Living as an adult male virgin, unable to cope

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Then there are those that are more active than when they were younger.

you didn't ever answer my question, above. ^^^

also, do you have female friends?

hyper, I do have friend's who fornicate on a very frequent basis and have tried to teach me a thing or two. The problem is, as an aspie, I am terrible at hiding my true emotions and feelings. I am sick of trying to find a girlfriend through playing these psychological mind games and pretending to be somebody I'm not. But apparently who I am at my core is apalling to the female psyche.

techstep: I am not looking to spend my whole life traveling. I would even not have a problem settling down with a family in a foreign culture if I met the right person, I am getting kind of sick of the U.S. anyway :-b I'm kind of hoping sex does turn out to be completely overhyped, that way I won't feel bad anymore about going through college and my early twenties as a virgin.

I just feel like I'm stuck in this endless game and there is no way to win and I can't be honest about why I am so miserable to my family.

have you tried being yourself, or do you try to act like an NT? are you honest about your AS?

oh, also - do you have female friends?

Trust me, it is. Your sex drive tells you that it must be the greatest thing ever, simply because you desire it so damn much and feel that you can't live without it. But your sex drive is a freaking liar. Sex is like one of those overhyped toys that you saw in a magazine ad as a kid. It looked so awesome, and you wanted nothing more than a slinky or a couple of water monkeys or a pair of x-ray specs. You felt that if you only had this silly gimmick, your life would be complete.

But then you got your wish, your brand-new slinky jiggled down three stairs and just sat there, and that was that. The only difference between a slinky and sex is that you are doomed to desire the latter again and again, no matter how disappointing it was At some point you might realize that what you really want is a relationship, but I've heard that those can be a huge disappointment too.

Anyway, if you know what an orgasm feels like, you know exactly what sex feels like. The best part of it anyway. The rest is awkwardness and clumsiness and all the problems and issues of social interaction to the power of ten. You might as well enjoy the pleasant part alone at home and skip the rest. It might be different if you're madly in love with your partner, but I wouldn't know that.

Don't give up. You never know what could happen in the future. Trying really hard and not getting results is making you feel hopeless. I know, it's frustrating. At times you feel like giving up, but you do not know the future.

I've had a lot of female friends in the past. They all fed me the "well you'll find the right person someday and it will be special" line. Different women also have different expectations of men (just as men do with women) so it is hard for anyone to give generalized advice. I have told girls in the past about my AS and sometimes it intrigued them. I even had girlfriend in college who dated me solely based on that fact. We actually tried to have sex a couple of times but I was on antidepressants at the time which made it impossible for that to happen (the anxiety and discomfort from the condom didn't help either).

My social skills have progressed to a point that people don't even believe when I tell them I have AS. The problem is, if I try and apply my usual social skills to a girl situation, I end up in the friend zone. Forming a romantic bond requires skills that are beyond my comprehension.

noname, I tried the fleshlight, does it feel like the real thing at all?

so you have had girlfriends in the past. how were you able to get them?

I honestly don't remember, it was four years ago. Attending a college that had more females than males helped I guess.

Try talking. Or, if you just want to get your end away (and you live in a country where this is available), go and see a hooker if you're that desperate. I think it would be pretty horrid though.

have you had one girlfriend or more? how long did the relationships last?

to be honest, i think you are feeling defeated right now and that is clouding your ability to have any success. you have made progress in the past, so it is possible again, but your self-confidence has crashed. maybe taking a break from dating and regrouping may be helpful... then reflecting on how you made it work in the past... because you have had some success before.

I had one girlfriend high school, lasted less than a month and the girlfriend in college was like 2 to 3 weeks.

I think a major issue is that I hang out with friends who are absolutely fixated on sex and this makes it impossible for me to not have these thoughts.

I think my prime focus is going to be on reaching a point where I am satisfied with how I look physically through a new diet and continued exercise. I need to stop hanging out with people who are aware of my situation and continue to shove their sex lives in my face knowing that it makes me feel bad about myself. I'd rather not alienate myself from my friends but my mental and emotional health comes first.

Finally, I have to accept the fact that I am going to be a 25 year old virgin and there is nothing that is going to change this. If I get ONE year where I can somehow figure out how to live a cavalier lifestyle like everyone else, that's all I need. I don't want to be in fifties around other men talking about how great their twenties were and look book in shame. One year of pleasant memories should be more than sufficient. I know traveling to another country is not going to magically solve anything, but maybe if get my body and mind in the right place, I can give myself that one year.

actually, your plan sounds brilliant! i think it will give you a fresh start. and distancing yourself from the old set of friends also sounds like a great idea. accepting the truth of your current situation at face value is also a big advantage - that makes it more matter-of-fact and less emotionally heavy.

you actually have a wicked roadmap in front of you. i think that changes like this will be awesome in the long term, and there's no reason to think that your life won't improve drastically for the better with time.

That situation you're in sucks. And I had the same years ago. When you get refused by women you will get close to giving up on them, which can feel very depressive and can make you feel angry as well. Especially the feeling that there seems to be no source where you can find a girl that would like you.

From my experience I can tell that there are women that will like you the way you are. Some of these women will actually approach you, because they know how you are and that's exactly what they are looking for. They can see from a mile away that you are not a player that's going to approach them. But you need to be open for that to happen, you need to be yourself and of course you need to be in situations where you meet these girls in the first place (for example a place where more alternative/artistic people come).

So consider this:
- Maybe you try to get girls that are simply not interested in you, because you are not their type. Don't close your eyes for other girls! Maybe even lower your expectations if you only try to get the hottest girls out there.
- I would suggest to try to get a relation, a girlfriend. And don't make sex your goal. If you meet a nice girl, and she gets the feeling you're obsessed with sex it can be a huge disappointment for her, unless she is some kind of nymphomaniac.

I have been on many dates within the past year and they led nowhere. My goal was always to build a relationship with a girl but that will not happen. What I can do is build my body to a point where there is no question about my attractive qualities. Memories are a very powerful thing and if I can just get on a good roll for a little while, I can live in peace and not be full of regret when I get old and see attractive women.

I would like to get rid of this stain on myself before I start a new life somewhere else though. As I said before, I am not a street savvy person and I can't afford prostitution through legitimate means. I've tried sleeping with women that I was not attracted to but I hated how I felt doing that and couldn't get aroused. Again, I think the best think I can do is accept the fact that my shame is only going to get better before it gets worse. It is going to take some time to change myself.

"Being yourself" is simply not good enough for attractive women who know they have the power to choose any mate they want.

I have a friend who is quite charismatic, and has never had a problem getting girlfriends. Keeping them is a different matter, but he can certainly get them. The reason is, he does not wait for chances. He creates them. If he see's a woman he is interested in, he would rather speak to her than not. He will start the conversation with something inevitably witty and talk to her. He might be rejected and he might not, but the important thing is, he doesn't care when he is. Additionally, he talks to multiple women per day without the intention of picking them up, simply because he enjoys talking to them, as he enjoys talking to people in general. Despite this, I would not say he is good at reading non-verbal cues. He just doesn't particularly seem to care if the other person is engaged in what he is saying. That being said he does not make actual sexual advances on a woman unless he has verbally confirmed that it is ok with her.

He is the idiot savant of socializing and doesn't have the attention span to care when he is rejected.