Overnight stays & intimacy when boyfriend lives with his

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It's normal to still find other people attractive. That kind of possessive/jealous behaviour is strange and toxic. Has he asked her out on a date? Is he having an affair with her? Getting upset because he says she's pretty is an overreaction.

And from his perspective he'll feel that he is being backed into a corner over the situation. The only way for him to solve the problem you are presenting to him is to either a) find his own place to live, which I know you haven't said out loud but it's what he will think you mean or b) he was to live with you, which is something you don't want.

He doesn't see your viewpoint and by the sound of it I'm not sure you see his viewpoint either. Something will have to give between the two of you eventually because at the moment you are both at a stalemate.

This comment, as well as some other things that you wrote about his overbearing mother, makes me think that he might be a victim of so-called covert incest. Covert incest is not sexual, but it can be just as harmful to the victims and rob them of the ability to lead a normal adult life and have normal relationships.

Treating a son as a surrogate husband is a great description of this harmful parental behavior, because that's exactly what happens in these cases. Children are treated like partners from a young age by a parent who relies on them for emotional support (instead of the other way around), talks to them about age-inappropriate problems and concerns, and completely fails to establish and respect healthy boundaries.
Here is some reading material on the subject: http://books.google.de/books?id=ntvDUz8 ... &q&f=false

Edited to add: Being jealous of her son's girlfriend also fits the pattern.

To all the people here who are criticizing the woman's supposed "controlling" nature, I suspect that this mother-son relationship is as much about him controlling her, possibly unintentionally, as heeer controlling him, and as such, it's more of a "co-dependent" relationship. She acts as his "external executive function" and source of emotional stability, making up for his lack of development in those areas, and he fulfills some other role for her, possibly making her proud or less lonely.

In fact, who "controls" in a co-dependent relationship seems more about who is less on the defensive. It seems the older he gets, the more his mother is put on the defensive, because he is finding girls and hobbies to put more of his attention on, whereas she will for the time being not have anyone to dote on and care for but him.

I also wonder how much healthier it would be if he found a girl as unexperienced in life and love as himself, rather than someone already previously married and with a kid, who is more of a "competition" with his mother. In true chronological adolescence, this is what tends to happen--the girls also are still living with their parents and their ability to "mother" is limited, even though their caretaking abilities may still be ahead of the boys'. Unfortunately, I've noticed that in adulthood it's much harder to find an "adolescent" type of woman than a "parental" type of woman--so immature men have a hard time finding someone on their "level".

I'd just like to add that I agree with the previous 2 posters that his relationship with his mother does appear to be both co-dependant, and unhealthy, for both of them. In effect thay have become carers for each other, but because it is a co-habiting, mother-son relationship, they may well have become unable to develop any independance that they otherwise would have done, had there been a degree of separation between them.

You bf's lack of some skills may well be down to him never having any need to learn them, as they were provided for him, not through having any inability to learn them.

Also he has to come to terms with one very cold hard fact. His mother is in her 70s and will not live forever. He needs to be prepared for life after she has passed on, otherwise the change is going to be extremely hard on him.

Did you both speak of what he could and couldn't do? What you wanted of him? Or, did you just stumble along without these things known?

Not fair for him if he told you this stuff realistically and you said it was fine (like not going out to places with you)
Not fair on you if you let him know what you want and he said that was fine
Just how it goes if nothing was spoken of

Living with his parent/s isn't much of an issue (unless you want to live with him), and really, intimacy at his home when his mother is there is pretty inappropriate. So, if he's unable to go places with you, then he's probably not able enough for a relation with anyone (unless it's ok with someone, i.e., someone like how he is).

He should probably go to the doctor to see why he can't go out. If it's primary anxiety, then it might be able to be fixed.

Me too. I've been following this thread silently up to now, forcing myself not to be judgemental, each to their own etc.. but seriously...

Technical cat, you sound like a nice person. He doesn't. The 'man' (for want of a better word) you describe is an overgrown spoilt brat and I can't see that ever changing if all he has to do is get verbally abusive to get his way.

(Of course, verbal abuse should never have to be put up with, nor should it ever be there. No matter "meltdown" or not. That's one of those obvious things though.)

I had to try and guess what he could and couldn't do the whole way along. He wouldn't communicate it, and sometimes he said he would do something, even promosied me he would stay over once "I promise I will stay over the next time" , and then didn't. Sometimes he would say he didn't know if he could, sometimes he would say he'd try.

I tried giving him an ultimatum, stay over or it's over - he said he wouldn't stay over on principle because I'd told him what to do, and he couldn't handle being told what to do.

(I went 3 months without pressurising him after clearly explaining that I wanted him to stay over and that it made me unhappy when he didn't - stayed over 1 night, and was visiting me 2-3 times a week for sex during that time) - he said he had no problem with staying over but went home because I made it too easy for him.

we finished for seven months that time, and he got another grilfriend, didn't stay over at her house either.


he recently said that the only reason he couldn't stay over was because he couldn't sleep in the same bed as me, although this never seemed to be too much of a problem when I slept at his house and he would encourage me to sleep at his house.

I do have two updates before this is put to bed really.

We did finally get back together March this year, after he explicity stated that he would stay over after sex at my house. He began staying over 2 - 3 nights a week. He said he came to enjoy it and liked it.

I'm using past tense because we are finished. I discovered he gave away (in effect) a heartfelt gift I got for him when we first met - to the girl he was seeing for a few weeks when we split up. Although I didn't cry infront of him when I found out, wasn't hostile or aggressive in any way, told him calmly that it upset me, kissed him on the cheek and left..................he ignored me for 3 days afterwards as punishment because he was angry that I was upset about it, as in his opinion "it was his to do with what he liked". The gift was Tony Attwoods book, and given with the intent that it would help our relationship if he clued up somewhat on what made him tick. After 3 days I finished it, calmly, and was trying to collect some things from his house - and he called me "a massive c**t"


we are finished for good, an assurance to those that were worried about me here.

apologies, just to clarify

I have always, from the first time he had sex with me and went home, clearly stated that it made me feel rubbish, that I NEEDED him to stay over. That I could NOT stay at his mother's house in his old room which was filthy, cramped and had no privacy. I even wrote a lits of absolutes NEEDS in January 2011. He said he wouldn't do it becuase he wouldn't be told what tpo do, then switched tpo saying he didn't know if he could when I started walking away, then switched to he'd try - he never did, I finished with him in July 2012.

Also I did tell him repeatedly that he didn't have to come anywhere with me, but that if he said he would (which he frequently would) then heshould come. He frequently let me down at the 12th hour for all sorts of things, I asked him straight out when we first met if he'd rather I didn't ask him - he clearly said no, and that I should ask, and then would continue to let me down.

sorry for long, and multiple posts.

This has all been too hard, I've sacrificed too much for too little the verbal abuse will continue, and eventually turn into him kicking through doors e.t.c. (this is what he sometimes does at his mother's house, but she ignores him).


So I have ended it for good.

Thank you for coming back to update us. I'm sorry for your pain but I'm very glad you're done with him, he sounded way, way too inflexible and angry to be tolerated in a loving relationship. Bad news all around.