Approaching a girl - the female perspective

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Before I begin, I should preface with the fact that I seem to be atypical when it comes to women. I am shy, like logical progressions, and panic slightly when (and if) hit on. I am neither neurotypical nor autistic, walking the thin line according to the specialists. However, I have had success with relationships and am currently dating a wonderfully charming individual who has struggled with aspergers his entire life. If you are interested in dating for a long term relationship, I believe you will find help in my suggestions.

First, to answer your question about when girls get hit on, I can honestly say my first feelings (regardless of how the person looks) is panic and distrust. I don't know who this person is. I don't know with what intentions he is approaching me. I don't know if he is going to try to trick me. He is someone that has come up to me out of nowhere and who has no idea of who I am. I am 90% sure that his eyes will glaze over if I start talking about how dragonball is actually a retelling of "The Journey to the West" or describing how different monster races are far more entertaining to play as than core races in D&D 3.5. If a man were to come up to me in a bar, I would rather he try to start a conversation with me based on common interests. Girls like it when you ask questions about them. Girls like to feel important. If your interests don't match up, move on to another girl. Don't try to make it work based on the fact that she's pretty. If you couldn't see yourself being friends, you likely won't do well in a long term relationship. Also, you're going to want to talk about the things that are important to you. Make sure that your area of interest matches up. To summarize, go for compatibility over looks.

Girls WILL judge by looks. Even I am guilty of that. Girls will generally go for someone they believe is close to their levels of attractiveness. This translates into you (almost) never getting the super hot chick's number. Shoot for middle. The cute girl that has her own quirks and you share interests with. Try to start off as friends. Have a conversation. Ask her questions about her hobbies, her favorite movie, whether she likes video games or not, her favorite book. Try to keep her talking. If she asks you questions, be sincere but not overwhelming. See if you want to hang out with this person more. Physical signs that she is receptive: touching her hair a lot, making eye contact, smiling a lot (real smiles. You can tell because the lower eyelids move). My boyfriend went through training so he could use the pheromones girls give off to tell if they were flirting with him. If you've had a good conversation, at the end of the night express that you would like to talk to her/hang out again. If she agrees, exchange numbers. If not, express regret and move on.

My number one rule in dating is be friends first. Get to know each other. Your hobbies are important to you, and you shouldn't have to hide them. Also (this is big) it is VERY unfair if you don't tell her about your aspergers (and I would recommend it early in the relationship. Not the first time you talk to her, but say, second or third date). It doesn't have to be a big deal and it's not something to be ashamed of, but it WILL have a huge impact on your relationship romantic or otherwise. I recommend the book "The Journal of Best Practices" by David Flinch. It gives several practical hints on how to have a relationship with an NT. If you explain what you need to help make the relationship successful and mutually beneficial, then she will likely be happy to help and won't be frustrated in the future. It's not a cowards way out to discuss your aspergers with her. The best start to a relationship I've ever had was when my current boyfriend sat me down and explained how his "contract" worked when dating.

As for early relationship stuff, just try to find out about her. Hang out. Go to someplace public and fun like the zoo or a park. Try to tailor things to what she likes. Also, be you. Honestly, if she doesn't like it now she likely won't like it later. Be romantic and charming, but put your own spin on it. What do you love? What does she love? My first date with my boyfriend was to PetsMart to look at ferrets. It doesn't have to be hollywood, but it should be somewhat you. As for non-date time, girls like to feel special. Just try to follow that specific rule. Make them feel special, be sincere about it.

When it comes to physical intimacy, first explain that you are inexperienced and want to do the best you can and for that to happen, you need communication. Second, it is better for you to wait too long than initiate too quickly. If she gets frustrated, just tell her she is too important for you to mess up the pacing. She'll probably be mollified with that.

If you ended up not wanting to read all that, than you should still read "The Journal of Best Practices." It's extremely helpful when it comes to relationship stuff. I hope at least some of what I said was helpful and hopefully it wasn't too preachy. ^-^

Last edited by darkfoxkyoko on 22 Jun 2012, 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I was going to answer the thread's question, but it's too late right now. I'll answer it later.

Confidence is not correlated to intelligence. I've seen many confident. intelligent men who are successful with the ladies and their smarts will compliment their confidence and impress women.

But I've seen the other extremes as well. Intelligent men can also be overconfident or lack confidence. The trick is to treat women you are interested in as if you both have equal rights and value, as you would treat you male friends and female friends. The key is assertiveness.

Also, are you in university? There are many women in math or computer science programs who may relate thanks to similar interests. You can find someone who will be happy with your interests just as much as you are.

As for activities to do together, it's about having fun and sharing a life. Pretty much anything you both care to do will count. And no, you don't have to pursue those activities outside of dating for it to be fun.

I personally would rather have a man who is interesting.

OK. I'm not at a university but shortly I'll get a degree of tertiary education, that is Specialist with a Diploma or DiS. And I hope to exchange it for a shortened Bachelor studies at a private university, which is gonna cost me, but that's the life. On the bright side, I'll study in Prague and I suppose there will be intelligent girls. (also, an Aspie help group) I burned my nose at math and computer studies, so now I hope to finish undergrad public administration course and start with Sociology.


I see this is going to be valuable. I am very interested in a long term relationship. Of course in reality we usually have to get to know many people before finding the right one.

Very well. Anime and DnD doesn't sound bad to me. I suppose I'll want to avoid girls who don't have any special interests, opinions, knowledge and so on, yet without offending them.
What do you think if the guy talks about his special interests? With some restraint and reciprocity, but still. People tell me I look very intelligent, guileless and honest, but you know how Aspies speak. If I use any long and precise words, I suppose it looks like I'm showing off my intellect or something. At worst I'm a jerk, at best the girl would think she's not intelligent enough for a relationship this guy. I even got into trouble once because I look like an arrogant intellectual even if I sit and do nothing. I get better along with people who are self-confident themselves and some brainy dude's not gonna spoil their day.

Men are visual creatures and as such I can't blame women for having eyes too, when evolution blessed them with a magnificent peripheral vision. And yes, the cute girls of the middle scale with their quirks ARE very attractive for me. Thanks for the tips and hints. I love to answer questions, but maybe too much. And if I try to cut down the answer to reasonable size, it probably sounds like I'm dumbing it down for her.

Btw, what could you tell me about a few extra pounds on a guy, is that a problem? No belly sticking out, but let's say I'm big-boned with broad chest and shoulders, 175 cm (5'10''). The same force of shame that keeps me working out for years (half-heartedly) is the force that makes me avoid girls broader and heavier than me. Other than that, I basically don't care.

Very well, if you say so, I'll take your word on that. The point is, I'm a somewhat cultured Aspie and the external descriptions portray it worse than it currently is in my case. So if I tell her, I also have to tell her that I worked hard on social awareness and practical skills and I wasn't as badly afflicted as some cases to begin with. Well, I suppose it's an emotional topic and that clouds my judgement of who to tell. Maybe girls don't mind that much and will be glad that I'm not trying to pretend being a Mr Perfect.

By the way, would you consider telling me something of your boyfriend's idea of a 'contract', if that isn't too personal?

All right. Looks like I'll have to re-learn what people do outside socially. Going for a walk, run, hike, ride or a swim is nice, but I also need to learn about zoos, pet shops, cinemas, theaters and so on. How to have fun outside of my head. When people want to have fun outside, there are usually many other people around who demand money for that. This is going to take some adjustment.

It would be nice if my girl was compatible with my activities, but they are hardly ever neutral as for opinions, worldviews and stuff. Let's take you as an example, how would you feel considerately informed, that your BF sometimes attends group meditations? Would you consider joining in, doing what it takes? Mind you, I might meditate and pronounce a ritual formula (and this is my natural environment), but I go to an evangelical youth group when they invite me and I've been on a Catholic mass out of curiosity. I was on an anti-political demonstration and I'd go to a skeptical conference without second thought. That's the way I am, as social as I get, as a sociologist, studying the society. Doesn't it kill the romance? I guess neutral places and activities are made to emphasize how the girl is special.
But again, I need some external object or a greater cause to draw me outside and determine the activities. I guess a girl will have to be that greater cause

Don't worry, I like to read and I can appreciate people's attention I've searched a few dozen websites for this book, but all the links are dead. And the price is somewhat bigger than usual. I don't know if I'll buy that book, from the excerpts and reviews it looked like David Finch had a huge amount of idiosyncracies. How he managed to retain them and get married I don't understand. Maybe he lived in a really friendly and tolerant place that didn't get too harsh on him. Looks like his inner landscape needed lots awareness and weeding out the excessive quirks, but in comparison mine's a scorched land that needs to grow some vegetation again.

Maybe I just think way too much ahead. Aspergers is genetic and I'm sure I'll want children someday. I don't want to start a relationship with the woman thinking, "well, let's think twice before sheltering these defective autistic genes. Maybe I should call Bob, in his family is running just some heart disease and pancreas cancer."
This is why I'd rather wait till there's some chemistry between us.

Or,
just wait for some cute chick who's ready to change men. practice on her.

right place, right time, for the win


there's always someone looking for an upgrade.

Yep - just like my ex-wife who threw away our marriage and destroyed our entire family to "upgrade".

Don't be "that guy".

Yeah, I learned that the hard ($$) way too.
Don't marry her, just practice being you.

=)

Female of which species perspective?

Female spider perspective?

Female T-Rex perspective?

or Female human perspective?


Beware....

This part I wind up overlooking because I might be too caught up in the other portions of the date in question. What would be something to look out for in a case like this???

Presumably, female of a species that:
- has access to a viable computer;
- can internetz on one;
- has accessed this site;
- and this thread;
- can read the language of this thread;
- can type the language of this thread;
- and cares to answer.
. . . more or less . . .
. . . or something.
I reckon.

I'm also assuming he's using 'perspective' in a metaphorical sense. sorta.
But you know what happens if you assume. =/

It's irrelevant to the topic. He's just making a passive aggressive dig at me on a thread I'm not even really participating in.
All because I point out when 'female' is being incorrectly used as a noun where it should be used as a modifier.

Sorry, but "female" can correctly be used as either noun or adjective. There is no grammatical issue at all with with referring to men and women as males and females.

It's just that you personally don't like it.

Yup, it can be used either way. It depends on the context.
It is something that also bothers me when it's technically correct but still not best usage. Which also has to do with associations I have with that quirk of vernacular and the tone of discussions about gender issues it's often used in.
If people are talking about males do this, females do this it doesn't bother me so much.
When people say "females are xyz" or "hey men, what do you think when females xyz. That's when it really bugs me because the language you chose to express yourself with matters and can point to underlying assumptions.
So I call out when I see it, because it bugs me.
Whether or not I'm right about it, funnily enough, not relevant to it's being brought up here by boo for no other reason than to be mocking.

Are you sure of that? I mean....maybe I was really convinced and adopted your reasoning!

positive Boo
I don't think you were being outright antagonistic, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt
often times when you poke at me it's amusing (to me, I suppose is something I have to specify)
this wasn't one of those times

now I actually feel really guilty about this derail, sorry people have a non-my issue related discussion

*Pokes*