry you have to go through this. These sorts of break ups are are usually traumatizingly harmful because you're left wondering what the hell went wrong and feeling guilt for some mistake you probably never committed. Not to mention that he'll probably never take the responsibility to do the right thing and explain what went wrong, and so will never leave you with a peace of mind and assurance that it wasn't really just about you.

From your posts, you sound like a good person who just wanted to love and to be loved by this particular person. A shame he has you now confused and lost and depressed and hurt. But alas, Aspies have no excuse. f**k him and f**k his lack of responsibility. You did nothing wrong that should've warranted such pain and you don't deserve such pain.

I say, forget about him. He didn't respect you at all. Cheer up and welcome the new year with new hope and freedom.

Thank you Butterflair. Your words ring true. Sadly its too late for me to take back what I already wrote....even though I know he hasn't read it. I will hopefully have better control in the future.

MCalavera your words ring true also. Im starting to accept that maybe I didnt screw this one up - and that I do deserve better. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

Judging from your posts, you didn't screw it up. He did. No more feeling guilt for what you didn't do.

I've been in a similar situation myself. So I can definitely empathize.

I had a similar experience with my first relationship, in his shoes. I didn't want to be alone and the relationship felt reassuring. Finally it all became real, and I was so far in. Breaking it off was definitely one of my bigger mistakes, but it's all in the past now and I've moved on. I'm pretty sure she has too.

Just don't let it get to you too much. It sounds like you both need to grow.

Its too late to not let it get me down too much, but after passing out from crying so hard my head seems to have cleared a little. I studied and treated him like glass, I was so careful with him. IF its true I didnt cause this then I would very much like to not shoulder this guilt in addition to the loss.

Im going to make a final decision on apartments today and I will not let his absence drag me down. He had his chance.

Im all alone now in my new city, but I know having my own place will help enormously. Soon Ill bring my skunk here and frankly, his tail can't compare to my fluffy baby's. When I'm under a lot of stress I have bad dreams sometimes, where I wake up gasping for breath and I dont know where I am. Ben is the only man that has ever held me and calmed me without any question and whispered "You're Ok, You're here. You're with me. You're ok." until I returned to normal. It seems a stupid example, but thats part of the reason he's so hard to let go. I've never had that before. But I dont have it now either and the tears are....so 2011.

May 2012 bless us all!

Thank you.

SPOKE TOO SOON! Got home and there was another bag on my porch, with more of my stuff. Apparently he plans to keep his:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-appare ... 90/?srp=12

Now I'm sobbing in my room again.

FYI: The apartment is lovely. beautiful vaulted ceilings and a fireplace to share with no one. I was also crying about that.

Please kill me.

hi, vivdiva. I think you need to be not alone, urgently. It sounds like you are too deep into your thoughts and they're going to spiral you into trouble. Go out somewhere and mix with people (even strangers). Get air. Walk fast with big strides. Physically get together with someone you know. If it means jumping an aeroplane then do that. Apartments with lovely vaulted ceilings are full of echoes and that's the last thing you need right now. good luck.