Wife has bad day, I don't know how to respond

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This is great. I like your answer better than I do mine. Especially the suggested questions.

Actually, Silvervarg is a male and has supported both the OP and the OP's SO with the response he made. His response showed that he understood what the woman was going through, and was trying to help the OP to give the correct support. I am female, and can completely understand what the female in this situation is going through. But that doesn't mean that I don't understand the male point of view either; as I said before, my fiance and I go through these scenarios, too. He will not respond in a way that will comfort me, and I get frustrated and feel that he simply doesn't care. He will think that he is showing support, but it isn't the type of support that I am seeking. I also know that both men and women can differ in what they require the way of support when they are seeking it. Some people (male or female) just want a listener who interjects supportive comments here and there. Some people want someone to advise them. And so on.

I don't think it's a girl thing. Men and women can have trouble dealing with strong emotions. Clearly she's being or at least perceives that she's being abused by her boss, and feels powerless to do anything about it. Powerlessness tends to create tension everywhere. I'm not saying she is powerless - she could quit. But for some reason she must feel that she can't quit. Maybe there's some underlying feeling that her husband should provide more so she could quit, and maybe that's misplaced. I'm not going to try to second guess anyone else's relationship, but I worked for most of my life at jobs I didn't particularly like and felt I had to because I was the only real breadwinner. Even our own choices can feel terribly limiting and victim-like at times. That can prompt us to behave badly.

I can't defend the wife's behavior in this case, but everyone's behavior has a cause, and it's not usually just something internal to them. We all have our weaknesses, our sore spots that can be pushed by others. To me the husband appears to be a victim here too. He isn't the one abusing his wife, the boss is. But it's not his place to go fix the situation at her job. He can only do his part at home, or by assuring her she has a right to not be abused, that he'll support her in any decision she makes. Should he abandon her to this situation? That's not what marriage is about. It's a partnership, a commitment to be with the other through life's problems.

The bit about her mentioning the other man in the chat room, while that was honest of her, it hurt her husband. Spouses need to be able to accept each other's weaknesses as well as strengths. No one is perfect. We all have weaknesses. She's clearly having problems dealing with her situation, so she's not free of weaknesses either. The important thing is to find one's own strength in any situation and use one's strengths to find a solution. To focus on anyone's weaknesses and try to change them doesn't really help.

Whether it was a man or woman who was a stay at home parent, I think the issue would still be that one parent feels forced to stay in a job they detest in order to support the family. When the choice is between being abused at work and making your family homeless, well that's not much of a choice! I don't see the answer necessarily as the husband getting work, I understand why a family wants a parent at home, but the situation needs to be faced by both of them. Having only one income is contributing to the problem.

Ahhh, I see what you mean now. Yes, I do think it's a woman thing. I think the way women and men discuss problems are different. Women want to look into all sorts of reasons as to why people say things, and they'll read magazines on relationships, etc. You sometimes get the odd man who thinks in a similar way, except for reading relationship articles, but otherwise, I think women discuss problems far more. There might be a bit about solving in it, but mostly it's talking about why they happen, and it's a sort of release. I've found it doesn't take much negativity at all for a man to switch off in conversation. I've learned that very few men are interested at all in listening to problems to do with people. Maybe it's because they know that women often want to talk about problems, but not necessarily solve them immediately. Also, I think a man has a pride thing about not wanting to appear "emotional/bitchy like a woman". Sorry to say this, but that's the impression I get from men, and even women sometimes.

From what I've seen, any man I've known who has had problems, has had a really big pride thing about it, and doesn't want to discuss them, and he blames himself as his ego is hurt and tries not to think about it. When he blames himself, he doesn't admit it, he just shuts it in. There's also a 'toughness' thing going on, and this pride of not crying because otherwise the other side has "won". I honestly only believe communication in this way is different, simply because girls are allowed to cry and boys aren't. Perhaps it's potentially damaging to be told to shut in your feelings, or maybe it's worse when you're brought up to discuss them and rely on other people. I really can't figure out the answer. I just think men and women should be raised the same, but pfft, that isn't happening soon.

I've got a big headache at the moment, so if any of the above doesn't make sense, I will explain at another time.

thank you, SpiritBlooms!

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it's interesting to me that people are suggesting that there is a gender difference in how people want this situation approached. the stereotype has always been that women want men to hug them and say, "there, there", whereas men want to help them to actually FIX their problems. yet i am seeing the opposite situation being presented as the norm in this thread. it makes me wonder if neither assumption is actually correct, but that it is highly individual and situational.

about the comment about cheating, i think she was sending him a message that she will NOT cheat on him, which i believe is a good thing. she is sending the message that she still wants to work on fixing the communication divide.

It's reassuring to know that you don't see the wife's behaviour as OK, and that you can see how it probably hurt him. AFAIK he hasn't said, but I'd be surprised if it didn't.

Thanks also for your opinion on if it's a girl thing. I certainly prefer it not to be. Passive aggression? Just guessing. Depends on whether there's denial. Displacement behaviour? (boss kicks worker, worker kicks spouse).

I agree that it wouldn't help to focus on nothing but her mistake. She's clearly in a very nasty situation, and you're right to say so, and to suggest the likely feelings she's having over that.

You're seeing the opposite situation as the norm Hyperlexian? How so?

the popular stereotype is that women want platitudes and hugs, whereas men want to fix problems. this thread show that people don't always fit the stereotype as so many women are suggesting that the OP should offer more practical support

It sounded a lot more like a threat to me. It almost sounds like she is saying that is the reason why women cheat and if she doesn't get the type of support she wants, she will cheat too.

close to half of all people cheat eventually. i think if she planned to do it, she likely wouldn't be silly enough to threaten first. broadcasting an intention like that would be counterproductive

Exactly.

..Which raises the question, does most people eventually doing it make it ok? And a sub question: Does one action necessarily mean a partner is likely to cheat or not?

i think cheating is wrong, but so incredibly common that it is worth investigating WHY it happens. the book 'Sex At Dawn' had an interesting theory about it. too complicated for me to explain while typing on my phone, but the book was an incredible read

I dunno about the content but the title sounds pretty good

I agree!

I understand her point of view. I understand her reason for mentioning cheating. But the simple fact is that he was trying to help, even if he did it badly, and when he failed she chose to say something most would find extremely hurtful. This is not acceptable in a relationship, and I find myself wondering why he is so concerned with comforting someone who has no qualms about purposefully trying to hurt him. He caused her pain, but he did so by mistake while having good intentions. She reacted by purposefully and maliciously attempting to cause him pain as well. The fact that she sees that as acceptable is going to cause them more problems than his not knowing how to comfort her.

And I know you didn't say anything about him getting a job. That comment wasn't directed at you, but at the people who did seem to see that as the main issue.