Question for the females.

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There are still some families like that left! Don't give up in the idea that you can find a relationship like that. In my house we never think about who makes what. Our money is communal. As long as we have enough money as a family to take care of everyone's needs we're happy. We're not very materialistic so maybe that's part of why money isn't a big issue for us, we tend to not spend unless it's necessary. We're also very "till death do us part". We live in a French province but due to learning disabilities my spouse was unable to learn French very well which severely limits his job opportunities even though he has an education. Never once has it crossed my mind to leave him to find a more financially stable partner. Don't give up on finding the kind of woman you want.

Could be you're fishing in the wrong pool. My sister had a hard time meeting the right man after she divorced her 1st husband. She had a 5 YO daughter & every time she started to get serious about a man, he'd bolt. She was dating nice single guys. I said to her, "Sis, you need to be dating DAD's, men who have proven they can handle the responsibility & enjoy doing it." With that shift in perspective, it wasn't but a couple of years before she found her mate... a man w/two sons of his own. They've since had two more kids, it's a lovely blended family & they've been together 12 years. They both work.

Find women who have had similar experiences... they ended up w/deadbeat husbands (yep, men do it, too) OR who maybe ended up in a relationship w/someone who had serious mental illness & so divorced. That's the story w/my sister's husband... his first wife developed schizophrenia & wouldn't do treatment ("The Lord will heal her"... we're all still waiting ). For sanity's sake, he divorced, got full custody of his sons & remarried.

Try looking in another direction.

My husband definitely has some behaviors that are hard to deal with--as I'm sure I have some that are hard to deal with, as well--but we've been married 3 years now, I love him dearly, and I don't foresee us ever divorcing, because both of us are committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. And this in spite of the fact that he was in his mid 50s, never married, and had no kids before he married me, a divorced NT woman with three teenagers.

So don't give up! Compatibility, shared values, common likes and dislikes, "chemistry," etc., are all important for having a successful marriage, but I think determination, commitment, and integrity on the part of both partners are more important.

Frankly I've only known one lady who expected me to finance her........it angered me because she seemed to see it as an entitlement and wasted a lot of good cash on poorly-planned ventures. She would actually get angry with me for resisting. I ended up feeling I was a mean bastard, which is absurd because I'd always been generous to partners with money......indeed with my next partner I had to keep telling her not to stand on ceremony if she saw anything she liked, but to just let me know - she didn't have much money of her own and was used to being frugal.

Really I just want to run finances on socialist principles - each gives according to their abilities and takes according to their needs. If I act too much like a meal ticket, I'll probably start feeling insecure and imagining she only wants me for one thing.

yes, i read the whole thread, and your very first statement spoke volumes.

i read it again, and there is really nothing else to add. you seem to want the women to depend on you, so they will.

Hyperlexian--your diction is awesome. I totally agree with your reply.

I only suggest, don't just "expect" them to contribute--but draw a clear boundary--and communicate it.

Like about 7 out of 10 of girls i meeting lately value the guy by his $$.

I thought at first that I might have been unfair about it but well....

It's a fu*kl@$#% fact.


the other day, i was showing the wedding pics and vids to a female acquaintance ( http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf164596-0-75.html ) and she literally said "awww, i really want to marry a man with a lot of money to have a wedding like this"

lol.


Foreigner girls are less likely to be like that but I do keep my alarm sensors on till proven otherwise.

AspergianMutantt, when your ideals bite you in the butt, then it is a sign that they no longer work for you. your ideal of being mutually dependent (aka "codependent", which i assure you is a very bad road) is leading you to share finances, which clearly has been a problem thus far. perhaps other people can share finances effectively because they are not supporting their partner to an unhealthy degree in other aspects.

for example, if i walk to work ever day - a healthy choice just like many other people like my parents have done, yet... i develop tendinitis in my feet, then i need to re-evaluate why this supposedly healthy exercise is doing me harm. maybe i can't walk to work every day, even though it should be a very good choice according to the people around me. fact is, we bring our baggage and our impairments along into every activity or relationship choice, so we are not have an identical starting point to other people.

you can care for each other to a degree and even contribute to household finances on a differential level when necessary while still retaining separate funds.

a very good article that i just read yesterday in Psychology Today advocates the best relationship advice i have EVER seen: