So I had my first meetup with the woman I met on OKC

Page 3 of 6 [ 89 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089

04 Apr 2012, 8:44 pm

How do I begin to love myself when no one else has found me worth loving? Can hundreds of women all be wrong? Or is it more likely the problem is with me?

PaintingDiva
Deinonychus

Joined: 27 Jul 2011
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Posts: 335
Location: Left coast aka Northern California

04 Apr 2012, 8:52 pm

Smacks forehead.

I and no one else here on these forums are professional therapists. I could not even begin to answer that question.

I suggest you start volunteering for something, that you are interested in, and quit worrying about your lovability quotient. We are all lovable. We are all worthy. I am sorry you have had such a sh*t time with finding love.

It sucks, I know, been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. When I decided the hell with that idea, I became a lot calmer. That is just how it worked for me. You have to find your own way.

Keep breathing, have faith, and carry on.

aliceinchains1
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 3 Apr 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

04 Apr 2012, 8:58 pm

CloudLayer wrote:

BriansRuns, I think aliceinchains is either trying to provoke a reaction out of you or working out issues he has with what he sees as his own failings or both. As he said he expects to get banned, I don't think he posted to offer rational advice but for some other reasons that have nothing to do with the facts of your problem. I have no clue what leap of logic he took to make the Sodini connection.

I changed my password, not intending to sign on again even if I wasn't banned, but I'll just expand. He's made posts where couples have gotten together and said he hopes the guy cheats on her or beats her. Even if it is jealousy/sour grapes, it's still unhealthy.

I don't have any problem with Brianruns. I'm never going to meet the guy, and have no agenda. It's just clear that there are underlying anger issues. The girlfriend thing is a distraction, not the cause.

Nor do I hope or am rooting for him to become Sodini. I understand because of Aspergers (I have it myself) and being the age he is and never having a gf, or not knowing what it takes to attract a woman or the true nature of relationships (as Aharon alluded to) why he would feel this way. I felt this way minus the anger in my late teens/early 20s "if only I meet a girl" and people would tell me the same things...like yourself first, that relationships aren't all that.

The anger is what bothers me. I don't know him in person, and take him at his word that he doesn't have a violent bone in his body...but the bitterness and jealousy I see from him and other guys on l and d to me anyway is unhealthy. Normal to feel left out? Sure. But rooting for relationships to fail? (And he isn't the only one)

Even if he got a girlfriend today or this girl decided to be his long term girlfriend, the anger would show up eventually. Whatever issues you have, regardless of what the issues are, don't go away in a relationship.

That's why people on here give the "work on yourself first" advice.

Also...when you meet someone you like that likes you, then decides you are no longer good enough for them, it's the worst feeling in the world (even for NTs I hear)...I can speak from experience that it's worse than the never having any idea what dating or a relationship is like.

I suggested therapy because even if he doesn't become abusive toward others, he clearly doesn't value his life and he owes it to himself to feel some self-respect.

It's not like he has nothing to live for. He has hobbies, has a job, has his own place, etc. .

Aharon
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Dec 2011
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 745
Location: Kansas

04 Apr 2012, 9:01 pm

Ditto.

_________________
We are not so different from potted plants in that, if given everything we need to be properly nourished, the outcome can be incredibly contrary to when we are not. A flower won't grow in flour, and neither can we.

Brianruns10
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089

04 Apr 2012, 9:02 pm

I've tried so many times to say "to hell with it," but I just keep thinking about women and relationships how dearly I want to be in one. I've seen my friends marry and drift away as I become less important, and my parents are getting older. I've got to find someone to fill that growing void.

And if I don't get a relationship now, won't women just wonder what is wrong with me because I haven't had one? It risks becoming a vicious circle,spiraling down.

And the fact is it's hard. I work my ass off to make ends meet, and the rest of the time working my ass off working on films, hoping, praying one will be the one that proves I have some talent.

And I just am sick of spending my evenings alone, watching movies I adore but have no one to share them with.

Brianruns10
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089

04 Apr 2012, 9:09 pm

aliceinchains1 wrote:

CloudLayer wrote:

It's not like he has nothing to live for. He has hobbies, has a job, has his own place, etc. .

It's all material. The only thing that matters are other people. What did Clarence say in "It's a Wonderful Life?" "No man is a failure who has friends." It's our relationships with others that define us. I mean, my work is meant for others to enjoy. If others don't, my films are meaningless utter wastes of time. And right now I don't matter to other people. So all the material gains are grains of sand, utterly without value if I can't share them with someone. That's why I feel self destructive. What worth is a person if they don't matter to others? Nothing.

aliceinchains1
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 3 Apr 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

04 Apr 2012, 9:14 pm

Do you have friends? And you said your family loves you? I'm lucky enough to have parents that are understanding and truly love me, but I know people who aren't and have parents that totally ignore them/don't even seem to care about them.

I can also say the unconditional love your parents/siblings and whoever else gives you is better than any friendship or romantic relationship. If you have that unconditional love from them, it doesn't go away. Friends come and go, relationships end, there's a 50 percent divorce rate even for NTs. Family is the one thing that will always be there if you're lucky, which I am and it sounds like you are too.

Brianruns10
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089

04 Apr 2012, 9:17 pm

But one day I will lose my parents, and who will take their place? They are so dear to me, and I'm afraid that when I lose them I really WILL be alone.

I've gotten better, but for a while I was really trying to distance myself from them..not out of hatred but because I was so profoundly terrified of losing them that I wanted to break those emotional ties so that when the day finally comes they are both gone I wouldn't hurt so bad, or be so affected by the void they leave behind...

bruinsy33
Velociraptor

Joined: 31 Jul 2011
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 446

04 Apr 2012, 9:22 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:

We had an impromptu lunch, at a lovely restaurant near where we both work. We had a nice conversation for about 45 minutes. She was really beautiful, worldly, sophisticated, and I loved every minute of it.

At the end, I said how much I had enjoyed lunch, and suggested we meet again. It was at this point she said that she was embarking on a series of first dates with people she met on OKC, because she is not sure what she it looking for. But she wants to keep in touch, whatever that means...

It is perfectly reasonable, and I completely understood her position.

And yet I'm filled completely with despair. There are two possibilities: the first, is that she was really giving me a polite "no thank you" and my chances with her are zero. The second, is that she was indeed being forthright, which means there are others I'm competing with, in which case my chances are also basically zero, because who the hell do I have a chance of competing with and really winning?

I mean, what chance do I have? She could have her pick, and in hindsight it was a miracle I even got one date with her. Just another in a string of first dates that went nowhere, and this is likely to be the same. And out of it, she'll probably find someone great, and I wind up alone.

What a rotten, rotten system, where two people's happiness is contingent on two more being rejected.

I feel utterly worthless. What chance do I have of finding anyone, really? None. Gonna die alone, a failure. I feel a great urge to kill myself. A really great urge. The only thing holding me back is fear of disappointing my parents. They all I really have. Yet, aren't I already a disappointment because I haven't achieved more than I have, because I'm not married like my sister, because I've got no one, and I live in a crummy apartment and I make films no one cares about.

I just dearly want someone I can love, and who'll love me. And yet I have to go through the unending turmoil of dating, of having to compete like it's for a job, and every time I'm beaten out by some other guy.

I really just want to die. Nothingness is better than being aware of how alone, unwanted, and unworthy I really am. What's worse, is I'm too big of a coward to actually go through with it, so I'm trapped forever...

You may want to look elsewhere besides this particular woman . It wasn't the politest thing in the world[in my opinion ] for her to say she is ''embarking on a series of first dates'' as if you are just one of a long list of candidates. One lunch date should be enough time to determine whether or not you have an interest in someone .Most people know whether or not they are interested rather quickly.

mushroo
Velociraptor

Joined: 14 Sep 2011
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 492

04 Apr 2012, 9:30 pm

Since you are a student of film, I know that you know that everyone feels this way sometimes, and usually the movie has a happy ending. If nothing else, I hope you will make great art from your experiences.

Ria1989
Deinonychus

Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 341

04 Apr 2012, 9:36 pm

bruinsy33 wrote:

Brianruns10 wrote:

That's what I thought.

She is obviously pretty picky if she needs a lot of men to choose from. You did mention she is beautiful, so I guess she would have a lot of choices. To me, her saying that is analogous to a hiring manager saying he or she has a ton of applicants, so they're just going to start interviewing a bunch of them. It's good she chose you. I'm sure she discarded a ton of other applicants, I mean potential dates. Believe me, there are many people looking right now, and are having no such luck. Your life is worth more than the weight YOU put on a relationship.

Also, look at how many people already posted. Everyone here cares, and I think there are people you know who care too, even if you don't think they do.

_________________
Ummmm....

Subotai
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Sep 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,036
Location: 日本

04 Apr 2012, 9:39 pm

Honestly to me it sounds like you neglected to build enough attraction before moving to comfort building.
This is MM sequencing mistake #2; To start in the middle.
Ideally a courtship should follow this pattern; Attraction--->Comfort--->Seduction.
So instead of an initial nice conversation getting to know each other you should try to subtly demonstrate value you can bring to her life

And this is obviously easier said than done but during the course of your time together if you can get her to invest value in you somehow it increases likelihood of another meeting. Time spent is actually a small investment which you have already accomplished with the date alone.

_________________
...and his prowess on the battlefield is surpassed only by his skill in the bed chamber.

TechnoDog
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Feb 2012
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 869
Location: Thornaby, UK

04 Apr 2012, 9:41 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:

making films that no one will really watch.

You have these films on youtube or something? Like a site you make money from, for clicks or something. Then people will be able to see them & give some positive feed back, about your work. I would like to have a watch of your work.

I have no friends either. I am having a break from bothering with relationships. Not got the anger problems & understand the not directing it at someone, more likely to step in front of someone & take the fall.

_________________
INTJ, Type5 Observer, Ecologists,
?When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.?

Alexender
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Jan 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,194
Location: wrongplanet

04 Apr 2012, 9:43 pm

Subotai wrote:

Hooray Pick up artists!!

_________________
www.wrongplanet.net

Brianruns10
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,089

04 Apr 2012, 9:47 pm

Here's some of my stuff. It's pretty much all s**t.

Faner Hall Part 1

Here's my profile if you want to see the rest of my "films"

My Film Page

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

04 Apr 2012, 10:06 pm

Aharon wrote:

First off, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was there too. So remember everything I say applies to me too!

You feel so alone now, and you are, but there are worse kinds of alone then what you're feeling. Being with someone doesn't guarantee companionship and joy. You can be with someone and be 10 times more alone and miserable then you were by yourself. You can be in bed next to the love of your life, and she shrugs away from you even in her sleep, because she's that hurt.

I used to hate myself all the time. I got fixated on this idea that if I could just find someone to love me, then my whole life would change. And it did change! It got WORSE! Trust me when I say this; if you don't love yourself, there's no woman who ever lived that can change that. You have got to accept yourself and love yourself, or you'll just be a bottomless well some poor woman pours her life into, and gets nothing back for it.

Many men have walked the same path in life before I walked it. Many men have walked it since. You are walking it now. This is not like in the movies, where they find love in the end and run off into the rainbows together. This is LIFE. And it's more real, more work. and more disappointing then anyone can imagine. And you can't fool life.

Getting into a relationship doesn't solve problems. It creates problems. All the way from where do I put toothbrush now to there's some things about this person i just can't stand. And it creates people too. Little kids who grow up in their parent's shattered delusions.There's so much more at stake then one man's lonliness.

Do yourself a favor. Don't do ANYTHING you are not totally at ease with doing the rest of your life. Because the trend is the courtship ends after marriage, even in an NT/NT relationship. Don't make it where "normal" ends after marriage begins.

Just be you. And if you want to work on yourself, by all means do so. Just remember to be honest. If she doesn't pick you because of that, it's better that way, I assure you.

I wish you success!

can i copy your post over to the "Essential Advice" thread? your advice is quite awesome

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt174424.html

_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105

Page 3 of 6 [ 89 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Next

Jump to:

So I had my first meetup with the woman I met on OKC Post Reply New Topic

So I had my first meetup with the woman I met on OKC