At what point do people give up on dating?

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JBO
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16 Jul 2013, 4:59 pm

SectorStar wrote:
The things is I've done it both ways. Waited till later to tell or right off the bat. I could meet someone on a dating site, have a perfectly normal clean convo for an hour, bring up that I'm autistic and the messages stop. If there someone thats not gonna bother with me because I'm different then I'd rather weed them out in the beginning then waste my time and get attached to someone and have it end that way.


Why do you even have to say you're autistic? Why not just say like, "I'm weird, I get really interested in random topics sometimes" or "sometimes I just need some time alone" or "I know it's stupid, but for some reason I get irrationally upset when I can't have my evening bowl of cereal" or whatever.

I understand you want to just come out and tell people everything... But I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to go about it. Like I said before, there's a good chance you're scaring away people who would have been able to deal with your quirks, but they just hear you say, "I have some weird disease that you read about on the internet once," and run.

I just can't imagine any good coming from telling somebody before you've been dating them for a good while (like 6 months and you're starting to think more seriously about the relationship).

I'd say, "well, different strokes for different folks" or "whatever works for you." But clearly what you're doing isn't working for you...

But I dunno, whatever. Your life. Just don't say "woe is me, girls are judgmental, life is unfair," because I think it's not unlikely that a big part of the problem is your mindset and also the way you are going about things.



The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Jul 2013, 5:05 pm

JBO wrote:
SectorStar wrote:
The things is I've done it both ways. Waited till later to tell or right off the bat. I could meet someone on a dating site, have a perfectly normal clean convo for an hour, bring up that I'm autistic and the messages stop. If there someone thats not gonna bother with me because I'm different then I'd rather weed them out in the beginning then waste my time and get attached to someone and have it end that way.


Why do you even have to say you're autistic? Why not just say like, "I'm weird, I get really interested in random topics sometimes" or "sometimes I just need some time alone" or "I know it's stupid, but for some reason I get irrationally upset when I can't have my evening bowl of cereal" or whatever.

I understand you want to just come out and tell people everything... But I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to go about it. Like I said before, there's a good chance you're scaring away people who would have been able to deal with your quirks, but they just hear you say, "I have some weird disease that you read about on the internet once," and run.

I just can't imagine any good coming from telling somebody before you've been dating them for a good while (like 6 months and you're starting to think more seriously about the relationship).

I'd say, "well, different strokes for different folks" or "whatever works for you." But clearly what you're doing isn't working for you...

But I dunno, whatever. Your life. Just don't say "woe is me, girls are judgmental, life is unfair," because I think it's not unlikely that a big part of the problem is your mindset and also the way you are going about things.


Correct.

And it would be worse if he uses the word ASPERGER - oh f**k it does sound scary.



SippingSpiderVenom
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28 Oct 2015, 2:39 am

When it's more of a problem than it is a solution. Likewise, you will start dating again when it is more of a solution than it is a problem.

I hate online dating, but that's me. I think a lot of women are just less trusting online and I also think that online dating can be very annoying for women.


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GiantHockeyFan
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28 Oct 2015, 7:22 am

Interesting seeing this thread resurfacing and looking at what I wrote. I did end up trying online dating again (with low expectations). I met a number of people who all seemed like clones of each other (literally 80% elementary school teachers!) and gave me no opportunity to get to know them: they usually disappeared after the first date no matter how well it went. I thought I found a diamond and that finally failed after three months so I decided to permanently throw in the towel, even though someone left me a message. After my eHarmony membership expired, I went in to permanently delete everything and decided to politely message this match just before I did as she sent a second message to me. Just like in 2012 I decided "f*** it, why not just meet her for 20 minutes?" She was obviously very intelligent but had nothing in common with me and was outside my age parameters. Even though she did not "wow" me I felt this indescribable deep connection with her. The rest is history. Turns out she saw me on another non-dating site and wanted to see if I was the real deal.

The lesson seems to be give up and things will work out. :lol:

I should also mention that when I mentioned a couple years ago that "OKCupid girl" had an atrocious profile, that should have been a huge red flag. The writing was on the wall that she was downright crazy. Painful lesson learned but on the bright side I learned to trust my instincts again. Reading these posts from the past is a reminder I ignored what was obvious even to me. I just ran into her yesterday and I went home thinking what the f*** was wrong with me? She is an ugly, nasty, childish girl who projected all her self-hate on me and I just accepted it? She will never amount to anything and will always have her parents bail her out and I was dumb enough to think I could fix her?!? She gave me the look of death and I am sure I am public enemy #1 in her family. Her lack of boundaries on the first date would have sent a normal, healthy guy running the other way and my brother even told me before meeting her she was bats**t crazy and to run. I should have listened and stayed single.



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28 Oct 2015, 8:33 am

I'm glad things worked out for you, GHF. :D


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darthsuhtek
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28 Oct 2015, 9:50 am

I've seen several posts that are extremely similar to this one. I'm not trying to undermine the OP's personal concerns, but I think this should be a sticky topic. Not a guide to dating(which has been done), but something along the lines of "Dating: worth it or better off alone?"
idk just spit-balling here.



QuantumChemist
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28 Oct 2015, 11:40 am

I gave up on dating many years ago after it became apparent that it was never going to work for me. It just is not something that I can do, no matter how hard I try at it (or change myself for the better). I am not one to give up easily on things that fail, but there comes a time to realize that it just is not in the cards. Everyone has limits and that happens to be one of mine. Over time, I have learned to accept it as part of my reality.



lennyk
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28 Oct 2015, 8:08 pm

going through a phase of pretty much feeling to give up yet again
after making somewhat attempts and failing again.

this thing about picking up the pieces and trying again
certainly doesn't work for me.

I am extremely high functioning in every other aspect of my life that I have control of
too bad I cant control my interactions with the other gender.



Homer_Bob
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29 Oct 2015, 4:25 pm

Getting my Bachelor's? Check.
Getting a good paying job? Check
Getting one date/never mind a relationship? Fail. Harder than both combined.

I gave up before even trying. I have better goals to obtain and I am so used to being alone that it's the normal way of life for me. I am comfortable now. Why mess it up by trying to meet insane women who may want to change me? Screw that. I would rather not put myself under so much stress if I don't have to.


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xile123
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29 Oct 2015, 4:31 pm

I resigned about 3 years ago.



lemonvariable72
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29 Oct 2015, 5:53 pm

I haven't really resigned yet, but I at this point I have so many other things in my life a woman that could potentially derail me is not high the priority list. I was actaully in a serious relationship for 5 years, and it was bad, and it nearly destroyed me. Needless to say I'm happier single.



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29 Oct 2015, 8:15 pm

JBO wrote:
SectorStar wrote:
The things is I've done it both ways. Waited till later to tell or right off the bat. I could meet someone on a dating site, have a perfectly normal clean convo for an hour, bring up that I'm autistic and the messages stop. If there someone thats not gonna bother with me because I'm different then I'd rather weed them out in the beginning then waste my time and get attached to someone and have it end that way.


Why do you even have to say you're autistic? Why not just say like, "I'm weird, I get really interested in random topics sometimes" or "sometimes I just need some time alone" or "I know it's stupid, but for some reason I get irrationally upset when I can't have my evening bowl of cereal" or whatever.

I understand you want to just come out and tell people everything... But I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to go about it. Like I said before, there's a good chance you're scaring away people who would have been able to deal with your quirks, but they just hear you say, "I have some weird disease that you read about on the internet once," and run.

I just can't imagine any good coming from telling somebody before you've been dating them for a good while (like 6 months and you're starting to think more seriously about the relationship).

I'd say, "well, different strokes for different folks" or "whatever works for you." But clearly what you're doing isn't working for you...

But I dunno, whatever. Your life. Just don't say "woe is me, girls are judgmental, life is unfair," because I think it's not unlikely that a big part of the problem is your mindset and also the way you are going about things.


I completely agree. I want to choose to NEVER reveal my asperger's to someone I'm in a relationship with, unless they are Nuerodiverse as well and have shared that with me - it's fair that I share my aspergers back. Or if they have friends/family with it and would dated

I'll just say I'm 'weird' or 'eccentric' and all that; to justify my behavior.

If she realizes I have it, or finds the diagnosis papers in my medical papers if she were to ever come across it, I will confirm that yes, I 'use' to but have overcome it. Simple as that. If they become angry or upset that you didn't tell them, tell them you felt no need to since you 'aren't' aspergers or autistic 'anymore'.

ADD, ADHD, Social Anxiety and Depression can all be overcome. So why should we have to reveal our diagnosis so early if we have decent learned social skills while someone with one of these other mental disorders can keep it to themselves?

I wouldn't tell a girl on the third date I use to have depression but overcame it, aspergers is no different.

Hopefully something like this coudl work.



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29 Oct 2015, 8:31 pm

I gave up already. f**k that s**t.



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29 Oct 2015, 8:53 pm

Outrider wrote:
JBO wrote:
SectorStar wrote:
The things is I've done it both ways. Waited till later to tell or right off the bat. I could meet someone on a dating site, have a perfectly normal clean convo for an hour, bring up that I'm autistic and the messages stop. If there someone thats not gonna bother with me because I'm different then I'd rather weed them out in the beginning then waste my time and get attached to someone and have it end that way.


Why do you even have to say you're autistic? Why not just say like, "I'm weird, I get really interested in random topics sometimes" or "sometimes I just need some time alone" or "I know it's stupid, but for some reason I get irrationally upset when I can't have my evening bowl of cereal" or whatever.

I understand you want to just come out and tell people everything... But I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to go about it. Like I said before, there's a good chance you're scaring away people who would have been able to deal with your quirks, but they just hear you say, "I have some weird disease that you read about on the internet once," and run.

I just can't imagine any good coming from telling somebody before you've been dating them for a good while (like 6 months and you're starting to think more seriously about the relationship).

I'd say, "well, different strokes for different folks" or "whatever works for you." But clearly what you're doing isn't working for you...

But I dunno, whatever. Your life. Just don't say "woe is me, girls are judgmental, life is unfair," because I think it's not unlikely that a big part of the problem is your mindset and also the way you are going about things.


I completely agree. I want to choose to NEVER reveal my asperger's to someone I'm in a relationship with, unless they are Nuerodiverse as well and have shared that with me - it's fair that I share my aspergers back. Or if they have friends/family with it and would dated

I'll just say I'm 'weird' or 'eccentric' and all that; to justify my behavior.

If she realizes I have it, or finds the diagnosis papers in my medical papers if she were to ever come across it, I will confirm that yes, I 'use' to but have overcome it. Simple as that. If they become angry or upset that you didn't tell them, tell them you felt no need to since you 'aren't' aspergers or autistic 'anymore'.

ADD, ADHD, Social Anxiety and Depression can all be overcome. So why should we have to reveal our diagnosis so early if we have decent learned social skills while someone with one of these other mental disorders can keep it to themselves?

I wouldn't tell a girl on the third date I use to have depression but overcame it, aspergers is no different.

Hopefully something like this coudl work.


While withholding sensitive information until you have formed a bond with someone and trust them is one thing, I wouldn't advocate being actively dishonest in a relationship. Truth has a way of making itself known no matter how one tries to hide it, and hiding it from someone indicates you feel it is something worthy of hiding because it is shameful. There is nothing shameful about being on the autistic spectrum--it's not like choosing to be a bad person by treating people poorly or something like that, because it's nothing you chose; you were just born with a different neurotype that effects the way you perceive and react to things. It doesn't make you a bad person or unworthy of dating. If it makes you feel inferior or ashamed, I suggest talking to a trusted friend or relative, or a professional psychologist/therapist, because having that kind of negative perception of your condition can cause low self-esteem and self-worth, and you don't deserve to feel that way and can change it for a healthier perspective with the right help.



FarmerGreg
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29 Oct 2015, 9:08 pm

.



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29 Oct 2015, 9:16 pm

I try to tell myself I want to, but at the same time I really don't.