What NT's want

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Unfortunately, I think that where sexual relationships are concerned, there needs to be some kind of tension going on in terms of the power-play for dominance. If people have a totally respectful, equal and caring relationship I don't think the sex is very good.
That's just from my own experience. If you get too close to another person you get too familiar and hence there isn't the difference/tension there to create a spark.

So these domineering, power-struggle type relationships can be good for sex but no good at all for your mental health/peace of mind.

As to what NTs want I'd say to be the same as all their friends; the want to fit in and be respected by their peers. Therefore their partner needs to be accepted by their friends as well as them.

Some people leave the bedroom play in the bedroom and the relationship at the door for when they are outside the bedroom so they can be two separate things and practised at a healthy level.

However I suppose if you were not able to separate the two, it would better to come to a compromise. Date someone who is asexual but someone you get along well with so you will like them for their company or date someone that has a high sex drive without much attachment towards having a personal relationship with you.

I don't think the two can be separated - sex is just a reflection of what is happening in the peoples' lives; it's not a separate issue.

Also you can't separate out the different aspects of what you want from a person; you have to compromise.

I'm not able to pick and choose people to suit my needs like from a supermarket either.

I think NTs want someone who adds value. This value can take many forms and no one person will want only one thing. Some women want a man who can provide companionship and a shoulder to cry on, if she's that sort of person who prefers to talk about her issues with others. Some men want a woman who can provide a sense of being wanted, of being counted on for something.

When it comes to sex, I don't really see the reason why it's neccessary to have the element of power or dominance in a sexual relationship. Of course, lots of men probably dream of being so good in the sack that women hang off of them, and I know for a fact that there are women who use their good looks in order to gain things. But I doubt that most average people are actually able to pull off a dominance trick on their sexual partners.

It's not the actual dominance, it's the struggle for dominance - the power struggle itself that is usually there.

Can I pet the cat?

Ugh... I never could do the "angry sex" thing, nor can I see why so many people have "makeup sex"... if they haven't resolved the problem, sex won't fix it!

Seeing an angry, snarling face just doesn't do it for me in bed... but I suppose I'm a lover, not a fighter.

I haven't explained myself properly

It's not an angry thing

I suppose it's like a competition perhaps - a kind of rivalry; it's hard to define

This is how I feel it

I've been asked to do the make-up sex thing and think it's stupid as if I was angry with a person the last thing I'd want to do is have sex with them and I wouldn't want to take out my anger on a person physically either

It's just some stupid kink people can have whereby they think the sex will be better if it's more aggressive

In my opinion sex is a form of stylized low-key aggression anyway though. Look how animals do it in the wild - it's not a loving thing; it's quite rough - just a function. We bring all the lovey dovey romantic stuff into it as humans.

Sounds like you've had a bad time.
It's not meant to be a competition, in bed or out.
I think a relationship is meant to be fun and compatible in all the aspects you each personally need.
It bewilders me that someone would choose to be in a disrespectful, unequal and uncaring relationship and then enjoy sex.
Still, each to their own.

Some of us don't get to pick and choose from some vast array of wonderful partners perhaps?

Also people aren't machines that operate according to some template model of normality

A person is affected a lot by how much their parents made them feel loved and my Father did the opposite

Also I think people often delude themselves as to what people and life are really like - I don't

All of life is a competition - how can it not be? It's a competition to pass on your genes

I've had a loving relationship in which the person wanted to marry me. I had a fling with a work colleague and ruined the relationship so it's not as if I don't know what a loving, caring relationship is like - I preferred an alternative as it was more exciting (and the person wasn't disrespectful either) and I was having problems coping with work and needed someone to talk to.

People are complicated - one way of being does not fit all

It bewilders me how you can come on an Aspergers board and expect functional relationships to be the norm!

I really do marvel at that!

I apologise if I offended you Nessa
I obviously didn't express my meaning well enough.
I simply believe that everyone has the right to be treated equally and with respect by the people they interact with.
It bothers me that anyone would accept being treated badly in a relationship. Of course there can be be different levels of functioning in relationships, but surely the aim is for both people to be happy?

I don't go anywhere to meet anyone - I live with a male friend and I don't come across anyone I get on with very often online
via dating sites

So when a half compatible person comes along I tolerate difficulties for longer than the average person as I don't know when the next opportunity is going to come!

People treat different people with different levels of respect - we don't all get the best behaviour out of others and as such we make do with what we can get sometimes

You seem to have a very simplistic attitude to relationships in my opinion

There's plenty of examples within the arts of people who made fools of themselves over people who were playing them along
e.g Oscar Wilde and W. H Auden

Where did the phrase 'unrequited love' come from if it isn't something that happens frequently?

... I shall never know.

It's not like in the middle of an argument you say "Let's have sex, maybe that will help us solve the problem". It's more like after all the upset you run out of steam and when you do figure out the problem, you celebrate with "makeup sex". At least that's how it works with me.



For me, this is the only way I can have great sex. When all of those things are present. The familiarity is what's comforting. The tension and spark come from spicing up the realtionship, getting creative and/or trying new things.



Just got out of one. No I don't want to be in a domineering relationship. I want to ge in a relationship with someone I trust with all I have. Someone I can be most vulnerable with who won't take advantage of that vulnerability. The kind of relatioship I want does exist and it is not at all domineering.



errr...I'll have to ask the cat. I'll let you know.

Reading the responses are really interesting. I am NT in a relationship with an Aspie. I fist came here back in October to figure things out. All I wanted was to make communication easier. Wow did I ever learn a lot about myself. The things you are saying about cat and mouse and if you just tell us we are pretty etc. Although on the surface that seems true but it is not because we intentionally set out to play games. I don't know where this behavior is learned and I am hoping I can figure it out before my daughter grows up. And I hope that having an Aspie dad and Aspie brother help... The heart of it though is that we (being a large portion of the group not all fall in this catagory) don't really know what we want we know what we want to feel. Don't worry if that doesn't make sense. It is not logical. In learning to better communicate with my boyfriend I had to figure out why I wanted what I was asking for. If I wanted it I had to give him a concrete reason not because I feel it. It opened me up to a lot of insight into myself. It also made me a better communicator at work and with family. I keep analizing the last thing I did before realizing he is Aspie and changing myself. It was the third anniversary of our first date. I knew he would forget. He did. I was crushed because I wanted him to remember. Seriously... How stupid is it for someone to get upset over something they knew would happen. I wasn't trying to be mean to him. I really wanted it to mean something to him. Now I realize that just because it meant something to me doesn't mean it does to him... And if I wanted him to remember I should have just told him it was coming up. So simple. I did actually tell him all of this... Including how dumb it was on my part. It is difficult to change your thinking but it can be done and life makes a lot more sense

Just a comment on compliments: Some people are flattered by compliments, others are not. Being told you are pretty etc. means nothing if it's an empty compliment. After a while it gets old and you wonder what's behind it. Eventually it takes a lot more than "you're pretty" to peak your interest.