ValentineWiggin
Veteran
Joined: 15 May 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,907
Location: Beneath my cat's paw
20 Jul 2012, 4:39 pm
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
Do you guys think it's easy for us to understand you?
I
I
Yes, I think so.
I so often see female users here complaining about specifically understanding other women, not as frequently as male users complaining about their male buddies.
A lot of your fellow female WP users admit that men are easier to understand. What does that indicate? it indicates that men are really easier to understand.
"Admit"??? I "admit" that men are easier to understand FOR ME, because I'm AUTISTIC,
meaning those same types of rapid-fire, nuanced, empathic-heavy interactions more typical of female communication than male are particularly hard for me because I have Asperger's.
This isn't a regular forum. It's a forum for a developmental disorder with a neurological component, men and women already being possessing of different neurology, if only slightly- ask the (presumably NT) women making up the majority the question references, and I'd bet they'd have no idea what was going on inside the head of an Autistic male because they're likewise two brain types removed. Street = two way.
Conversely, I've seen several of the more sensitive-type males here say they identify more with (stereo)typically female ways of being, thinking, and communicating, but then, they're not by nature the ilk who like to imply one whole sex or the other is comprised of some sort of indecipherable alien creature.
Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 20 Jul 2012, 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
20 Jul 2012, 4:44 pm
ValentineWiggin
Veteran
Joined: 15 May 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,907
Location: Beneath my cat's paw
20 Jul 2012, 4:46 pm
20 Jul 2012, 8:59 pm
20 Jul 2012, 9:20 pm
20 Jul 2012, 9:26 pm
20 Jul 2012, 10:27 pm
Kinme wrote:
Because I'm one of the people on here who's in an aspie-aspie relationship, I'll give my opinion. It can go both ways with communication issues and understanding each other. I haven't been in an NT relationship, so I wouldn't know about that. I notice that we both end up confused a lot of the time, and it takes patience and a willingness to listen to the other person. You can't rush these things. Most of the time, I can't figure out facial expressions, and those facial expressions that I already misinterpreted weren't accurate in portraying his emotions anyway--this also includes tone of voice. Same goes for me and my expressions/tone of voice; he ends up just as confused. We have to stop and just ask each other rather than just assume anything. Chances are, our assumptions are pretty inaccurate.
You are dealing with fears that I've also/still do deal with. I seriously doubt that you'll be a burden if the person genuinely loves you and cares about you. I know I've felt like a burden with the way I incorrectly express emotions and can be very unaffectionate sometimes, but he is understanding and gives me space when I need it. Vice-versa. You seem like a kind person; I'm sure you will find someone that will treat you right.
I hope this helps a little.
You are dealing with fears that I've also/still do deal with. I seriously doubt that you'll be a burden if the person genuinely loves you and cares about you. I know I've felt like a burden with the way I incorrectly express emotions and can be very unaffectionate sometimes, but he is understanding and gives me space when I need it. Vice-versa. You seem like a kind person; I'm sure you will find someone that will treat you right.
I hope this helps a little.
More than helps a little! You and all the others who've been posting here have made analyzing my own problems much easier, and it truly makes me feel like I'm not alone in my thought process. Really, I cannot thank you enough
20 Jul 2012, 10:38 pm
aspiemike wrote:
I have found myself able to read some basic body language at points that tells me when a girl is interested in someone else. There have been times where I knew a girl has been interested in me. Certain situations I would push away because I knew I did not have a good match (ie. I work with them, they dated a friend, etc.). This has happened only with a select few. Sometimes I wonder if I should have told the girl "I can definitely read your body language and you can deny this all you want, but you like that guy." These were girls that may have liked me and didn't want to admit to that either, but did not want to "hurt me" and chose to lie instead.
I can tell you one thing about communication and body language and it goes to eye contact. A person's eyes, specifically their pupils, will always tell the story. Their body language just supports the story. Remember that with some people. If a person's pupils dilate and grow when a certain person is brought up, it may just indicate that she does like that person. Now watch her body language when she is around that person and you will learn some basic hints. There may be some verbal hints too, and they are actually quite obvious compared to the subtle body language. Sometimes keywords are used. That is what I find from my experience. I can only tell when someone is interested and I have that experience to lean back on. It is what to do afterwards where things sometimes fall apart.
I can tell you one thing about communication and body language and it goes to eye contact. A person's eyes, specifically their pupils, will always tell the story. Their body language just supports the story. Remember that with some people. If a person's pupils dilate and grow when a certain person is brought up, it may just indicate that she does like that person. Now watch her body language when she is around that person and you will learn some basic hints. There may be some verbal hints too, and they are actually quite obvious compared to the subtle body language. Sometimes keywords are used. That is what I find from my experience. I can only tell when someone is interested and I have that experience to lean back on. It is what to do afterwards where things sometimes fall apart.
To your first paragraph, I had a couple girls outside of the ones I dated that I knew were interested in me too. One in particular was an over-the-top, straight-out-of-an-anime girl with a tendency to hit me like lots of anime girls do (which was always scaring me). But I was extremely polite and gentle in my rejection when she actually confessed to me because I know exactly what it feels like: pure crap, especially since I was her first interest.
Your second paragraph surprises me. I didn't realize the eyes were such a good indicator of someone interested in you. I still have a hard time making extended eye contact with people (mostly because I feel like they stare straight into my soul), but I'll remember to look for that. Your other body and subtle verbal cues are things I'm gonna have to try too; sounds like I just didn't pay nearly enough attention to girls I spoke to
20 Jul 2012, 10:46 pm
Peahen wrote:
NT female here, dating an aspie male.
Not all women expect you to read their minds, and in the case of AS, gents . . . how do you expect them to read yours? How do you expect her to know off-the-bat that you're not going to read her body language/hints/flirtations? You don't have to come right out and say that you're an aspie, but be honest if you want it to work out. Tell her that you're no good at hints, and that she'll need to be blunt with you. If she cares and wants it to work, that should inspire her to be more direct about her needs and desires. If I want something from my guy, or if something is bothering me, I flat out tell him, and we get by on that okay.
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
Not all women expect you to read their minds, and in the case of AS, gents . . . how do you expect them to read yours? How do you expect her to know off-the-bat that you're not going to read her body language/hints/flirtations? You don't have to come right out and say that you're an aspie, but be honest if you want it to work out. Tell her that you're no good at hints, and that she'll need to be blunt with you. If she cares and wants it to work, that should inspire her to be more direct about her needs and desires. If I want something from my guy, or if something is bothering me, I flat out tell him, and we get by on that okay.
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
What you say makes a lot of sense. This will definitely help me ease my stress if I find myself in a long-term relationship
20 Jul 2012, 10:51 pm
Klinx wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
I have found myself able to read some basic body language at points that tells me when a girl is interested in someone else. There have been times where I knew a girl has been interested in me. Certain situations I would push away because I knew I did not have a good match (ie. I work with them, they dated a friend, etc.). This has happened only with a select few. Sometimes I wonder if I should have told the girl "I can definitely read your body language and you can deny this all you want, but you like that guy." These were girls that may have liked me and didn't want to admit to that either, but did not want to "hurt me" and chose to lie instead.
I can tell you one thing about communication and body language and it goes to eye contact. A person's eyes, specifically their pupils, will always tell the story. Their body language just supports the story. Remember that with some people. If a person's pupils dilate and grow when a certain person is brought up, it may just indicate that she does like that person. Now watch her body language when she is around that person and you will learn some basic hints. There may be some verbal hints too, and they are actually quite obvious compared to the subtle body language. Sometimes keywords are used. That is what I find from my experience. I can only tell when someone is interested and I have that experience to lean back on. It is what to do afterwards where things sometimes fall apart.
I can tell you one thing about communication and body language and it goes to eye contact. A person's eyes, specifically their pupils, will always tell the story. Their body language just supports the story. Remember that with some people. If a person's pupils dilate and grow when a certain person is brought up, it may just indicate that she does like that person. Now watch her body language when she is around that person and you will learn some basic hints. There may be some verbal hints too, and they are actually quite obvious compared to the subtle body language. Sometimes keywords are used. That is what I find from my experience. I can only tell when someone is interested and I have that experience to lean back on. It is what to do afterwards where things sometimes fall apart.
To your first paragraph, I had a couple girls outside of the ones I dated that I knew were interested in me too. One in particular was an over-the-top, straight-out-of-an-anime girl with a tendency to hit me like lots of anime girls do (which was always scaring me). But I was extremely polite and gentle in my rejection when she actually confessed to me because I know exactly what it feels like: pure crap, especially since I was her first interest.
Your second paragraph surprises me. I didn't realize the eyes were such a good indicator of someone interested in you. I still have a hard time making extended eye contact with people (mostly because I feel like they stare straight into my soul), but I'll remember to look for that. Your other body and subtle verbal cues are things I'm gonna have to try too; sounds like I just didn't pay nearly enough attention to girls I spoke to
You should also keep in mind the lighting in a room or area when noticing someone's pupils. Pupils have a tendency to dilate in darker rooms as well.
20 Jul 2012, 11:29 pm
Klinx wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Because I'm one of the people on here who's in an aspie-aspie relationship, I'll give my opinion. It can go both ways with communication issues and understanding each other. I haven't been in an NT relationship, so I wouldn't know about that. I notice that we both end up confused a lot of the time, and it takes patience and a willingness to listen to the other person. You can't rush these things. Most of the time, I can't figure out facial expressions, and those facial expressions that I already misinterpreted weren't accurate in portraying his emotions anyway--this also includes tone of voice. Same goes for me and my expressions/tone of voice; he ends up just as confused. We have to stop and just ask each other rather than just assume anything. Chances are, our assumptions are pretty inaccurate.
You are dealing with fears that I've also/still do deal with. I seriously doubt that you'll be a burden if the person genuinely loves you and cares about you. I know I've felt like a burden with the way I incorrectly express emotions and can be very unaffectionate sometimes, but he is understanding and gives me space when I need it. Vice-versa. You seem like a kind person; I'm sure you will find someone that will treat you right.
I hope this helps a little.
You are dealing with fears that I've also/still do deal with. I seriously doubt that you'll be a burden if the person genuinely loves you and cares about you. I know I've felt like a burden with the way I incorrectly express emotions and can be very unaffectionate sometimes, but he is understanding and gives me space when I need it. Vice-versa. You seem like a kind person; I'm sure you will find someone that will treat you right.
I hope this helps a little.
More than helps a little! You and all the others who've been posting here have made analyzing my own problems much easier, and it truly makes me feel like I'm not alone in my thought process. Really, I cannot thank you enough
I'm glad. Feels like people aren't listening or caring a lot lately, so this is very good to see someone absorbing advice.
21 Jul 2012, 2:11 am
Peahen wrote:
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
You know what bugs me? I did all those things (heck, I called her either "gorgeous" or "hot stuff" more than her actual name!) including the flowers, yet she still wanted more and had to run around with other men to get it. Is it so dang hard to SAY what you want??
21 Jul 2012, 2:34 am
BlueMax wrote:
Peahen wrote:
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
You know what bugs me? I did all those things (heck, I called her either "gorgeous" or "hot stuff" more than her actual name!) including the flowers, yet she still wanted more and had to run around with other men to get it. Is it so dang hard to SAY what you want??
She was taking advantage of you and didn't respect you at all. Sure doesn't seem like she loved you if she could go around and cheat.
21 Jul 2012, 11:22 am
BlueMax wrote:
Peahen wrote:
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
You know what bugs me? I did all those things (heck, I called her either "gorgeous" or "hot stuff" more than her actual name!) including the flowers, yet she still wanted more and had to run around with other men to get it. Is it so dang hard to SAY what you want??
That's really awful and she didn't deserve you. My guy has never told me I'm beautiful (and even though I know he thinks it, it would be so nice to hear it). It sounds like you really put yourself out there to make someone feel special. Please don't let that hussie make you think twice about doing so in the future. For the right girl, it will mean everything! !!
21 Jul 2012, 11:35 am
BlueMax wrote:
Peahen wrote:
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
You know what bugs me? I did all those things (heck, I called her either "gorgeous" or "hot stuff" more than her actual name!) including the flowers, yet she still wanted more and had to run around with other men to get it. Is it so dang hard to SAY what you want??
A lot of people probably can't say what they want, probably due to most people using subtle social cues as well as beating around the bush in conversation. Perhaps us having to receive as well as dish information so bluntly is a plus; people will always know you're honest
As for your situation, that really sucks that that happened to you; especially after all the work you put in to keep it going. I also know what it's like to be cheated on. A girl did that to me in high school during my Junior year.
21 Jul 2012, 11:47 am
Klinx wrote:
BlueMax wrote:
Peahen wrote:
There are things you can do, too, to avoid the "hinting". Don't wait for it to happen. Don't wait for the confusion. Outrun expectations. If you have a girl, try making it a routine thing to get her flowers, or to tell her she looks nice. Trust me, when they're not asked for, those small, seemingly needless things can go a long, LONG way to an NT in love with an aspie.
You know what bugs me? I did all those things (heck, I called her either "gorgeous" or "hot stuff" more than her actual name!) including the flowers, yet she still wanted more and had to run around with other men to get it. Is it so dang hard to SAY what you want??
A lot of people probably can't say what they want, probably due to most people using subtle social cues as well as beating around the bush in conversation. Perhaps us having to receive as well as dish information so bluntly is a plus; people will always know you're honest
As for your situation, that really sucks that that happened to you; especially after all the work you put in to keep it going. I also know what it's like to be cheated on. A girl did that to me in high school during my Junior year.
I think a HUGE part of the reason that people---women especially---don't just come out and ASK for what they want is this: they want what you give to "feel" genuine. For example, a woman is delighted if you give her flowers because it shows that you like her so much that you felt like doing that extra thing to express it. If she has to ask first, then the sense of generosity and spontaneity is ruined. Kudos to any guy---NT or aspie---who can navigate that and find ways to make his lady feel special before she starts to feel invisible. I know my guy can't. But there are other ways he shows that he's thinking about me, and it's okay.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Trump defunds Trans women from women’s sports |
05 Feb 2025, 5:14 pm |
| UK Supreme Court - Trans women are not women legally |
16 Apr 2025, 9:56 am |
| How does she read minds? |
14 Mar 2025, 11:34 am |
| You can read one of my short stories on Medium |
23 Apr 2025, 11:43 am |
