Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend."

Post Reply New Topic

^ I agree with you. Actually, I have a very good "awareness" of social situations and social skills. I actually have a very acute social radar, and tbh, I think I have a better textbook understanding of social skills than 99% of the population. I've read many self-help books (dos and don'ts of being social, etc, etc............)

While I know WHAT to do in ANY given social situation, my failure is always in the execution. I've tried and tried to actually do things and put some skills in to practice (things like the laws of power, etc,) However, it ALWAYS comes off like I'm doing the steps to a dance, but I did not pick up on the rhythm.

Part of the problem is that I am TOO aware, and that makes me paranoid and possibly overreacting to other people if things start moving too fast in an interaction.

Its NOT that I've been sheltered and isolated to the point where my social skills eroded and deteriorated...... Its not that I just don't care and I'm totally tuned out to other people. Believe me, I have went at length to practice and master all NT social skills, and I even devour such books on the subject when I cross them at a bookstore. I really do know what to do, in a learned sense, but I just can't translate it to anything that comes across well for me.

Its like if some people took Salsa Dancing........ they could practice it for years and years, and memorize all of the steps. However, if they just don't "get it," and have that flair and those lines, and the right rhythm, it just won't become anything. My mom studied such latin dancing for some time, but she was similar in that she just never "figured it out," even though she memorized all of the steps. She always just looked like a robot going through the routine, try as she might to get it smooth.

Exactly, textbook knowledge never equates to practical knowledge or skill, someone can spend hours reading about how to drive a car but they won't know how to drive it until they actually do it and if you make a wrong move or you are unable to adapt the situation, you could end up in a collision, it's similar to socializing.

In other words, I think you need to let go so you can adapt to the changing situation and by doing that, you will be able to execute more smoothly.

It sounds like you know what to do in terms of creating a good first impression and attraction but it's preplanned, you haven't designed it to adapt to the ever changing world or social situation around you, you only know how to respond like a robot because you have predetermined and planned the interaction already in your mind, you need to become more smoother in your execution. If you are putting up a facade or trying to mimic traits that you don't really have or that aren't really you, you will come across as transparent and someone that is simply faking confidence in an attempt to compensate for something else.

^ Exactly, but if I could be flexible like that, then I think I would just be an NT.

I just feel like I could write off the whole social facet of my life sometimes. For me, socializing feels like what it might feel like to a morbidly obese person being forced to run a marathon day after day.

To get girls you have to create a big safe world for them. It's pretty simple. Find a psychopath and model them, then use your advantage of actually feeling things. If they have a boyfriend and you can offer a bigger or safer world, you get the girl.

Boo, you beat me to it. fraac, you can put black bars across the eyes of those females. other people can judge if they are beautiful or not instead of me. and this 'big safe world' thing needs some solid evidence.

Pengu1n, i don't think you need massive numbers of friends, but if you do not have any friends at all, i question whether you are ready for a girlfriend. Wolfheart had great advice for getting socially comfortable just talking to people, and his therapy ideas are spot-on. i think you might need to establish a better foundation for doing regular interactions before you worry about getting a girlfriend

If you think you can judge beauty from a photograph that says a lot about why you don't understand girls.

so they are beautiful on the inside and not the outside? because i am pretty sure that hale_bopp was referring to physical beauty. it is pertinent to the discussion at hand. your claims are big, but your evidence is non-existent, including you theories about what women want.

Yeah learning to make and keep friends would be a good start. First off its just good to have friends so you can get use to other peoples personallities. Secondly the most common of meeting new people(potential girlfriends in your case) is through friends and their established connections.

I've allways found it alittle underhanded and kind of using people, but it happens alot.

And don't overwelm yourself with too much, because then you'll just shut everyone out. I for one can't handle more than 6-14 friends at a time. Keeping tract of all thoughs personallities gives me a headache.

Honestly I can't stand this kind of advice. If not for the fact thats its been said before millions of times, its almost the same as "GET CONFIDENCE". There is a reason why somebody like the OP or me doesn't go talking to random people out of the blue just for the hell for it. Not only is there nothing to say most of the time, it just isn't natural. I'm sick having to "force" myself to do this and do that. Sick of pretending.

When I leave the house and go to supermarkets, banks, even schools, downtown, etc I observe. I see most of the time, most people mind their own business. I don't see random people chatting up other random people just for the hell of it. Very rarely do I actually see this. And if it is happening its just a couple sentences and a joke and then that is the interaction and its over. If I saw more people doing that, I would have a better idea about how to do it.

To just go and start talking to random people everywhere you go sounds like a very bad idea. Not only are you going to look like a fool and not a confident person, you are going to realize that you look like a fool and its going to cause you further shut yourself off. Not to mention there are always some douche turd who takes a completely harmless thing you said and turns it around against you, causing further social embarrassment.

Maybe it worked for you, and that I can respect. Maybe you already had a decent social circle to build your foundations upon, and that gave you some initial confidence to talk to other people.

My guess is that OP really does want guy friends. He just really wants a girlfriend first because it is nagging away at him for so long.

Last edited by lightening020 on 28 Feb 2012, 12:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Why don't you just try talking to women on here? Have long conversations with them. Build up 'practice' (although don't think of it like that or tell the person you're talking to that it is). Be honest with them.

I wish you the best of luck.

this can be just conincidence, especially if you are in a wrong environment.

however what would often happen to me is that I hit on girls and only found out far to late they had a boyfriend. I guess it's because I (we) don't pick up those clues early enough.

If you are extremely horny like me but not so attractive-looking then you just need to lower your standards.

Go for less attractive girls, you will not regret any of your decisions because we only get to live once.

Right, because attractiveness is the only feature worth judging a woman on. "All the hot chicks are taken, so you'll do." Sorry, this mentality really pisses me off. Then you have an insecure girl who thinks you're only with her because that's all you can get but as soon as a hotter chick rolls around, you'll drop the "less attractive" girl like a rock won't you?

It's a trial and error process, no one is saying that it's easy for people on the spectrum to develop good social skills or friendships, it certainly isn't easy for any of us. It requires hard work, dedication and practice, it isn't something that will come overnight.

It is difficult to overcome social anxiety and build confidence in your social abilities but predicting a negative outcome of a social situation before it has happened is a factor that can lead to a person feeling more anxious, conscious or withdrawn in social situations. That's why I recommend taking baby steps and therapy to break away from negative thought patterns and high social expectations that can lead to a person feeling withdrawn or alienated.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bPD1w5Yz7c[/youtube]

This video has a few lessons itself, especially at 10:00. You can definitely learn from sitcoms or by observing others but I think having a positive outlook is the first step.

I agree, I don't think many women would feel very flattered or appreciated if he is treating or viewing them like they are accessories, stepping stones or sexual objects.

However this is a very sensitive topic and perhaps he worded it wrong, maybe he has a point by saying that people can aim out of their league and that's why they lack success in dating.