Quick question about first date

Post Reply New Topic

That would prepare them somewhat.

There is also opposite approach which is to figure out how to talk more freely, so in case the conversation lags you can get it going again.

Sometimes its inhibition, self-conciousness, fear of not making a good impression. But really you don't want to make a false impression either, but instead be your normal self. If someone is going to like you, you want it to be as your normal self.

It would be good if you could find a way to lose some of the shyness because it's a big ask to expect someone new to like you based on you saying hardly anything..unless you are a stunner of course

you say people end up liking you eventually, so what is it that they end up liking about you and could you bring that forward a bit maybe?

There is this lady at my work who was super shy for the longest time she'd hardly say anything to me and if she did it was always super awkward but now she will go out of her way to sit and talk to me and will ask me questions and joke and stuff like that. I'm not really sure what changed to be honest, but I do wish she was like that when I first met her to save me on all those painful conversations.

It's not like I'm completely silent the whole time...
I think I just give the impression that I'm not enjoying myself, which is not true.
And no, my looks alone is not good enough to make them want to come back for a second date.

I can't just change my personality that easily. I'm just always nervous with people I don't know very well. I don't have a problem talking with people I know well, like your coworker, leafplant.
It just takes long time for me to get to that point.
My best friend who is a very friendly extrovert says she doesn't understand why I feel so nervous meeting strangers. I don't know why either and don't know how to change it.

One thing I can do is to drink alcohol. I get talkative when I drink but I do not want to resort to that on a first date. Besides, I don't drink when I'm driving.

This is getting depressing. It might be a good idea to just give up online dating all together.

I don't doubt online can work, but my guess is it actually has a low probability of success.

One interesting statistic, not too old was that something like 65% (or more) of married people met their spouses at work. Perhaps your not looking for marriage, but it would also mean a lot of dating occurs between co-workers. I think the main factor their is exposure over time and commonality. Also perhaps it might be a little safer. Something to note is that work is not a dating organization.

One can utilize the same principle with other organizations or activities. Just as examples I remember meeting the gfs prior to my wife (whom I met at work) at a month long charity project, a 3 day bus and hiking tour, at a concert with a mutual friend. None of these were dating specific. However, one of the reasons I went or did these things was to get out among people and have the chance to meet girls.

Is their something not so good about using dating specific methods? And maybe some are better suited not to? One thing that stands out is that online discussions reveal very little despite appearences. Seeing and talking to someone periodically in person I think gives you more insight over a broader range of compatibility elements. Its like anyone can talk the talk online.

Did you used to have your pic as an Avatar? If so I remember thinking you were an attractive lady, and I am sure others would think the same. So that should not be an impediment. You don't have to be like a movie star. In fact I don't know that is such a good thing. If you can develop activities that bring you in contact with others in a natural setting, I think you will meet people fairly quickly.

True that, even the nerdy girls I met usually want assertive and easygoing/outgoing guys.

Mine are usually a couple of hours. The ones that go really well tend to be upwards of 5 hours. What tends to happen is we meet up for a drink or meal, and then aren't ready to part ways so we go and do something else, like catch a movie or go for a walk. But there's also not necessarily anything wrong with a shorter first date...people have other things to do, and also some people would rather make it short the first time.


I think this sounds like a good idea. I wouldn't be overly negative about it (i.e. "I'll be very shy") but perhaps just mention that you might be a bit quieter than your usual self.

The longest date was 3.5 hours in a huge mall with different activities, and the date went SOOO well, she giggled, clearly enjoyed her time, we had great fun, we had so in common, interests, hobbies, ambitions, we did a lot, we talked a lot...wow...nice....kissed at the end too, yoohoo... I am the man, *roar*, she's my gf...my future wife....yay!

But no, the second date never happened. She said she's busy and will back to me and that's it.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Nov 2013, 3:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh wow, I would have thought that was a done deal.

In online dating, expect everything, including perfect one-time first dates.

I work for a large company so I do come in contact with a lot of people. Some have showed interest in me but never by anyone I'm attracted to.
I go to concerts by myself quite often but I never talk to anyone. Except this one time a 23 year old started talking to me but he was too young for me obviously.
What I like about online dating is that I can target a specific type of men that I'm attracted to. I don't have to waste time trying to find out their views on politics, religion, job, etc. The three men I've seen are all very highly educated. Maybe that's one of the reasons that our dates didn't go so well. I'm just not up to par with their level intellectually.



That's a better phrasing. I might use that. Thanks.



That would do my head in really badly. Don't you wish you could just ask them why??

Attempting to 'screen out' certain people and focus on those that seem to have a desired mental attribute appears a sound approach.

But it has me wondering. Is that really the main ingredient or is it the best thing to focus on first? Is it in a way putting the cart before the horse?

I say that thinking that it is the physical elements that may be the most important, that looks, the way a person carrys themselves, how they sound, and many subtle other things that pose the greatest obstacle. Then would come their behavior and if it intregrates well with yours. Last of all is their level of knowledge and intellect perhaps? Because of all those things it is really only the level of knowledge and to a point intellect that might be changed or modified.

And we were used to chat a lot before the date.

Why? I think I know why.

which is what? the anticipation is killing me

Well, I did mentally replayed the whole date in my mind to understand what wrong went, there were three factors I guess, I am 100% sure it's because of one of those reasons at least:

- Religion was brought up briefly at some point, she knew I was nonreligious at all but she didn't know I was from Muslim parents while she's not-so-devout Christian (I use the term "I don't believe in religions" instead of atheism, the word atheism scares them for some reason); in our society they tend to care more about the guy's family religion far more than how religious he personally is.
-I don't think she got attracted to me physically, only by rewinding the date in my mind I've recalled that, during walks, I kept trying to walk side by side her but I believe she was avoiding it, she was either walking too fast or too slow. Obviously she was embarrassed by my height hence I am shorter than her (the info height is clearly state on my profile and she knew earlier I am shorter but probably she didn't imagine she would feel weird).
- I was new to this new mall and even the whole region, my first time there while she is much more familiar with it so I was the passive side of suggesting where to go next every time, I recall she did commented teasingly "are you trying to impress me by letting me choose every time on first day?" - I did explain It was my first time there and teased her back that I would lead next date because it would be my turn to choose the place (I asked her out first but she picked the place); but I guess it was too late, she got the idea of passive about me and if it really didn't bother her she wouldn't even commented on something supposedly to be that trivial. As some other guy said here, girls generally love assertive guys and get turned off by any sign of passivity.

The reason she seemed she enjoyed the date that much because the place was entertaining and she's quite easygoing and sociable but not necessarily because of me.

Something interesting to think about, I just remembered she complained to me once (on okcupid chat) about the guys on okc and how suddenly they stop showing interest in her; she was giving up okcupid (at least that what she claimed back then) the first time I contacted her. I wonder if the other guys "stopped showing interest" because she never reciprocated to them, like how she never reciprocated to me. It was always me who initiated texting, only me initiated calling, always me initiating to suggest outing, always me me me....she would have never contacted me if I didn't first. I thought she might be not conformable or shy yet but after the first date there's no excuse anymore, if she never initiates then she doesn't really care. So before asking her out for a second date I was basically certain she doesn't care but I did it anymore to give her the benefit of doubt - and I was right about my suspicions.

Maybe...maybe, she wanted me to be more assertive, more persistent, to be always the pursuer male but I am not like that.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Nov 2013, 4:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm sorry to hear that Boo, but you'll never know for sure. All you can have is a rough idea. On a different day, with the same everything, the result could have been different. It's her loss, at the end of the day.

I think most people in the L&D want to boil it all down to a game with rules. But it just doesn't work logically for that! I've read post after post picking apart everything and anything. I think people can increase their chances, but really that's all it is - a chance.

I always take comfort in the "it wasn't meant to be"