Aspie Burnout- how best to be supportive?

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Kjas.. you and BlueMax are more familiar with the whole story. Your advice on my other thread really helped me get to this point and because I know he is so far beyond just stressed.. I have never seen him like this and I can see how upset he is by it. I knowwe would not make it if he can't step away to get on track. I do think should we get back to "normal" a seperation will not be needed again because he will have time and space to sort through things before we get to this point .

I have some ideas for making our home a calmer place. I don't want to make drastic changes the second he moves out because I want this to be a familiar place. The garage needs a ton of work and it is not an obvious place as he comes in and out. So that will keep me busy for a while. I will create a little sitting area for him with a thrift store couch, I will make a rug, set up an old tv. If he doesn't come back my son can use it with his friends, but if he does then he will have a place to himself.

OMG Kjas... I think you are so right about the time alone for us. We have always been so connected after some us time. It was just so difficult to make it happen... I know I should have out more importance on. Where there is a will there is a way...just something to work ob

I can relate. When I feel like I'm being smothered and want space then I want to be in control of communication. If you were to text me too soon (and only I could define that) then I would feel like I was being pressured and it would make me feel even worse. When people actually leave me alone and let me control the communication then I usually initiate more frequent contact than otherwise.

It usually takes me 3-6 months to get over that "funk" but I come around.

Thank you SOOOOO much for a time frame. You have no idea how much that helps me. I can deal with just about anything but I do better with a point of reference with time.

He has only had one outburst where he yelled.. and to anyone else's standards it would not have really been a big deal. It wasn't like what most would consider a rage... but it was way out of character for him.

We had a nice night last night. This morning was good though our daughter was trying to get his attention in a very bratty way. I corrected her and told her if she wanted daddy's attention then she needed to say "daddy will you please play with me" and then daddy will. He looked at ne.. I nodded and he followed through. He is not so severe Aspie that he can't pick up on things I just have to make sure I have his attention. She has also been withholding hugs and kisses at bedtime. She did this with me at one time and he understands that it is just where she is at. But I told him I didn't think it should be an option and asked if at bedtime he would just pick her up and give her a hug and kiss and he said sure. After he played with her some today I took her with me and we spent several hours out then came back at nap time.

He found one place today but it won't be empty until the end of next month. I was upset at first because i want to start this process. But I am thinking it gives me 6 weeks or so to start developing a new home environment and maybe he will feel differently by moving day. I am not counting on it but it will be good for him in the meantime I think

Well he found a place but the people will not be moving out until the end of next month. I was upset at first because the faster we start this the faster we can hopefully get on track.. but after my initial surprise I realized maybe it is good. Some time to understand subtle changes he needs and work on those. Then he really threw me by telling me he just bought a bed and it would be here tonight. We really have no place to store it and the thought of having it stare me in the face for over a month... Well when he went to the bank I lost it. He got back much sooner than I expected and although I was no linger crying and my face looked ok.... He could tell something was up and he was very kind about it.

I told him I supported his need to go for a while but the thought of losing him his difficult. He told me I was not losing him. That he very much wants to work on us. We talked out some things about the kids and I asked if he would want to do things alone with me while he was still here and he said yes. I figure we could go just up the street for a drink after the little one is in bed since my son can take care if her if she wakes up... Maybe a one hour hike while she naps (again when my son is here)

He also asked if I wanted the new bed since it is a king and his place is smaller he would take our queen. This was the perfect excuse to get new bedding since I didn't have king size. I got a beautiful Midnight Blue comforter and dark gray sheets. the color he recently told me he liked in a bedroom. I am so happy to have been able to do it while he is still here since I don't want to make big changes once he leaves.

Tomorrow we are driving two hours away to go to Devil's Millhouse. It is a place we can go hiking and then go down into a sinkhole that has a mini rain forest in it. And we are taking his camera which he will love .. I made some special things to take for lunch.

Tonight we are watching a show he loves and it almost feels normal. Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I feel so much better about things

just be patient and don't try to explain away things. They just are.

Sometimes I don't like physical touch, sometimes I do. I can't explain why to myself, so why bother asking? You know? It just is.

He wants to be alone, and there doesn't have to be a reason. I live alone at great personal expense (financially, really...) but I am sooooooo much happier to not deal with people outside of work. I couldn't imagine dealing with someone after having worked all day. I need to unwind!

I just wonder how much you can take before you say enough is enough. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I hope it sorts itself out sooner rather than later for you both.

That is really good advice. I wanted to know why he was so upset and asked him is it this is it that and he said he didn't know. I believed him. I didn't ask again but yesterday when we were discussing things I told him I was not mad at him at all. That I can see he really needs to do this even if I find it difficult we made the decision together and I support it. That I understand he has had one thing after the other thrown at him. And he said yes, and it keeps coming.

We also discussed the fact that we never had time for just us and our finances were the reason but that we should have tried harder. If we were wanting to go on a date it a new relationship we would have worked it out. That we need to always do that for us and he agreed.

I told him I had plenty of projects to keep me busy. That I wanted to make a rag rug out of old jeans and t shirts for the garage and that I wanted to make a little sitting area out there. I told him if he did come back he could have that for himself and if not my son could use it to hang with his friends. He just smiled and said he had some jeans and t shirts I can have.

As far as how much I can take... To say this isn't hard would be a lie. It is killing me to not know if we will be a family again or not. But letting him move out and take this time is bot hard. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. It really isn't like he is leaving because he doesn't want the responsibilities. He wants to take care of his daughter and what ever I need as well. The way I get through... Most of the time I just tell myself either it will work or it won't. I feel it will all be ok in the long run. If it does all work out I think we will be closer than ever. I know for me knowing I can just be who I am and my needs are met and I am loved despite my oddities makes me feel very close to him. I would hope it would be the sane for him. But I do hope he is home in a year. .(6minths would make me really happy lol)

Update.. he found a place but said it wouldn't be vacant until the end of May. It was a shock because for me I feel like he has to leave for a while before we can start over and I want it to happen already. Lol. So I decided well maybe this will give us time to work on little things.. like giving him space at home. Then he asked if we had someplace besides the garage to store a bed because he just got one on craigslist and it was being dropped off in a couple of hours. I said we would figure something out and he left for the bank. I totally lost it. This is hard and now I have to look at this bed in my living room for 7 weeks. Well somehow he came back from the bank far faster than normal. I had already pulled myself together but my eyes were still red. He asked me what was wrong and I told him how hard all of this was but that I am not angry with him. It is just difficult. He was very sweet and affectionate about it.

After the bed things have been plesant enough. We get along fine. Kiss hi, buy and goodnight. And in the morning I always came back to say goodbye and he would turn over for me to lay with him a minute. He still did that so I did my part. But the distance the rest of the time was obvious.

My heart us breaking because I am so in live with this man. If there was something wrong I could understand but there is nothing between us to fix so it is hard for me.

This weekend he had a shoot in a town 45 minutes away and a wedding the next day and said he had one on Sunday there and one here. That he was considering spending the night. Not necessary but I decided I really needed a break and it would be good for him too. I didn't mention anything until Thursday then asked if he was staying both Friday and Saturday or just Friday. He said... Wellll I was thinking maybe both... I said oh that is good. He said what? And seemed confused. I said oh you know.. you have a bunch of shoots.. it will just be easier. He then started listing all his shoots. Something he always did before but lately he has been more closed lipped. I was picking up toys and didn't really pay attention and said that's fine.

Friday night he came home at 8:30 because he forgot his laptop. Our daughter usually goes to bed at 8 but I kept her up because we were playing and I hoped she would sleep in some. I was not prepared to see him and she freaked out because he was leaving. He said he would be back by dinner or 8 at the latest Sunday. He was walking toward the door and said love you. Something he has not said in weeks but usually says many times a day. I said what? I had heard but didn't and said what as a reaction.. but then she started screaming and he didn't repeat I said it is ok just go I have her.. he left.. no kiss... That never happens.

I didn't hear from him again. I posted a pic on Fb of a new Paleo pizza I made and he "liked" it. But that was all the contact we had. He shows up tonight to pick up his tripod and said he would be back in a couple of hours that he didn't want a long shoot and neither did they. he tried the New recipe I made for dinner and gave our daughter some hugs and kisses. He acted like everything was normal.. but never got close to me. He asked if everything was ok and I said yes. I don't know if he didn't want to get near me or if he thought I was mad. I wasn't. I just hadn't expected him yet. This is SOOOO hard on me and I try not to get emotional around him because he doesn't need that.

He has not given me a move out date. I really need one because my heart and life are in limbo. But I don't want him to feel like I want him gone. So I wait.

I am hoping he formats get back until 8 when I have our daughter down. I will just be nice and normal and hope for some indication that the weekend apart was helpful to him and he is feeling a little better. I don't think it will mean he won't move but I am hopeful it gave him some clue as to his feelings for me.

Dang... Before I say anything else, let me pass on my condolences... I know how bad the pain you're all feeling is. [hugs]

Something is certainly going on in his head... I'd be guessing wild, but I almost got the feeling that he was gearing himself up for a more permanent feeling of separation, instead of temporary.

I wish he could actually SAY what's going on in his head... some people just can't do that, male, female, aspie or other.

Seriously I read that and for the first time... except the bed thing. I actually cried. ... It is difficult to get an opinion that is accurate and it is hard to live it and know for sure. But honestly... Recently I have just felt he was being nice until he could gather up enough to move. I have felt this weekend was significant and thst I would have a better idea when it was over. I wish we had problems because then I could understand. I feel like I have been kicked in the chest and can't breath. And honestly if he is gone I just want him to go. Because as much as I don't want him gone.. this is shattering my heart. To be honest. I have loved everyone i have ever been in a relationship with.. but he is the only one I have ever been in love with and I just don't know how to deal with this. I know it won't kill me lol.. but it feels like it will distroy my heart.

I wish I had an answer for the pain... 3.5 years and I still almost feel like the breakup+kidnapping was yesterday. Only hiding myself in my hobbies helps at all - and that's only numbing the pain.

...of course, the times I actually feel good is when I'm with good friends and sharing activities with them. Moping at home alone in the dark is not good for me or anyone else.

If only your fella' could just open up and be honest about everything in his head right now.

I am so sorry. No one should have to feel that for so long.
I do have a lit of friends and spent the weekend spending time with different people.

I thought about creating a profile on a dating site... But at the moment it feels wrong... And my heart isn't in it any way.

When someone tells you that the life you give is exactly what they want... they have no complaints and don't know why they don't feel something differently it sort of makes you wonder if anyone will want what you have to offer. i mean if the best me I can be is what you want but you still don't want me... What the Heck do you do with that? You are too fat, not pretty enough, this is wrong with you that is... I can work with that... But simply not good enough.. Hummm. And I really enjoy being in a relationship but why bother if it won't work.

I'm so sorry Lori.
*massive hugs*

I have to ask, have you simply sat down and *asked* him if he has changed his mind and if he wants to break up?
Because without asking him directly, you're not going to have an answer - just assumptions which may or may not be true, and incorrect assumptions might do more damage than anything else.
I understand that you may be too scared to do that right now but it might be necessary at some point - sometimes limbo is worse than knowing.
Maybe at the same time ask for a date, and explain this is very, very difficult but you need a date for practical reasons and also so that you know what is going on?

No. I haven't asked him much of anything. I really didn't want to add more dress to him. When he first mentioned this weekend and staying out of town I just out everything else on hold. I thought a full weekend following his passion no distractions no responsibilities no contact from me.... I just thought stepping away might be good for him. i was not delusional that he would then stay. I just thought maybe he would know better what he wants. I just felt like he needed some space to think before I started asking questions.

The thing is I am 99% sure he did not sign the lease for the apartment he was looking at that wouldn't be available till the end of next month because i noticed him looking at places again the other day.

And when he said I love you in the middle of all the chaos Friday night I was kind of stunned. He use to say it many many times a day. Sometimea severalvtimes in a row. The first time he ever said it he got a little embarrassed because it just came out of his mouth and he was afraid I thought it was too soon. He has not said it at all in 3-4,weeks so it surprised me when he said it Friday.

I know I have to sit and talk all this out. I dont know what I am waiting for exactly... Except for this weekend to pass first.

I wish i had a crystal ball. Because you are right. This life in limbo really is more than I can deal with for much longer.

No. I haven't asked him much of anything. I really didn't want to add more dress to him. When he first mentioned this weekend and staying out of town I just out everything else on hold. I thought a full weekend following his passion no distractions no responsibilities no contact from me.... I just thought stepping away might be good for him. i was not delusional that he would then stay. I just thought maybe he would know better what he wants. I just felt like he needed some space to think before I started asking questions.

The thing is I am 99% sure he did not sign the lease for the apartment he was looking at that wouldn't be available till the end of next month because i noticed him looking at places again the other day.

And when he said I love you in the middle of all the chaos Friday night I was kind of stunned. He use to say it many many times a day. Sometimea severalvtimes in a row. The first time he ever said it he got a little embarrassed because it just came out of his mouth and he was afraid I thought it was too soon. He has not said it at all in 3-4,weeks so it surprised me when he said it Friday.

I know I have to sit and talk all this out. I dont know what I am waiting for exactly... Except for this weekend to pass first.

I wish i had a crystal ball. Because you are right. This life in limbo really is more than I can deal with for much longer.