22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with AS

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Gee, I could have sworn I read exactly the same list of items in a book purporting to help all women in relationships with NT men... what gives?

Gee, I could have sworn I read exactly the same list of items in a book purporting to help all women in relationships with NT men... what gives?

So it seems that the author is focusing solely on how she believes that a man's ASD deprives a woman of happiness and fulfillment, but that everything would be just fine if only HE would reach out to HER!
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Most of these comments shes made are factual. I'd dare to say the people defending this may not have had longer relationships. I've personally done every one of them over and over and made at least three women very unhappy. If you've had a lack of relationships where you've been prone to showing your traits then perhaps you'd disagree.

But I think she may have a biased view from the position of a certain type of woman if that makes anyone feel better. Seems to be from a point of view of "my 10 years of marriage was a waste". But if you don't like a person then your at fault for staying and writing a book.

I think she's engaging in "Aspie-Male-Bashing" out of her own frustration, and not out of any sense of compassion for Aspie men.

I always thought that each partner being able to do their own thing was a sign of a healthy relationship, whether there's a partner on the spectrum or not.



Maybe she's exactly right about this, and my response stems solely from my aspieness, but I don't see how or why PDAs are necessary. Maybe if you're extremely insecure. Either way, if I'm feeling affectionate, public or not, I'll show it. But as soon as it becomes compulsory, I lose all desire to.



A lot of (going by what I've read on these forums, I'd even venture to say most) people on the spectrum who've had romantic relationships have had some spectacularly bad ones. Relationships where the other partner took advantage of their lack of social savvy to get away with all kinds of awful crap. Or relationships where they drove away a partner they truly cared about by not meeting their needs.

A tendency I've seen in myself, and that I think I've seen in others here (though I won't claim that with any degree of certainty, I suck at reading people), is a general unwillingness to let people get too close. Loving someone gives them a lot of power over you, when people have misused that power in the past it becomes very difficult to trust others with it in the future.



Okay, fair enough. But isn't this a possibility with anyone?



Yeah, I'll give her this one. It's true for me at least.



First, yes. Communication being a challenge is kind of at the center of Asperger's.

But is it really preferable to have someone who only feigns interest? I mean, it's just not possible to find fascinating every single thing that comes out of your partner's mouth. I know I prefer a partner who doesn't just humor me. And I prefer one with enough self-assurance that she doesn't need me to humor her.



Now this is just bitching. Her desire to leave is not more important than his desire to stay. She tried to control his behavior, he did not try to control hers (make her stay). He came up with the adult solution to the problem, a compromise that allowed each to do what they wanted, and somehow he's in the wrong here.

This is something I have a real problem with in my life. People accusing me of being controlling when all I'm trying to control is myself.

GF has the TV too loud so, rather than make her turn it down, I go into another room. Then get accused of being controlling. I don't want what the rest of the house is eating for dinner (and it's not as if these are sit-down meals where everyone eats together), so I pick up something for myself. Get accused of being controlling.

Before thinking someone is out of line for this sort of thing, a person really needs to ask him or herself which party is really trying to control the other.



Not knowing what to say is not at all the same as not being there for someone. If he says nothing at all, it is most likely because he is afraid of saying something wrong, and making things worse. With an aspie partner, you really need to look at their actions not just their words.



All groups have their share of as*holes. If the guy is not willing to work on this, is not willing to at least try to get somewhere private where he can melt down and recover without it affecting others, then leave his ass. Just like you should with any guy who shows this behavior.



If his earning potential is that big of a deal, then you're the one with a problem.



Wow. Real, honest-to-god empathy. I'm not gonna say anything else here, I don't want her changing her mind about this one.



So tell him. There are so many ways an aspie compromises in order to fit into a relationship, into society as a whole. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask of their partners this one thing; to say what you mean, and what you want, as directly as you can.



These two together may as well just be combined into one that just says you can't please everybody. Which I didn't realize was a problem exclusive to the partners of aspies.



If you don't already have other people to spend some of your time with, then you have problems that go beyond just dating an aspie. If you really need to spend every waking moment in this person's presence, then maybe you need to look at your own issues rather than blaming him for not being able to meet that need.



I swear I really did mean 5 minutes, at least I did when I said it. But then I saw a link to an article about the new 500 Abarth, which linked to an article about the Fiat/Chrysler takeover, which linked to one about Alfa's potential return to the States. So I started thinking about my favorite Alfas, and looking up which ones were now eligible to import under that 25 year rule. And then I thought to myself, since we're in fantasy land right now anyway, why limit myself to Alfas? What other older Italians were worth my attention? Ferrari and Lambo are too obvious, not to mention too expensive to take out on real roads. Lancia built some pretty cool stuff, a Fulvia would be pretty sweet and I do have special soft spot for cars that were used for rallying, and for lightweights. They tend to be the most fun when driven on public roads. And, by this point, it's tomorrow and I've completely missed Thanksgiving with your aunt.



Been living apart from my GF for financial reasons after years of living together. Really, all that has changed is that we sleep seperately now. As much as I dislike waking up alone, falling asleep by myself is a great luxury. Don't tell her I said that.



If you are going into the relationship with the goal of changing your partner, then you are the one with problems.



A ring and a piece of paper is not a commitment. Thankfully, the GF feels the same as I do about that. But we've each gotten a bunch of crap from our respective families about not being married. This, despite the fact that we know people who've met, got married, got divorced in less than the time we've been together.



And again, one of those problems that every couple has.



No. It'll stand a better chance if you both reach. You can't meet half way if only one partner is willing to make changes. She leaves out the most important piece of advice one can give to someone in a relationship with an aspie; let go of the idea that your way is the only way just because it's what everyone else does.

Last edited by mds_02 on 13 Mar 2012, 4:08 am, edited 2 times in total.

I've dated a man who fits everything you call prejudice about AS. He has AS and he is such an as*hole so this whole thing fits into my and his situation. On the other hand, I've met people with AS who are just fine. Loyal, good, sensitive and little harsh, but generally ok people. So, there are hard cases, the devils that will be very mean to you, but aspies are not all like that. Do not leave your AS man because the stupid book says so - we can all be good or bad people, no matter are we NT or AS. But, girls be careful, very very careful because you can attach to someone who is an actual devil, like I did.

I AGREE!! ! Here's the problem with people - they forget that Asperger's is a SPECTRUM disorder - which means it is VERY diverse. The schools forget this too and think that just because two kids are on the spectrum, they should have common interests and get along. Also, some educators think that you can talk to ALL of them in the same damned condescending tone! If one ALLOWS others to stick a label on them, then you are F'd for life and will have to spend a lifetime proving that there is nothing wrong with you!

I just learned who Maxine Aston is... wow.
http://autisticbfh.blogspot.com/2008/09 ... -scam.html

That's the double bind of divulging aspergers in a serious relationship. On one hand, it is self disclosure and necessary to a serious relationship, on the other hand you're attaching a label that has many negative connotations, as evidenced by books like this.

Yes there is a spectrum, and I know that people in the spectrum can improve their social skills and relationship skills. I also think that most of them would like to improve their abilities to relate to other people, there is zero downside and immeasurable benefit to it. I also think that most adults have developed a sense of self-awareness and know that they need to improve. I think if the other partner is a little patient in this area, and both partners want to work to develop better communication, then why should their relationship be seriously different than an nt/nt relationship? Any relationship where one person isn't willing to compromise or work to affect positive change is doomed, the author of the book seems to be in that category.

and unfortunately most aspie relationship books and chapters on aspie relationships in books are based on her work

Come to think of it ... while most of the items may be more-or-less "factual", they seem to apply to NT males, as well!

So should all NT males who display any one of these behaviors expect to be labelled as "Aspies" by their NT wives, and then divorced as "defective"?

Well done, Fnord!

1. There Will Be Loneliness - Example: He may have social withdrawal moments, and may simply want to do his own thing, more often than you would like.
I'm only withdrawn like that if a relationship goes seriously wrong. I'm perfectly capable of tempering my special interests and putting them on hold so I can be there for the one I love. All I ask is that they give me a prod now and then if I seem to be wandering into nerdy stuff at their expense.

2. There Will Probably be No Public Displays of Affection - Example: May be affectionate in private, but does not want to show the world how much he truly loves or likes you, and frankly does not think it is necessary.
I'm happy with reasonable public displays of affection. I won't play tonsil hockey or make sexual advances to a partner in front of people, but hugs, holding hands, arm round shoulder, etc., are fine.

3. Labels and Romantic Expectations Make Him Feel Nervous - Example: The "L" word (LOVE/LIKE) may be difficult at the start of the relationship. Even if he says it in courtship, he may have problems saying it later on in the relationship.
I've always been happy to say "I love you" to partners, and it means something good to me when they've said it to me.......I do believe that love is as love does, rather than love is as love says, but for me that doesn't stop me from appreciating those kindly-meant words.

4. He Will Take You and the Relationship for Granted - Example: When he first began to court you, you were his "special interest", now you may be more like an old toy. You are easily replaced by new "special interests" which can come in the form of other humans (not affairs), or objects, or sports.
See 1. above. I did turn my first serious partner into a "special interests widow," but I've learned that it's dangerous to the relationship to do that, and now I know how my brain works, I'm able to adjust my behaviour quite well. Also, I've never known a strong desire to do special interests while my relationship has been reasonably painless......if I start obsessing about other things, it's a sign that there's something very wrong in the relationship that I don't know how to fix.

5. He may have a more patient approach to sex than you do - Example: Due to sensory sensitivities, he may be distracted during sex, while you are full on committed, his focus although there, may be a little off.
This is poorly worded. What's bad about being patient in bed? I don't believe I've seemed distant to anybody I've slept with.

6. Communication will always be a challenge - Example: Unless your topic is of interest to him, he may completely tune you out, and he is not good at covering up his lack of interest.
I don't tune partners out unless they're being very aggressive or otherwise cruel to me. I'm reasonably willing to have a conversation about practically any subject. If a topic is important to a partner, it's important to me.

7. There will be shock - Example: When you least expect it, your significant other will act so out of sorts, that you will question the relationship as a whole. For instance: you are both at an event 5 hours from your home; it is 3:00am, and you decide that you have had enough and you want to leave. He is not ready to go and he insists that you can leave without him. You think he is kidding and you give him one last warning that you will leave without him. Sadly, you soon find out that he is dead serious, and he not only encourages you to leave, but walks you to your car so you can take the 5 hour drive by yourself.
Funny, I thought that was more likely to happen the other way - e.g. if a NT partner drags me along to a big noisy party and thinks I'm a possessive killjoy for wanting us to go home before the end. I wouldn't dream of staying at an event if my partner had got sick of it and wanted us to leave.

8. Your man may not be there for you in crisis - Example: Since people with AS may have difficulty identifying what is appropriate to say in a crisis situation, they may say nothing at all, which will only come across as having a lack of empathy.
I've always been there for partners in a crisis, except when the crisis has not been all that great and the partner has taken her upset out on me. I'm usually there for partners whether there's a crisis or not. I can't read minds, but I'll always have a go at helping her out, and am willing to change tack if she says "no, it's not that." Main thing is to let them talk, try to be generally reassuring without telling lies, analyse the situation for practical solutions, offer them, and sometimes challenge their ideas.


9. Many AS males can be cranky, or have bad tempers and can explode at the slightest of things - Example: This is the example of the punishment never fits the crime. For instance, his outbursts and outrage over the fast food clerk forgetting to put cheese on his cheeseburger, may be equivalent to the way you would react if you were punched in the face by a stranger for no good reason.
Nope. I'm notorious for keeping my temper. If I get angry at all these days, it's because somebody's really provoked me.

10. Your man may have a hard time completing a college degree, holding on to a job or seeing things through - Example: Although many individuals with Asperger's are average or above average in intelligence, they learn differently and get bored easily. Due to this, many end up either dropping out of school and inevitably have trouble keeping a job due to the all unwritten rules and nuances of an office. The lucky ones may end up being self employed or working in a place that nurtures their talents and abilities; i. e. the IT department. Many people with AS are very well versed in computers and technology.
I have barely missed a day's work in my life. Even when I was unemployed I was doing voluntary work. Sure I've had a hard time with it. Working conditions generally are getting more demanding with time, and if not for my DX and a politically-correct employer, I'd probably have been shaken out of the jobs market by now, but I clung on before the DX for long enough to sequester away enough assets to survive until I'm pensionable. I don't see why this is a big issue now that women so often have jobs themselves. But I agree employability is something that needs to be on the table when considering a mate for life. As long as there's likely to be enough money coming in somehow or other, I don't see why it should be all that much of a concern. The Aspie can always be a homemaker and pull their weight that way.

11. He may get depressed and/or be completely inert for long periods of time - Example: If you brain is spinning reading this list, can you imagine how someone with AS feels most of the time? They are trying to be their true authentic self, while constantly trying to conform to society. Having AS is emotionally draining, and when they crash emotionally, they may experience moments of depression.
I think most people will experience moments of depression. I don't go inert for long periods of time. Unless I'm asleep (which only happens between 11pm and 10am at the most), I'm always approachable....sometimes you might have to prod me twice, if I'm absorbed, but I'm easily reachable. Sure, an Aspie who was pushing the social envelope too long and hard would likely have setbacks and need down-time, but lots of people do hard jobs and come home with little left for their families. By steering clear of the rat race and wresting some kind of control over what the world of work can take from me, I don't have to come home in a foul mood, I'm fresh and ready to re-engage with my partner.

12. There will times he embarrasses you - Example: He may be so blunt, that he may make fun of you or others publicly with little regard for how it makes you feel.
I think most Aspies are rather wary of trying to make fun of others. There's a socially-acceptable version of that game, and we may try to emulate it for a while, but I don't believe we usually go on to be a particular problem with this one. I don't poke fun at people very often at all, and would be doubly reluctant to do that to a partner. And if NT's are so slick at put-downs as they're supposed to be, who is going to come off worse if they retaliate?

13. Your family and friends may think you're being a doormat and a fool - Example: If he does #12 and you don't bite his head off and have it for dinner, your family will think you are a pushover.
That's a silly way to put it. Surely one's friends and family, if they were benign people, would be more than content with you dealing with such an Aspie in a properly-measured way? It can hardly be blamed on the Aspie if his NT spouse has a assertiveness problem.

14. People will tell you he's just being a man - Example: Some will say you have a good man, and you are just being too sensitive, and you should just look past the little things he does because it could be worse.
So you'll be castigated for being a doormat AND for disliking the Aspie for his quirks? Maybe the answer is between these two harsh judgements, which don't become caring friends and family.

15. You must have a good social support network so you can go out and have fun once in a while - Example: Women who end up with AS men, usually become co-dependent on them (even if they weren't before) because they crave their attention so desperately. Without a good support system of family and friends to take you away from the void you will feel in your relationship, you may also be at risk for depression.
Sounds more like a problem for somebody stuck with an introverted, manipulative narcissist. I can see how an Aspie could get quite anxious about his NT partner going without him to social events he doesn't understand, but there's no reason why he would resort to forcing them to stay in with him. The only important thing here is to accept that the Aspie will likely be rather an introvert, and to understand the obvious pitfalls of an extravert getting hitched to them. But that's just basic horse sense.

16. Your AS male will not care about the things you do without him and there will be things he does not share with you - Example: He will encourage you to hang out, or do things with your friends, and you will think he does not love you, because if he did, he wouldn't be encouraging you to do your own thing without him.
So now he's encouraging you to go to those uncontrolled parties? I thought the Aspie had nailed your feet to the living room floor to keep you in? (point 15). A possessive bastard who also wants you to get your jollies with somebody else so that you don't bother him because he doesn't give a damn about you. Could it be that most Aspies are in the sane area between those two extremes?

17. Time holds a different meaning for him than it does for you - Example: If he says he will call you 5 minutes, he really means an hour.
Rubbish. Sure, Aspies have trouble keeping track of time. But they usually take punctuality very seriously, and tend to be able to use these things called clocks. If I say I'll call somebody in 5 minutes, I'll call them in 5 minutes. If it turned out to be 4 or 6 minutes, I would feel like I screwed up. I still struggle with the NT concept that a bit of error either way doesn't really matter.

18. He may want to sleep on the couch starting very early in the relationship and continuing throughout - Example: Even though he is quite attracted to you, and desires you, he values his space, and may enjoy sleeping on the couch throughout the relationship.
Not here. Apart from rare bouts of insomnia, I've always stuck to the matrimonial bed. If it's sensory issues, get a bigger bed, or get the NT to stop snoring.

19. You will never change him, even if you can succeed in getting him to change his behavior - Example: Asperger's is not curable, and there is no magic pill that will change the individual. Their brain is wired so differently, that even through therapy and behavior modification, he may change the way he reacts to things, but you will never change him as a person.
Why would you want to change the man, as a person, when you have already chosen him as a lifetime mate? I don't think one can change anybody as a person. We can negotiate behavioural adjustments and ground rules, we can educate to see the needs we would do well to respond to, but we don't change our basic personalities.

20. Even if he loves and values your relationship, it is possible that you may never get a commitment - Example: He may not place the same value on a wedding ring or a marriage certificate as you may.
What is "a commitment?" Willingness to marry? I've married 3 times. Aspies tend to stay in relationships. That's commitment. Doesn't this book rather talk the NT out of her commitment to the Aspie? Sure, we might not see much point in mainstream symbols such as rings, but if the NT ladies can just stay calm and talk about these things, I'm sure a reasonably articulate, caring Aspie could explain that he loves the woman and not the symbols.

21. Many AS/NT relationships go through various metamorphosis - Example: Due to these tricky social behaviors from your AS mate, there may be frequent break-ups and even more passionate make-up sessions; only to repeat this vicious cycle throughout the marriage.
I don't recognise this. My relationships have never been of the on-off variety. Usually, we begin, and later we end, and that's all.

22. Your relationship will stand a much better chance if your man will REACH - Example: If your AS partner does not realize that they have a behavior flaw, then it will be very difficult to correct or adjust his behavior. If your AS partner is not able to REACH and meet you half way, then the relationship stands a very slim chance of surviving as a healthy union.
Sounds like muddled psychobabble to me. So it's saying the Aspie has to take on board an "I'm OK, you're not OK" view of the relationship for it to work? Personally I think it's usually better to call for behavioural changes by being invitational rather than critical, at least in a relationship. The very assault on the pride of this "let's face it, you're flawed" approach can often me the thing that tips the balance in favour of denial. It's not the same as being told you've simply made a mistake. This is labelling.

Same place as Maxine Aston's, I expect.

So what you guys are trying to get across is they've more or less left vague references that could go for any guy. Sort of like your trip to the fortune teller...

1. You will be angry with him, often.

^ You hit the nail(s) right on the(ir) head(s)! ! Pretty much sympathize with everything said here!!

My 1st girlfriend was an NT but not a typical NT because she had sever dyslexia, ADHD & a little OCD. My 2nd girlfriend was an Aspie.

I want to do everything I can with my partner & both girlfriends I had were more withdrawn.


I am very affectionate with my partner in private but not in the very beginning because I desire affection as I get closer with her. I think I would be uncomfortable with things like making out in public but I like holding her hand & leaning against each other & having my arm around her in public thou I may be uncomfortable doing that around my parents because i always was kind of anti-affectionate with them.


I won't tell her I love her until I feel it so I may not use it in the beginning of the relationship but I tell her that a lot 1ce I feel it & I try to find other ways to tell/show her how much I love & care about her. Both girlfriends I had felt I was clingy because I told them that & other things too much.


Both my girlfriends were my special interest but they were always my special interest & our relationship was my 1st priority until we broke up. I can NOT imagine ever replacing my partner with someone or something else.


I'm sort of on the asexuality spectrum. I never had sex but my desire to is kind of dependent on my partner's. I start wanting it 1ce she starts talking about it & I want to do whatever she talks about. I desire to please my partner instead of desiring her to please me.


I am very interested in what my partner has to say but I sometimes do not know what to say about the topic or what questions to ask. I do NOT turn her out. The communication issues i had in my relationships were due to be being very literal, direct, & straightforward & my girlfriends were not on that level with me.


This is backwards because me & I think most Aspies would be the 1s wanting to leave & their NT partner would be the one wanting to stay. The problem here is that the NT was making an empty threat & the Aspie thought she was being serious. One of the most important things an NT should know about being with an Aspie is that Aspies tend to be be direct, straightforward & literal. I would have problems with my partner if she told me one thing when she didn't really mean it & meant something else instead.


I may not always know what to say to my partner when she's upset or something but I always WANT to be there for her & I try my very best to be. I ask her questions about what's going on, I ask her how she's feeling about things, I tell her I'm sorry, I ask what I can do to help, & I'll hold her & do other things to try to make her feel better. If the NT is going to think I lack empathy simply because I don't know what to say to her about the crisis despite doing that other stuff; we should NOT be together.


I do have more than my share of meltdowns but I do not just suddenly explode. I try discussing things & the person or people I'm talking with are not listening. They change the topic & turn it around to focus on me & my issues which looks to me like they are criticizing & insulting me. I get extremely frustrated because I feel like I am being insulted, ridiculed, criticized instead of addressing the issue I was trying to disuses.


This definably applies to me but not because of my AS. I'm dyslexic & was born with a rare low vision disorder that was not identified till my senior year in high-school; over 75% of school learning is visual. Bad vision limits employment options as well & I cant drive & live in a rural area without public transportation. I was working over 55hours a week when I was employed & they let because we were short-handed. I'm on disability & I do WANT to be working but finding a job here is difficult for me but as I said Aspergers has nothing to do with it.


I am prone to depression but having a partner who's there for me is a major help.


I do this but if my partner discusses it with me latter instead of getting upset with me or criticizing me; I will feel very sorry for it & try to learn & be more careful.


These two statements contradict each other & many in relationships where neither one is an Aspie & the relationship is doing well get told one or both of these things from different people.
I try to make a good impression on my partner's family & friends but what's extremely important to me is what my partner thinks & how she feels about me. It's impossible to please everyone so i focus on pleasing my partner.


I gave both my partners so much attention that they thought I was clingy.


#15 says she should have a good social support system so this one seems contradictory.
I would want to do most everything I can with my partner but I may encourage her to go out with her friends without me because I focus on my partner a lot when I'm with her & I think it can be good for us both to get a break from each other for a bit. My partner should be able to do stuff with her friend without me tagging along & imposing on a girls night out. I will show I really care about what she does without me by asking her about it after. I would do lots of other stuff with her thou & I will go out with her & her friends if she really wanted me to.


I would be the one getting upset with my partner meaning an hour when she says 5 minutes because I'm OCDish & say what I mean & mean what I say.


One of the bigger reasons I want a relationship is because I HATE having my space & hate sleeping alone; I mean sleep literally here. I would sleep a lot better with my arm around my partner holding her hand & my feet around her's


I want to be the best person I can be for my partner & I learn, mature & grow a lot better when I'm in a relationship but I know I will always be an Aspie but I try to be the best Aspie I can be & it would be great if my partner supported me instead of pressuring or demanding me to change.


I defiantly WANT to be married but I would rather elope than do the wedding ceremony but I would rather deal with a huge ceremony than not getting married at all


I want to go through all the changes together with my partner instead of breaking up & making up. I believe in discussing things to try to avoid that cycle & us working together & compromising when necessary.


I agree about reaching halfway. I did the majority of the reaching in my last relationship & things were very one-sided as a result.

23: If you're attracted to a man with Aspergers you probably have an IQ of around 65 and he's the closest to an Alpha male with high status you can find.

24: It's better to find a normal man.