Picky and alone.

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I'm picky too and I have gotten a lot of s**t from other people for being like this already.

Picky and alone is better than not picky and miserable and trapped. Believe me. At least you still have opportunities.

Wisest post in this thread, listen to her, yellowtamarin.

The fact that you're affording to be picky currently only means that you're still getting loads of opportunities.

However, the latter won't last forever.

Another question, yellowtamarin.

If you're not sure what you really want, think of the best date/partner/bf you ever met in your life; how was he/she like? Your answer to what you want can be there.

I'm not picky per se, I just seem to end up in the situation a lot where the people I like don't like me, and the ones who do like me, I don't like.

Maybe I like the wrong people.

I don't wait for things to move the right way as well - if I don't like someone in a romantic way immediately I generally move on, also immediately.

Maybe if I had more patience.

No shortage of interest, just a large shortage of what I want in the people I want 'it' to be in.

So who the fu%^ knows. Guess I am picky.

Being picky is the closest emulation of instinct that I have. Being selfish on the other hand... well that I need to work on. Too much compromise feels like one is getting trapped as Mindsigh posted.

Thanks, everyone, for your comments and insight so far.

I think I see "spark" differently. To me it's something separate from lust, that feeling that is there for a while but fades over time. It's an energy that is really only there at the very very beginning. A feeling of "this feels right, I want more of this". When I have a spark with someone, on the second date the spark tends to be gone, replaced with a different (albeit similar) feeling. So without the spark, I'm not likely to feel excited about seeing the person again, which means I might just not bother.



I can definitely give this a go. What I usually find though is that the second date, when I go on it reluctantly, is almost guaranteed to be even less exciting than the first. Would you have any suggestions on how to feel motivated to go on that second date? I.e. how to go into it with a more positive attitude?



Yeah, I find if I get to know someone too well first, then being romantic with them feels awkward, because I just don't see them in that way. Sort of like the "feels like I'm kissing my brother" scenario. But, as I mentioned in a previous post, there was one time I let the feelings grow. What existed there for me in the beginning was a feeling of "I'm not sure if I'm romantically interested but I really want to find out". I've never had that before or since. Usually it's "I don't think I'm romantically interested, perhaps I should try to find out because giving someone more of a chance is the right thing to do".



Of course it's better. Like I said in the original post, I have that advantage. What would you suggest I do about it?



I am sure of what I want. The problem is I hardly ever find it. Perhaps I should be less sure of what I want (somehow) which would make me less picky.

I've been told that I've been too picky and expect perfection. I don't completely agree with that statement but I will say I am the type of person who would rather be alone than to settle and be with someone just for the sake of having someone. I know a lot of people who are like that where they are with someone just because there's no one else available at the time and they don't want to be alone. It might even be with people they don't like but because the available person is "easy", they will take advantage. To me if the person is not right, I would cancel my contact with them right away and I wouldn't be with them just because there's no one else. I don't want to use people like that and I certainly wouldn't want to be used like that either. So while I continue to be alone, I can at least sleep at night and know I didn't make a huge mistake by getting with a person I don't like or have absolutely nothing in common with just for the sake of it.

When people are in long term relationships, they are investing YEARS of their life there. All of us need to be picky! We need fulfilling relationships, not frustrating ones. I don't want a man that is with me only because he doesn't want to be alone.

if girls read my okcupid profile, i will bet they will be thinking that if she wants to be with me, her life may be going down the drain....

the fact... they just don't tell me why they are not interested in me

Last edited by mfs1013 on 16 Jan 2013, 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've been having very similar problems! I have little trouble meeting people and scoring dates, but those dates though enjoyable are often underwhelming on the romantic front, and things rarely develop beyond the second or third date (and like your experiences, the second date, when it happens, is often exceedingly dull). I seem to almost exclusively attract people I am decidedly not interested in, and the few that catch my eye become bored with me quickly.

My only theory is that I'm more relaxed around the people I don't want to be intimate with and thus things feel more natural to the other party, whereas when I am interested, I get too excited and chatty, or something, and this puts them off. Although this doesn't explain why I have such difficulty developing an interest in people in the first place, when my main interests (art, music and travel) are hardly obscure for this city and I hardly have crazy physical standards. There's just, as you say, no spark!

Ironically, even though I've never had a date in my life, I've gotten told that I should be MORE picky.

I think it is important because first dates are always awkward no matter how many we have and the second date is probably a better indicator because both of you are more relaxed. The goal of the second date should be to really give the guy another chance to show his true colours, which may just end up appealing to you. As such, you may need to think outside the square in how to provoke more response from him. To be motivated, you could approach it as a game, trying to think of different, odd questions to ask. You may even like to have a different and creative second date which can lead to unexpected scenarios - I know there are lots of different date ideas on the internet. One example I remember is just buying some flowers and walking with your date around the streets and finding people who would really appreciate being given a flower and having a chat.

But we are not immortal.

Pickiness must has limits too.

Why?
(Yes, I know, because it makes it harder in the end to get a partner. But why is getting a partner the be all and end all in life?)

From what little I have read it seems the OP is looking more for a fix to that (supposed) initial boost of adrenaline before a first date and less about the actual date. Perhaps looking at her criteria of her dates (unless she says yes to every proposal - and if she does, I'll thank her for being one of the decent ones) would show what she may be after.