OkCupid: Success isn't in the place, it's in the person

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You look like a male underwear model and you are confident (both are probably related). Obviously, women are interested in you.

I look fairly attractive (probably could do better, since I do not really try to maintain my looks; my clothes are mostly old and worn out and I only shave once a week) and am fairly fit (I really need to get some workout, but my house lacks room; as a mesomorph, it would be easy for me to get a build like yours, but I hate weight lifting and I prefer more athletic, swimmer/runner-like body types), but I have almost zero confidence when it comes to social skills.

WARNING - Long supervillain origin story follows:

My lack of confidence probably comes from the fact that I have always been seen as an excentrical person, even though I have never been able to understand what it is that makes me so weird. Since the other kids kept their distance from me, I eventually began to do the same. Nowadays, I am the one who always distance himself from other people. To this day, I had two close friends in life: one of them suddenly stopped talking to me for unknown reasons (probably my fault, but I am not sure why) and I stopped talking to second one (because I do not feel comfortable contacting other people. Yeah, I really need to work on that...). I recently graduated as an accounting technician and, while I had surprisingly good relations with most of my classmates, they were mostly fascinated by my strange behavior. Nowadays, we sometimes keep in touch on Facebook, but as usual, I keep my distance.

If you had the same problem and managed to get over it, congratulations. You are a much better person than I am. Which does not change the fact that I am currently hopeless and I have no idea of how to improve my situation. I should be happy because I have a job and I am very confident about my chances of being successful (from a financial/material point of view), but I am not. I have never been this bothered by my inability to interact with people.

There are a roughly 4 or 5 guys to every 1 female on those dating sites. By the number the odds are stacked against the average/unattractive looking guy who does not stand out from the crowd.
An attractive looking guy stands out and will get a lot more attention on dating sites. People on dating sites are judged solely on their profiles pictures and the content of their profile does not really matter. On dating sites average/below average looking females get a huge ego boost from the large amount of responses they get from guys online.

I would have to agree as I am on Okcupid....and I base my opinion on the content of their profile, all the picture does is show how they look...but looks don't make the person. Then of course I have had people message me and respond to things on my profile.

I don't really know if I'd be considered good looking, average or below average but generally getting messeges does not really give me an 'ego' boost it makes me think 'oh look a message, if its interesting maybe I will respond.'

I'm in mostly the same boat. My problem isn't so much shyness as, yeah, strange behavior. I can be outgoing as all hell, and still be completely totally strange. So just adding more confidence just makes people just say I'm insane, but no confidence makes me "freaky" so you're damned with confidence and damned without.

I feel like the only answer for us is...become Frank Yang.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlCL3MUN3y8[/youtube]
Go to about 2:30 or so. Yeah...

Yes, shyness is not really a problem for me either. I am introverted, but I can talk to people when I need to, as long as I do not get too close and let my insanity take over. But I did not understand your comment about Frank Yang. He is insane, yes, but he is also a troll. It was pointless to bother the monk like he did.

exactly. my inbox is full of wastes of trash

I get girls who message first all the time, on the rare occasion they are not ugly, I will-reply, an we will talk back and forth for a while and then out of the blue they will delete their account. I know they haven't blocked me bc when you block someone they still see your profile. here is an example convo I had with a girl...

hey Amanda I'm Dave what's up?


Jun 16, 2012 – 7:23pm
Hey Dave Not much, I just got back from visiting a couple friends from college. What's up with you?

Oh, I just had to say, I would LOVE to meet Winston. He looks like he'd be a lot of fun!

Jun 17, 2012 – 6:07pm
Thanks he is a cool dog big an fluffy. How many cats do you have? Im working on a paper now for my juv justice class.

Jun 18, 2012 – 6:19pm
I just have one cat, but I've had her since I was 2. She's a sweetheart. How's your paper going?

Jun 19, 2012 – 10:35pm
wow she must be old!
the paper was turned in yesterday it turned out well. Im having my final for that class tomorrow.

so what brought you to okcupid as oppose t traditional dating ?

Jun 21, 2012 – 3:04pm
I dunno, just thought I'd try something different. I'm actually leaving the site for a while because it's getting to be little too distracting... you seem like a really nice guy, though, so I guess I'll just say good luck! Maybe we'll talk again in the future...
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I barely go on okcupid anymore but was just looking at my inbox and 70 percent of the worthless trash on there has deleted their accounts.

Well, I see someone like Frank Yang as like, imagine... Chris Chan. Now imagine Chris Chan worked out, and was still Chris Chan. That's how I see him. Maybe this is a better video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeBciqe89tE I feel like my mannerisms and stuff are about on par with that. Without the trolliness.

Or maybe I unintentionally do troll. IE, I decided to mow my lawn at 1AM last night. I have a reelmower, so it doesn't make any noise, so I didn't see the problem with it, but my mom thought it was weird. Another example is, I went to an estate sale, with no money. I saw a bike I wanted, and just straight out asked if I could have the bike for free, and they gave it to me. I guess that's socially awkward, but... I wanted the bike. I also came back and asked if I could have a record player for free, too, and got a free record player just by asking. Done this at convenience stores with sandwiches they were gonna throw out, etc. So in a way, I'm like super duper confident sometimes. In other strange things I do, I'd go to the Asian market, buy canned vegetarian mock duck (for some reason it tastes pretty good sometimes) and then I'd use my army P51 can opener on my keychain to open the can, drain the water out on the parking lot, and then I'd go back into the Asian market, use their hotsauce, and ask them for a fork to eat it outside. So I know it's awkward sometimes, but then "I want to eat vegetarian mock duck slices right now for cheap" outweighs the awkwardness.

Part of my problem too is, I can make a good first impression, like if someone sees me walking around Walmart or something. But then when they talk to me, yeah. Like part of it, too, is I wear mostly "preppy" clothes now, used preppy clothes, but still good brands. So I look like, well, a prep. But then it doesn't match me. I started wearing the preppy clothes to basically get people to NOT notice me, and it worked.

Oh, I get it. I think I am kind of like that, too. Sometimes I am as hyperactive as he is and I like to run and jump over things instead of walking like a normal person. But I hope I look a little less annoying than he does.



I am also like that. Aparently, it only works with people who are outside of my age group. People around my age never seem to feel comfortable around me.


@wtfid2: Your post reminds me of another problem: I do not know how to make small talk. For example, on Wolfheart's conversation, if it were me, I would have just replied with a simple "thanks" when the girl said he was better looking than Keanu. As for wtfid2's conversation I would probably reply with a simple "I am fine, thanks. And my dog is blah, blah, blah."

In fact, I was messaged by 3-4 girls when I had my profile, but the only one who seemed interesting enough (i.e. attractive; hey, at least I am honest about it) asked me how I were doing and I said "I am fine. And you?". Needless to say, she never replied back.

There were two other girls I messaged who messaged me back; the first one deleted her profile after I replied to her (by asking about which were her favorite Flash games). The second one talked to me for a few days, but I were not capable of changing the subject (our mutual liking for Queen), she stopped replying for a week and I deleted my profile (mainly because the conversation was getting too tiresome; I would spend half an hour to think of a single reply).

Confidence only works if you're attractive. If you're like me, confidence is seen as narcissism. It doesn't make any sense, but that's how it goes.

I see someone like Frank Yang, as someone who just...ran with it all. Realized he was weird and just decided to not care anymore, and then went into the opposite direction, of just intentionally trolling with the weirdness.

I think a lot of my problem with girls is simply cluelessness. I've told this story a lot on here, but here it goes.
Girl:
Hey, do you know anything fun to do around here?
Me: (Surprised at girl even talking to me for seemingly no reason)
Nope, I don't do anything fun.

The girl ends up giving me her number. Nothing happened from it, as, well, I blew it with the convo and also didn't have a Facebook (red flag you're weird, I think), that and she was from out of state and interested in just a one night fling, but yeah. But that's how oblivious I am to girls hitting on me.

Other times I've blown small talk, girl asks what I do for work and school "Oh, I'm unemployed and I'm not in school either." Yep.

I can't help but feel I'm only a few notches above Chris-chan in social skills. I feel like lots of people on here with anxiety are sorta like... higher functioning, in the sense they get anxiety over social situations, whereas me, I'll not be anxious and pretty much be an idiot. Like I got a friend that likely has ASD, he was telling me, for example, he felt awkward going to a cash register with one item while we were shopping. He thinks I got good social skills because I like, go outside, and he stays inside all day, but I think it's more the opposite, that he's got better social skills than me and more anxiety.

That said, Wolfheart, I do get noticed by girls. That's not a problem. The problem is...then what?

Wolfheart is an inspiration to us all.

I hate when girls ask me what i plan on oing later or what my hobbies are lol

btw are you saying my convo went well or that I did not make small talk properly either?

yeah you're that annoying guy that won't take the hint if you're ugly..tht would work with girls as well. If a girl were vry confident i' be like get away already lol

Confidence is a function of recognizing your own value. Heck, half the problems in here are due to value perceptions by the participants.

I was saying your conversation was going well. It is very difficult for me to keep a conversation going like that. I am not creative enough to change subjects (e.g. talking about pets, then talking about college and then talking about reasons to be on OkCupid). I would probably keep talking about the dog until she changed the subject or mentioned something of my interest.