What do I do after I had sex with my friend?

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IlovemyAspie
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12 Jan 2013, 7:29 pm

diniesaur wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

Yes I am NT. Acting like it never happened requires you to not discuss it. It isn't rude. Talking about it may make things awkward. Unless you plan on doing it again. Talking about how good it was and all that just leads up to "let's do it again" . Trust me I KNOW!
And don't fool yourself into thinking that he was being nice to you by having sex with you. Friend or not he was seizing the opportunity to "get some".
NT's pretend like things never happened because sometimes that's the only way to get through something. Talking about it isn't always the way to go. True sometimes we don't know what to do so we choose to pretend it never happened which means maybe it will go away and we won't have to deal with it.

Trying to "get some"? That helps me feel better actually, since that's pretty much what I was doing, although I was doing it in a different way (I had just randomly gotten SUPER horny and I have bad self control and I told him so). I wouldn't expect people to try to "get some" from me though, since I think I make them feel gay (or straight, depending on who it is) because of my gender issues and a lot of people don't like feeling gay. Besides, nobody else has ever decided to have sex with me on the many occasions when I randomly get super horny. They usually want to be away from me when I get like that.

But if it does lead to "let's do it again" I could just refuse. That's not so hard. I will keep in mind that you might be sour from having just gotten out of "friends with benefits" but I don't really see how friends with benefits is a relationship beyond just friends in the first place any more than "friends who hang out and play D&D together" is a relationship beyond friends. I realize that the two of us probably think differently from each other, but since my friend is Neurotypical he probably thinks kind of like you. I guess he probably wants me to pretend like it never happened, too?

Let me reiterate: Friends do not sleep with friends.
Yes trying to "get some" that's what it was apparently for both of you.
Talking about it will signal you want to do this again. So why talk about it?

diniesaur
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12 Jan 2013, 7:38 pm

Wait, are you trying to tell me that he's secretly not actually my friend?

That is an upsetting accusation, and I would have to consult him and my other friends about something like that before I came to that conclusion. Although I very much enjoy sex, I did have the opportunity to have sex with someone I don't know very well but I ultimately couldn't do it because I didn't trust him enough. I trust my friends, though, so I was able to have sex with them. If he weren't my friend, I wouldn't have been cuddling with him in the first place. I wouldn't have even tried so hard to get back in contact with him. Are you saying that he really isn't my friend?

Wait, this is a generalization. I know that Neurotypicals often have a tendency to generalize, and it confuses me since I'm very bad at understanding generalizations (I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying or anything). Maybe I am not interpreting it correctly--will you please word it differently? (You don't have to since you didn't even have to help me in the first place, but it would make it easier for me to understand what you are trying to tell me.)

IlovemyAspie
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12 Jan 2013, 8:20 pm

diniesaur wrote:

Wait, are you trying to tell me that he's secretly not actually my friend?

That is an upsetting accusation, and I would have to consult him and my other friends about something like that before I came to that conclusion. Although I very much enjoy sex, I did have the opportunity to have sex with someone I don't know very well but I ultimately couldn't do it because I didn't trust him enough. I trust my friends, though, so I was able to have sex with them. If he weren't my friend, I wouldn't have been cuddling with him in the first place. I wouldn't have even tried so hard to get back in contact with him. Are you saying that he really isn't my friend?
Wait, this is a generalization. I know that Neurotypicals often have a tendency to generalize, and it confuses me since I'm very bad at understanding generalizations (I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying or anything). Maybe I am not interpreting it correctly--will you please word it differently? (You don't have to since you didn't even have to help me in the first place, but it would make it easier for me to understand what you are trying to tell me.)

No, no, no!! I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that having sex with your friend is not a "typical" friendship behavior. The fact that you are struggling with this tells me this may be a lot for you to handle. Just see how this plays out. I don't recommend doing this again until you can sort this out. Only time will tell. You'll have to wait until you interact with him to see how this will go.

diniesaur
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12 Jan 2013, 8:28 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

diniesaur wrote:

Wait, are you trying to tell me that he's secretly not actually my friend?

That is an upsetting accusation, and I would have to consult him and my other friends about something like that before I came to that conclusion. Although I very much enjoy sex, I did have the opportunity to have sex with someone I don't know very well but I ultimately couldn't do it because I didn't trust him enough. I trust my friends, though, so I was able to have sex with them. If he weren't my friend, I wouldn't have been cuddling with him in the first place. I wouldn't have even tried so hard to get back in contact with him. Are you saying that he really isn't my friend?
Wait, this is a generalization. I know that Neurotypicals often have a tendency to generalize, and it confuses me since I'm very bad at understanding generalizations (I don't mean to invalidate what you're saying or anything). Maybe I am not interpreting it correctly--will you please word it differently? (You don't have to since you didn't even have to help me in the first place, but it would make it easier for me to understand what you are trying to tell me.)

Oh, good! I'd be upset if he wasn't actually my friend. I've been manipulated before. But, yeah, I'm not going to try to do it again or anything, at least until I understand the situation. But if I talk to him about it it will make him think I want to do it again? That's odd, but okay. I guess I can talk to him about unrelated things and not bring it up. I'm still not clear on how I would figure out if it is "weird" but maybe other people can help me understand.

This is really counterintuitive for me...usually in any social situation I will just say whatever I'm thinking as I go along (probably not the best idea, but still...) and ask the people I'm interacting with what they mean and want and if I am "doing it right." I know it's not how Neurotypicals do it, but I usually can't pull off that kind of fanciness. It usually makes people feel weird, though, and in this situation I don't want to make him feel...more...weird...than usual. I must process.

IlovemyAspie
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12 Jan 2013, 8:42 pm

You will know it's weird when he acts differently than he used to. Plain and simple. I understand where you are coming from, my very good friend is an Aspie. He has taught me a lot. For us, communication is important. But occasionally he has flipped out on me and acting like it never happened was the best thing for me to do.

IlovemyAspie
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12 Jan 2013, 8:44 pm

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

diniesaur
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12 Jan 2013, 8:49 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

Yeah, that's kind of my instinct--although I ordinarily wouldn't know any better than to go into all kinds of details or whatever. I think I will do that, but not talk about it being good.

But what if he says he wasn't very good like he did before? Then, I'd feel the need to correct him. Is it okay to say "yes you were" or would even that make it seem like I was trying to do it again?

IlovemyAspie
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12 Jan 2013, 10:48 pm

diniesaur wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

Hmmmm....that's tough. I can totally understand you wanting to correct him. You could say say you enjoyed it and quickly try to move to another topic a.s.a.p. try to stay in control of the conversation. If you start reminiscing you run the risk of him saying "wanna do it again"?

diniesaur
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12 Jan 2013, 10:59 pm

If I do accidentally make him ask to do it again, can't I just say no, or not now? Or would that be offensive?

IlovemyAspie
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13 Jan 2013, 12:57 am

diniesaur wrote:

If I do accidentally make him ask to do it again, can't I just say no, or not now? Or would that be offensive?

Won't be offensive. Just make sure you say its because you value your friendship.

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17 Jan 2013, 2:50 pm

im still stickn to the see if he likes u aspect f it. also u r corect about the autism sex thing, i startd get horny at age 6, but i think u should talk it out with him to figure out where to go from there.

AspieOtaku
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19 Jan 2013, 1:25 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:

diniesaur wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

What happens if you both end up asking in unison wanna do it again?

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Tarzan
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19 Jan 2013, 4:26 am

You should never feel guilty about your sexual urges. They are innate and natural, feeling guilty about your sexuality is like feeling guilty about your race or gender, nobody should have to feel that.

AspieOtaku
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19 Jan 2013, 4:49 am

Tarzan wrote:

For the record I sometimes feel guilty for being born white due to bearing the skin of a people whos tyrannical to other ethnic groups even to their own although none of my ancestors partook in enslaving etc I still feel guilt. But thats a different story heh.

IlovemyAspie
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22 Jan 2013, 3:06 pm

AspieOtaku wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

diniesaur wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

What happens if you both end up asking in unison wanna do it again?

I can only assume that if you are both asking then you both want to and it's gonna happen! The bigger issue here is whether or not the two people know what's going on. Meaning, if this is a friends with benefits arrangement or is this going to turn into a relationship. I was in a friends with benefits situation (as mentioned earlier). I knew I didn't want this type of arrangement but I was foolish enough to think that this would turn into something else. Even though he said "I don't want a relationship" several times. Anyway, bottom line is I think the OP may have issues with handeling this type of situation. Some people are able to have sex and not need anything more. But it's tricky and you can end up hurt if the two of you have different expecatations.

diniesaur
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25 Jan 2013, 11:06 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:

AspieOtaku wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

diniesaur wrote:

IlovemyAspie wrote:

However, if you feel the need to say something, just say "hey I hope our having sex doesn't change anything or make things awkward". But don't go into how good it was....

What happens if you both end up asking in unison wanna do it again?

I don't expect a relationship at all. I'm happy to be friends! Dating is way too scary for me at this point...

Oh, and I asked him if things are "weird" now because of us having sex and he said no. I asked if we are still friends and he said we are. I'm happy about that! Ordinarily I would want to try to see him again as soon as possible but since we had sex I worry that he might get the wrong idea.

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