Am I a Carrot?

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in my experience... that just leads to them going out with some other guy... and I've had that happen a few times too. Go out on a date or two, she wants to have sex.. I don't because I don't know her well enough/we've not even discussed stds/she's made it clear she just wants it to be casual... and i refuse and then she doesn't return my calls anymore.

I'm not fond of people who manipulate others and call it "fun".

I used to say the same thing but the truth of the matter is that is the true secret to social interaction.

I'm very generous in my interpersonal relationships (both romantic and nonromantic) and I'm always laid back and understanding about things (I rarely get mad or bitter) and I never outright lie. However, I don't claim to be a saint. I have morals but I'm pragmatic enough to bend them in order to find personal satisfaction and succeed. The truth is sustaining social relationships often requires it. I think that's one reason why most other aspies fall behind in this regard.

Maybe that does make me a bit of a jerk but I'd rather that then be walked all over like I used to.




I don't believe I'm entitled to anything from anyone nor are people entitled to anything from me (that includes sex.) If a woman starts to wander from you because sometimes you'd rather cuddle and makeout a bit than have full blown sex then that's just as big of an incompatibility issue as not wanting to go dutch on dates........

That being said, the example you gave was not valid, imo. The girl apperently made it clear she was looking for something casual and you weren't. Clearly you two were incompatible so it's perfectly understandable that she wouldn't return your calls. You aren't entitled to a serious dating relationship anymore than she's entitled to a casual sex partner.

I suppose, but doesn't make it any less annoying. I hate commitment phobic people.

It almost sounds as if you're being casual-phobic.........Are you sure part of the problem isn't your narrow view of courtship? You only had two dates but you wanted a commitment from her? That's ridiculous........... Yes traditional (i.e. Outdated) dating rules say dating, commitment, sex, marriage, babies in that order but we live in the 21st century where woman are allowed to be sexually liberated and things don't always have to be in that order.

Sexual chemistry is one of the quickest way to find out if you are compatible with someone. It's very possible when she said "let's keep it casual" she meant that she wanted to experience you (and your body) see where things went from there. Once the oxytocin in your brains start flooding in you'd be surprised how fast casual sex turns into a relationship. Sex before commitment. Like it or not, that's the new dating paradigm kiddo.

There is a difference between not liking something and being afraid of it.

I didn't expect her to marry me after two dates, I simply expected her to respect my wishes and not treat me badly as a result. I mean, lets just say, If I was a girl and I was on here and I was saying "Yeah. This guy took me out for two dates, and then he got mad at me when I wouldn't have sex with him and quit talking to me!" You'd all be trashing the guy.

If I had known that what she wanted was Casual Sex, I'd never have asked her out in the first place. That's why I prefer Online Dating, even though I'm never really any more successful there. At least I know generally what the other person is looking for before I click "Message".

This is a good post. I don't know any man who would admit to behaving that way, and they wouldn't have an easy time of it if they did.

This thread may actually help me understand the "nice guy" thing better, because I've never had a real context for it before. But if a guy is thinking that buying you a nice dinner and maybe a nice gift and such somehow obligates you to do something (anything) for them, and that's why they do it, they would simultaneously think themselves nice for "following the proper procedure" and be an absolute as*hole.

It helps to go halfsies on dates, and to return kindness and gifts with similar thoughtfulness to express your appreciation. But sex? That's just prostituting yourself. Or worse, someone expecting you to do so.

ETA: And I agree, rabbitsss, for the same reasons you said. It's just a compatibility thing, and just because some people are thoughtlessly promiscuous doesn't mean that everybody should be, or that it is the right way to be. Look for a better match, and don't waste time being upset when you discover someone is a bad one. That's just part of what makes the good ones so special.

The different between business companies and relationships, are that the first mentioned only do something for you to get something in return, while in the last one you do something for someone else, simple because you want to gift him/her and dont expect something in return. So there are relationships, that are about giving and getting something in return, and that are those between professional prostitutes and customers. If one of your dates ever was not able to tell the difference between a date and a business meeting with a professional prostitute, its not your fault.

I don't really see anyone treating anyone badly in this scenerio. The fact that neither of you were willing to compromise on this issue just means you were fundementally not a good match. If the genders were reversed I'd feel the same. As long as no ones leading anyone on (i.e. lying about wanting commitment to get into someone else's pants) I don't see what the big deal is. No reason for either party to get mad or bitter about it.

She should have been up front from the beginning that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, then I wouldn't have bothered taking her out in the first place.

I'm not saying I wanted a guaranteed thing, just to cut that off before it gets spouted, but 2 dates, 2 weeks, and a lot of chatting back and forth seemed like an awful long time to take to tell me she just wanted some D. If you don't want a relationship.. don't go on a date. If you just want to get f****d, go to a bar or something and hook up.

Well then social interaction can f**k itself.

In a transaction sense, if you're having sex with a guy after one dinner, one movie ticket and one dessert you're selling yourself extremely cheaply.

You could just stand on the street corner make a better profit that that with one John.

As a man sometimes I feel as useful as a disposable razor. To be used then cast aside in the wastebasket!

I know what you mean... it seems like the easiest way to fit in with a whole society of bullies (!) is to become a bully as well. I refuse to become the same kind of monster that makes my life so difficult.

Then dont get yourself being used. Offer something only if you want to offer it freely. And if you dont want to offer something out of your own, without expecting something in return, then dont do so. If you offer somthing, in expectation of something in return, then say so. Because noone can mindread, so noone knows that you expect something. If you dont tell, then noone knows.

When I go on the street and some guy with a company shield is offering me a new drink, I would think its a free advertisement. If he is offering me a new drink and is telling me that because of advertisement I only have to pay the half, its also ok for me. So I can choose freely, if I want to agree in that offer. But offering me a drink, and after I drink it, telling me that I am expected to pay for it, is not. Sorry for that guy, but its not my fault, that he forgot to tell me before. So if you want to do business , you usually agree before signing the contract. Not afterwards after delivery.

I don't bully anyone. People use what they have to get by. If one person is wielding all the power and influence in any social relationship then it would be bullying but that isn't the case with anyone in my life. I'm not dominant over anyone however I'm not a pushover either. It's called equality. If you aren't willing or capable of pushing for that I do understand but not every assertive person is some kind of ammoral monster. You're just taking your bitterness and disguising it as morality.

That's quite offensive. A woman might as well be a cheap prostitute if she puts out on a second date? What century are you living in?